Feeling really sorry for myself - I’ve had a really tough week, really really hard with a lot of stress. Had the best help from binaural beats which has been so good at taking me out of sympathetic nervous system hijack really fast.
I’m still feeling very glad I’ve a fuller picture of what’s been so wrong with me, for sooooooooooo long but at the same time I feel really dejected & sorry for myself & like, when you add the definate PTSD I had post high 2016 - I had this random voice shouting at me out of nowhere in my head really loud, like attacking me, it was the weirdest thing……when I told a community support worker she said that was a lesser known but still classic PTSD symptom, like visual flashbacks are very well known but audio violent ‘hallucinations’ less well known……I thought it was just intrusive thoughts but it was very particularly aggressive……it’s like unconscious mind is trying to give the clue…. “You’re shocked, like THIS”
So yes, when you add at least one bout of PTSD (there have been more episodes though, from sexual assualts etc) you can take or leave GAD really at this point as it just indicates an almost permanent state of sympathetic nervous system arousal, that’s still a quad of co-morbidities. Yikes.
I feel like the most diagnosed person in town now or the maddest witch in the west…… the good thing, the best thing is that I feel I can blame my family even less than I did, which wasn’t much tbf, as the genetics of ADHD is majorly heritable (also genetic overlaps strong for BPD as well as Bipolar) & I’ve seen my mum especially exhibiting, really, the inattentive version & it does answer a lot of questions re: my dad now too……. How could anyone expect them to notice my atypical ADD presentation as a somewhat introverted child……
Sorry about all the dots……they comfort me…….
Bit of a weird photo, I had just had 3 days of intense stress & had managed some pretty generous equilibrium at this point, but the pain still shows I think, also it was dusk so I think a longer exposure than when brighter….. anyway this is me knowing that bit more about myself……. it does all help, every jigsaw piece, knowledge is power…… adult ADHD is really common, a 8-9% occurrence I think….. in some ways it’s gonna be the easier part of my picture to impact……I mean I’ve started loads of organisation type things for all the chaos that I’ve been trying to live amongst…… things that have troubled me for ages, years, the why, why can’t I concentrate on that, why is it so hard to do basic things….. self diagnosing has given me permission for it to feel hard, really hard & to grasp that doing it is even more worth while for my brain than for other types of brain….
The sensory component, the problems with sound & the feel of clothing, it always felt a bit autistic but adhd covers that well…… I think I’ve mentioned these before… I have to wear noise cancelling head phones if there is certain types of sound in order to be outside in my own garden….easily overwhelmed by sound etc …..
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