Enter the "Flow State" High Theta low Alpha wave & ADHD Relief Binaural beats music

 

This is the one I love, the one i'm playing lots atm - I have it on headphones first thing when I wake up for an hour to try to create a new habit of waking up calm & not letting getting high cortisol/ bit frantic win, which happens really really easily for me. For years/decades waking up already having a panic attack was my normal so this is an experimental resetting of my amygdala to a healthy baseline. Y'know, to create try & create a new nervous system habit. Also, working out with weights (not very heavy) is helping a lot I think & I so like being stronger, feeling stronger when bad or difficult events happen, I have felt more capable/less vulnerable, its hard to describe, I used to get hurt really easily, trap my sciatic nerve, hurt my back, get a neck headache but the more active I am the less these easily these happen ... I think its helping my nervous system too but I don't know why. I just need more hugs now & I'd nearly be like a normal well person lol well some of the time at least - oh oxytocin I miss you so much 😅😉💞

****Oooh bizarrely in the ‘about this video’ section on YouTube it has a beware for ADHD! How strange when I find it sooooo relaxing - so anyway I’ve found a ‘recommended for ADHD’ one as well which I also really like - I don’t understand why this one the one flow is problematic when it’s so calming but the faster one below is definitely really good for achieving stuff I’ve noticed…… ahahah

Menieres Disease & Acupuncture

One of my big mental health & musical inspirations, Ryan Adams suffers from the debilitating condition Menieres Disease & I just wanted to send this out to him via the reliable information conveying vehicle that is the hashtag……(?!)

Anyway, it really seems that the way ahead for most Menieres sufferers is regular Acupuncture, I will link to a few studies confirming this statement below. I mean, I should have weekly acupuncture for all my stuff but it never gets to the top of the list……I’d certainly do it if I started to get a big high or big low & could not reign it in by myself…. It would gravitate to the top of my list in that circumstance, which I don’t anticipate happening tbh (ie I believe I can offset these myself now due to experience/knowledge/greater insight) 

I know some people find the idea of acupuncture weird or unpleasant or have fear of the pins etc but it’s such a wonderful brilliant whole body experience in the hands of a quality practitioner that to not give it a decent shot (2/3 sessions minimum to feel some benefits) I really think, that with something as patently disruptive & distressing as Menieres Disease that not giving Acupuncture a really fair go is at least self defeating at worse self neglect….. not to put too finer acupuncture needle point on it. 🤓

Here’s some stuff including peer review research articles to assuage your doubts. Maybe you’ve tried this but I suspect you are a bit needle resistant, just trust, it’s so great, really amazing, spiritual deep, you’ll love it once over any block you may have. (if it’s truly insurmountable go shiatsu/pressure point therapy instead)

I love acupuncture, I would have acupuncture weekly just for the tension release & you can barely feel the pins most of the time, just start with less pins, admit any fears to the practitioner & get a practitioner on their good reputation.

One last comment though…. I’ve been a very long time looking at health issues through the Natural Health & Wholeness lens & I believe you will never, your bodymind will never put down a thing that it’s made use of to get its needs met unless you are ready to listen to your body asking for, well it’s rest & down time isn’t it, that workaholic/ADHD types override their body for the neurotransmitter prize as well as worldly success obviously too….. not to diminish the desirability or necessity of these things one iota but the point remains the same, to bastardise a Led Zeppelin song title.

Anyway here you go Ryan & I’m so very proud of your sobriety, your continued self healing in therapy & all your self publishing & your pirate record company achievements. (I will get Chris when it streams…… I can tell it’s great, that I’ll love it from the feedback & reviews your getting) (oh & I love you always ever whatever etc but you know that 💜)

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6660197/

Quote 

“The classic symptoms of Meniere's disease are vertigo, tinnitus and deafness, but for all the treated patients vertigo was the most uncomfortable and distressing symptom. In all our cases vertigo stopped after a few acupuncture courses; but in our opinion it is more important to follow and control hearing threshold, since if it remains stable the other symptoms of Meniere's disease also do not persist.”

https://www.healthcmi.com/Acupuncture-Continuing-Education-News/1864-acupuncture-and-herbs-eliminate-meniere-s-disease

“Acupuncture has been proven clinically effective for the treatment of Meniere’s disease, a disorder characterized by vertigo, hearing loss, and tinnitus. Researchers determined that acupuncture produces a 100% total effective rate. The results indicate that acupuncture is safe and effective for the treatment of Meniere’s disease. [1]”

https://asu.pure.elsevier.com/en/publications/the-treatment-of-menieres-disease-with-acupuncture-and-chinese-me

“The patient had been treated with conventional medication, which did not resolve their symptoms. Over a period of ten weeks involving 14 acupuncture treatments and Chinese herbal medication, the patient's vertigo completely resolved and concomitant symptoms such as tinnitus and sensorineural hearing loss also improved.”

MM music mainly

I feel bad leaving this in my blog descriptor so I’ve just taken it off because I’ve absolutely no interest in making music at all, never mind sharing it, at the moment and for a good long while now. I’ve so much to try and straighten out in my life & work on & everything takes me a long time if I need to really engage my wayward drifty brain & I can’t afford any help & kids too busy…… if I do anything else, manage to focus on anything else then the chance to play piano is lost….. recording anything is way beyond my capacity, wires of all kinds & red record buttons trigger panic in me…..so that’s ok, I’m ok with that……a lot has happened, I feel like I’ve changed a lot in the last 9 months & far for the better in different ways…… just not in that way.

I’m sure I’ll go back, I’ll probably have a metamorphosis, that’s what usually happens when I lose interest in an instrument or current style of music. So good to recognise, acknowledge & come to terms with the reality & root of my concentration problems, which have always stressed me musically as well as other zones of life. I’ve been so frustrated with myself for so long, just so long & problems with attention have been soul destroying at times.

So I’ve just got too much else in other areas demanding my energy. I’d been hiding in the piano for ages, long hours every day because I’d given up with people entirely because I didn’t know what was wrong with me, (of course yes I know also positively as mindfulness & meditation.) So that’s changed & still changing. It’s just time to do something else.

Co-Occurance Bipolar & ADHD

 A screen grab looking at the co-morbidity & genetic overlaps

SUD is substance use disorder - while I’m loooong time clean of alcohol & even longer of anything else.…. I had a month off nicotine at the end of last year which felt so brilliant & amazing but I buckled at a major trigger….. so I’m back on the weakest nicotine, 1% in pure VG vape that I make up myself……. I’d say it’s definitely 95% better than smoking for someone like me with long long term addictive tendencies 

It’s what it is.

(I will re-do this post properly in a bit with some links to research articles etc)

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the maddest one of all

Feeling really sorry for myself - I’ve had a really tough week, really really hard with a lot of stress. Had the best help from binaural beats which has been so good at taking me out of sympathetic nervous system hijack really fast.

I’m still feeling very glad I’ve a fuller picture of what’s been so wrong with me, for sooooooooooo long but at the same time I feel really dejected & sorry for myself & like, when you add the definate PTSD I had post high 2016 - I had this random voice shouting at me out of nowhere in my head really loud, like attacking me, it was the weirdest thing……when I told a community support worker she said that was a lesser known but still classic PTSD symptom, like visual flashbacks are very well known but audio violent ‘hallucinations’ less well known……I thought it was just intrusive thoughts but it was very particularly aggressive……it’s like unconscious mind is trying to give the clue…. “You’re shocked, like THIS”

So yes, when you add at least one bout of PTSD (there have been more episodes though, from sexual assualts etc) you can take or leave GAD really at this point as it just indicates an almost permanent state of sympathetic nervous system arousal, that’s still a quad of co-morbidities. Yikes.

I feel like the most diagnosed person in town now or the maddest witch in the west…… the good thing, the best thing is that I feel I can blame my family even less than I did, which wasn’t much tbf, as the genetics of ADHD is majorly heritable (also genetic overlaps strong for BPD as well as Bipolar) & I’ve seen my mum especially exhibiting, really, the inattentive version & it does answer a lot of questions re: my dad now too……. How could anyone expect them to notice my atypical ADD presentation as a somewhat introverted child……

Sorry about all the dots……they comfort me…….

 

Bit of a weird photo, I had just had 3 days of  intense stress & had managed some pretty generous equilibrium at this point, but the pain still shows I think, also it was dusk so I think a longer exposure than when brighter…..  anyway this is me knowing that bit more about myself……. it does all help, every jigsaw piece, knowledge is power…… adult ADHD is really common, a 8-9% occurrence I think….. in some ways it’s gonna be the easier part of my picture to impact……I mean I’ve started loads of organisation type things for all the chaos that I’ve been trying to live amongst…… things that have troubled me for ages, years, the why, why can’t I concentrate on that, why is it so hard to do basic things….. self diagnosing has given me permission for it to feel hard, really hard & to grasp that doing it is even more worth while for my brain than for other types of brain….

The sensory component, the problems with sound & the feel of clothing, it always felt a bit autistic but adhd covers that well…… I think I’ve mentioned these before… I have to wear noise cancelling head phones if there is certain types of sound in order to be outside in my own garden….easily overwhelmed by sound etc …..

Me proving that Seinheiser headphones & badly worn baseball caps are indeed sex aids….

 I’m sorry 😂 now my greatly long suspected neurodiversity is out of the bag please don’t imagine I’m going to hold any of my innate weirdness back now 😂💗🙌💜💗

Actually feeling better for expressing myself now x 🤓

33% Co-Occurrence of BPD & ADHD

 https://neurodivergentinsights.com/adhd-infographics/adhd-and-bpd

Oh I’m feeling very jubilant working this out on my own - i guess son & DiL have been pushing it towards me for a few months now though so, yes lots of credit there actually. I did mention ADHD traits to all the mental health professionals who’ve dealt with me since my oh so late Bipolar 1 diagnosis in 2016, at 49 but I think they all needed me to be dealing with the Macro (bipolar1) & Micro (BPD) Emotional Dysregulation first as that is likely, to a greater or lesser extent, to seriously obscure the cognitive, behavioural, executive function difficulties. From my own perspective the frustrations I’ve lived with  re: concentrating, prioritising, major distractibility, decisions, have absolutely been core triggers for emotional dysphoria in and of themselves, as you might imagine.

Im also well aware that this is all further complicated by the fact that post ‘big high, big low or crash’ you are looking at brain damage to several areas corresponding the ADHD differences as well. Essentially this is why I’ve already worked with multiple natural remedies for ADHD in my seeking to regrow brain volume lost to bipolar episodes. Despite this, I stand by the fact that pre Bipolar pre age 18, and also pre BPD circa age 13 I had so serious Inattentive type ADHD symptoms. So, I’m standing with my self-diagnosis atm & reading up help for ADHD websites & implementing the ideas from those. Fantastic, very pleased. 

I’m working a lot with Binaural Beats, PolyVagal exercises, my beloved DLPA & Taurine I’m on long term are already ADHD stalwart natural remedies, I’ve just got some more Bacopa capsules which I really love, finishing up some Gingko tincture I had knocking about - lovely. I just have to be very self aware that I’m not getting too happy & then too exuberant for fear of initiating a bipolar high if things go ‘too well’….. groan…… but I really think I’m going to be able to recognise the soooo terrifically painful nervous system symptoms & serious mental speed that are so vivid even in just the take off period of a big high. Also my tools for interrupting this kind of take off, my tool armoury for exactly this is pretty extensive at this point. Determined to avoid a big high is a slight understatement lol

💜💗🙌

Scattered Minds - Gabor Mate

 

Cool new book to read :) so pretty cover 😍

Moon U Like, Virgo Full Moon 🌕

 

Nice 💗

ADD/ADHD in Women - Inattentive ADHD

Hmmm- Well since studying this subject more thoroughly over the weekend I am relating it more & more to some really troublesome, difficult to live with cognitive traits that I have lived with for the longest time. More importantly, it accounts for the period of my life between 11 & 17 pre BPD/Bipolar - it accounts for lots of problems I was having then. If I had to make a guess I’d say I was quietly (inattentive type) ADHD from earlier still, possibly which the stress/confusion/suffering of this caused BPD which the anguish/stress of kind of caused Bipolar 1. So that’s a neurological developmental disorder plus a personality disorder then plus a severe mood disorder 😅🤪🤓

Definitely a family connection too as it is highly genetic (equally my co-morbidities are very well recognised with the same genetic connection too) both my parent have traits but my mum more especially has had/suffered from the inability to prioritise, make decisions, major disorganisation, raging anxiety, low self esteem due to the above etc there’s more….these just off top of head.

Been looking at all the natural remedies for adult ADHD & many things I’ve had some respite from generally over the years are there that it would be great to go back to eg Bacopa & Gingko & Phosphatidylserine & CBD oil all of which I’ve had really good experiences with in the past. 

Feeling really really hopeful that this is the final piece of my bonkers, stupidly complicated undiagnosed/late diagnosis mental health issues saga 😂 

I’ve actually noticed that I’m already handling boring household chores differently since accepting the self diagnosis…… no really, when I put the stuff down half undone because my brain has switched off, that now makes sense….. I just don’t feel annoyed with myself if it’s my weird brain & thus, I can go back and do it later, knowing & accepting that for reasons….. I find this ordinary stuff ineffably hard!

Anyway, I’m gonna run with this as a thought exercise for a while & see if it continues to help me not be so irritated & disappointed in myself……. In fact tbh if I’m right, I’ve every reason to be very very gentle & forgiving of myself & my wide range of practical deficiencies.

By the way, I didn’t know this so you probably don’t, Women don’t necessarily have a hyperactive version of ADHD but a version hallmarked by problems with concentration- Inattentive ADHD is the new name for ADD I think. 🤷‍♀️ Wow! 

2 x Russell Brand videos on Ukraine

 

I know this is off topic for my blog but these 2 videos especially watched together form such a deep cohesive educational wedge into the Western propaganda machine that I’m moved to blog them for the love & joy of hosting old Russ’s brilliance.

I’ve long had time for Russell but his output these days is in another realm, he’s obv got a brilliant team behind him & he’s wantonly aglow with enthusiasm for his mission.

I tell you, if the ‘powers that be’ take out Russell in any way shape or form, thousands will fill his shoes - so there’s an idea, fill his shoes anyway, even though he’s still in them, fill his shoes & make them your own……… more big picture educators required 🙌 

Article from ADDitude - ADHD &/or BPD

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-bpd-women-borderline-personality-disorder/

Title -When Women Battle ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder

A bunch of QUOTES" (just added more)

Does BPD Camouflage ADHD Symptoms?

There is a lot of overlap between the symptoms of the two disorders. The experience of women with ADHD, BPD, or both is characterized by difficulties in self-regulation; feelings, behavior, relationships, and sense of self are chronically unstable. They are challenged by impulsivity and emotional volatility, especially in managing anger. In both disorders, impulsivity can lead to gambling, financial troubles, eating disorders, substance abuse, and unsafe sex.

Both groups are hypersensitive to sensory changes. With either or both disorders, the battle to self-regulate leads women to feel ashamed, unsupported, and alone, struggling with anxiety, depression, rage, panic, and despair. In some cases, the more dramatic BPD symptoms can camouflage the more classic ADHD symptoms.

There are clear differences between the two diagnoses as well. The core symptoms of ADHD, such as persistent inattention, distractibility, and hyperactivity, are not among the criteria for BPD. Stress-related dissociative symptoms and paranoid thoughts that may occur in BPD are not ADHD symptoms. While women with either disorder may experience despair, women with ADHD are more likely to be responding to the shame and demoralization they feel about the choices they’ve made. Women with BPD are more likely to feel hopeless and frantic in response to perceived losses in relationships.

Does Trauma Contribute to BPD?

It is not surprising that childhood neglect and abuse increases the risk for developing a range of disorders as adults. In fact, studies have found that women with ADHD and BPD often have traumatic early histories. It is likely that early childhood trauma can exacerbate ADHD symptoms and contribute to the development of BPD. ADHD histories are more strongly associated with neglect and physical and emotional abuse, while BPD histories are more likely to involve emotional and sexual abuse. At least a quarter of those women with BPD will suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). There is also a high degree of overlap between PTSD and ADHD behaviors, including inattention, impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and restlessness. Women with ADHD and BPD have been shown to have the highest levels of neglect in their histories.

The presentations of ADHD and PTSD can be remarkably similar. The state of hyper-arousal that typifies trauma survivors closely mimics the appearance of hyperactivity. Similarly, the dissociative state that can typify other trauma survivors closely mimics inattention. 
Stress-related dissociation is often a response to trauma in Borderline women, but it is usually not seen in ADHD. Since many women with ADHD are predominantly inattentive, differentiating between inattentive symptoms of ADHD and dissociative symptoms of trauma is challenging. Some women diagnosed with ADHD may have BPD, and may be manifesting the symptoms of early chronic trauma.

Take-Home Messages for Women

As emotional dysregulation becomes more widely accepted as a core symptom of adult ADHD, its overlap with BPD becomes of greater importance. For women with ADHD, emotional hyper-reactivity is a prime symptom that undermines their sense of control. As an ADHD comorbidity, BPD heightens the chaotic experience of understanding the self and managing relationships. Managing the symptoms of ADHD and BPD gets more difficult as time goes on.

"END QUOTES

oh so interesting - I know this all seems much of a muchness in some ways & why is it important to know..... most of the causes involved are the same, either neglect or trauma on some or other level......so in that respect natural treatment is going to be broadly the same......guess i'm just curious

ADHD & BPD - what do we know

I keep finding information about the overlap & co-occurance of these & im just especially fascinated, I don't know why..... my Daughter in Law has a definite adult ADHD diagnosis & my son has clear traits & certainly having both would answer the severity & complexity of some of my consistent day-day issues quite well.......I know, I know, Bipolar 1 to one side for a moment 😳 as its pretty clear to me now when that is under control & when its not, its especially vivid & it takes a helluva lot to go to either pole in any serious way in my opinion, certainly as a slower older person metabolically.

Here's a couple of recent interesting research articles about this, this one from last year:

https://bpded.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40479-021-00162-w

Title - Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) revisited - a review-update on common grounds and subtle distinctions

EXTRACT" but with my highlight

Abstract

Background: Overlap in symptom domains particularly in the field of impulsivity and emotional dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD) have stimulated further research activities since our last review from 2014.

Main body: Disentangling features of impulsivity in ADHD and BPD revealed that impulsivity is a feature of both disorders with patients suffering from both ADHD and BPD having highest impulsivity ratings. BPD individuals have more problems using context cues for inhibiting responses and their impulsivity is stress-dependent, whereas ADHD patients have more motor impulsivity and therefore difficulties interrupting ongoing responses. For emotion regulation difficulties the ranking order ranges from ADHD to BPD to the comorbid condition, again with the patients suffering from both, ADHD and BPD, having the most pronounced emotion regulation problems. Environmental influences namely adverse childhood events were shown to be linked to both ADHD and BPD. Traumatic experiences seem independently linked to impulsivity features. Thus, some authors point to the risk of misdiagnosis during childhood and the necessity to screen for traumatic experiences in both patient groups. Genetic research confirmed genetic overlap of BPD with bipolar disorder (BD) and schizophrenic disorders, as well as genetic overlap of BD and ADHD. A population-based study confirmed the high co-occurrence and familial co-aggregation of ADHD and BPD. Interesting questions in the field of gene-environment-interactions are currently dealt with by genetic and epigenetic research. Few studies have investigated treatment strategies for the comorbid condition, though the issue is highly important for the management of patients suffering from both disorders and presenting with the highest symptom scores.

END EXTRACT"""

Here's another peer review research article from 2019 called:

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder And Borderline Personality Disorder In Adults: A Review Of Their Links And Risks

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6850677/

EXTRACT" but with my highlight

Abstract

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD) are particularly common disorders, that are highly comorbid in adult populations. The symptomatic overlap between adult ADHD and BPD includes impulsivity, emotional dysregulation and interpersonal impairment, which makes the differential diagnosis difficult. Our review aims at focusing on recent data on the comorbid ADHD+BPD form, as well as the risk factors involved in the emergence of the two disorders. While adult ADHD and BPD share some genetic and temperamental risk factors, adult ADHD is characterized by more severe trait-impulsivity compared to non-comorbid BPD; BPD patients display more severe trait-emotion regulation symptoms compared to non-comorbid ADHD. Patients with the comorbid ADHD+BPD form have severe symptoms in both dimensions. Early-life exposure to adverse events is a shared risk factor for the development of ADHD and BPD, but type and timing of adversity seem to play a differential role in the development of BPD and ADHD symptoms. Age of onset used to be a discriminative diagnostic criterion between ADHD, an early-onset neurodevelopmental disorder, and BPD, a late-onset psychological disorder. However, this distinction has been recently called into question, increasing the need for more research aiming at delineating the disorders from a developmental and clinical standpoint. Clinicians should carefully consider the comorbidity, and consider ADHD and BPD dimensionally, in order to provide more effective patient management. This might improve early preventive interventions, and treatment for comorbid conditions in adulthood.

Also from Article. Extract"

Four possible explanations as to why the two disorders frequently co-occur have been put forward: i) ADHD may be a developmental precursor of BPD; ii) BPD and ADHD may correspond to different expressions of the same disorder rather than two distinct clinical entities; iii) ADHD and BPD may be distinct disorders sharing common etiological risk factors; and iv) the presence of one disorder may increase the risk of developing the other

Why is this important, why am I interested? 

I don't know. 👅💗🙏

DEEP Theta Binaural Beats ➤ LET GO of Fear, Overthinking & Worries ➤ 432Hz Deep Relaxation

 

Ive been using this for a few days now & I think its like taking Valium without any side effects or come down, although i've never taken one so how would I know......... First time I used it I basically passed out on the floor & it was the first time in I can't remember how long that the felt sense of anxiety sensation I have constantly down my spine in my upper back & shoulders, vagus nerve pain/contraction/constriction/agitation - completely disappeared - so thats pretty wow!

I mean it comes back terrifically easily when something triggers me, like the dogs go off or wtv - I think i've got Trauma bonding with the dogs..... seriously its been a nightmare. Maybe not trauma bonding, maybe just a vicious circle of us all having easily aroused nervous systems & not being able to break it. Wtv. So painful.

Bizarrely I do see getting the dogs when I did as a monumental act of self sabotage that saved my life..... the story of my life...... a contradiction in terms........nothing is clear........its all obscured by confusion or it has been very much so until maybe now, maybe getting less so now, I hope so.

Also this is one now a favourite too :)

Along with the Sukie Baxter's PolyVagal material, these are all having profound effects on me atm......it just makes me think about cultures that prioritise massage or other touch in an easy to access community sense or wtv & that if everyone was able to afford therapy as well (eg free co-counselling swap) the wellness ratio of the general population would absolutely skyrocket........instead in the West we've got Dopamine Nation: TV, prickly social media, porn, gambling, gaming & alcohol/drugs instead to distract us from the entirely constructed slope of a financial playing field that the GlobalElite have created for us to live our lives out on where 'everything' ends up in the ownership of the very very few...... nobody can win at that...... nobody, well maybe just psychopaths & sociopaths, but only because the world has been created in their own images.........Hmmm.

(I just spotted a quasi autistic word jumble I did there but I like it so much im gonna keep it :)

Late Diagnosis Anger/Trauma/Grief

I was talking with my wonderful, awesome daughter in law who has late diagnosed ADHD very recently at 33, about how angry I’ve been feeling & she told me that late diagnosis trauma is an actual recognised thing in mental health….. it’s ‘what could have been pain’….. yep that’s part of what’s been going on definitely, I keep getting really angry that I can’t have things happen that a more well person, someone who’s been okish, ok enough could have had like a career, relationships, friendships, achievements, I dunno, travel, err there’s lots of things isn’t there. I’ve literally lived in survival mode my entire adult life not knowing what the fuck was hitting me all the time, I didn’t know what was happening or why. 

So why am I getting angry now? Well, I thing my brain reconstruction process is in pretty good shape right now, best it’s been in a very long time, possibly ever which is great & a cause for great joy & for feeling very very proud & pleased that I’ve achieved that against such greats odds…… & I do think that feeling is there, it’s just partially obscured by this anger & trauma & loss about how much I missed out. Just bare with me, I’ve got to process it my way, I know people want to just say focus on the positive, the present, the future, don’t look back in anger or whatever but I’m raking it over to try to make sense & release some of it, Its just my process I guess. Certainly just a year ago I didn’t have the brain capacity to process anything other than am I having a good day & how to try to stay ok or a bad day & how best to triage that. 

I’ve been locked in my room on my own feeling crazy for all these different parts of my life, so many, long bipolar lows mainly but also for the 8 years after the Psychiatrist misdiagnosed/failed to diagnose me in 2008 I now know I was massively brain damaged at that time & at that actual appointment, which is why I couldn’t explain what I was experiencing to him. His misdiagnosis essentially put me & kept me in the house not knowing why my brain was broken or even that it was for nearly another decade of confusion. I had already given up alcohol, as i realised I couldn’t be trusted with it but that was my social anxiety buffer removed with nothing to replace it. 

It was just so baffling, probably since that first brain damage of the first Bipolar high & crash at 18. No, damn it……I felt brain damaged much earlier, I had over the top rage attacks as a child I don’t know when that started but it was still happening at 13/14 when I quit eating for 6 months. And as I went amongst it all as a teen & got into alcohol these merged into dangerous rage triggered by jealousy over boys, even physically attacking other girls - impulse control had left the building already…. this is how I left school at 17 with next to no qualifications. I hadn’t been able to concentrate on schoolwork for years, since about 12 is how I remember it. (there’s a real ADHD vibe about this period)

Bipolar highs definitely cause brain damage in & of themselves & the crash to low is completely surreal & feels like my nervous system completely disintegrating. Short term memory is decimated, as well as decision making & impulse control etc. I’ve heard PTSD be describe like Alzheimer’s & both my kids will verify how badly like Alzheimer’s I was post crash 2016 & now looking back I can start to see & appreciate the other times that I was left with this Alzheimer’s brain & the slow crawl back or else the resorting to extreme behaviour to get some respite & relief from the feeling of being disarranged cognitively as well as emotionally dysregulated by minutiae. 

Currently listing to Binaural Beats Deep Theta & it’s simply the most healing thing I’ve done in a long time for my nervous system 💜💜💜 Someone reminded me about them recently🙏 I used Binaural Beats for years between 2006-2015 but I invariably had no working headphones so I just had it on in the room which I think is not so good - that’s how poor I was financially before the disability benefits i got 2017 post diagnosis, I could not afford headphones. I was 50 & I couldn’t afford headphones, what can I say. 

Silly Sexy

Instagram - mine is on holiday from reality - which incidentally is what it was - im just disillusioned with the world of lying images right now tbh - 

Chronic Stress Weakens Connectivity in the Prefrontal Cortex: Architectural and Molecular Changes

Found this article rummaging around on Twitter in reference really to the PTSD that is now currently being wrought rapaciously across Europe & further afield with the new War.

Peer review research article from last year describing exactly what i'm always going on about. Its physical brain changes/damage caused by an unrelenting stress response that may be the result of difficult external circumstances but, more importantly in my mind, may have been merely modelled from a care giver in childhood or from psychological stress that wasn't attended to. Even lack of psychological support & sense of belonging cause brain damage. This is were i've been, on my own for the longest time. 

It makes me so angry. I'm feeling really angry. I've smiled my way so as not to bother anyone, through years & years of feeling brain damaged like big chunks of myself were missing & that not being able to cognitise information was fine, that not being able to remember words or what I was saying just now was fine & that living with a permanent felt sense of intense anxiety was fine just keep smiling..... im feeling so angry that mental health is seen as not physical that its all mental emotional 'stuff' that can be sorted out with the conscious mind...... The VagalTheory info (see last post) is clear that in a major way, it is dysfunction in the nervous system that is creating the difficult stuck, broken or unhelpful mental states that we all battle with, far more than the thoughts we think being the genesis & creator of our mental ill health.

All the mental stuff is just an interpretation, a guess, maybe, if we're lucky, a really good intuitive guess at what the body is trying to say.

Anyway. Im just feeling anger at the moment & im not smiling anymore. It wasn't fair. I was taken advantage of by so many people who should have known better. If I'd been physically ill in my twenties, thirties etc i'd have had support & sympathy from so many quarters. Because I had mental illness, depression, anxiety, ADHD-like high speed mind, physical, physical, physical - difficulty concentrating, difficulty explaining, difficulty feeling safe, difficulty controlling impulses, difficulty making decisions, brain damage, brain damage, brain damage.......im going to be angry about this on my blog until im not...... it may be some time...... im trying to accept that I can't afford therapy & im angry about that.....I can do self EMDR, I can learn bodywork to heal my nervous system, I can do these for free. I just feel ive been through so much.....im just so angry about it. I guess it will blow over. 

I just realised i'm proving this working hypothesis wrong in a way by being angry but, no, that's emotions, healthy emotions informing you when you've been violated or that something is wrong, that's different, emotions move, flow, shift, the nervous system states do not easily do that, they are stuck gears in the nervous system or synaptic blockages, its different albeit somewhat overlapping.

 Quote - Abstract

Chronic exposure to uncontrollable stress causes loss of spines and dendrites in the prefrontal cortex (PFC), a recently evolved brain region that provides top-down regulation of thought, action, and emotion. PFC neurons generate top-down goals through recurrent excitatory connections on spines. This persistent firing is the foundation for higher cognition, including working memory, and abstract thought. However, exposure to acute uncontrollable stress drives high levels of catecholamine release in the PFC, which activates feedforward calcium-cAMP signaling pathways to open nearby potassium channels, rapidly weakening synaptic connectivity to reduce persistent firing. Chronic stress exposures can further exacerbate these signaling events leading to loss of spines and resulting in marked cognitive impairment. In this review, we discuss how stress signaling mechanisms can lead to spine loss, including changes to BDNF-mTORC1 signaling, calcium homeostasis, actin dynamics, and mitochondrial actions that engage glial removal of spines through inflammatory signaling. Stress signaling events may be amplified in PFC spines due to cAMP magnification of internal calcium release. As PFC dendritic spine loss is a feature of many cognitive disorders, understanding how stress affects the structure and function of the PFC will help to inform strategies for treatment and prevention.

Heres the Link to the Article.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/24705470211029254

Sukie Baxter - Tips to Start a Trauma Healing Movement Practice

I just want to push this channel again. Subscribe subscribe!  This is such awesome material dealing with PTSD, cPTSD, GAD, anxiety, nervous breakdown & bipolar muscular tension issues - releasing body held trauma with movements based on PolyVagal Theory. 

“Going slow is going fast” once you get that it falls into place really nicely - wonderful stuff , so helpful, so calming, so relaxing 💜💜💜