Well, I feel really mean…..

Well, I feel really mean leaving that intimate account where I did. In trying to protect the person’s identity, by giving less detail, I just made him look worse than he deserved….. so I can either take it off that bit or add more data.

We were a right couple of freaks, we really were very out of the box & experimental. We did experiment with drugs but it was pretty mild & innocuous. We both had terrific childhood trauma that we couldn’t work through. I was incredibly unstable & volatile throughout our entire relationship. 

In his defence on that occasion, I do know he absolutely genuinely meant no harm to me, it was really really unfortunate, I had no idea what had happened to me, so I’m completely sure he did not know & of course prior to the crash I would have been hypomanic with hyper sexuality. He undoubtedly believed he could restore me to my former sex bot status me by having more sex with me. Sadly not but no one’s fault.

For years, this episode, I genuinely believed I’d been spiked with drugs, I had to have been I thought, it was incomprehensible that my own inner chemistry set could have achieved such extraordinary mental & physical lockdown. 

That wasn’t the beginning of my history of mental illness, it was roughly the beginning of my Bipolar though I think. I’d made an enormous number of very weird & impulsive choices already by that age but BPD mostly covers it. I mean I don’t know. I certainly had issues with paranoia, rage, binge drinking, impulsive risk taking, especially sexually back at 15. 

My BPD type behaviours, I think began pre-puberty or the cusp of that…. Psyche Drs will not diagnosis BPD during teens because, at some point most teenagers act out in a BPD way but for the majority the more extreme behaviours stop. I sort to control my eating for the first time at about 14 & dropped masses of weight very fast, in a deeply unhealthy manner. I stayed very very thin until I was pregnant at 20. 

It’s not the beginning of my history of sexual misadventure either but I don’t feel the need to go over that again here, publicly. At the end of my work with the Psychologist 18 months ago he referred me to the rape crisis team despite the heavily historical nature of multiple traumatic experiences. He said that it would be well worth defusing some of that trauma even at this late stage.

The PTSD specific therapy EMDR is a top choice for all & any unintegrated trauma work imo. Though I’ve not done it myself for trauma , I will do, I must do & I recommend it to anyone.

I did have some with a hypnotherapist about 10 yrs ago for giving up smoking……although I did not stop smoking, the therapy itself was amazing.