Fit n fitter - I Shouldn't Really Be Here

I’m really quite physically fit, fitter than I’ve ever been amazingly but over 50 I do accept that my tummy is now doing it’s own thing to quite a large degree now…. Unconnected to exercise or calorific intake…. just off in its own apparently…. lol 

No it’s lovely 🥰 I’ve worked really hard to achieve even this & it’s lovely…… Gratuitous bikini pix to you. 

If you’ve suffered severe mental health problems & you make it past 40 you’ve done so amazingly well - the stats are clear…. My imaginary autobiography would be called “I shouldn’t really be here”. If you add up the life years lost to each of my conditions it adds up, using the max stat for each condition to exaggerate for effect…… to almost all of my mad massive 55 years that I’ve achieved

ADHD loses you between 11-13 yrs of life when still active in adulthood, with women disproportionately more likely to die from accident….(that’s very ADD)

BPD = a risk of 15-20 yrs lost and Bipolar 1 can lose you 11-20 from the average life expectancy.

I know that’s a overdramatic way of viewing it but I’ve used it for affect…. The overall average for severe mental illness is about 10 yrs lost….but it’s the quality of life lost thats the real disaster for all mental illness imo…..the suffering, the loneliness, the low self esteem…. that’s what’s really tough…..be kind to yourself for gods sake & practice having your own back for when no one else does. 💜🙌

The difference between having long term severe mental illness & having a breakdown (*edited)

So I watched this & it got me sparking so I thought I’d share: Trauma, Shame & Being Enough

So Patti & I agree that within all so called Mental Illness is brain & nervous system dysfunction caused by some kind of trauma, a maladaptive response to stress &/or insurmountable stress.

Then I’d like to add Dr Amens thoughts about general anaesthetic, sedation & even local anaesthetic & then also head injury from accident or sports contributing to long term mental illness structurally via direct hardware brain/nervous system injury.

 *Then theres the obvious systemic inflammation from poor diet, food sensitivities & ready irritants like alcohol & drugs both legal & illegal (with exclusions in both those latter categories for some people eg CBD seems especially helpful across the board) confounding the nervous system particularly during childhood & adolescence reeking havoc on susceptible developing physiologies*

But I have the question….. what is the difference between a robust nervous system that can withstand endless insults of a range of types without developing a serious longterm fault or which recovers its prior function relatively swiftly & easily & one that simply does not or cannot.

We used to call it a constitutionally highly strung type because of course, the more sensitive someone is the more likely to spiral into increasing mental illness, that is; nervous system dysfunction, when faced with overwhelming stress or psychological insult. But the nurture aspect is crucial too. Support, genuine unconditional, family, community, friendship support can make or break a nervous system, I have no doubt, just as negative experiences in family or community can condemn us to a worse life. 

Like attracts like, of this i'm sure. My social circles in the past largely ended up with diagnoses or early death from Substance Use Disorders, old world alcoholism & drug addiction, that the vile Right Wing press would still have you believe is a weakness of character & not trying hard enough rather than what it is; the surface expression & attempted suppression of the symptoms of serious Nervous System Dysfunction. The eventual diagnoses or self diagnoses have all been, across the board, the most helpful thing for all of these people.

Patti's Talk I think is a worthy discussion for those who have had a single intense period of breakdown after really being predominantly functional, but it needs to be known that these bouncing back robust types have perhaps not suffered insurmountable psychological or physical adversity without adequate support. 

For those of us with long term ongoing nervous system dysfunction, there is for sure something of use for us in this talk, but id like to see the difference in these 2 groups discussed more frequently & deeply to help us find more answers for all.

ADHD, BPD, Bipolar Hypersexuality & Me

Rummaging through ADHD YouTube it springs quite quickly to my attention that there is a distinct correlation between ADHD & 🙄 especially my form, Inattentive ADHD & Hypersexuality. The attentive reader will understand that this now makes all 3 of my mental health conditions especially prone to either bouts of or just plain generalised Hypersexuality. Well this is a bit embarrassing.

Shocked, I tell you…….lol, no, of course I’m not shocked at all. Again, like so much about putting the ADHD piece into my mental health jigsaw, all becomes transparently clear at long last.

For many years I was peripherally concerned & somewhat temporally amused that i seemed to have an almighty sex drive to the degree that, I felt myself to be perhaps somewhat some sort of Nymphomaniac. I never felt guilt or shame about my high libido, although aligned with my impulsivity these was certainly potentially problematic & resulted in some pretty heavy risk taking at times.

Fortunately for me, when out of committed monogamy I was so miserable I could barely leave my bedroom for the most part, partly because my sky high libido was in despair at our loss of mutual remedy. At some point, of course, I would have to go out, against my better judgement usually, to seek another lover & that required being at least in a somewhat better mood or at least stoic & outgoing to some extent, so alcohol would be involved, which I am to all intents & purposes allergic to.

So, yes, Hypersexuality- I’ve read much debate about it’s relative dis-ease status or not & really the discerning factor is the degree to which it damages your life, like any addictive behaviour or substance, if it’s out of control & harms other important areas of your world then it’s a problem you might do well to seek help with.

Ultimately, overall I was not that bad regarding other people. I destroyed one really important formative relationship early on with Hypersexuality induced infidelity with one other person whilst in a bipolar hypermanic episode for which I hated myself for many years - and that’s it. I had one night stands when out of monogamous relationships but overall in relationship I was a very committed lover. And that’s the rub, I was a very committed lover. 😉

I’ve heard BPD women described as Sex Geniuses & Nymphomaniacs & it’s to do with the need to bond deeply & to dedicatedly secure affection to feel some safety against a backdrop of severely low self esteem stemming from all of the deeply unpleasant & difficult traits of BPD. Abandonment is the ultimate BPD terror, so being a love bombing nympomamiac fulfilling the fantasies of a partner was key to ensuring that was kept at bay. But the pendulum swing from intense devotion, deep bonding & unconscious dependency is a mountain of unfulfillable expectation, knee jerk rebellion with anger & disillusionment followed by massive BPD fear & confusion.

So overall, I don’t think I’m that bad, I don’t think I’m a sex addict who would do anything with anyone to get a fix, that’s not me at all & it hasn’t been me throughout my life. I’m not fixated on sex although I would say that on a daily basis fantasy love & sex things do go though my mind regularly albeit quite fleetingly, sometimes several times a day….. I guess like we were told that men think about sex every few minutes, is that a thing? Did they used to say that? If that’s true, that makes every man in a relationship a fantasy infidel probably, as one fantasy partner is going to get boring if you are thinking about it every ten minutes, aren’t you?

That said, I’d say that my crush, there’s only ever one at a time I don’t multi-crush, can float through my mind in a sexual wave, feeling, vibe, visual, or sensory motion several times a day & I think that’s ok….. it’s nice, I’ve been single for a very very long time & I think that’s nice, I get a dopamine surge, sometimes I just get a mental cuddle sometimes briefly more but overall it helps my life..…it helps with managing the isolation that I seem to need & have created for myself in which to dissect & hopefully heal my dis-eases…..it helps buffer my naturally high Libido which I’d say is pretty healthy in spite of my intense combination of conditions. I guess you’d have to say I’ve got it under control……now I have at any rate. That’s probably much easier to say post-menopause though tbf.

Do I need to rake over the historic worst of it? I don’t think so. The main person who got hurt was me. The main person I need to apologise to is me. My early partners came off badly, everyone was confused, I was baffled by myself, my instability was terrifying, epic…..isolation was the only sane action often times. But I can & do apologise to all my early lovers, none of us knew what was wrong with me & there was a lot wrong, I’m sorry it was such a mess for us all. You got off lightly, I had to stay with me…. 

Here’s an aside to the above though. Bipolar Mania Hypersexuality is grim. Like all of the nervous system aberrations of Bipolar……so much nervous system pain, so much physical tension, so much speed, just awful…… the HS aspect is unpleasant but then getting anyone to sleep with you when you’re manic is tricky as it’s really hard to hide how unwell you are…… you are talking nonsense…… real super nonsense not everyday nonsense but the sky is falling nonsense, up is down nonsense, nothing is real nonsense….. with the notable exception of being taken advantage of under the influence of excessive alcohol when I was younger I think I kept pretty clear of the worst possibility’s due to being somewhat introverted by nature.

Ive not drank in 15 years now, thankfully, & I think that alcohol is the most heinous of drugs for any form of mental illness. To remove inhibitions from an already disinhibited person with BPD or Bipolar mania or hypomania is a disaster. It’s brain inflammatory. It’s horrible. And most with mental, that is brain based & nervous system dysfunction cannot physically cope with it imo. And it’s a cultural precursor to disinhibited social as well as sexual interaction for many well people, but I feel that ‘problems’ with alcohol are a ready indicator of undiagnosed mental illness & for those with particular conditions & traits, it’s an incredibly dangerous & life threatening drug.

Article Summing up Benefits of Red Light NIR Therapy

 https://platinumtherapylights.com/blogs/news/brain-light-therapy

Here is a really thorough review of the benefits of Red Light Therapy particularly regarding brain health but bear in mind that these guys make devices so it leans a bit towards sales speak & somewhat glorified interpretations of research but skimming through I cannot argue with it much except that, as with most natural therapies, getting proper extensive research done is nigh impossible if it’s going to detract from Big Pharma profit & if you read the possible list of benefits, like natural Progesterone- some unpatentable things just help too many lucrative conditions.

Also, as I said, Sunlight is the real healer. Warmth & Light from the Sun, if your climate & emotional psychological disposition permits, otherwise this therapy might help you get out there. 

My Current Isochronic Tones Playlist

So all the credit here goes to Jason Lewis, the man behind the music of ‘Mend Amend’ - find a massive catalog free to use on YouTube with beautiful graphics or stream on all the usual streaming services. Obviously there are others but currently, for me, MindAmend has it all. Here is his entirely extraordinary YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/c/MindAmend & here is his Website for purchases https://www.mindamend.com/

My god these things have become the love of my life, yes there are times when they don’t help but actually they are few & far between- the relief is still mostly whilst I’m using them but I feel that this will be gradually accumulative & as is the main rational behind some medication I am convinced that time spent being well & functional encourages further stabilisation of & establishment of those brain states of being well & functional. Just as time spent being unsupported in mental disorganisation &/or emotionally dsyregulated reinforces that. Anxiety, generally speaking still down to a decent 1/2 out of 10 from a previous daily without trigger 7/8 out if 10 - if this is the only change I’d still think it’s a wonder but I know there is much much more to gain.

I’m using the Schumann Resonance ones a lot - this is the speed of the Earths own frequency on the borderline of calm Theta to ‘work a day’ Alpha at 7.83hz - SR is my go to calm but alert tone & it totally enhances time spent in nature, deepening the sense of connection & experiential involvement as part of nature. My home base tone.

When I wake up too early & get unwanted premature surges of cortisol I go to Theta around 5.5hz & if I don’t get back to sleep at least I am not being tortured by cortisol induced pain & panic type thinking - so that’s a huge win, a huge asset to better sleep or at least a meditative calm alternative.

I have come to rely on the Complex Tasks isochronic tones sets, wait for it……...to cope with doing the dishes & making lunch 🤣……yes……tasks that many take for granted have always brought anxiety creating disorganisation & stress for me…… it’s so embarrassing but once I begin something like this my brain shoots off in 10 other directions & it takes a massive amount of patience & self forgiveness to complete this basic task without starting to glue up my wellies or organise the recycling after I’ve put the eggs on….. 

Finally, an honourable mention to the ADD/ADHD Intense Relief tones where he essentially de-emotionsalises the brain by speeding up the rational left brain higher than the creative/emotional right side - I think it’s like brain gym, like practicing rationality from a purely mechanical, anatomical, functional direction. I think it’s wonderful & these ones can bring me out of a funk sometimes. Usually being in nature with Schumann Resonance is the way to go for low mood though.

I achieved some, for me extremely complex tasks to do with music technology reasonably sensibly with the help of one of the Peak Focus tone sets. Jason has even inspired me to go electric as a previously confirmed acoustic musician….. I now have a Synth, prepped an Isochronic tone backing track of my own & opened GarageBand for the first time in 15 yrs…. 😄 - wires, leads, I dealt with those at length without a panic attack. I call that a real win. 😅

Red Light Therapy plus Therapy

The current trend in Anti-Aging Red Light & Near Infared Therapy devices got me curious about its cell metabolism increasing capacity in the brain & sure enough the research throws up that trials for PTSD & TBI have shows some benefits. Also for Fibromyalgia for my daughter, which slows metabolism prematurely, a bit like aging too soon….. Anyhow, I’ve been working with a red light nir box for a few weeks now & I love it & I think combined with the insight building of psychotherapy/talk therapy of your choice, I feel the combination would be a real winner in natural treatment of severe mental illnesses.

The query I get is, in what way is this not just a remedy for not enough sunlight…… I’ve loved my light box during grey rainy UK May & it cheers me up & gets me going when it’s chilly but I fail to see how in a warmer climate this would be needed unless the person refuses or is otherwise unable to leave the house, then this could help mimic the sun on your head, stimulating increased cellular atp activity & increasing cell metabolism etc.

I get it for anti aging, in a way, as full spectrum sun is perceived as very aging but surely with sunblock & covering up etc you would still absorb lots of NIR as well as FIR light through your clothes producing the same healthy cellular stimulation. That’s my only query.

So anyway, I love my box & all the benefits I’ve felt from using it so far & yes my skin on my face looks fab imho, definitely enough change there to keep me interested but it’s the affect on my body that’s so fantastic- I feel more energetic, more toned, more enlivened & more positive since using the light box.

My one is not a huge box, it’s a 300w tilting unit by a company called Helios that I rotate body parts towards in the bathroom in the morning, especially sore muscles - I totally recommend this therapy device or a bigger one for people stuck in the house with mental illness or in the more light deprived countries. It’s extremely bright, brighter than the face mask types which cost twice the price for a third of the power per cm2 at a foot away. I wear eye protection or exercise great caution with it as it can cause a painful glare sensation.

A word of warning, I have to say this, just like sunshine, it significantly increases hormonal activity throughout your endocrine system indeed some users use it for this Testosterone boosting, sexual dysfunction restorative capacity - it also increases Melatonin too which is your sleep hormone & a master antioxidant & anti inflammatory agent. I love it but having struggled with Hypersexuality as many BPD & Bipolar people do as part of their illness I am enormously careful with it…… but it’s marvellous 😄🤭😉

ADHD as a Disorder of Self Regulation & Executive Function (Dr Russell Barkley)

 

Oh my this is fascinating & really explanatory but I’m sorry Dr B I’m going to issue my own counter to your pro pharmaceutical message. If stimulant medicine helps normalise executive function in ADHD then using natural alternatives as needed will work just as well with less problems/less insult to the body imho, this is just how it works. Pharma, to make profits has to make patents, natural molecules are unpatentable so generate no interest or research from Pharma Corps. If Pharma can make it nature has been there already & it will be much much cheaper without shareholder dividends. 

I’m just updating with a comment about sugar. Dr’s comment about sugar on this I believe is rather unhelpful. I’m bigly anti-sugar generally but the less refined the better obviously, some of those mineral rich raw cane juice sugars are ok, I’m big honey head, since my teens, it’s my main carb I think embarrassingly…. 😊😋 real raw single hive honey preferably. 

So that said -  brilliant insightful short video that describes the ADHD inability to act. “You can know stuff, but you won’t do stuff” - so helpful to have this described so clearly 🙏

The Not Evidence Basedness of soooo much Mainstream Science

 

This is so superb in so many ways - it sums up the conflicts of interest & general untrustworthiness of Big Pharma that’s had me avoid pharmaceuticals myself for 4 decades. I absolutely do not think I would be here today had I dabbled with the mainstream suggestions for all my extensive 3 syndrome deep mental health problems.

The contraindications for Bipolar & ADHD & the medications recommended for each would have been a disaster. I was regularly offered SSRI’s which i refused as I was instinctively terrified of them for good reason as they would have triggered a Bipolar High with likely hospitalisation *at best*. 

I was so suicidally depressed that the risk of worsening, or the risk of worse rage would have been fatal, that’s how perilous my position felt. I’d read about suicides who had recently started or stopped SSRI’s & it was not worth the risk. As I say, for a person with Bipolar SSRI’s usually means psychosis & hospitalisation so….no. The fact that this stoic refusal is essentially why I went undiagnosed & unsupported for so long is absolutely criminal imho.

Love Russell - it’s so deeply heartening to see this level of exposure of corruption reach such a big audience - awesomeness 🤓😎

Binaural Beats Cooler Cousin - Isochronic Tones- Binaural Beats Geek Article

https://www.binauralbeatsgeek.com/isochronic-tones/

Another Excellent Article 

Here’s the introduction- EXTRACT 

“”

Isochronic Tones: The Beginner's Guide

Isochronic Tones are the newest kids on the block in the world of brain wave entrainment. They can help you to deeply meditate, relax, feel awesome and expand your consciousness - quickly

.

Binaural beats have been around for decades. Single toned isochronics are fresh off the street! I've been using them intensely for 4 months and the results are *very* promising. I'm experiencing stronger, faster and more enjoyable effects than with binaurals.

A year ago no one had heard of isochronic tones, and now everyone and their grandmother are calling them everything from the "strongest BWE technology ever" to (my favourite) "binaural beats on steroids".

This article will:

-introduce you to binaural beats' cooler cousin
-explain the differences between the two
-detail the benefits you will get from using isochronics
-help you make your mind up whether to try them out
-and point you in the right direction.

A Quick Recap

In case you're new here (welcome!), I'll do a 10 second roundup:

Isochronic tones are a form of brain wave entrainment. This means that you use isochronic tones as a way to entrain your brain waves (which means to have them all working in the same way, for example slowed down to the slow, low levels of alpha brain waves).

The benefits of this are varied – you can expect anything from a sense of deep relaxation and peace; to increased happiness and creativity; to vivid visualizations and *big* ideas. 

They are lots of fun, totally rejuvenating and don't require much skill to use (i.e. lay down and put headphones in. If you can manage that, you're on your way.

Oh, if you're lucky (or practice) you'll also soon be reaching a state of hemispheric or brainwave synchronization. This is what Zen meditators struggle to achieve for years, and perhaps is best described as a sense of 'total connectedness with the universe'. It's pretty hard to describe, but it feels pretty awesome and kind of awe-inspiring at times. 

(Read this article for *all* the juicy details on this "peak performance" state)

There has been lots of research and studies done which show that binaural beats and other forms of brain wave entrainment (BWE) increase the production of 'good' chemicals in the body, reduce the output of 'bad' chemicals, decrease anxiety, increase well-being and lots more. If you haven't had a look at this binaural beats research I'd highly recommend you check it out.

These are some of the main reasons that people like to use binaural beats and other forms of BWE. Now we'll look at what makes isochronics unique.

Brainwave Entrainment for Mood, Concentration, Anxiety etc

 https://www.mindamend.com/brainwave-entrainment/isochronic-tones/

Here’s an Extract from this extensive article “”

Isochronic Tones – How They Work, the Benefits and the Research

136 Comments / Brainwave Entrainment / By Jason Lewis

Isochronic tones are a fast and effective audio-based way to stimulate your brain.  Among many of the benefits, they can help improve focus, relaxation, energy levels, sleep and more, without taking drugs or needing any special equipment.

What isochronic tones essentially do, is guide your dominant brainwave activity to a different frequency while you are listening to them, allowing you to influence and change your mental state and how you feel.

The effects can be felt within a few minutes and all you literally have to do is click play and listen.

What You Need to Know About Isochronic Tones

You may have heard of binaural beats which are similar, but an older method of stimulating your brain.  In this in-depth article you will discover:

• The key benefits of isochronic tones and how they work
• How isochronic tones are different and more effective than binaural beats
• How different tone/beat frequencies affect your mental state and the way you feel
• What frequencies do what, and what to look out for
• Are isochronic tones as effective when combined with music?
• How to use isochronic tones effectively and how long the effects last for
• Any potential safety concerns or side effects
• Isochronic tones and binaural beats research and where to find it

Hmmm Iso (less chronic) Tones

(Some big successes as well actually, see below) Small personal success, I’ve got the paddle board on the van on soft bars on my own….. this means I can take the kayak on the van if I get help loading & unloading…. For some reason I thought the van roof was somehow concave or convex or wtv in my mind….. it’s not, it’s flat…..duh…. (It is curved inside though …. Lol) So pleased - essentially I can take both water vehicles out on same trip too, again with help loading…. So exciting! 

I’ve definitely had & am having progress with my overall mental health, it seems to be from the Isochronic Tones, I’m definitely less emotionally reactive (from BPD) over small things which is awesome …. & also I’ve been doing what I call practical technical things that I find really hard to focus on (from ADD) finding some of these things somewhat easier to do so woo 😄 hula hula 🥰

And that’s not even the biggest winner, I credit Isochronic Tones (plus some other Binaural Beats, ADHD specific ones) with a whopping reduction in anxiety from always being more than 6/7 out of 10 to having a baseline 0/2 out of 10 most of the time with also considerably less of an excruciating stress rise when I’m triggered…. To say I’m delighted does not cover it….I’ve suffered constant painful anxiety for years, decades….the longest time.

 I found this comment about ADHD anxiety being different from Anxiety Disorders, having different underpinings….Hopefully I will properly research the difference between GAD & ADHD Anxiety at some point but for now this comment rings true.

Also I’ve dropped my anti-anxiety herb Skullcap & replaced with some ADHD herbs which have different actions in the brain/nervous system (Bacopa & Gingko) so I will include them as being part of this positive shift that I’m in.

The research on Binaural Beats & Iso Tones does not recommend it for those with Severe Mental Illness, that’s a disclaimer that you can take that with a pinch of salt if you’ve ever been screwed around with by mainstream medicine for MH reasons & suffered, which is nearly everyone & if you are ready to take responsibility for being conscious of trusting your perception of how things affect you then this is absolutely for you. 

All natural alternative health things have the bare minimum of research because the big money for research is tied up with big profit pharmaceuticals. But you knew that. 

My New Fav Binaural Beat Video is really Isochronic Tones (oh yes it is)

 Oh I dig this one soooooo much I can’t take it off…..

I can’t copy & paste the video bio but it’s definitely well worth reading if you click through & watch it on YouTube.

Also I wanted to mention the one I liked the Deep Delta with Alpha Binaural Beats one with the ADHD warning very quickly became annoyingly slow! And the 14hz ADHD relief one was & still is really really helpful 😊🥰

New Lipstick (shallow I know) Neurodiversity (in at the deep end)

 

New Mad Lipstick - I can’t get any more of my absolute favourite MAC lipstick 4eva as it’s discontinued, in fact I’ve bought 2 on EBay that were definitely not genuine & smell like heavy metals (to me, I’m pretty sensitive to smells) so I sent them back but I found this dupe for MAC 4eva by a much cheaper brand called NYX I think…. It’s 4£ & smells good n harmless & it’s close enough, though I like to add a little Matte Royal by MAC which is strong matt blue just because…. 🙌💜

Also trying the lip colour with head bands colours - I’m unnaturally attached to my headphones aren’t I, my surrogate something. 🥰🤔♥️

When I said earlier my “long suspected neurodiversity” I thought that may have been confusing, I’ve always felt like an unusual thinker, for the longest time, I was into Yoko Ono as 11…. I was unusual…. But I never suspected ADHD, not seriously. Also, I don’t see BPD & Bipolar as being Neurodiverse, though I bet some people do, I see them as straight up damage to the nervous system & emotional regulation structures of the brain……I see them as damage, repairable damage. I questioned GP etc re ADHD since 2015 because post high that year the inability to concentrate, short term memory was abysmal, & it’s taken me ages to get back to something workable tbh….. and then that repair has left me with more or less the original state of more subtle Inattentive ADHD that I reckon I had as a child before the BPD element took over & doubled up on extreme things….. & then the Bipolar with longer & longer depressions etc etc…. So yes, it’s good, really good to have made this progress in diagnosis (self diagnosis ADHD) & I’ve been doing lots of ADHD repair work & I feel very positive about where this all will take me….. 😊

MM music mainly

I feel bad leaving this in my blog descriptor so I’ve just taken it off because I’ve absolutely no interest in making music at all, never mind sharing it, at the moment and for a good long while now. I’ve so much to try and straighten out in my life & work on & everything takes me a long time if I need to really engage my wayward drifty brain & I can’t afford any help & kids too busy…… if I do anything else, manage to focus on anything else then the chance to play piano is lost….. recording anything is way beyond my capacity, wires of all kinds & red record buttons trigger panic in me…..so that’s ok, I’m ok with that……a lot has happened, I feel like I’ve changed a lot in the last 9 months & far for the better in different ways…… just not in that way.

I’m sure I’ll go back, I’ll probably have a metamorphosis, that’s what usually happens when I lose interest in an instrument or current style of music. So good to recognise, acknowledge & come to terms with the reality & root of my concentration problems, which have always stressed me musically as well as other zones of life. I’ve been so frustrated with myself for so long, just so long & problems with attention have been soul destroying at times.

So I’ve just got too much else in other areas demanding my energy. I’d been hiding in the piano for ages, long hours every day because I’d given up with people entirely because I didn’t know what was wrong with me, (of course yes I know also positively as mindfulness & meditation.) So that’s changed & still changing. It’s just time to do something else.

Co-Occurance Bipolar & ADHD

 A screen grab looking at the co-morbidity & genetic overlaps

SUD is substance use disorder - while I’m loooong time clean of alcohol & even longer of anything else.…. I had a month off nicotine at the end of last year which felt so brilliant & amazing but I buckled at a major trigger….. so I’m back on the weakest nicotine, 1% in pure VG vape that I make up myself……. I’d say it’s definitely 95% better than smoking for someone like me with long long term addictive tendencies 

It’s what it is.

(I will re-do this post properly in a bit with some links to research articles etc)

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the maddest one of all

Feeling really sorry for myself - I’ve had a really tough week, really really hard with a lot of stress. Had the best help from binaural beats which has been so good at taking me out of sympathetic nervous system hijack really fast.

I’m still feeling very glad I’ve a fuller picture of what’s been so wrong with me, for sooooooooooo long but at the same time I feel really dejected & sorry for myself & like, when you add the definate PTSD I had post high 2016 - I had this random voice shouting at me out of nowhere in my head really loud, like attacking me, it was the weirdest thing……when I told a community support worker she said that was a lesser known but still classic PTSD symptom, like visual flashbacks are very well known but audio violent ‘hallucinations’ less well known……I thought it was just intrusive thoughts but it was very particularly aggressive……it’s like unconscious mind is trying to give the clue…. “You’re shocked, like THIS”

So yes, when you add at least one bout of PTSD (there have been more episodes though, from sexual assualts etc) you can take or leave GAD really at this point as it just indicates an almost permanent state of sympathetic nervous system arousal, that’s still a quad of co-morbidities. Yikes.

I feel like the most diagnosed person in town now or the maddest witch in the west…… the good thing, the best thing is that I feel I can blame my family even less than I did, which wasn’t much tbf, as the genetics of ADHD is majorly heritable (also genetic overlaps strong for BPD as well as Bipolar) & I’ve seen my mum especially exhibiting, really, the inattentive version & it does answer a lot of questions re: my dad now too……. How could anyone expect them to notice my atypical ADD presentation as a somewhat introverted child……

Sorry about all the dots……they comfort me…….

 

Bit of a weird photo, I had just had 3 days of  intense stress & had managed some pretty generous equilibrium at this point, but the pain still shows I think, also it was dusk so I think a longer exposure than when brighter…..  anyway this is me knowing that bit more about myself……. it does all help, every jigsaw piece, knowledge is power…… adult ADHD is really common, a 8-9% occurrence I think….. in some ways it’s gonna be the easier part of my picture to impact……I mean I’ve started loads of organisation type things for all the chaos that I’ve been trying to live amongst…… things that have troubled me for ages, years, the why, why can’t I concentrate on that, why is it so hard to do basic things….. self diagnosing has given me permission for it to feel hard, really hard & to grasp that doing it is even more worth while for my brain than for other types of brain….

The sensory component, the problems with sound & the feel of clothing, it always felt a bit autistic but adhd covers that well…… I think I’ve mentioned these before… I have to wear noise cancelling head phones if there is certain types of sound in order to be outside in my own garden….easily overwhelmed by sound etc …..

Me proving that Seinheiser headphones & badly worn baseball caps are indeed sex aids….

 I’m sorry 😂 now my greatly long suspected neurodiversity is out of the bag please don’t imagine I’m going to hold any of my innate weirdness back now 😂💗🙌💜💗

Actually feeling better for expressing myself now x 🤓

33% Co-Occurrence of BPD & ADHD

 https://neurodivergentinsights.com/adhd-infographics/adhd-and-bpd

Oh I’m feeling very jubilant working this out on my own - i guess son & DiL have been pushing it towards me for a few months now though so, yes lots of credit there actually. I did mention ADHD traits to all the mental health professionals who’ve dealt with me since my oh so late Bipolar 1 diagnosis in 2016, at 49 but I think they all needed me to be dealing with the Macro (bipolar1) & Micro (BPD) Emotional Dysregulation first as that is likely, to a greater or lesser extent, to seriously obscure the cognitive, behavioural, executive function difficulties. From my own perspective the frustrations I’ve lived with  re: concentrating, prioritising, major distractibility, decisions, have absolutely been core triggers for emotional dysphoria in and of themselves, as you might imagine.

Im also well aware that this is all further complicated by the fact that post ‘big high, big low or crash’ you are looking at brain damage to several areas corresponding the ADHD differences as well. Essentially this is why I’ve already worked with multiple natural remedies for ADHD in my seeking to regrow brain volume lost to bipolar episodes. Despite this, I stand by the fact that pre Bipolar pre age 18, and also pre BPD circa age 13 I had so serious Inattentive type ADHD symptoms. So, I’m standing with my self-diagnosis atm & reading up help for ADHD websites & implementing the ideas from those. Fantastic, very pleased. 

I’m working a lot with Binaural Beats, PolyVagal exercises, my beloved DLPA & Taurine I’m on long term are already ADHD stalwart natural remedies, I’ve just got some more Bacopa capsules which I really love, finishing up some Gingko tincture I had knocking about - lovely. I just have to be very self aware that I’m not getting too happy & then too exuberant for fear of initiating a bipolar high if things go ‘too well’….. groan…… but I really think I’m going to be able to recognise the soooo terrifically painful nervous system symptoms & serious mental speed that are so vivid even in just the take off period of a big high. Also my tools for interrupting this kind of take off, my tool armoury for exactly this is pretty extensive at this point. Determined to avoid a big high is a slight understatement lol

💜💗🙌

Scattered Minds - Gabor Mate

 

Cool new book to read :) so pretty cover 😍

ADD/ADHD in Women - Inattentive ADHD

Hmmm- Well since studying this subject more thoroughly over the weekend I am relating it more & more to some really troublesome, difficult to live with cognitive traits that I have lived with for the longest time. More importantly, it accounts for the period of my life between 11 & 17 pre BPD/Bipolar - it accounts for lots of problems I was having then. If I had to make a guess I’d say I was quietly (inattentive type) ADHD from earlier still, possibly which the stress/confusion/suffering of this caused BPD which the anguish/stress of kind of caused Bipolar 1. So that’s a neurological developmental disorder plus a personality disorder then plus a severe mood disorder 😅🤪🤓

Definitely a family connection too as it is highly genetic (equally my co-morbidities are very well recognised with the same genetic connection too) both my parent have traits but my mum more especially has had/suffered from the inability to prioritise, make decisions, major disorganisation, raging anxiety, low self esteem due to the above etc there’s more….these just off top of head.

Been looking at all the natural remedies for adult ADHD & many things I’ve had some respite from generally over the years are there that it would be great to go back to eg Bacopa & Gingko & Phosphatidylserine & CBD oil all of which I’ve had really good experiences with in the past. 

Feeling really really hopeful that this is the final piece of my bonkers, stupidly complicated undiagnosed/late diagnosis mental health issues saga 😂 

I’ve actually noticed that I’m already handling boring household chores differently since accepting the self diagnosis…… no really, when I put the stuff down half undone because my brain has switched off, that now makes sense….. I just don’t feel annoyed with myself if it’s my weird brain & thus, I can go back and do it later, knowing & accepting that for reasons….. I find this ordinary stuff ineffably hard!

Anyway, I’m gonna run with this as a thought exercise for a while & see if it continues to help me not be so irritated & disappointed in myself……. In fact tbh if I’m right, I’ve every reason to be very very gentle & forgiving of myself & my wide range of practical deficiencies.

By the way, I didn’t know this so you probably don’t, Women don’t necessarily have a hyperactive version of ADHD but a version hallmarked by problems with concentration- Inattentive ADHD is the new name for ADD I think. 🤷‍♀️ Wow! 

Late Diagnosis Anger/Trauma/Grief

I was talking with my wonderful, awesome daughter in law who has late diagnosed ADHD very recently at 33, about how angry I’ve been feeling & she told me that late diagnosis trauma is an actual recognised thing in mental health….. it’s ‘what could have been pain’….. yep that’s part of what’s been going on definitely, I keep getting really angry that I can’t have things happen that a more well person, someone who’s been okish, ok enough could have had like a career, relationships, friendships, achievements, I dunno, travel, err there’s lots of things isn’t there. I’ve literally lived in survival mode my entire adult life not knowing what the fuck was hitting me all the time, I didn’t know what was happening or why. 

So why am I getting angry now? Well, I thing my brain reconstruction process is in pretty good shape right now, best it’s been in a very long time, possibly ever which is great & a cause for great joy & for feeling very very proud & pleased that I’ve achieved that against such greats odds…… & I do think that feeling is there, it’s just partially obscured by this anger & trauma & loss about how much I missed out. Just bare with me, I’ve got to process it my way, I know people want to just say focus on the positive, the present, the future, don’t look back in anger or whatever but I’m raking it over to try to make sense & release some of it, Its just my process I guess. Certainly just a year ago I didn’t have the brain capacity to process anything other than am I having a good day & how to try to stay ok or a bad day & how best to triage that. 

I’ve been locked in my room on my own feeling crazy for all these different parts of my life, so many, long bipolar lows mainly but also for the 8 years after the Psychiatrist misdiagnosed/failed to diagnose me in 2008 I now know I was massively brain damaged at that time & at that actual appointment, which is why I couldn’t explain what I was experiencing to him. His misdiagnosis essentially put me & kept me in the house not knowing why my brain was broken or even that it was for nearly another decade of confusion. I had already given up alcohol, as i realised I couldn’t be trusted with it but that was my social anxiety buffer removed with nothing to replace it. 

It was just so baffling, probably since that first brain damage of the first Bipolar high & crash at 18. No, damn it……I felt brain damaged much earlier, I had over the top rage attacks as a child I don’t know when that started but it was still happening at 13/14 when I quit eating for 6 months. And as I went amongst it all as a teen & got into alcohol these merged into dangerous rage triggered by jealousy over boys, even physically attacking other girls - impulse control had left the building already…. this is how I left school at 17 with next to no qualifications. I hadn’t been able to concentrate on schoolwork for years, since about 12 is how I remember it. (there’s a real ADHD vibe about this period)

Bipolar highs definitely cause brain damage in & of themselves & the crash to low is completely surreal & feels like my nervous system completely disintegrating. Short term memory is decimated, as well as decision making & impulse control etc. I’ve heard PTSD be describe like Alzheimer’s & both my kids will verify how badly like Alzheimer’s I was post crash 2016 & now looking back I can start to see & appreciate the other times that I was left with this Alzheimer’s brain & the slow crawl back or else the resorting to extreme behaviour to get some respite & relief from the feeling of being disarranged cognitively as well as emotionally dysregulated by minutiae. 

Currently listing to Binaural Beats Deep Theta & it’s simply the most healing thing I’ve done in a long time for my nervous system 💜💜💜 Someone reminded me about them recently🙏 I used Binaural Beats for years between 2006-2015 but I invariably had no working headphones so I just had it on in the room which I think is not so good - that’s how poor I was financially before the disability benefits i got 2017 post diagnosis, I could not afford headphones. I was 50 & I couldn’t afford headphones, what can I say.