Lost a friend

Well I personally lost her a while ago. I kind of lost her when I had my big high in 2015. That high scared some people & I think it scared Mary.

My beautiful Mary. So I find out today that you died around the full moon, my Taurus friend died around the full moon in Taurus 10 days ago. And I did not even know you had been ill.

I was in love with Mary for years, I would have done anything for her in a quasi platonic-romantic blur kind of way & she knew it, she had a similar effect on many people I think but she wanted & usually had a man in her life though I rarely met them. In BPD terms she was my 'favourite person' for a while - I kind of got addicted to her in a clingy, amplified way. I didn’t know I had BPD then, I just found myself triggered by her, perceiving abandonment that probably wasn’t there all the time, at tiny minor things. 

Anyway. I took her to see a brilliant string quartet at the Dartington International Summer School, I think in 2018 - our last date, having not see each other hardly in 3 years she took a long phone call to the boyfriend to talk about some seemingly very mundane matters whilst we were in the queue, in the devastatingly beautiful courtyard of the Hall, lit by summer evening warm light & I felt abandoned (BPD special) & we did not really gel that evening after that.

Sometime since, im not sure when, in the last year I think, we bumped into each other outside the post office & randomly spoke politics due to the handling of the lockdown & Covid etc & to my manifest horror in her absence she had become a Right Wing Boris Johnson supporter to my Real Left Corbynism....... we lasted seconds before I agreed to differ & walked away.

So that was the last time I saw her.

These photos are from earlier when we used to hang out together more - the first 3 are from her birthday in 2012 - she was turning 45

these 2 were from 2011 when her housing situation started to become really shit

this pirate hat one was from 2016, a rare visit, my hat, I used to make everyone who visited wear it, visitors very few & far between then, I was pretty unwell

I honestly would have taken such good care of you if you'd stayed around - I know you thought you needed a man, a stronger arm around you - I would have kept you safe & well. We had such a laugh, we were both so musical, we played music together, we both liked dressing up & going dancing. 

Gutted, completely gutted, Pancreatic cancer, I would have fought that fucker with you & I might have helped you to win but I guess you did not want to win, I guess you were ready to go, something was so stuck, something had been irretrievably stuck & painful for you for so so long & I know that is exactly when a Soul pulls a lifetime. 

She was 54 - 3 months younger than me. Damn it Mare. God damn it.