& lots of good things to share but im all backed up on my inner hard drive - so here have some vanity selfies from today instead 💗💜💚 im a bit too old to get vain really but it goes to show it can happen to anyone, I spent most of my adult life unable to find a hairbrush & avoiding mirrors & photos….. but then we are living in the Age of Vanity, of beauty/image worship/fetishism aren’t we…..I think we are, more than ever before, I suppose, with the onus now on the individual now able to compete to some extent with Hollywood standards of beauty that 50 yrs ago most would have happily experienced as unattainable. No market in unattainable though is there…..
I think I just spend too much time on my own & im the most interesting thing in my environment - but no, I do get pleasure out of make-up, its such an easy self expression even when im blocked up in other ways. I’ve been in a BPD episode for a few days I think, its been building for a while before that, I should make the effort to describe it better, I know, & its so much clearer to perceive & assess without the backdrop of permanent anxiety. What I will say though, is just how deeply & keenly it alters my perception of the world, just completely 100% different; that social phobia with paranoia, almost psychosis in perception, its only because im largely under no stress in my life, or none I cannot duck out of anyway, that I can see it for what it is so clearly. I would have to withdraw from any sort of busy environment. Fortunately, Im able to spend a lot of time in Nature which is so forgiving of those perceptions. Distortion, majorly distorted perception with foggy thinking & lostness, so very very uncomfortable. I had started not being able to tweet my opinions on Twitter, again, I’d write a reply then delete it in doubt & confusion. I’d freeze. This seems to have been a much milder episode & shorter than other ones I’ve spoken about on here but still really horrible.
Im still getting *lots* of help & relief from my Isochronic tones but I could dearly do with help from a therapist (even Samaritans?) for my BPD core trigger stuff.
Ive been making voice notes on my phone to try to help me to remember things I want to share, I have such an abysmal time trying to organise myself, my thoughts & ideas etc & I do have a lot of them ( thx god I have made the ADHD connection 🙄 though) & I did a whole 5 minutes about loneliness & mental illness which Id like to share - - - we'll see - lots of love
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