That’s what I’ve got. I can stick to my routine, go out twice a day into wilderness preferably, with a dog on each side, but doing anything out of routine seems to completely flummox my synapses & I get disassociation, brain fog, confusion……..all of which ends up with frustration, self pity & possibly tears before I remember to engage a super self soothing skill set & maybe take a hearty Gaba promoting something or other. I still can't go out but the day can be at least somewhat salvaged.
It’s always in the summer, its so much worse in the summer. The feeling that one could go out, that the weather is not prohibitive to leaving the house so logically this is when it would be worse. In fact good weather calls you outside, insistently, pressure that becomes unbearable. I become phobic of my own tiny garden, the bridge to the other world, the sounds of other people, so many people, so nearby, moving around in the good weather, starts to make me nauseous.
I remember endless summers in darkened rooms crying, suicidal, not eating when no-one cared or called throughout my 20’s & 30’s. Being very poor, relentlessly poor, like a distinguishing hallmark of unworthiness, poverty was endlessly unbeatable as a single mum in minimum wage jobs that I hated in extremis.
I have some quite serious historical abandonment issues from relationships but more importantly I lost most of my friends when I necessarily gave up alcohol & coffee bars when I was 40 & had been wrongly told there was nothing wrong with me by a Psychiatrist. Terrifically confused, self preservation drove me to socially withdraw to see more clearly what this incredibly unstable substance that I was made of did without all these impacts from other people, my life had become just one big trigger orgy. A festival of Amygdala Hijack. So I stayed home, I learnt harp, I got the dogs. I had a tiny social circle. I was officially self employed on some benefits hardly earning anything, when you could still do that. (you can't now)
I lost some friends due to my erratic & unpredictable behaviour, I lost some friends after it became clear they were taking some serious advantage of me & my children & I lost the rest after diagnosis, some because it was too scary to have been long term friends with a properly tagged as mad person & worse, some because they did not believe in or value my diagnoses & felt I was making far far too much out of my looooong term inability to be well.
I feel honour bound to acknowledge at this point the many friends that are not here now, most of whom suffered what can only be described as serious mental health issues with addiction issues. Mostly undiagnosed.
Perhaps im not being entirely being fair, being older is definitely a factor, everyone gets less social & more discerning as they get older. Embracing my introvertion has been a relief, the rich inner world of the INFP is a good description, athough becoming overrun by misanthropy is an ever present danger.
After all, all the bad stuff happens mainly away from the house & when other people are there.
So, this was me yesterday failing to leave the house dressed for the beach in shorty wetsuit & leather jacket…… I need need need a less agoraphobic friend, any gender, who wants to swim/kayak/paddleboard, is musical, must like collies, could have ruminant type animals, has practical capacity like in decision making, emotionally steady & able to leave the house when it's sunny. Kind. Well theres a solstice wish list.
;) Happy Solstice
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