The 4 Main Trauma Responses - Dr Caroline Leaf Podcast 302

 This is very info dense but cut it into small portions if necessary - She’s brilliant 💗

4 things to know about BPD

 I love this but it makes me sad……. It’s so simple & so obvious yet BPD has been in the shadows ruining life’s, friendships, relationships. Mine own, to be sure.

I realised I did a clever thing in isolating, it was top self preservation, everything hurt so much, I didn’t have much choice but it’s how I’ve learnt to be more comfortable being alone which is one of the classic BPD indicators (not being able to be alone). By limiting my exposure to others I’ve limited the risky coming together & parting again natural cycle that magnifies our aloneness, so excruciating, so wildly triggering with attendant fears of &/or actual false perception of rejection or even actual real world rejection risks at every juncture.

and this one by same channel is quite neat & useful too

I lose concentration so easily, whilst I was watching it I was thinking, oh I will comment on this and that & now a few mins later I can’t remember what, I’d have to watch it again. So I will let it speak for itself.

One thing that’s salient though is the fact that different sufferers will have very much more of one symptom & little or none of another. For instance I don’t relate at all to the symptom of feeling very empty, ever, I am never bored, I have far too much going on internally to be bored but I do get very easily overwhelmed & I do very easily disassociate, lose time & feel mentally very confused.

So funny, watching it again & I keep disassociating at ‘trust issues’ 3 times I tried to watch that bit lol 😂 

Untitled

 I’m alway chuffed when *I don’t feel* I look like complete crap in a photo - wearing a wet cloth prob a bit suss tho 🙌🌞🙏

Dr Fox - BPD Does & Don’t

 This might seem too oversimplified but I do just love Daniels calm reassuring delivery 

I didn’t like the ‘fat cat I’ve been feeding’ analogy but I guess…… my thing is avoidant, I haven’t been feeding it but I’ve been allowing it to sit in the corner staring at me ominously, making healing & changing & everything seem impossible. To be fair I did not know what it was for so long that I think to have survived so long without diagnosis, validation or support is a goddamn miracle tbh 💗✊

When I got my BPD Diagnosis

I thought to share about getting diagnosed, coming up to 2 years ago now. I had been receiving regular support from the local Community Mental Health Team since my Bipolar 1 diagnosis in 2016 & my support person just out of the blue said we have an appointment with the Psychiatrist for you, I was confused, these are really really hard to get on the NHS & I hadn’t asked for one, I assumed that they were going to confirm or change my original earlier diagnosis which I wasn’t really happy about that being interfered with at all, after it had taken so long to get it.

I generally suffer a pretty constant level of white noise with almost constant anxiety making it hard to think clearly & decision making frequently impossible & to be honest, pretty much everything is majorly stressful under those conditions. 

I went to the appointment with my support person & immediately hit a wall of terror, absolutely helplessness like the floor had gone. It was a new psychiatrist who I’d never spoken to which was like handing yourself over to a stranger to decide if you live or die. Literally a visceral thumbs up or down Roman Emperor moment it felt like.

The physical tension from the stress in my neck shoulders & upper body was excruciating, I did not feel entirely in my body, I could barely follow what was being said but I was becoming increasingly paranoid that they wanted to take my Bipolar diagnosis away & replace it with BPD which I knew very little about.

I fought to keep my original diagnosis desperately, not fully able to follow what they were saying.

After the 40 min appointment I went home & put myself to bed, absolutely baffled by what had just happened, I felt like I’d been on a spin cycle in a washing machine for an entire weekend. I proceeded to have a headache for nearly a week during which I managed to write an extended complaint about the psychiatrist to my GP.

Gradually I came to understand that I had a very distorted perception of what had actually happened, the psychiatrist had been adding BPD & not removing Bipolar, I had been so intensely paranoid I had misunderstood the outcome completely.

I started to research BPD & rejected the possibility entirely for weeks. Over time, I read more & I found that 10% bipolar also have BPD & that it’s really hard to see the latter when the former is activated at either pole.

In all, I think it took me about 3 months to fully accept the additional diagnosis and from that point forwards it has been the most helpful thing that’s happened in decades of interpersonal trauma & general dysfunction caused by my unrecognised mental illness.

Validation. It’s been hugely validating to know that I was not making it up, or exaggerating for manipulative effect. That the terrifically bad choices I kept making where the result of a brain based reactivity that was intrinsically baffling & believable & also sought to make trouble I believe, as a kind of self harm because I couldn’t work out how to make this damn disassociated thing float, not in any helpful of useful life affirming way anyway.

The most painful of the Mental Illnesses, BPD, deserves much much more recognition & respect for the devastation it causes in full flow without recognition but also to the tragic 1 in 10 suicide rate that is associated with this difficult of difficult mental illnesses. 💕

Made of Millions

 https://www.madeofmillions.com/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder

Enjoyed this page & looking around the main website, very impressive push going on here to educate & reduce stigma & extend a supporting hand. Also with a live-streaming content programme. 👍

https://www.madeofmillions.com/

Life with Borderline Personality Disorder - Short Film, BBC Stories

 

This is lovely to watch as a sufferer. I have never self harmed in the more well known ways which I think delayed getting a diagnosis significantly. I did have disordered eating for a very long time though which can often be an expression of self harm.

It’s so easy to see how lovely many people with BPD are underneath all that intense suffering & frustration about intense suffering.

Rosie describe BPD emotion as like being electrocuted & I find that the most brilliant & accurate description I have heard, it gives me heart that I am not alone in this excruciating level of emotional dysfunction.

We are lovable. 💕

Amazing Virtual Reality Self Interpretation of BPD

https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/clip/4ca40af3-50a0-433b-b632-70a94f68b507

This is an extraordinarily deep interpretation & expression of what it can be like to live with BPD 👏👏🙌🙏

There are lots & lots of variations in individual experience. I love to see this though, I feel less mad/crazy seeing this 💕

Attachment Styles and Borderline Personality Disorder

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202107/attachment-styles-and-borderline-personality-disorder

All & any insight is helpful & will help us heal 💕 when I’m feeling crap I try to research because I can’t think straight in my own mind but hearing objective sense can really help.

I hate you, don't leave me - BPD Articles

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/most-accurate-article-on-bpd-we-have-recently-read-kudos/

 https://mental-health-matters.com/borderline-personality-and-abuse/

Be warned that the second article is particularly heavy & kind of heavy going at the same time, but I think both offer really important insight.💗💕

31 Natural Factors that May Increase Myelin

https://selfhacked.com/blog/myelin/

Excellent!

There is now much research being done into understanding of the distinct connection between reduced Myelin sheathing in certain areas of the brain & the severe mental illnesses.

This is a brilliant article listing some natural ways of potentially stimulating an increase of Myelin in the brain 🙌 

Brain Food for Mental Health

 https://centerfordiscovery.com/blog/brain-food-mental-health/

Neat little article - although I find the inclusion of carbs a bit confusing - as a protein type I feel better running on protein & get blood sugar problems without it…..anyway

“Nutritional neuroscience is an emerging discipline that is opening the doors and shedding light that nutritional factors are directly connected with human cognition, behavior, and emotions. Changes in brain signal transmission at the level of a chemical synapse are essential in the development of mental disorders or a change in a neurotransmitter’s chemical structure, or an imbalance at any point in this complex process may affect emotions, moods, thoughts, and behaviors. Mental health status can be a direct result of the interaction of different factors leading to malfunction of certain brain chemicals neurotransmitters which leads to the development of mental illness. Deficiencies in neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine, nor adrenaline, and γ amino butyric acid (GABA) are often associated with depression.

Nutrition can play a key role in the onset as well as the severity and duration of several mental health conditions, such as depression. Many of the easily noticeable food patterns that precede depression are the same as those that occur during the depression, which may include poor appetite, skipping meals, and a lack of dietary variety. The most common mental disorders that are currently prevalent in numerous countries are depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The dietary intake pattern of the general population in many Asian and American countries reflects that they are often deficient in many nutrients, especially essential vitamins, minerals, and omega-3 fatty acids.

Nutrients that affect mental health status

• Amino Acids
  • Amino acids such as tryptophan, tyrosine, histidine, and arginine are used by the brain for the synthesis of various neurotransmitters and neuromodulators
  • Deficiency Symptoms:
    • Mental: Depression and possible increased aggression
    • Physical: Weak immune system, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, water retention
• Carbohydrates
  • Glucose- Preferred fuel for brain – the brain derives its energy of blood sugar, obtained from carbohydrates, to perform mental activities
  • Deficiency Symptoms:
    • Mental: Poor brain functioning-irritability, increased depression, memory loss, lack of concentration
    • Physical: Nausea, bad breath, increase in fat percentage of the body, loss of muscle mass, muscle cramps, excessive fatigue and exhaustion, loss of sodium in the body, diarrhea or constipation, frequent headaches, loss of water content in the body
• Fats
  • EFA’s makeup cell membranes- Omega 3’s: Thanks to its anti-inflammatory properties and effects on dopamine and serotonin transmission, omega-3 has a role in brain development and functioning, with deficiencies linked to mental health problems. Low levels of circulating Omega-3 EPA and cholesterol are risk factors for impulsive and depressive behaviors.
  • Deficiency Symptoms:
    • Mental: Mood swings, depressed mood, hyperactivity, anxiety, anger, sleep problems
    • Physical: Hair loss, poor wound healing, dry rash, hair depigmentation
• Vitamin B-12
  • B-12 promotes fluid intelligence: reasoning, ability to learn, ability for abstract thinking. This vitamin produces the myelin sheath encasing the nerves, which is important because the nerves cannot conduct messages from the brain to the rest of the body efficiently without a healthy myelin sheath.
  • Deficiency Symptoms:
    • Mental: Agitation, irritability, mood swings, emotional instability, apathy, memory problems, personality changes, trouble concentrating, suspiciousness
    • Physical: Anemia, fatigue, yellowish skin tone
• Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C)
  • Vitamin C’s least known and most powerful function may be in preventing and treating depression and anxiety. A deficiency can cause neurological damage so the addition of vitamin C to the diet can improve or reverse symptoms of anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder.
  • Deficiency Symptoms:
    • Mental: Depressed mood, possible personality changes, and fatigue
    • Physical: Bruising, muscle soreness, bleeding skin
• Zinc
  • Zinc has a relationship with serotonin receptors and low concentrations of both zinc and serotonin metabolites have been shown to be associated with the development of depression. It also helps in protein synthesis and structure and regulation of gene expression in addition it serves in neurons and glial cells.
  • Deficiency Symptoms:
    • Physical: Alopecia (baldness), reduced immune function, poor wound healing, hypogeusia (reduced taste sensitivity)
    • Mental: depression, irritable, lethargic
• Folic Acid
  • Not only is Folic acid important for modulating neurotransmitter rate; this nutrient is part of an enzyme needed for making DNA and new cells, especially red blood cells
  • Deficiency Symptoms:
    • Mental: changes in mood, irritability
    • Physical: Anemia, diarrhea, fatigue, pale skin, poor immune function

References:

1. Rao, T. S. S., Asha, M. R., Ramesh, B. N., & Rao, K. S. J. (2008). Understanding nutrition, depression and mental illnesses. Indian Journal of Psychiatry, 50(2), 77–82. https://doi.org/10.4103/0019-5545.42391
2. World Health Organization Report (2017) Depression and other common mental disorders global health estimates.

Extremes

 Kind of aging sexpot 70’s ex-model - photos are weapons of mass deception aren’t they, was gonna post a tired gran no make up to show the vast difference but I can’t in all conscience do that to you.

I joined an INFP group on Reddit & feeling impersonally very loved this evening, just being embroiled in the familiarity of other INFP’s being their lovely selves - we are lush 💗💕💕💕 I love us.

These are from there

🥰🥰🥰🤣🤣🤣✌️

Is this Art

4 separate exposures in natural light - no filters, I don’t know what filters are tbh

 

Adrenaline Dominance Podcast

https://mysolluna.com/blog/2020/04/13/overcoming-adrenaline-and-hormonal-imbalance-with-dr-michael-e-platt-episode-465/

A podcast from last year about Adrenaline Dominance - I’ve bought one his books now 👍🙌 Dr Michael Platt 🙏 great stuff

Well

I'm so glad I'm not blogging for support, cause that fucker is so hard to come by......lol

I'm definitely really benefiting from the self expression practice though, from trying to share. I used you, my blog for ranting about getting bullied & I feel so much more able to defend myself in those circumstances now - although there hasn't been another since the 3 incidents I've complained about on here, i do not feel so scared on one happening.

So, in the service of expanding self expression here's a couple of minimally verbal but skyline beautiful videos I made last night. 

I did open iMovie for the first time in over a decade though - what a nightmare - it might as well be explained in Russian for all the good I find the instructions. Crashed the computer. Panic attacks. I am to some extent techno phobic these days.

I had corrected the orientation of this one but must I have failed to keep the change I made - techno inadequate that I am, so frustrating.

Its hard to explain how disabling struggling with relationships is, difficulty with all interpersonal relationships - misreading people, misunderstanding their intentions, feeling paranoia..... that's just the brief interactions - now imagine it on a friendship or relationship level.

Theres a brilliant Dylan Moran sketch about choosing dogs over humans in relationship - yes, Dylan, it is all the I challenge want, its off Aim Low I think - I used to be in love with Dylan Moran but now post-menopause I think I'm in love with his wife. One of my dogs is named after him though, that's a compliment, keeps him close in spirit.

People with mental illness must watch comedy of their choice - its the law - its the neurotransmitters - the right comedian is an SSRI for the soul.

oh I found this its a bit more recent - no, I do still adore him actually......

💗 Looking Good 💗✊💜

I Dreamt

 a really scared dream of Michael Stipe last night........well the scenario wasn't scarey but I was scared anyway.........

He was on my mind last night because I was drafting a blog piece about my meeting him & Mike Mills of REM at a Make Trade Fair event in London I suppose 20m yrs ago.......hmmm

My simple affection for my beloved band REM has been deeply complicated by the fact that the person who enabled that meeting was, in fact, through me, buying my daughters trust, as well as a whole pod of innocent teen friends as a prelude to abusing them all.

Pretty gross tbh & not a fair or decent thing to do to a single mum or a 13 year old.

When you have money, as a man, you can buy women's trust & affection.

Anyway, I can't go there on that subject any more deeply than that, other to say, I had a scarey dream of lovely Michael last night who I do very much see as a good, honest & trustworthy person & man. 

He felt very kind when I met him despite my not being able to speak. I think I dissolved or disassociated or something. I lasted about 10 seconds under his gaze before vanishing..........

Mike Mills was an absolutely sweetheart & made me feel very seen & calmed, an amazing thing to experience in the presence of true golden rock god. I thank both of you. I was sooooo drunk, shakes head. 

Sadly I do not have the picture of me & Mike, I never saw it, it got destroyed somehow.

Sun in the 12th House

Just when you thought I was a bit sciency, aha!

I’ve been into full chart natal astrology for over 30 years, on & off, for relaxation, as a psychological self development tool, recently I have been enjoying reaching into the subtle vibes of the asteroids, there are lots of fun & sexy asteroids to play with …… leave now if that’s a cause for consternation, I’ll show you my constellations if …….lol

I’m with my friend poet Matt Harvey in saying that Astrology really shouldn’t work but it does very often seem too.

So, if I did make an album of music ever, it might be called Sun in the Twelfth House because the difficulties I experience related to this seem often rather overwhelming. Then there’s my Pisces Rising to a negligible Aquarius Sun, bravely resisting Pisces by mere seconds….. still I sometimes get the benefit of the Uranian lightning bolt in my manner. The 12th house is about madness, institutions, hospitals, prisons, the subconscious, the mythic underworlds, a lot like Pisces, ruled by Neptune….there’s way too much Neptune in my astrology all round.

To literally add insult to injury I have the wounded healer Chiron right there in the 1st house of Self & identity, representing a deep, karmic wound to my sense of self, add that to an underworld Sun & Pisces Rising & you may sense a predicament.

Chiron exactly conjunct Venus in the 1st.  Deepest wound is to most intrinsic sense of self, low self esteem in expression of creativity…… no shit Sherlock 😬

Chiron always hurts, wherever it is in your chart, if it’s aspected, the other planet can offer an avenue to healing, Venus Chiron makes love relationships, even platonic friendships sometimes, very painful, untenably so mostly in my experience. I love so much it hurts but isn’t that the mega abandonment issues, the easy co-dependency & addiction that BPD reliably evokes.

I’ve got Mercury on the Ascendant, loosely conjunct Chiron/Venus, what a mess…… kind of denotes ready intuition, psychic abilities &/or madness….. it’s feels a bit lose faith all yea who enter here to me……. a capacity to describe the subconscious, the emotions……an instinct for psychology.

So grand trine in water signs from Chironated Venus to Jupiter & Neptune himself…… more bloody intangibility.

Literally only music then…… I must play today…..

16 Benefits of Bio-identical Progesterone

 

Click on image to read easier from https://plattwellness.com/pages/16-benefits-of-progesterone

just saying - I'm a big believer 

Quote

"Adrenaline Dominance

Adrenaline triggers the fight-or-flight response, which mobilizes the body’s resources for immediate physical action. The fight-or-flight response is designed to last for only a certain period of time and then abruptly come to an end once the threat has passed. In our modern times, we are experiencing a level of heightened stress.  Dr. Platt has compiled years of observational and evidenced-based treatments blocking adrenaline. In this book “Adrenaline Dominance” he addresses conditions like anger, road rage, restless leg syndrome, teeth grinding (Bruxism), depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), brain fog, PTSD, autism, bed-wetting, leg cramps, TMJ, headaches, ADHD, interstitial cystitis, PMDD, occipital neuritis, plus many others are caused by excess adrenaline. And progesterone seems to be the hormone that can help balance both excess adrenaline, insulin, and excess estrogen along with a proper diet. Progesterone offers a natural, healthy, and effective way to help reduce excess adrenaline and also to help block its effects. By addressing the cause (i.e., high levels of adrenaline), rather than the symptoms, many conditions can often be eliminated, along with the medications used to treat them. Getting hormones into balance, changing the way people eat, and utilizing certain supplements can accomplish optimal health. "

Adrenaline Dominance....... what a great phrase, a description that fits so much in

I think Bio-Identical Progesterone is the missing link in so many illnesses cross gender working as a master neuro-steroid

(I am in love with & use Ona's 10% Prog Cream)

Baby Magdalyn

Our twin loss story.

I want to share our baby loss story, somewhat, to some extent, to try & share but it’s a very big deal for me to rummage into that extremely intense time period that I shared so intimately with my daughter Lily.

Also, I met a lovely man called Chris on the South West Coastal path a few weeks ago now, who was running a marathon a day, for every day that his baby daughter Anabella lived, 28 marathons in 28 days. We connected instantly, it was day 8 of his marathons, I told him my baby granddaughter was born later in the same summer as his daughter, 2018 & had died at 8 days old, we were both very touched by each others stories & spoke for a while. This is his website https://walkforanabella.com

Our baby died ultimately from the same cause as Anabella. NEC is the heartless taker of vulnerable premature babies, but it was precipitated in our case by a serious malfunction of the placenta throughout pregnancy. Approximately 1/10 identical twin pregnancies fail to some extent, meaning that either one or both babies is lost. Identical twins are about 10 times more rare than fraternal twins & TTTS/TAPS which we had only occurs in about 10% of those, hence there was no first hand knowledge of this level of complication actually experientially at our SCBU.

I had meant to contact Chris but it meant looking back at what happened too deeply, which is so very difficult & triggering, it wasn’t quite the right time for me.

Well, it’s the twins birthday tomorrow & I recorded a little narration of thoughts that came up for me last night whilst I was out in nature thinking aloud, processing a bit.

Slightly confusingly, I thought I had failed to record my words so the second video is a beautiful bit of sunset where I bemoan my techno inadequacy but I’m going to share them both because the lightening effect of the second video plus a proper bit of sunset whilst talking about talking about her seems appropriate to me. She was not a ‘barely there baby", that phrase rolled off my tongue to describe the sky in the first video & I call her that but that's wrong, she was only barely there in the time she gave us. She was an altogether there baby, who did not cry at birth because she was intensely studying her new environment, wide eyed with, what seemed to me, in that first moment of seeing her, the appearance of an adept.

I can’t really explain how I feel or what I think about what happened. I have lots of conflict about some of the protocols that we had no say about at the hospital, that I feel contributed to her loss but it’s too much to go through, it’s too detailed as well as much too fraught.

The basic situation was that we had a very complicated identical twin shared placenta pregnancy from about 16 weeks & whilst we were told there was chance of loosing one or both babies, at the time of their birth we had every reason to believe we had all made it.

So, the week that followed in the Special Care Baby Unit was, well, its still much too hard for me to describe. Very many parents that experience ICU/SCBU/NICU care with newborns get a degree of PTSD. Lily absolutely has lasting PTSD from such a very difficult pregnancy as well as from the hospital. Lily also has PTSD or PTSD-like issues stemming from a very difficult childhood with an undiagnosed mentally ill mother & especially, especially misadventure & abuse during her teens.

Here are my 2 little videos I mumbled my way thru last night.

Here’s my baby girls when they were briefly, far too briefly reunited on release from the incubators. Magda got sick very suddenly & went downhill very fast. Really, she left in less than 24 hrs of this photo. She is the paler baby on the left, Pan is a bit more red, this was due to the TTTS/TAPS condition we had.

The ever present hole she’s left is the space she should have been in in our lives but of course she will never leave our hearts.

Here is Pan who is 3 tomorrow 💗  She is awesome.

My Swim Partner

Pan 

Though she’s not big enough to help me lift my kayak yet……give it time…..