The Law of the Even Deal

I stumbled across this interesting concept, the Law of the Even Deal on a Buddhist Relationship Counsellors web site….. I think…… or at least that’s where I ended up somehow & I really liked it so I thought I’d share it in case it helps anyone.

Basically, in years of giving couples therapy she discovered that one of the biggest pit falls in relationships was how men & women process receiving differently.

So the concept is that when men receive something in relationship, anything, a kiss, affection, sex, a gift, a meal etc they experience it internally an increased sense of self esteem, self worth, almost like the experience of praise. But women experience receiving these same things as a debt that must be repaid. So women seek to repay what’s given, whereas men, generally only give when they are moved to internally. The counsellor said that 99% of the time in her practice this was the fact.

So this is interesting. What’s the main complaint that women have in relationship? It’s that they feel it’s unbalanced, that they give & give & it’s not reciprocated. Women traditionally build resentment over time about this don’t they, it’s a classic scenario.

I remember making this complaint to a male friend about a boyfriend, he explained to me that when you give & give unconditionally (I know, ‘apparently’ unconditionally) all the other person really knows or learns about you is that you love to give….. rather than ‘look I can give & give, will you also give & give the same….. because I have all these needs’.

My ‘best’, as in least unsuccessful relationship had my partner trying to actually employ me in a range of roles in the real world & as such was the least ‘indebted’ of all my ex’s specifically due to this. Unfortunately, my continued lack of diagnoses conundrum & on going depressions ruined all that but the sentiment was clearly there… bless him…. the only one who tried to get some balance between us….. many were just…. I’m not even going to talk about them actually.

So, the Law of the Even Deal strives for more conscious balance in the give & take of relationships, acknowledging there’s a gender based difference & that not attending to this subtle law is one of the major causes of relationship breakdown.

I guess ultimately, deciding on what exactly constitutes balance in any given relationship is going to be unique & personal to the individuals involved, but I think it’s a very worthwhile area to explore.