Just logging this here incase I ever need 4 mins of pure restorative calm peace of mind 🏄💗🌊🌅
Tuesday, 27 April 2021
Dr Daniel Fox
https://www.youtube.com/c/DrDanielFox/about
This lovely soul - a American Clinical Psychologist who specialises in the Personality Disorders has become an important support element in my recovery from all my things but especially BPD. I have his books & I often put one of his many helpful videos on when I'm upset as it helps ground me & console me or when I'm ok to learn a thing or 2. He's really great 💜
Widget
I will make a Widget (soon) for the side bar listing with links all the substances that I have found helpful over this long long journey I've been on, trying to be well.
Its as well to list them now as the possibility that unpatentable substances can be always get made illegal when a lot of people come to find benefit from them but no-one makes a big enough profit from that benefit. Sorry, that's a bit paranoid. Anyway, there's no fear of that as people do just love their pharmaceuticals & the good word of their health professionals. Each to their own......whilst we can.
Lithium Orotate 5mg
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-lithium-orotate-89475
This is a very grounded summary of Li O supplementation - the statement about "not much research" is to be found across the board for anything remotely cheap or *Unpatentable* that manufactures cannot screw the public over for. Oh what a world. If you want to try this supplement read up about it for yourself.
https://selfhacked.com/blog/lithium-orotate-dosage-safety/ is helpful
I buy this one - https://www.dolphinfitness.co.uk/en/swanson-lithium-orotate-5-mg-60-veggie-capsules/184983
This is essentially microdosing lithium to kind of missing from the soil/modern agriculture/food level dose. it is a far far cry from the enormous stultifying, toxic dose given to most sufferers of Bipolar 1.
I have to admit I've been dabbling with this supplement for over a decade & I love its 'downer' affect - sometimes I have 2, very rarely 4 in one day - if im really het up, usually I just have one every evening with some relaxant, ant-anxiety herb tincture.
I was telling people I had bipolar at the age of 19 - I did not know if Bipolar was 'real' or not or if it has a biological foundation or not, which it does, but I started saying it at 19.
I went to GP's regularily throughout my 20's with "god awful debilitating depression" which were sometimes followed by crazy, impulsive, extremely damaging & dangerous risk taking periods - to be told that if I did not want the Prozac then there was nothing wrong with me. That seemed to be the main message that was on repeat when I managed to crawl into the Dr's office. It wasn't till I had developed poverty, adversity & hypo mania related Anorexia from 2003 - 2008 aged about 36 - 41 that anyone (a friend who was a GP actually) began to take me seriously.
Unfortunately when I first got to see a Psychiatrist in 2007 my vivid explanation on how I now knew that I had been suffering from long term entity possession did not sufficiently persuade said professional who then laughed at me when I told him I had alway assumed that I had Bipolar. Helpful it was not. detrimental it really was.
New Colour
I am counting lipsticks as Art materials now - also I buy discontinued, good fakes & seconds on Ebay to feed my the Mac Lipstick obsession - new today a dark copper brown frost - Taraij P Henson 2 Viva glam range- its adorable, didn't think it would suit me but I love it 🤎 it makes my teeth look whiter which is weird
Oh Fuck Off
People are Twats, they really are, I get gossiped about, quite a bit, I think, I guess the perps are sad & lonely & needy - why else would you repeat hearsay about a woman well known locally to have multiple severe mental health problems.
Prior to my big high (throughout most of 2015) I had muddled through for decades not really knowing what was going on or what I was doing on multiple levels, dog ownership being just one of them. I adopted these problematic twin male dogs who were fathered by a farm collie & mothered by a maniac - lovable maniac - but maniac non the less. We walked miles & miles every day - they cured my long depressions but we had behavioural problem, reactivity with other dogs - mainly a hell of of a lot of barking & some herding & a few scuffles. I was an inexperienced dog owner, I had help from a trainer but failed to make the boys less protective of me. They literally assumed all incoming dogs were coming to harm me. Now I know that my long trashed nervous system is symbiotically shared within the pack & we are reactive mainly because I am. The are scared of other dogs when I am.
Generalised Anxiety Disorder does not take prisoners. neither does undiagnosed Borderline Personality disorder. They are both excruciating & make normal life & human interaction largely impossible. Walking in nature though, that I could do, that I needed to do, twice a day every day, without fail, in all weathers, preferably without seeing any other dogs or any other people for my sense of calm & commune with the natural world to have a hope.
Since my diagnosis with Bipolar 1 in 2016 (& BPD 2019) discovering that I did genuinely have very considerable problems, that my perceptions of reality were not always to be relied upon. Since then I have dedicated a very high level of care into managing my beloved dog reactive dogs in public. There have been zero incidents instigated by my dogs in that time but on the other hand my boy Connor, *on a lead & muzzled* has been jumped on 7 times. We also have a pony sized Ridgeback male who charges at us on sight but apparently that's ok because he doesn't bite. I live with the fact he might turn up wherever we are & charge at us. Its not my badass boys I'm scared for, its for myself, I am scared of him.
Over the years my boys have had a very wide range of male on male dog scraps, there have been zero bites either way. Male dogs do seem to do this. We avoid other dogs, especially male dogs just to be on the safe side. There are some problem female dogs locally also, tho this seems less common. My guys usually fancy those ones.
If I had a field with some chickens & my imaginary familial posse of alpaca they could herd & protect we'd all be a lot happier but having been very very mentally ill for 30 years without support & barely scraping by that's pretty hard on your earning potential, hence regrettably, no field. Un-ironic sad face.
I'm OK post ignorant gossip laden woman with Dartmoor pony sized mutt not fucking off when I requested her to today - but I'm ready to move. Being very mentally ill for a very long time without any treatment, recognition or any support in this local area since 1993 - over 28 yrs there has been a lot of crass behaviour both by me & directed at me that I will be more than happy to leave behind both in the past & at this location geographically.
You local gossip perps also need to move on & get yourselves a life.
Saturday, 24 April 2021
So
I am really enjoying my 🏴☠️ Pirate look thing I’ve been cultivating - it really is the only decent look for a woman in her 50’s with front teeth missing, she said mildly.
Purple lipstick makes your teeth look green but in my case the few I have left are actually green so that’s cool.
I’m only writing this to try out the blogger app on iPhone but it’s a fiddly chuffing nightmare.
This is my darkest shade lipstick, Punk Couture. I’ve become obsessed- I’m going to become one of those people making Mac lipstick collection swatch videos on YouTube, having mood & memory associations attached to each shade. But no really it’s been a joy
I had lipstick as a rockabilly teenager, I had orange & red I remember, but I was entirely make up free bar black kohl eye liner from about 17 until this birthday 54 - that’s a crazy long time. But yes, it’s really pleasurable. I actually find doing my makeup to be very soothing & significantly reduces anxiety, I guess that’s the tight focus & the fact it is an “”Art” that requires creativity & attention to colour & stuff.
I posit that the high take up of lipstick by women may have something to do with the disproportionately high number of sensory nerve endings found in the lips, probably higher in women, my own hypothesis, and the production of the lovely bonding neurotransmitter Oxytocin - one of the best neurotransmitters in my opinion 💕 just rambling I can always delete it later
Friday, 23 April 2021
Cool
Ahhh - its taking a bit of effort returning to blogger - I had a high spreed geopolitical, natural health blog here from 2007-2015 which is no longer in the public domain. Anyway, suffice to say I'm going to do here what I was going to to at the crazy Piccadilly Circuseque Twitter App. Much nicer.
Twit thread 2
(Oh this is tricky - the links don't transpose over to here 😒 )
One of my favourite supplement is N-Acetyl Cysteine (NAC)
Here’s a brilliant article about it from Psychology Today
& Here’s a peer reviewed study
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3044191/
Taurine is a brilliant anti anxiety amino acid.
I love this website nootropicsexpert.com/taurine
Here’s an extract from the page
DL Phenylalanine- essentially saved my brain - I think it rebuilt significantly brain damage by providing the precursors for the neurotransmitters my illnesses tend to deprive me of.
Compared to the problems people can have with anti psychotics & anti depressants, using specific amino acids is a doddle, tho over use can cause loose bowels.
The best thing is that they are no problems with withdrawal at all, so you can stop if you don’t like or feel benefit.
It’s crucial that people with #bipolardisorder understand their sensitivity to light, both too much & not enough. I was working in a confined space with a light box when I started to get high in 2015.
I had been wrongly told I was not bipolar by a Psychiatrist in 2007 - I was always fending off depression not avoiding a high, which I am now I have correct diagnoses.
Having a correct diagnosis is like have a map - it’s been incredibly helpful.
💗
Twit Thread
Begin at the beginning - well I would but I already started with a thread on twitter - which despite unrolling it, I cannot post it to here so here's the link -
https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1383128376265875456.html
but that's going to feel incomplete so I will replicate it here also, for my own comfort & sense of being all in the same place.
Here goes:
My 1906 Steinway Model O - this was my Great Aunts/ (fairy) God Mothers - somehow gratefully came into my world circa 2015 - its arrival actually contributed to the major BP1 High I had that year (pictured) which got me diagnosed - 3 decades of intense suffering too late but hey
Attempting to arrange its arrival single handedly was an unmitigated tragi/comedy disaster, which is kind of the norm I've come to expect as someone with brain damage to the frontal cortex executive organising part of the brain.
You don't want the gory details of the wake of destruction & demolition that resulted in this 6'6 grand piano entering my living room. Suffice to say I needed a jobbing builder, in all 3 times.......
This was me - back in the day - my lovely friend Simon recorded me to iPhone & I made a little show reel to get work in Care homes, which I did.
Live Acoustic Harp at Littlehempston Church, 18th April 2013 youtu.be/53SUZ3d1m-s via
I wasn't so well. I had permanent anxiety, stress induced hallucinations, intense paranoia & what I know now to be disassociation caused by my then undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. (Only Diagnosed 2019!) I had a guitar covers channel on YouTube but its gone.I might try & find the old videos - I was ok, I sing in tune. But really I must record the piano as this is my main thing this last 8 years now - I'm not in a rush tho, I hate recording. I love playing but hate recording.
I’m an unusual never medicated, never hospitalised Bipolar 1
I’m a huge student of natural medicine, across the board, I’ve studied most everything. The stuff I found that helps me the most I still use daily.
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