I just watched the video I posted with the last blog & realised that my writing did not really relate that greatly to the content….. their conversation just inspired that whole thought in me re Oxytocin from the very beginning when she talked about a mysterious spiritual element commonly occurring that enables the first putting down of addictions for some/many people. It struck me that people able to increase their feeling of at oneness with another person, a group of people, a place, an animal, family, community etc, the more that is developed the more regulated your oxytocin will be & the more overall contentment you may be able to access. Sure there’s other psychological needs like status & I dunno, having kids or whatever too but those mentioned above cover a very wide vector of well-being.
The discipline element, self control, delayed gratification capacity that they mention was described as a strengthened linkage between the old emotional limbic brain and the evolutionarily newer pre frontal cortex. This link &/or pre frontal cortex are areas where I have brain damage from, I think mainly from my untreated Bipolar episodes (though Anorexia terrible awful for everything) My first recollection of a crash from a high or possibly hyper mania was at the age of 18. I don’t remember the high, that actually figures now I’ve had a more conscious experience of mania…. I just know I was very busy, very scattered, prone to unexpected emotional outbursts, that’s all I remember but the crash that first crash was like being killed.
I remember waking up in bed completely unable to think or move or speak, I don’t remember being in pain but I bet I had the same nervous system pain that I have described when I crashed from my last big high in 2015/16, only I’d managed to be less conscious of it somehow, a kind of numbness. Unfortunately in this incredibly vulnerable state….. so hard to say this……my boyfriend had sex with me, I was unable to speak…… I guess that’s kind of unintentional assault because I did not/could not consent & was unable to brook much opposition as my body was so weird & weak. It was unpleasant. I love sex & fancied my boyfriend a lot but I found it unpleasant. Why do men find numb lifelessness in women so damn sexy……
It took a few days to slowly regain normal function & there was this disorientation which I think is a hallmark of bipolar crash. I don’t remember if I went into a depression or not, I assume I did. What’s salient though is the sense of being brain damaged, or having lost function & I think finding I had newly increased impulsivity & increased difficulty with decisions & having more anxiety & confusion, that all started back them. That was the beginning. It helps me to piece things together, thinking back. I lost a lot of the sense of coherence & time & the overall comprehension of my life, the big picture got lost very early on.
Well this ended up being a bit personal….. hmmm might take it down later x
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