Dylan Moran turned 50 yesterday so I thought, as my very most favourite comedian I’d like to post a little personal outthink to the artistic & comedic genius in a kind of self absorbed thankyou for all of the psychological relief I’ve received from his work, which has been extensive.
The only time I’ve ever seen him live was when my son surprised me with tickets to see him at the Exeter Phoenix as a small venue warm up show for Off the Hook for my 48 birthday. We were front row & also near the door to ease my social anxiety but also so very near him in such an intimate venue & I was quickly thrown by the absence in myself of physical attraction for him in real life - I had such huge affection for him, i felt such massive psychological rapport so you know, I just assumed that automatically I’d have the most intense romantic feelings for him in physical proximity but they were most distinctly lacking. Not to say he’s not physically an attractive person, of course he is, he’s scrummy on all levels but he just did not, most mercifully I might add, trigger those kind of feelings, instead there was just the most warm appreciation & deep friendliness you can imagine. Still, I remember I was surprised.
It was a relief to find that I did not have any unrequited romantic love for my favourite & a distinctly happily married comedian, those drives in me are more than capable of making me completely insane thanks to BPD’s high capacity for limerence & obsession. The more performers I love that I get to meet as human beings the more i can enjoy a truer appreciation unburden by all the crazy fantasy elements I’m capable of creating, however much fun those can be & they really are.
I have massive problem facing reality I think, maybe it’s too late to change now coming on 55, I don’t know. I think harnessing my overactive imagination for creative purposes is my only hope. I don’t think being less lonely is gonna be easy to manifest in the real world, it doesn’t feel easy to manifest. I was so lonely walking the streets of Vienna on my 49th birthday, following my self made Beethoven & Schubert itinerary the only way to make it bearable was by imagining the two of them with me, you know hanging out with me, my best friends which since then they turned out to be just that, somehow, across the centuries, it was a life saver, my powerful sky high imagination saved my own life that time, when I needed it to most.
There was another Dylan link, Dylan was performing in Vienna the very week I was there but I was too ill to make an independent off itinerary decision, I walked past the theatre a couple of times & felt my oh too familiar sense of intense pressing paranoia (a common BPD trait) along with the completely irrational fear that somehow I’d be made to listen to it in Viennese & that that would have been excruciating …. I don’t know, it was extra money I guess, ultimately it’s just really hard to go to most things on my own, sit down events especially. If I can move about I can expend some of my nervous tension so live music events can be a bit easier for me.
Just speaking out loud which I think is good for me x
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