BPD & Negative Fantasy

So I went back to try to find out where I’d picked up the oh so helpful phrase “negative fantasy” & there’s not very much out there, I can only assume it was a phrase that Dr Fox used in passing in one of his videos to describe BPD obsessive worry particularly regarding the special person relationship and that whole potential trigger fest.

Not wanting to spook the shift I’ve just made since writing that last blog post but the insight that extreme worry is essentially negative fantasy (and a common BPD compulsion and preoccupation) does seem to have helped me move, so far, so good. It’s a empowering concept that there a choice, that it’s something you are choosing to spend time doing, like positive fantasy is. Of course compulsions don’t have much choice attached by their essential nature but maybe a chink of insight is a way out on this occasion. I hope so.

Its definitely trigger based, there was a rapid fire group of triggers a month ago that I felt couldn’t defend myself from, the pain was like being burnt alive, my nervous system seems to melt, I even got my weird skin pain that I call dysesthesia….  which started after my big Bipolar 1 high in 2016……no it was during the high there were so many weird nervous system sensations during the high that went chronic in the crash.

Anyway, once I was in permanent severe emotional pain resisting a compulsive was not even in the room never mind on the table. In between bouts of pain there is a kind of sorrow & disappointment in myself that I’m wasting my time suffering so badly for no real reason or point when I should absolutely know better…… which paradoxically makes me suffer just enough to fall back down. I should have had help, like in the way AA people look after each other, I should have a BPD mate who knows what’s happening.

If you don’t know what’s happening it just looks like depression but it’s not depression it’s agitated, absolute high anxiety, low mood & yes that famous bpd phrase, frantic efforts to avoid perceived abandonment that are actually the exact opposite. Its a bit like running into a flaming building to avoid a downpour.

Lol 

I can laugh now… which is great.

New insight has reduced overall anxiety levels which is nice but my general sense of confusion and lostness persists.  

My BPD Catch 22

Observant readers will have realised, before I did probably, that the crushing contradiction that is my fundamental mammalian need for some sort of regular social interaction versus my any sort of pair bond hypersensitivity that I talked about last post, will likely result in spontaneous combustion, confusion & probably some sort of concussion to be fair lol. Further, my very unBPD like success of  mastering being alone has resulted in an exaggerated need to actively exclude all others or have to face the internal terrorism of a potential juxtapositioned avalanche of unworthiness, abandonment & emptiness. Yes, I guess I’ve located my missing famous BPD symptom of emptiness - it exists in relationship to the outside world of people not within my home base dog pack or on dog walks where I am central and I am valid. I am just not valid in society. I do no real world work that is considered of value to others & I am not able to be put in a good light by reference to others when I always stand alone.

Without a special person in my life who cares about me particularly, I feel like I barely exist at all in relation to society, the world of people. Thats a false triggered state of course, I know it’s not real…..l suffer a deep sense of emptiness or my feeling of being invisible or unwanted clings to my soul when undergoing forced public social scenarios. Ironically I used my positive fantasies about my current crush to enable my breaking out of my social phobia agoraphobia and attending 2 public events in the autumn….. the same crush that negative fantasies about have triggered a tsunami of grief & fear & abandonment states for the holiday period….historically a time I would likely get abandoned by family or boyfriends due to stress related bad behaviour or mood dysphoria.

In my 2 longer relationships, let’s call them N & C, pre 2004, both resulted in me entirely losing my sense of self, any independent direction I may have entered with, any faith in my capacity to self regulate my emotions. Knowing that now, after the fact, this was classic BPD playing out but the harm that it did to all involved was abysmal. 

These internal pressures triggered bipolar episodes at both poles in both of these relationships, which were not seen as such but as further undeserved bad behaviour. My love, devotion, then identity dissolution caused my complete dependence on the other person. Not that either of them where in any way available for anything other than sex, they were really not. Understandably, in the world of men, an emotionally dysphoric but hot young single mother with no self esteem is really cheap thrills if you can somehow learn to withstand the barrages.

I don’t know where I’m going here now, with this, I think I’m just venting. I avoid thinking/talking about those 2 relationships as they were both so formative but in a really really negative way. Both guys were older than me, both were heavily into ‘it’s the ego that’s the problem’ new age philosophies that further confused and stressed me as my sense of self completely disappeared with absolutely no beneficial effects whatsoever. 

It has been really helpful to find that the essentially trauma based BPD package comes with a hard to maintain, deeply fractured & unhealthily externally malleable sense of self & that repairing that & defending that is more helpful than any pretence at being without ego or desire & all that new age jazz.

X still just venting - thankyou for reading 

Postscript post dog walk

Just thought to add that I don’t have the weird unhealthy I don’t exist thing in the face of nature herself …. It’s purely in the face of other humans & I’d say more than one…. So not one to one but certainly facing a couple or group I feel these weird things…. So it’s status…. Being a bit out of the box in many ways it’s funny to discover that I am still under the auspices of such an alien concept as status but there you have it, my unconscious mind was unable to defeat what my conscious saw through at an early age to be largely illusory. 

Oh damn I guess that’s why I’ve got so interested in my looks as I lose them mid-50’s - it s one of the big social status things isn’t it. Christ, I’ve never really thought about any of this for years…..Ive always felt it, status, was just all bollox…..I guess in a purely mammalian sense it ‘literally’ is…. 😂 bollox and bank balances….. whereas in nature, in the moment your only status is are you breathing, are you warm enough and can you walk….I know that’s very short term status evaluation but it’s how my funny feelly mind works.

So I’m left with feeling that I wouldn’t want to be higher status than anyone else because we are all fundamentally equal in my honest opinion wtv our output. Whist I have to admit that being mentally ill at 55 with no partner or job is as low status as you can get in this society, I guess. Hmmm so yer.

Perhaps I get to buffer that internally coz I’m quite bright….well when I’m not too ill I am.

BPD as Relationship Allergy

It is! It’s also the thought of relationship allergy & in my case it’s the Uber extreme thought of having any sort of close friend or pair bond allergy….. 

I would do anything not to suffer from a friendship allergy or perhaps hypersensitivity is a better word.

In between episodes there’s these golden, gliding periods of time, when I think an episode has managed to burn itself out or something or I’ve achieved an effective strong enough distraction or I’ve managed to trick my brain chemistry with the right endorphin boosting supplement or activity and in those golden pain free times my mind works properly again & I realise that this is the normal functioning state for a human being, this is an appropriate state from which to go into the world, with this unhindered brain & warm soft buffered nervous system, not the raw nerve state that I’m usually having to face the world with.

Just venting x

BPD Webs

I was looking for a description of a BPD episode because I’m struggling to be able to put into words what’s happening, has been happening to me since mid December. I’m not well, not been well, and whilst I’m grateful that my Bipolar is not affecting me, in some ways this is worse. And so unfair. All I have is a crush, that’s all, a big crush I guess you’d say & the cost of that crush is this pain. I don’t know how to move. It just hurts too much. I am attempting to get some extra help. Please be kind and patient with people with BPD. It’s truly a fucking disaster for any person to suffer with this mega magnified broken nervous system package of emotional dysfunction. Please try to be gentle with us, it’s not our fault.

I tried to find an image that represents the type of pain that I suffer, Audrey does well describing the mental anguish on this page https://www.bpdbeautiful.com/bpd-symptoms-bpd-episode-what-bpd/ 

The image that I find fits for me is kind of hell or Dante’s inferno. It’s not all the time but it’s episodes, bouts of mental anguish with searing emotional but yet truly physical pain, like I’m burning. 

So  anyway, whilst I’m struggling for words I just found this lovely lovely website…. With someone more freely expressing about BPD

Here is a short extract on how difficult BPD is in Audrey’s words from her website at BPDBeautiful.com

Borderline Personality Disorder is Serious

If you know someone with BPD or suspect someone you know has BPD—please remember borderline personality disorder is real. It’s a serious condition and not something to be mocked, stigmatized or brushed off. Up to 10% of BPD patients will die by suicide. So if your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, family member or friend with BPD threatens suicide or openly idealizes it, take. them. seriously.
(See BPD / DBT Resources on the Start Here page)

The person you know with BPD is struggling more than you can imagine. They may put on a tough, emotionless face or be completely hysterical. They may say outlandish or abusive things, or they may be abusive (which is never okay – BPD is no excuse) and have fits of rage. They may go to extreme measures to ensure themselves of your love and support or to prevent you from going out with friends. 

Their behaviour will appear completely irrational. But there’s more going on inside than meets the eye.

BPD makes you feel a life-or-death sense of urgency to prevent an abandonment (real or imagined). It screams in your ear and convinces you that people you cherish deeply will leave you, no matter what. It convinces you that people who love you, don’t love you and never did. BPD makes you feel deep rooted shame and absolute terror over everyday life situations. Situations that other people don’t bat an eye at. Which makes you feel misunderstood, discarded and left to rot.

But do you know what the worst part of BPD is? It’s when you’ve pushed your loved one past their limit, with your rage and embarrassing behaviour—all due to these overwhelming fears your brain tricks you into believing. Because when that person’s limit is pushed to its fullest they really do leave. This is one thing I can confidently say is something I’ve seen happen to everyone I’ve met with BPD.

BPD makes you your own worst enemy. It’s a horrible mental hell. And it makes keeping friendships & relationships even harder than usual.

And that’s why it’s so important to seek treatment. Recovery is possible and the rate of recovery is higher than most realise.

2 Russell Brand videos that I think are game changers

 

This is from 2 years ago “Ceremony, Relationships & Communal Living” - Russell Brand talking to shaman Wendy Mandy, to be fair the first half was the best bit but with lots of loose threads that I would have loved to have heard unravelled - the second half ended up being predominantly about psychological healing with powerful natural psychoactive substances, which I’m less keen on with my very fragile nervous system, particularly when certain very simple lifestyle/dietary changes/supplements can be so transformative. 

Also, I’ve been peripheral to the use of very many of these psychoactive substances mentioned in the second half, in friends that are essentially undiagnosed severely mentally ill & despite many many safeguards, extensive knowledge & proper supervision the desired effects of psyche repair did not take place in this population, in fact I’ve seen people worsen with these substances. But, that said, I do still believe they have an important place in healing, as does the now becoming mainstream medicinal use of ketamine, MDMA & even LSD in psyche repair….. & better compared to most of the mainstream psyche drugs available which I would not touch with a barge pole personally. 

I love & get huge benefits from my (citations in the sidebar) DL Phenylalanine powder, which is an individual amino acid that has specific beneficial effects on the nervous system, also my N-Acetyl Cysteine powder and my pure GABA powder. This summer I have been back on Kava Kava in the evening to get my cortisol under control which is fab & I’ve been using CBD oil by mouth too for a month which is lovely but too expensive to come to rely on. I also take masses of B vitamins, Vit C & high EPA fish oil every day (plus D & K2 & E for being old). I cannot eat refined sugar period & alcohol would have me hospitalised in no time…..just sayin….. 15 years sober otherwise I would have died…….& I have to be in nature twice a day whatever the weather…. it’s a bit austere but it works, being inside cut off for the sky & the Earth can be majorly depressive.

One last thing….. she’s got to me, Wendy, she’s reminding me of things I knew and since finding this video the other day I’ve stopped using my headphones in nature to reconnect my consciousness with the consciousness surrounding me in my local area & it’s been so so helpful & grounding….. there was a reason I started using headphones, I was trying to protect my nervous system from my own bark reactive dogs & as a way to avoid other people but it’s made me increasingly orphaned in my sense of place so I’ve stopped using them. I will still take them out though, they’re my favourite body armour. 😍

This video is not intended to make anyone on meds do anything rash, it is a very general video which is extremely powerful in its capacity to somewhat humorously explain the intense predicament we are in with “science” - love it…..thank you so much Russell 💜