Observant readers will have realised, before I did probably, that the crushing contradiction that is my fundamental mammalian need for some sort of regular social interaction versus my any sort of pair bond hypersensitivity that I talked about last post, will likely result in spontaneous combustion, confusion & probably some sort of concussion to be fair lol. Further, my very unBPD like success of mastering being alone has resulted in an exaggerated need to actively exclude all others or have to face the internal terrorism of a potential juxtapositioned avalanche of unworthiness, abandonment & emptiness. Yes, I guess I’ve located my missing famous BPD symptom of emptiness - it exists in relationship to the outside world of people not within my home base dog pack or on dog walks where I am central and I am valid. I am just not valid in society. I do no real world work that is considered of value to others & I am not able to be put in a good light by reference to others when I always stand alone.
Without a special person in my life who cares about me particularly, I feel like I barely exist at all in relation to society, the world of people. Thats a false triggered state of course, I know it’s not real…..l suffer a deep sense of emptiness or my feeling of being invisible or unwanted clings to my soul when undergoing forced public social scenarios. Ironically I used my positive fantasies about my current crush to enable my breaking out of my social phobia agoraphobia and attending 2 public events in the autumn….. the same crush that negative fantasies about have triggered a tsunami of grief & fear & abandonment states for the holiday period….historically a time I would likely get abandoned by family or boyfriends due to stress related bad behaviour or mood dysphoria.
In my 2 longer relationships, let’s call them N & C, pre 2004, both resulted in me entirely losing my sense of self, any independent direction I may have entered with, any faith in my capacity to self regulate my emotions. Knowing that now, after the fact, this was classic BPD playing out but the harm that it did to all involved was abysmal.
These internal pressures triggered bipolar episodes at both poles in both of these relationships, which were not seen as such but as further undeserved bad behaviour. My love, devotion, then identity dissolution caused my complete dependence on the other person. Not that either of them where in any way available for anything other than sex, they were really not. Understandably, in the world of men, an emotionally dysphoric but hot young single mother with no self esteem is really cheap thrills if you can somehow learn to withstand the barrages.
I don’t know where I’m going here now, with this, I think I’m just venting. I avoid thinking/talking about those 2 relationships as they were both so formative but in a really really negative way. Both guys were older than me, both were heavily into ‘it’s the ego that’s the problem’ new age philosophies that further confused and stressed me as my sense of self completely disappeared with absolutely no beneficial effects whatsoever.
It has been really helpful to find that the essentially trauma based BPD package comes with a hard to maintain, deeply fractured & unhealthily externally malleable sense of self & that repairing that & defending that is more helpful than any pretence at being without ego or desire & all that new age jazz.
X still just venting - thankyou for reading
Postscript post dog walk
Just thought to add that I don’t have the weird unhealthy I don’t exist thing in the face of nature herself …. It’s purely in the face of other humans & I’d say more than one…. So not one to one but certainly facing a couple or group I feel these weird things…. So it’s status…. Being a bit out of the box in many ways it’s funny to discover that I am still under the auspices of such an alien concept as status but there you have it, my unconscious mind was unable to defeat what my conscious saw through at an early age to be largely illusory.
Oh damn I guess that’s why I’ve got so interested in my looks as I lose them mid-50’s - it s one of the big social status things isn’t it. Christ, I’ve never really thought about any of this for years…..Ive always felt it, status, was just all bollox…..I guess in a purely mammalian sense it ‘literally’ is…. 😂 bollox and bank balances….. whereas in nature, in the moment your only status is are you breathing, are you warm enough and can you walk….I know that’s very short term status evaluation but it’s how my funny feelly mind works.
So I’m left with feeling that I wouldn’t want to be higher status than anyone else because we are all fundamentally equal in my honest opinion wtv our output. Whist I have to admit that being mentally ill at 55 with no partner or job is as low status as you can get in this society, I guess. Hmmm so yer.
Perhaps I get to buffer that internally coz I’m quite bright….well when I’m not too ill I am.
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