Sense of Self in BPD in Remission

Oh what a happy title to be able to write. Hard won, so hard won. So i've been pondering the implications of having BPD in remission on my internal sense of self now compared with back in the day when I lived in an undiagnosed constant BPD haze, a fug of dysphoric mind stuff with attendant on-edge reactivity.

Being so much in the clear atm the difference is as night to day & though im always open to being wrong im feeling very much that what we call our sense of self, in the final analysis, after all the extraneous crap is out of the way will be found to be the simple yet hard won matter of being connected to the subtle compass of our real feeling self. The still small voice they call it although to me its is more a dictionary of subtle feeling in the body.

This is the true self as far as I am concerned & in BPD especially with its dysphoric pall of emotio-sensory discomfort but also Bipolar with so much distraction & loud nervous system dysfunction, it is very very hard to feel/hear, hence the famous disconnect.

The hard won part is simply that much of the trauma body accompanying, likely actually the cause of & main constituent part of severe mental conditions such as I suffer, that layer must be felt unconditionally in order to heal it. This is no small order when, as is often the case, disassociation/depersonalisation tendencies are baked in to most trauma bodies.

The reason ive been pondering this is because I keep hearing folk talk about Personality Disorders & saying well it's your personality what can you do? So this is not my experience at all. I do not relate to the dysphoric, reactionary elements of myself as being an intrinsic part of my personality but rather they are a part of my illness. The complication is when you are living under the pall of a condition for a very long time without identifying it as separate from yourself, which seems to be what a lot of people are doing. 

So I mean, you are owning these broken, damaged energies, holding them up as representing you internally when you don't need to, imo, you just need to become aware of the thought forms & urges & observe. I had a non action clause for a long time because I knew my urges were out of whack with who I wanted to be. Non action is easier than better action I found so it was a neutral & a missed gain but better than a loss which might capitulate.

I mean there's a subtle rub here, that broken energy is you, was you & you must reintegrate it into yourself, you must hold it in a maternal level of conscious awareness without resentment to be whole & well but it does not represent you, it represents harm that was done to you. It represents energy that fractured into unconsciousness in order to save the rest of you.

So, can Personality Disorders heal? Absolutely. But first you have to become aware of when your PD is not in charge & when it is & develop the wisdom on a daily to know the difference. 

That's my ten pence worth - have at it ;)

Scorpio New Moon & Solar Eclipse ( tomorrow)

 https://www.elephantjournal.com/2019/03/what-the-f-is-a-soul-tie-and-why-should-i-care/

https://cafeastrology.com/events/new-moon-solar-eclipse-on-october-25-2022/

I realised recently that Im not attached to any of my exes, not even slightly, not in a bad way just a cool calm way, a good way…….well it’s been a very long time for sure but I remembered that due to the overwhelming BPD pain of abandonment & awful obsessive preoccupation with the ex when a relationship ended I was super keen to practice cord cutting within quite a short space of time just to reclaim some energy back for myself…. I mean after all, predominantly they were doing pretty well in life post relationship compared to the nervous wreckage I always ended up in…… so I genuinely did not want to be funding their ongoing success with my own energy on any level at all when I needed it so badly myself ….. also periodically I would check for & delete cords, the feeling of attachment to exes on a regular & ongoing basis. 

I think this astrological moment is perfect to do some work on unwanted energetic attachments.

I used to make up my own, being strong on the visualisation front, I would tend to do internal versions of the common external ritual exercises….. personally I’m not big on rituals but you just do what speaks to you.

Can’t Concentrate

I can’t concentrate. I want to share all sorts of things but I can’t concentrate & I’ve got sensory overwhelm  like I’m on the Autistic Spectrum, which is actually a possibility, kind of mild Atypical Autism or something, it’s always been a possibility but with so much already in my nervous system picture it’s kind of ffs, really do I have to go there too wtf.

So ADHD is extremely frustrating on the concentration front when it is, awful. Anyway. Just checking in to say there’s lots I want to say, lots I wish I could say. 💗

Having the Language in Mental health

I just wanted to mention this as it’s so important. Frankly, I believe that not being able to describe your experience is the main reason that people are unable to get the diagnoses & thus the help they deserve. It certainly was in my case.

For example, I had never heard the phrase ‘dissociation’ or really understood the state it referred to until looking into BPD post diagnosis & it leapt off the page as an identifier for a state that I’d regularly been in, unable to function normally, losing many hours to a semi-embodied state…. kind of….. not knowing what the heck it was or why it was or what triggered it or even if my perception of it was in any way real or substantial… that’s a lot isn’t it…But it’s intrinsic to severe states of mental illness, the insubstantiality of insight, the fact that being dissociative will often be accompanied by paranoia which restricts insight even more.

Since learning about Dissociation my experience of it has substantially abated, to the extent that I’d say I’d only expect to have in in very very extreme circumstances, like meeting a hero or having a car crash etc whereas I used to have it randomly in the house when I was alone without any sort of reason or warning it seemed.

Becoming educated to the language descriptors for all of my/your conditions, traits of conditions is probably more accurate for me now, well, is crucial to anyone having problems with their mood regulation or their negativity or managing stress etc as it’s the bridge to beginning to explain & then to getting help.

Another bit of language that was helpful to me was ‘emotional dysregulation’, it’s a brilliant phrase because it removes the woolly edges away from people who talk about mood as if it was just clouds passing by in the sky rather than the big bastard weather fronts of being really ill with BPD or Bipolar. It’s been incredibly helpful to me just to discern where I am in terms of mental wellness, how much bounce my emotions have, how fast I return to okness after an upset.

Very often an over simplified mainstream mental health perspective doesn’t give you the language you need to explain a complicated ongoing situation, you have to study your conditions, bunches of traits definitely count & become your own expert, especially as the NHS is so depleted & underfunded now. Much of the natural mental health, nervous system free resources available on YouTube Etc are profoundly helpful & easy to find. Become your own expert. 

Post Menopause & Exercise - Debra Atkinson

Describing how older people of both genders are often thwarted from their fitness goals when commonly trainers are using work out regimes that are actually designed on research focused on young men at their hormonal early twenties peak. Debra is an fitness & exercise specialist who describes what the post-menopausal body needs to thrive. 

Fit n fitter - I Shouldn't Really Be Here

I’m really quite physically fit, fitter than I’ve ever been amazingly but over 50 I do accept that my tummy is now doing it’s own thing to quite a large degree now…. Unconnected to exercise or calorific intake…. just off in its own apparently…. lol 

No it’s lovely 🥰 I’ve worked really hard to achieve even this & it’s lovely…… Gratuitous bikini pix to you. 

If you’ve suffered severe mental health problems & you make it past 40 you’ve done so amazingly well - the stats are clear…. My imaginary autobiography would be called “I shouldn’t really be here”. If you add up the life years lost to each of my conditions it adds up, using the max stat for each condition to exaggerate for effect…… to almost all of my mad massive 55 years that I’ve achieved

ADHD loses you between 11-13 yrs of life when still active in adulthood, with women disproportionately more likely to die from accident….(that’s very ADD)

BPD = a risk of 15-20 yrs lost and Bipolar 1 can lose you 11-20 from the average life expectancy.

I know that’s a overdramatic way of viewing it but I’ve used it for affect…. The overall average for severe mental illness is about 10 yrs lost….but it’s the quality of life lost thats the real disaster for all mental illness imo…..the suffering, the loneliness, the low self esteem…. that’s what’s really tough…..be kind to yourself for gods sake & practice having your own back for when no one else does. 💜🙌

Who am I well

This is just musing.

I’ve struggled, very much indeed with my mental health pretty much constantly since my early teens - 40 yrs more than…..& now I’ve finally found, grow, cultivated some equilibrium & peace in my nervous system that’s been very hard won but feels very real & very sustainable…. But 

But…now I’ve got to find out, or create, who am I well…..it’s so late in the day to get emotional limbs back, not back, but to grow emotional limbs that function ok, are reliable, somewhat reliable, potentially can be relied upon, to support me in adversity….. I think it’s really understandable that I’m not sure who I am well yet….. 

Hmmm, of course I’m aware that identity issues are an important tenet of BPD but this is different, my life has been long term centred on the mystery of my admittedly rather complex mental/nervous system health picture….. and now I’ve achieved real, clear indisputable progress at long loooong last….. now I need another focus….. obviously there is the maintenance of wellness which with Bipolar 1 also in the mix, is not to be taken lightly & I absolutely do not take it light, but I know how to prevent episodes now, I’ve apparently mastered it. 

It seems I’ve mastered it by self awareness, the insight that I’ve gained from being (somewhat) conscious in episodes plus some quite major lifestyle modifications that I guess others prefer not to make.

The difference between having long term severe mental illness & having a breakdown (*edited)

So I watched this & it got me sparking so I thought I’d share: Trauma, Shame & Being Enough

So Patti & I agree that within all so called Mental Illness is brain & nervous system dysfunction caused by some kind of trauma, a maladaptive response to stress &/or insurmountable stress.

Then I’d like to add Dr Amens thoughts about general anaesthetic, sedation & even local anaesthetic & then also head injury from accident or sports contributing to long term mental illness structurally via direct hardware brain/nervous system injury.

 *Then theres the obvious systemic inflammation from poor diet, food sensitivities & ready irritants like alcohol & drugs both legal & illegal (with exclusions in both those latter categories for some people eg CBD seems especially helpful across the board) confounding the nervous system particularly during childhood & adolescence reeking havoc on susceptible developing physiologies*

But I have the question….. what is the difference between a robust nervous system that can withstand endless insults of a range of types without developing a serious longterm fault or which recovers its prior function relatively swiftly & easily & one that simply does not or cannot.

We used to call it a constitutionally highly strung type because of course, the more sensitive someone is the more likely to spiral into increasing mental illness, that is; nervous system dysfunction, when faced with overwhelming stress or psychological insult. But the nurture aspect is crucial too. Support, genuine unconditional, family, community, friendship support can make or break a nervous system, I have no doubt, just as negative experiences in family or community can condemn us to a worse life. 

Like attracts like, of this i'm sure. My social circles in the past largely ended up with diagnoses or early death from Substance Use Disorders, old world alcoholism & drug addiction, that the vile Right Wing press would still have you believe is a weakness of character & not trying hard enough rather than what it is; the surface expression & attempted suppression of the symptoms of serious Nervous System Dysfunction. The eventual diagnoses or self diagnoses have all been, across the board, the most helpful thing for all of these people.

Patti's Talk I think is a worthy discussion for those who have had a single intense period of breakdown after really being predominantly functional, but it needs to be known that these bouncing back robust types have perhaps not suffered insurmountable psychological or physical adversity without adequate support. 

For those of us with long term ongoing nervous system dysfunction, there is for sure something of use for us in this talk, but id like to see the difference in these 2 groups discussed more frequently & deeply to help us find more answers for all.

NPD & BPD

I’ve had a phenomenal week, nearly a week off social media, really I’m talking about Twitter, where I’m not very social rather I’m informative or hope to be of service informationally. 

The sun has shone & I’ve managed multiple escapes to the sea with a healthy wide range of grandchildren, friends & watersports equipment. My energy, my mood, my self esteem has been great. Absent permanent anxiety my nervous system is clearly healing, finally, about bloody time.

There was a dog fight incident, absolutely not my fault, that prior to working with BPD/ADHD resources, isochonic tones, polyvagal stuff etc would have taken me days to recover from, I recovered in 15 mins just like a normal functional nervous system!

Absolutely brilliant. So very pleased.

I also bounced back from some, what I will call Narcissistic Abuse in pretty smart order during this week too. This is incredible progress for me. Coming back for years & actually decades in the dark with a broken nervous system were my capacity to trust in my thinking & my capacity to process was basically nil for so much of the time, to be able to determine that another party has injured me, unintentionally although through selfish motivations & the classic Narcissistic low empathy for consequences of their actions has been paradoxically, a real boost to my self confidence, self trust & sense of self esteem.

Also doubly paradoxically because had I not risked the interaction I would not have incurred the injury but then I would not have discovered my new improved robust recovery capability! BPD & ADHD have heightened risk of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, which is actually multiplied when comorbid, so this is no small success, not at all. I genuinely feel that this experience has given me hope that I could weather real world relationships with a firmer footing in self reliance & self confidence that I had not expected to achieve without the, for me impossible expense of personal therapy.

Another way of saying that is that I still felt I was much much more fragile than I actually turned out to be under interpersonal pressure, so thank you! I’ve been shielding my nervous system for so long, understandably when the consequences of not used to be a 9 month Bipolar 1 depression plus BPD neurosis & psychosis ugh with literally zero support psychologically, physically or financially…. with actual hinderance from others rather than support … my god I’ve been a resilient bastard…. I really have…. talk about dogged…. a trait I admire in others apparently has been truly under my belt this entire lifetime. 

It’s got me thinking though, because BPD & NPD are both ‘cluster b’ next of kin, like sister & brother….. incredibly 8% of men carry narcissistic traits enough to be considered Narcissistic, it’s like NPD is the male version of BPD in a way…… it’s like those super super sensitive children who aren’t supported to learn healthy emotional regulation &/or are actively emotionally, psychologically, physically or sexually abused, that deep early trauma wounding becomes the basis for the toughened shell of NPD or the skinless wrecked nervous system of BPD….. they are the same kind of untouchable wounds, kind of, but being managed in very different kind of opposing ways.

Narcissists are getting a really bad press atm, online therapists are on their trail & are teaching their victims how to defend themselves in vast numbers atm. But I want to interject 2 things here. 

Everyone has access to a narcissistic state of mind/being because selfishness is just a human trait, the degree to which its balanced with compassion & empathy will dictate the general psych wellness of an individual. The more protection the body/mind decides it needs to survive the more fiercely & densely Narcissism will grow.

And secondly I really object to the amount of 'these people are unhealable' that's going on in the online wellness community. Never forget that until about 15 years ago with Marsha Lineham & DBT arriving, BPD was also deemed completely impossible & unhealable & for the good of all concerned we were locked heavily medicated for decades in Mental Institutions - literally binned as human beings & now the recovery rate is very very good & still growing exponentially.

I do consider that had I been unequivocally forced into certain more oppressive situations in my 20’s I would have either died or managed to mutate into a much more aggressively self seeking self serving narcissistic person in order to survive….. I like to think I would have been able to do that rather than just give up & die, maybe that's bs though but as a thought experiment I’m having it.

So what’s my pondering today, what’s my subject here…..well it’s healing NPD I guess. Being almost the male version of BPD for basic sex difference reasons that speak for themselves….. innate male competitive urge & innate female cooperation urge being a good starting point.

So what’s the sticking point, why do Therapists generally imply that NPD is so much less healable than BPD? Seemingly, the core defence shell of the NPD is made up of, in part, lies & manipulation that is required to maintain the all important Narcissistic Supply that prevents direct experience of the low self image, deep trauma wounds & resulting psyche insecurity that are the roots of NPD. Even Therapists can be manipulated by a convincing habitual liar if the NPD is determined enough.

NPDs have to be committed to dissolving their protective shell made of lies & manipulation as the very first position,  no matter what horror that reveals,  that & forgiving themselves, everyday, & that doesn’t mean it’s ok to wound others, of course not but to become awake to what they thought they were getting by doing the manipulation in the first place….. which is the buffer of Narc supply…. a buffer for the low self image that they’ve lived under for too long.

I’m absolutely convinced this is healable, and that the way is honesty…..  honesty to yourself first & foremost & then to those that matter to you most, even if it’s after the fact, even when you make the old mechanical error of lying, admit it, correct it, every time you can, that's a skill, build it, give yourself that gift, underneath that awful weight of self hatred for being fake is such a profoundly beautiful sensitive child who I simply adore & always will. 

We are in a stunningly psychologically savvy, personal development focused social media world atm where info about traits & diagnoses & attendant evidence based resources are flooding into our deprived consciousnesses initiating awareness, growth & healing. Its all to win, it really is.

💜💜

The Law of the Even Deal

I stumbled across this interesting concept, the Law of the Even Deal on a Buddhist Relationship Counsellors web site….. I think…… or at least that’s where I ended up somehow & I really liked it so I thought I’d share it in case it helps anyone.

Basically, in years of giving couples therapy she discovered that one of the biggest pit falls in relationships was how men & women process receiving differently.

So the concept is that when men receive something in relationship, anything, a kiss, affection, sex, a gift, a meal etc they experience it internally an increased sense of self esteem, self worth, almost like the experience of praise. But women experience receiving these same things as a debt that must be repaid. So women seek to repay what’s given, whereas men, generally only give when they are moved to internally. The counsellor said that 99% of the time in her practice this was the fact.

So this is interesting. What’s the main complaint that women have in relationship? It’s that they feel it’s unbalanced, that they give & give & it’s not reciprocated. Women traditionally build resentment over time about this don’t they, it’s a classic scenario.

I remember making this complaint to a male friend about a boyfriend, he explained to me that when you give & give unconditionally (I know, ‘apparently’ unconditionally) all the other person really knows or learns about you is that you love to give….. rather than ‘look I can give & give, will you also give & give the same….. because I have all these needs’.

My ‘best’, as in least unsuccessful relationship had my partner trying to actually employ me in a range of roles in the real world & as such was the least ‘indebted’ of all my ex’s specifically due to this. Unfortunately, my continued lack of diagnoses conundrum & on going depressions ruined all that but the sentiment was clearly there… bless him…. the only one who tried to get some balance between us….. many were just…. I’m not even going to talk about them actually.

So, the Law of the Even Deal strives for more conscious balance in the give & take of relationships, acknowledging there’s a gender based difference & that not attending to this subtle law is one of the major causes of relationship breakdown.

I guess ultimately, deciding on what exactly constitutes balance in any given relationship is going to be unique & personal to the individuals involved, but I think it’s a very worthwhile area to explore. 

Astrology plus Comedy

Equals….I don’t know…..a very wandering mind….

https://astromatrix.org/Horoscopes/Planet-Aspects/Moon-Square-Mercury

Natal Moon Square Mercury, I have this aspect - I also have Venus Square Moon to add insult to injury….don’t get me started on all my Venus oppositions, that lot alone results in a pretty clear depiction of BPD imho.

If you don’t like or believe in Astrology please just suspend your judgement temporarily for the sake of discursive entertainment & try to appreciate it as a bunch of well meaning Empaths reading the equivalent of feely tealeaves in the star canopy over millennia providing us with an idealogical skeleton which allows us to self directly dabble in a solo person centred therapy lucky dip. 

I like Astrology as a self development tool to dig around & gain insight. Some aspects won’t resonate strongly but when one does resonate with your current experience it can grant you a key to unlock a psychological door which otherwise may be missed. For example I only clocked that I had this aspect when I noticed my favourite person has it & I was looking at how it might play out for them 

I’d say we have an opposite dominance with this aspect (me & thee) I reckon I’d be Mercury dominant in this aspect as I’ve got Mercury in the 1st house of visible self, conjunct Venus in Pisces, I’m Pisces rising & fundamentally 12th house Pisces Sun….. but Gemini Moon makes that a kind of psychic swap shop of energies if I was appraising the positive, due to the mental nature of Gemini & the slippery ephemeral non physical nature of Pisces but I acknowledge the square energy, a blockage, a deflection, not flowing……. It’s my unwillingness to communicate, even just playing around with anything creatively, which being mainly a musician if I had to nail my colours to any professional mast, is pretty crushing.

That was a very dynamic statement wasn’t it. That brings me to that I’ve been wanting to share that I kind of did a reconnaissance mission of *all* my favourite comedians in the spring….. on my own….. i never went to sit down shows before, I always hated being stuck in a seat (ADHD much) I couldn’t afford tickets, never had a working vehicle, no one to go with (adversity much) social phobia, acrophobia, GAD, no support but Ive been building up to it gradually & Isochronic Tones Therapy really helps me.

I did it as an exercise in stoicism & I was great, i was really great, I grew some, I learned stuff, unfortunately I had a childish kind of myopic experience in regards to other people in their pairs in which I was not, & it kind of reinforced for me how difficult pairs are or could be out in the heightened scrutiny of the public zone….. but that’s another story….

I’m deeply attracted to comedy as an transformational art form, although I’m not personally built for doing it, I don’t think, unfortunately. Its Shamanic healing capacity so distinct with its instantaneous affect on neurotransmitters & im sure, brainwave frequency (oh I’d like to find out about that) 

 I’ve heard Eddie Izzard say that the unwritten rule in comedy is that you can only truly mock in good conscience that which you are or that you suffer….. so my potential to explore the myriad, ephemeral realms of Neurodiversity & my own experience of *so very many* Severe Mental Illness’s is a waste of good material tbh with a very well defined self selecting audience. Oh my, dissociation & paranoia jokes incoming…… or are they? 😅😂

Stewart Lee did a brilliant dramatic small section on aggressive intrusive thoughts late on in his Snowflake Tornado show, I loved it but I did not feel that that many members of the audience reacted as if they had direct first hand experience of what he was describing, which I do…. I appreciated that so much. I’ve felt such an outcast with my mental health, I appreciate that inclusion, that exposure so much.

I am deeply struck & moved by Stewart Lee saying on stage “I still don’t know what this is” about his craft as a whole and/or maybe also about his particularly unique & extraordinary version of it. I can really feel that statement, it’s like a moment of merging with the divine by pointing at it but then allowing it to be undefinable, uncontainable, it’s both a tantric comedy moment when he says it & a genuine description of the tantric potential of comedy.

Just as my imaginary music album has a name, and an Astro name at that, see a much earlier post, my imaginary comedy show would be called  “I just wish I’d charged”  see more recent posts 😅😂🤣 oh I’ll give it away 🤭 ….. it’s a Hypersexuality related title there that is….. for those that wonder.

Not all those that wonder remain lost. But those that wander may wonder realistically why not. 

Anyway

Here’s a couple of stolen astro graphics re Moon Square Mercury

Positive Traits of People with BPD

I know this is hard to accept for all the hating on us the world can do but this stuff in this article is to a greater or lesser extent true for very many of us I believe. I hear this idea that BPD is arrested emotional development, that we are emotionally stunted, emotionally immature but its a very specific stuntedness, that description does not completely hold water, I mean in some ways it does, the tantrums, the acting out but its not the whole story, there's something else going on.

Ive been told many many times that I am emotionally intelligent, empathic, in touch with my self & my feelings, conscious of others wants & needs......  I half trained as a Psychotherapist, people said they thought i'd make a genuinely good counsellor......what gives? I don't know.

I see BPD more like a particularly deep ego wounding that healed all up wrong so that it catches fire & goes up in flames when its touched & its so sore you spend your whole life keeping others from touching it..... I don't know.... its a really tough corner.....

Anyway so its nice to see positive things about people with BPD expressed:-

Positive Traits of People with BPD

ADHD, BPD, Bipolar Hypersexuality & Me

Rummaging through ADHD YouTube it springs quite quickly to my attention that there is a distinct correlation between ADHD & 🙄 especially my form, Inattentive ADHD & Hypersexuality. The attentive reader will understand that this now makes all 3 of my mental health conditions especially prone to either bouts of or just plain generalised Hypersexuality. Well this is a bit embarrassing.

Shocked, I tell you…….lol, no, of course I’m not shocked at all. Again, like so much about putting the ADHD piece into my mental health jigsaw, all becomes transparently clear at long last.

For many years I was peripherally concerned & somewhat temporally amused that i seemed to have an almighty sex drive to the degree that, I felt myself to be perhaps somewhat some sort of Nymphomaniac. I never felt guilt or shame about my high libido, although aligned with my impulsivity these was certainly potentially problematic & resulted in some pretty heavy risk taking at times.

Fortunately for me, when out of committed monogamy I was so miserable I could barely leave my bedroom for the most part, partly because my sky high libido was in despair at our loss of mutual remedy. At some point, of course, I would have to go out, against my better judgement usually, to seek another lover & that required being at least in a somewhat better mood or at least stoic & outgoing to some extent, so alcohol would be involved, which I am to all intents & purposes allergic to.

So, yes, Hypersexuality- I’ve read much debate about it’s relative dis-ease status or not & really the discerning factor is the degree to which it damages your life, like any addictive behaviour or substance, if it’s out of control & harms other important areas of your world then it’s a problem you might do well to seek help with.

Ultimately, overall I was not that bad regarding other people. I destroyed one really important formative relationship early on with Hypersexuality induced infidelity with one other person whilst in a bipolar hypermanic episode for which I hated myself for many years - and that’s it. I had one night stands when out of monogamous relationships but overall in relationship I was a very committed lover. And that’s the rub, I was a very committed lover. 😉

I’ve heard BPD women described as Sex Geniuses & Nymphomaniacs & it’s to do with the need to bond deeply & to dedicatedly secure affection to feel some safety against a backdrop of severely low self esteem stemming from all of the deeply unpleasant & difficult traits of BPD. Abandonment is the ultimate BPD terror, so being a love bombing nympomamiac fulfilling the fantasies of a partner was key to ensuring that was kept at bay. But the pendulum swing from intense devotion, deep bonding & unconscious dependency is a mountain of unfulfillable expectation, knee jerk rebellion with anger & disillusionment followed by massive BPD fear & confusion.

So overall, I don’t think I’m that bad, I don’t think I’m a sex addict who would do anything with anyone to get a fix, that’s not me at all & it hasn’t been me throughout my life. I’m not fixated on sex although I would say that on a daily basis fantasy love & sex things do go though my mind regularly albeit quite fleetingly, sometimes several times a day….. I guess like we were told that men think about sex every few minutes, is that a thing? Did they used to say that? If that’s true, that makes every man in a relationship a fantasy infidel probably, as one fantasy partner is going to get boring if you are thinking about it every ten minutes, aren’t you?

That said, I’d say that my crush, there’s only ever one at a time I don’t multi-crush, can float through my mind in a sexual wave, feeling, vibe, visual, or sensory motion several times a day & I think that’s ok….. it’s nice, I’ve been single for a very very long time & I think that’s nice, I get a dopamine surge, sometimes I just get a mental cuddle sometimes briefly more but overall it helps my life..…it helps with managing the isolation that I seem to need & have created for myself in which to dissect & hopefully heal my dis-eases…..it helps buffer my naturally high Libido which I’d say is pretty healthy in spite of my intense combination of conditions. I guess you’d have to say I’ve got it under control……now I have at any rate. That’s probably much easier to say post-menopause though tbf.

Do I need to rake over the historic worst of it? I don’t think so. The main person who got hurt was me. The main person I need to apologise to is me. My early partners came off badly, everyone was confused, I was baffled by myself, my instability was terrifying, epic…..isolation was the only sane action often times. But I can & do apologise to all my early lovers, none of us knew what was wrong with me & there was a lot wrong, I’m sorry it was such a mess for us all. You got off lightly, I had to stay with me…. 

Here’s an aside to the above though. Bipolar Mania Hypersexuality is grim. Like all of the nervous system aberrations of Bipolar……so much nervous system pain, so much physical tension, so much speed, just awful…… the HS aspect is unpleasant but then getting anyone to sleep with you when you’re manic is tricky as it’s really hard to hide how unwell you are…… you are talking nonsense…… real super nonsense not everyday nonsense but the sky is falling nonsense, up is down nonsense, nothing is real nonsense….. with the notable exception of being taken advantage of under the influence of excessive alcohol when I was younger I think I kept pretty clear of the worst possibility’s due to being somewhat introverted by nature.

Ive not drank in 15 years now, thankfully, & I think that alcohol is the most heinous of drugs for any form of mental illness. To remove inhibitions from an already disinhibited person with BPD or Bipolar mania or hypomania is a disaster. It’s brain inflammatory. It’s horrible. And most with mental, that is brain based & nervous system dysfunction cannot physically cope with it imo. And it’s a cultural precursor to disinhibited social as well as sexual interaction for many well people, but I feel that ‘problems’ with alcohol are a ready indicator of undiagnosed mental illness & for those with particular conditions & traits, it’s an incredibly dangerous & life threatening drug.

Extensive Library of Articles on Red Light & Near Infared Therapy

Credit where it’s due - this is a truly extensive library of information about RLT & NIR Therapy & it’s positive potential across the board health wise. Due to its health giving impact at the cellular level, literally every system in the body can benefit. Wonderful.

https://platinumtherapylights.com/blogs/news

Article Summing up Benefits of Red Light NIR Therapy

 https://platinumtherapylights.com/blogs/news/brain-light-therapy

Here is a really thorough review of the benefits of Red Light Therapy particularly regarding brain health but bear in mind that these guys make devices so it leans a bit towards sales speak & somewhat glorified interpretations of research but skimming through I cannot argue with it much except that, as with most natural therapies, getting proper extensive research done is nigh impossible if it’s going to detract from Big Pharma profit & if you read the possible list of benefits, like natural Progesterone- some unpatentable things just help too many lucrative conditions.

Also, as I said, Sunlight is the real healer. Warmth & Light from the Sun, if your climate & emotional psychological disposition permits, otherwise this therapy might help you get out there. 

My Current Isochronic Tones Playlist

So all the credit here goes to Jason Lewis, the man behind the music of ‘Mend Amend’ - find a massive catalog free to use on YouTube with beautiful graphics or stream on all the usual streaming services. Obviously there are others but currently, for me, MindAmend has it all. Here is his entirely extraordinary YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/c/MindAmend & here is his Website for purchases https://www.mindamend.com/

My god these things have become the love of my life, yes there are times when they don’t help but actually they are few & far between- the relief is still mostly whilst I’m using them but I feel that this will be gradually accumulative & as is the main rational behind some medication I am convinced that time spent being well & functional encourages further stabilisation of & establishment of those brain states of being well & functional. Just as time spent being unsupported in mental disorganisation &/or emotionally dsyregulated reinforces that. Anxiety, generally speaking still down to a decent 1/2 out of 10 from a previous daily without trigger 7/8 out if 10 - if this is the only change I’d still think it’s a wonder but I know there is much much more to gain.

I’m using the Schumann Resonance ones a lot - this is the speed of the Earths own frequency on the borderline of calm Theta to ‘work a day’ Alpha at 7.83hz - SR is my go to calm but alert tone & it totally enhances time spent in nature, deepening the sense of connection & experiential involvement as part of nature. My home base tone.

When I wake up too early & get unwanted premature surges of cortisol I go to Theta around 5.5hz & if I don’t get back to sleep at least I am not being tortured by cortisol induced pain & panic type thinking - so that’s a huge win, a huge asset to better sleep or at least a meditative calm alternative.

I have come to rely on the Complex Tasks isochronic tones sets, wait for it……...to cope with doing the dishes & making lunch 🤣……yes……tasks that many take for granted have always brought anxiety creating disorganisation & stress for me…… it’s so embarrassing but once I begin something like this my brain shoots off in 10 other directions & it takes a massive amount of patience & self forgiveness to complete this basic task without starting to glue up my wellies or organise the recycling after I’ve put the eggs on….. 

Finally, an honourable mention to the ADD/ADHD Intense Relief tones where he essentially de-emotionsalises the brain by speeding up the rational left brain higher than the creative/emotional right side - I think it’s like brain gym, like practicing rationality from a purely mechanical, anatomical, functional direction. I think it’s wonderful & these ones can bring me out of a funk sometimes. Usually being in nature with Schumann Resonance is the way to go for low mood though.

I achieved some, for me extremely complex tasks to do with music technology reasonably sensibly with the help of one of the Peak Focus tone sets. Jason has even inspired me to go electric as a previously confirmed acoustic musician….. I now have a Synth, prepped an Isochronic tone backing track of my own & opened GarageBand for the first time in 15 yrs…. 😄 - wires, leads, I dealt with those at length without a panic attack. I call that a real win. 😅

Red Light Therapy plus Therapy

The current trend in Anti-Aging Red Light & Near Infared Therapy devices got me curious about its cell metabolism increasing capacity in the brain & sure enough the research throws up that trials for PTSD & TBI have shows some benefits. Also for Fibromyalgia for my daughter, which slows metabolism prematurely, a bit like aging too soon….. Anyhow, I’ve been working with a red light nir box for a few weeks now & I love it & I think combined with the insight building of psychotherapy/talk therapy of your choice, I feel the combination would be a real winner in natural treatment of severe mental illnesses.

The query I get is, in what way is this not just a remedy for not enough sunlight…… I’ve loved my light box during grey rainy UK May & it cheers me up & gets me going when it’s chilly but I fail to see how in a warmer climate this would be needed unless the person refuses or is otherwise unable to leave the house, then this could help mimic the sun on your head, stimulating increased cellular atp activity & increasing cell metabolism etc.

I get it for anti aging, in a way, as full spectrum sun is perceived as very aging but surely with sunblock & covering up etc you would still absorb lots of NIR as well as FIR light through your clothes producing the same healthy cellular stimulation. That’s my only query.

So anyway, I love my box & all the benefits I’ve felt from using it so far & yes my skin on my face looks fab imho, definitely enough change there to keep me interested but it’s the affect on my body that’s so fantastic- I feel more energetic, more toned, more enlivened & more positive since using the light box.

My one is not a huge box, it’s a 300w tilting unit by a company called Helios that I rotate body parts towards in the bathroom in the morning, especially sore muscles - I totally recommend this therapy device or a bigger one for people stuck in the house with mental illness or in the more light deprived countries. It’s extremely bright, brighter than the face mask types which cost twice the price for a third of the power per cm2 at a foot away. I wear eye protection or exercise great caution with it as it can cause a painful glare sensation.

A word of warning, I have to say this, just like sunshine, it significantly increases hormonal activity throughout your endocrine system indeed some users use it for this Testosterone boosting, sexual dysfunction restorative capacity - it also increases Melatonin too which is your sleep hormone & a master antioxidant & anti inflammatory agent. I love it but having struggled with Hypersexuality as many BPD & Bipolar people do as part of their illness I am enormously careful with it…… but it’s marvellous 😄🤭😉

Loss of faith in my thoughts (plus)

It’s understandable that after a period of time being wonky/ BPD episode is a good descriptor, that I have this reluctance to share anything. That last piece was going to be a sentence & some photos but I went stream of consciousness about beauty & then kept remembering fragments I had wanted to say. I’ve been watching TEDTalks about ADHD which has been really nice, it’s the most socially acceptable bit of my diagnoses I think, yet it is definitely really difficult to live with. I can forget what I’m thinking before I’ve even finished cognitising the thought, it feels like thoughts disappear into the ether, tracelessly, just leaving the frustrating sensation that I’ve just forgotten something important. 

I saw Dylan Moran on his recent ‘We Got This’ tour & he talked about losing memory & forgetting more as he’s got older, he’s talked of it before I think, he described it beautifully of course, “ don’t worry if you forget things your thinking about, there will always be more” he said dryly. Dylan strikes me as a potential ADHDer - he’s definitely got something wide of the norm going on there - he was drinking again on stage which I was surprised at, & he spoke of how he’d mastered sobriety, so he could drink again …..but then if you can handle it, & most with mental illness must have to say that they cannot, alcohol is a deliverer of the important relaxant neurotransmitter GABA to the blood stream…… I have other less addictive, less inflammatory ways of doing that myself.

So, organising my thoughts, creative ideas, to do list is/has always been a real struggle for me. I’ve actually done some major, long overdue house organising since I’ve been using Isochronic Tones…. Some areas of the house had been moved around whilst I was very brain damaged post high & things like my passport recently surfaced, outside in the porch in an amusing bag of mixed historical items….. that’s typical of the confused brain state of post high. 

How can I know that my disorganisation is ADHD not just brain damage from Bipolar episodes? 

Well, that’s why it’s taken so very long to get here. It’s the internal sense that I’ve reached ‘my normal’, my best functioning state, again, after a very long time being much less functional than that & then discovering anew that that ‘best’ state, as I perceive it, is indeed really bloody difficult in itself & has all the hallmarks of inattentive ADHD all over it. To be honest, it was remembering starting secondary school & how being baffled became my main mental, emotional state & what I now know are ADHD traits from then, from a time clearly pre Bipolar.

I just didn’t know why I was so frustrated & scatterbrained before….. and I was dealing with ridiculously long deep depressions & then hyposmanias that both scrambled my brain further….. never mind the BPD traits, how the fuck can you describe that, it’s like layers of dysfunction on dysfunction that somehow nobody else around me was taking seriously.

Maybe I had quite quiet BPD, certainly, in relationship, the main battleground of BPD, I’d be likely to just go into a deep depression at the depth of my difficulty, reactivity & defeatedness once the ever loving, intense, I guess love bombing? hypersexual bonding early stages faded & hot & cold, yes I did that definitely, “ you are perfect/ I hate you” that’s very BPD & I hated it, I commonly felt entirely defeated by relationships, my total instability & thus reliance of this person who I equally experienced as an enemy or as a friend. And yet the loss of, perceived loss of or abandonment by this person was like being killed, every time, slain, hopelessly destroyed & hating them all the more for having that monumental power over me. Excruciating yet unable to sensibly get away until they forced it. Quite rightly. “But you are not getting better” he said. I wasn’t, I was getting worse, the stress of hateful dependency on someone with no intention or interest in meeting any of my needs as a single mum with kids, on benefits, so at sea, so directionless, yet so loving, so kind, so accepting but so confused, endlessly confused, endlessly sorry for having a reaction, so jealous, so possessive, so lonely, so scared of a big bipolar episode then oblivious when one started.

It’s so hard not to attribute blame to people around me but I can see clearly now that about half of those around me, those who continually normalised my suicidal ideation, my hypersexuality, my binge drinking where also undiagnosed severe mentally ill & the other half were, due to their own energetic deficits were taking advantage of my intense vulnerability to feel better about themselves. Of course I attracted Narcissists, all vulnerable people attract NPD types who coldly take what they want & damn the cost to anyone else.

I’ve ranted, I’ll stop 🤔🤗🙂☺️ (if I repeat myself, I guess I do, then forgive me, I guess I’m using my blog as therapy…. So wtv)

PS

Ah, I just want to add a note about Narcissists & NPD here. Similarly to BPD, the popular preconception of these is really so bad & probably justifiably to a point but not all of us with these conditions are wilfully aiming to harm, in fact I’d say most are not aiming to harm. There is a big overlap between NPD & BPD, as much as 40% BPD have narcissistic traits I believe. Am I in that? You tell me, you are as likely to know from perceiving me from outside as I am from in here with all these perceptual aberrations. I think not, personally, I’m too much of a martyr I think….. but contrary to the popular position I think hating on us with these misunderstood conditions is vile. It is thought to be even more painful to be Narcissistic than it is to have BPD, so that’s saying something. Have compassion….remove yourself to safety but have compassion. Anyone that seeks help should be encouraged & supported, these illnesses are entirely life-destroying if allowed to be. Have hope if you have such yourself, you have my deepest sympathy, stay vigilant but have hope. 💗

ive got lots to blog

 & lots of good things to share but im all backed up on my inner hard drive - so here have some vanity selfies from today instead 💗💜💚 im a bit too old to get vain really but it goes to show it can happen to anyone, I spent most of my adult life unable to find a hairbrush & avoiding mirrors & photos….. but then we are living in the Age of Vanity, of beauty/image worship/fetishism aren’t we…..I think we are, more than ever before, I suppose, with the onus now on the individual now able to compete to some extent with Hollywood standards of beauty that 50 yrs ago most would have happily experienced as unattainable.  No market in unattainable though is there….. 

I think I just spend too much time on my own & im the most interesting thing in my environment - but no, I do get pleasure out of make-up, its such an easy self expression even when im blocked up in other ways. I’ve been in a BPD episode for a few days I think, its been building for a while before that, I should make the effort to describe it better, I know, & its so much clearer to perceive & assess without the backdrop of permanent anxiety. What I will say though, is just how deeply & keenly it alters my perception of the world, just completely 100% different; that social phobia with paranoia, almost psychosis in perception, its only because im largely under no stress in my life, or none I cannot duck out of anyway, that I can see it for what it is so clearly. I would have to withdraw from any sort of busy environment. Fortunately, Im able to spend a lot of time in Nature which is so forgiving of those perceptions. Distortion, majorly distorted perception with foggy thinking & lostness, so very very uncomfortable. I had started not being able to tweet my opinions on Twitter, again, I’d write a reply then delete it in doubt & confusion. I’d freeze. This seems to have been a much milder episode & shorter than other ones I’ve spoken about on here but still really horrible.

Im still getting *lots* of help & relief from my Isochronic tones but I could dearly do with help from a therapist (even Samaritans?) for my BPD core trigger stuff.

Ive been making voice notes on my phone to try to help me to remember things I want to share, I have such an abysmal time trying to organise myself, my thoughts & ideas etc & I do have a lot of them ( thx god I have made the ADHD connection 🙄 though) & I did a whole 5 minutes about loneliness & mental illness which Id like to share - - - we'll see - lots of love

My Boys are 12

 My Boys are 12 today 

Working out with the boys that I’ve been single for nearly 12 years….. 😅

I may have retired tbh bar canines, though smaller saner female canines are in my future me thinks

Still the boys have been epic, dangerous, precocious, impossible, relentless, unpredictable, reckless, tiring, lots of fun, crazy, emotional, difficult, cuddly, consolation & then some 💗♥️💜💗♥️💜 we were made for each other 

ADHD as a Disorder of Self Regulation & Executive Function (Dr Russell Barkley)

 

Oh my this is fascinating & really explanatory but I’m sorry Dr B I’m going to issue my own counter to your pro pharmaceutical message. If stimulant medicine helps normalise executive function in ADHD then using natural alternatives as needed will work just as well with less problems/less insult to the body imho, this is just how it works. Pharma, to make profits has to make patents, natural molecules are unpatentable so generate no interest or research from Pharma Corps. If Pharma can make it nature has been there already & it will be much much cheaper without shareholder dividends. 

I’m just updating with a comment about sugar. Dr’s comment about sugar on this I believe is rather unhelpful. I’m bigly anti-sugar generally but the less refined the better obviously, some of those mineral rich raw cane juice sugars are ok, I’m big honey head, since my teens, it’s my main carb I think embarrassingly…. 😊😋 real raw single hive honey preferably. 

So that said -  brilliant insightful short video that describes the ADHD inability to act. “You can know stuff, but you won’t do stuff” - so helpful to have this described so clearly 🙏

The Not Evidence Basedness of soooo much Mainstream Science

 

This is so superb in so many ways - it sums up the conflicts of interest & general untrustworthiness of Big Pharma that’s had me avoid pharmaceuticals myself for 4 decades. I absolutely do not think I would be here today had I dabbled with the mainstream suggestions for all my extensive 3 syndrome deep mental health problems.

The contraindications for Bipolar & ADHD & the medications recommended for each would have been a disaster. I was regularly offered SSRI’s which i refused as I was instinctively terrified of them for good reason as they would have triggered a Bipolar High with likely hospitalisation *at best*. 

I was so suicidally depressed that the risk of worsening, or the risk of worse rage would have been fatal, that’s how perilous my position felt. I’d read about suicides who had recently started or stopped SSRI’s & it was not worth the risk. As I say, for a person with Bipolar SSRI’s usually means psychosis & hospitalisation so….no. The fact that this stoic refusal is essentially why I went undiagnosed & unsupported for so long is absolutely criminal imho.

Love Russell - it’s so deeply heartening to see this level of exposure of corruption reach such a big audience - awesomeness 🤓😎

Binaural Beats Cooler Cousin - Isochronic Tones- Binaural Beats Geek Article

https://www.binauralbeatsgeek.com/isochronic-tones/

Another Excellent Article 

Here’s the introduction- EXTRACT 

“”

Isochronic Tones: The Beginner's Guide

Isochronic Tones are the newest kids on the block in the world of brain wave entrainment. They can help you to deeply meditate, relax, feel awesome and expand your consciousness - quickly

.

Binaural beats have been around for decades. Single toned isochronics are fresh off the street! I've been using them intensely for 4 months and the results are *very* promising. I'm experiencing stronger, faster and more enjoyable effects than with binaurals.

A year ago no one had heard of isochronic tones, and now everyone and their grandmother are calling them everything from the "strongest BWE technology ever" to (my favourite) "binaural beats on steroids".

This article will:

-introduce you to binaural beats' cooler cousin
-explain the differences between the two
-detail the benefits you will get from using isochronics
-help you make your mind up whether to try them out
-and point you in the right direction.

A Quick Recap

In case you're new here (welcome!), I'll do a 10 second roundup:

Isochronic tones are a form of brain wave entrainment. This means that you use isochronic tones as a way to entrain your brain waves (which means to have them all working in the same way, for example slowed down to the slow, low levels of alpha brain waves).

The benefits of this are varied – you can expect anything from a sense of deep relaxation and peace; to increased happiness and creativity; to vivid visualizations and *big* ideas. 

They are lots of fun, totally rejuvenating and don't require much skill to use (i.e. lay down and put headphones in. If you can manage that, you're on your way.

Oh, if you're lucky (or practice) you'll also soon be reaching a state of hemispheric or brainwave synchronization. This is what Zen meditators struggle to achieve for years, and perhaps is best described as a sense of 'total connectedness with the universe'. It's pretty hard to describe, but it feels pretty awesome and kind of awe-inspiring at times. 

(Read this article for *all* the juicy details on this "peak performance" state)

There has been lots of research and studies done which show that binaural beats and other forms of brain wave entrainment (BWE) increase the production of 'good' chemicals in the body, reduce the output of 'bad' chemicals, decrease anxiety, increase well-being and lots more. If you haven't had a look at this binaural beats research I'd highly recommend you check it out.

These are some of the main reasons that people like to use binaural beats and other forms of BWE. Now we'll look at what makes isochronics unique.

Brainwave Entrainment for Mood, Concentration, Anxiety etc

 https://www.mindamend.com/brainwave-entrainment/isochronic-tones/

Here’s an Extract from this extensive article “”

Isochronic Tones – How They Work, the Benefits and the Research

136 Comments / Brainwave Entrainment / By Jason Lewis

Isochronic tones are a fast and effective audio-based way to stimulate your brain.  Among many of the benefits, they can help improve focus, relaxation, energy levels, sleep and more, without taking drugs or needing any special equipment.

What isochronic tones essentially do, is guide your dominant brainwave activity to a different frequency while you are listening to them, allowing you to influence and change your mental state and how you feel.

The effects can be felt within a few minutes and all you literally have to do is click play and listen.

What You Need to Know About Isochronic Tones

You may have heard of binaural beats which are similar, but an older method of stimulating your brain.  In this in-depth article you will discover:

• The key benefits of isochronic tones and how they work
• How isochronic tones are different and more effective than binaural beats
• How different tone/beat frequencies affect your mental state and the way you feel
• What frequencies do what, and what to look out for
• Are isochronic tones as effective when combined with music?
• How to use isochronic tones effectively and how long the effects last for
• Any potential safety concerns or side effects
• Isochronic tones and binaural beats research and where to find it

Hmmm Iso (less chronic) Tones

(Some big successes as well actually, see below) Small personal success, I’ve got the paddle board on the van on soft bars on my own….. this means I can take the kayak on the van if I get help loading & unloading…. For some reason I thought the van roof was somehow concave or convex or wtv in my mind….. it’s not, it’s flat…..duh…. (It is curved inside though …. Lol) So pleased - essentially I can take both water vehicles out on same trip too, again with help loading…. So exciting! 

I’ve definitely had & am having progress with my overall mental health, it seems to be from the Isochronic Tones, I’m definitely less emotionally reactive (from BPD) over small things which is awesome …. & also I’ve been doing what I call practical technical things that I find really hard to focus on (from ADD) finding some of these things somewhat easier to do so woo 😄 hula hula 🥰

And that’s not even the biggest winner, I credit Isochronic Tones (plus some other Binaural Beats, ADHD specific ones) with a whopping reduction in anxiety from always being more than 6/7 out of 10 to having a baseline 0/2 out of 10 most of the time with also considerably less of an excruciating stress rise when I’m triggered…. To say I’m delighted does not cover it….I’ve suffered constant painful anxiety for years, decades….the longest time.

 I found this comment about ADHD anxiety being different from Anxiety Disorders, having different underpinings….Hopefully I will properly research the difference between GAD & ADHD Anxiety at some point but for now this comment rings true.

Also I’ve dropped my anti-anxiety herb Skullcap & replaced with some ADHD herbs which have different actions in the brain/nervous system (Bacopa & Gingko) so I will include them as being part of this positive shift that I’m in.

The research on Binaural Beats & Iso Tones does not recommend it for those with Severe Mental Illness, that’s a disclaimer that you can take that with a pinch of salt if you’ve ever been screwed around with by mainstream medicine for MH reasons & suffered, which is nearly everyone & if you are ready to take responsibility for being conscious of trusting your perception of how things affect you then this is absolutely for you. 

All natural alternative health things have the bare minimum of research because the big money for research is tied up with big profit pharmaceuticals. But you knew that. 

My New Fav Binaural Beat Video is really Isochronic Tones (oh yes it is)

 Oh I dig this one soooooo much I can’t take it off…..

I can’t copy & paste the video bio but it’s definitely well worth reading if you click through & watch it on YouTube.

Also I wanted to mention the one I liked the Deep Delta with Alpha Binaural Beats one with the ADHD warning very quickly became annoyingly slow! And the 14hz ADHD relief one was & still is really really helpful 😊🥰

New Lipstick (shallow I know) Neurodiversity (in at the deep end)

 

New Mad Lipstick - I can’t get any more of my absolute favourite MAC lipstick 4eva as it’s discontinued, in fact I’ve bought 2 on EBay that were definitely not genuine & smell like heavy metals (to me, I’m pretty sensitive to smells) so I sent them back but I found this dupe for MAC 4eva by a much cheaper brand called NYX I think…. It’s 4£ & smells good n harmless & it’s close enough, though I like to add a little Matte Royal by MAC which is strong matt blue just because…. 🙌💜

Also trying the lip colour with head bands colours - I’m unnaturally attached to my headphones aren’t I, my surrogate something. 🥰🤔♥️

When I said earlier my “long suspected neurodiversity” I thought that may have been confusing, I’ve always felt like an unusual thinker, for the longest time, I was into Yoko Ono as 11…. I was unusual…. But I never suspected ADHD, not seriously. Also, I don’t see BPD & Bipolar as being Neurodiverse, though I bet some people do, I see them as straight up damage to the nervous system & emotional regulation structures of the brain……I see them as damage, repairable damage. I questioned GP etc re ADHD since 2015 because post high that year the inability to concentrate, short term memory was abysmal, & it’s taken me ages to get back to something workable tbh….. and then that repair has left me with more or less the original state of more subtle Inattentive ADHD that I reckon I had as a child before the BPD element took over & doubled up on extreme things….. & then the Bipolar with longer & longer depressions etc etc…. So yes, it’s good, really good to have made this progress in diagnosis (self diagnosis ADHD) & I’ve been doing lots of ADHD repair work & I feel very positive about where this all will take me….. 😊