I’m really quite physically fit, fitter than I’ve ever been amazingly but over 50 I do accept that my tummy is now doing it’s own thing to quite a large degree now…. Unconnected to exercise or calorific intake…. just off in its own apparently…. lol
No it’s lovely 🥰 I’ve worked really hard to achieve even this & it’s lovely…… Gratuitous bikini pix to you.
If you’ve suffered severe mental health problems & you make it past 40 you’ve done so amazingly well - the stats are clear…. My imaginary autobiography would be called “I shouldn’t really be here”. If you add up the life years lost to each of my conditions it adds up, using the max stat for each condition to exaggerate for effect…… to almost all of my mad massive 55 years that I’ve achieved
ADHD loses you between 11-13 yrs of life when still active in adulthood, with women disproportionately more likely to die from accident….(that’s very ADD)
BPD = a risk of 15-20 yrs lost and Bipolar 1 can lose you 11-20 from the average life expectancy.
I know that’s a overdramatic way of viewing it but I’ve used it for affect…. The overall average for severe mental illness is about 10 yrs lost….but it’s the quality of life lost thats the real disaster for all mental illness imo…..the suffering, the loneliness, the low self esteem…. that’s what’s really tough…..be kind to yourself for gods sake & practice having your own back for when no one else does. 💜🙌
So I watched this & it got me sparking so I thought I’d share: Trauma, Shame & Being Enough
So Patti & I agree that within all so called Mental Illness is brain & nervous system dysfunction caused by some kind of trauma, a maladaptive response to stress &/or insurmountable stress.
Then I’d like to add Dr Amens thoughts about general anaesthetic, sedation & even local anaesthetic & then also head injury from accident or sports contributing to long term mental illness structurally via direct hardware brain/nervous system injury.
*Then theres the obvious systemic inflammation from poor diet, food sensitivities & ready irritants like alcohol & drugs both legal & illegal (with exclusions in both those latter categories for some people eg CBD seems especially helpful across the board) confounding the nervous system particularly during childhood & adolescence reeking havoc on susceptible developing physiologies*
But I have the question….. what is the difference between a robust nervous system that can withstand endless insults of a range of types without developing a serious longterm fault or which recovers its prior function relatively swiftly & easily & one that simply does not or cannot.
We used to call it a constitutionally highly strung type because of course, the more sensitive someone is the more likely to spiral into increasing mental illness, that is; nervous system dysfunction, when faced with overwhelming stress or psychological insult. But the nurture aspect is crucial too. Support, genuine unconditional, family, community, friendship support can make or break a nervous system, I have no doubt, just as negative experiences in family or community can condemn us to a worse life.
Like attracts like, of this i'm sure. My social circles in the past largely ended up with diagnoses or early death from Substance Use Disorders, old world alcoholism & drug addiction, that the vile Right Wing press would still have you believe is a weakness of character & not trying hard enough rather than what it is; the surface expression & attempted suppression of the symptoms of serious Nervous System Dysfunction. The eventual diagnoses or self diagnoses have all been, across the board, the most helpful thing for all of these people.
Patti's Talk I think is a worthy discussion for those who have had a single intense period of breakdown after really being predominantly functional, but it needs to be known that these bouncing back robust types have perhaps not suffered insurmountable psychological or physical adversity without adequate support.
For those of us with long term ongoing nervous system dysfunction, there is for sure something of use for us in this talk, but id like to see the difference in these 2 groups discussed more frequently & deeply to help us find more answers for all.
Natal Moon Square Mercury, I have this aspect - I also have Venus Square Moon to add insult to injury….don’t get me started on all my Venus oppositions, that lot alone results in a pretty clear depiction of BPD imho.
If you don’t like or believe in Astrology please just suspend your judgement temporarily for the sake of discursive entertainment & try to appreciate it as a bunch of well meaning Empaths reading the equivalent of feely tealeaves in the star canopy over millennia providing us with an idealogical skeleton which allows us to self directly dabble in a solo person centred therapy lucky dip.
I like Astrology as a self development tool to dig around & gain insight. Some aspects won’t resonate strongly but when one does resonate with your current experience it can grant you a key to unlock a psychological door which otherwise may be missed. For example I only clocked that I had this aspect when I noticed my favourite person has it & I was looking at how it might play out for them
I’d say we have an opposite dominance with this aspect (me & thee) I reckon I’d be Mercury dominant in this aspect as I’ve got Mercury in the 1st house of visible self, conjunct Venus in Pisces, I’m Pisces rising & fundamentally 12th house Pisces Sun….. but Gemini Moon makes that a kind of psychic swap shop of energies if I was appraising the positive, due to the mental nature of Gemini & the slippery ephemeral non physical nature of Pisces but I acknowledge the square energy, a blockage, a deflection, not flowing……. It’s my unwillingness to communicate, even just playing around with anything creatively, which being mainly a musician if I had to nail my colours to any professional mast, is pretty crushing.
That was a very dynamic statement wasn’t it. That brings me to that I’ve been wanting to share that I kind of did a reconnaissance mission of *all* my favourite comedians in the spring….. on my own….. i never went to sit down shows before, I always hated being stuck in a seat (ADHD much) I couldn’t afford tickets, never had a working vehicle, no one to go with (adversity much) social phobia, acrophobia, GAD, no support but Ive been building up to it gradually & Isochronic Tones Therapy really helps me.
I did it as an exercise in stoicism & I was great, i was really great, I grew some, I learned stuff, unfortunately I had a childish kind of myopic experience in regards to other people in their pairs in which I was not, & it kind of reinforced for me how difficult pairs are or could be out in the heightened scrutiny of the public zone….. but that’s another story….
I’m deeply attracted to comedy as an transformational art form, although I’m not personally built for doing it, I don’t think, unfortunately. Its Shamanic healing capacity so distinct with its instantaneous affect on neurotransmitters & im sure, brainwave frequency (oh I’d like to find out about that)
I’ve heard Eddie Izzard say that the unwritten rule in comedy is that you can only truly mock in good conscience that which you are or that you suffer….. so my potential to explore the myriad, ephemeral realms of Neurodiversity & my own experience of *so very many* Severe Mental Illness’s is a waste of good material tbh with a very well defined self selecting audience. Oh my, dissociation & paranoia jokes incoming…… or are they? 😅😂
Stewart Lee did a brilliant dramatic small section on aggressive intrusive thoughts late on in his Snowflake Tornado show, I loved it but I did not feel that that many members of the audience reacted as if they had direct first hand experience of what he was describing, which I do…. I appreciated that so much. I’ve felt such an outcast with my mental health, I appreciate that inclusion, that exposure so much.
I am deeply struck & moved by Stewart Lee saying on stage “I still don’t know what this is” about his craft as a whole and/or maybe also about his particularly unique & extraordinary version of it. I can really feel that statement, it’s like a moment of merging with the divine by pointing at it but then allowing it to be undefinable, uncontainable, it’s both a tantric comedy moment when he says it & a genuine description of the tantric potential of comedy.
Just as my imaginary music album has a name, and an Astro name at that, see a much earlier post, my imaginary comedy show would be called “I just wish I’d charged” see more recent posts 😅😂🤣 oh I’ll give it away 🤭 ….. it’s a Hypersexuality related title there that is….. for those that wonder.
Not all those that wonder remain lost. But those that wander may wonder realistically why not.
Anyway
Here’s a couple of stolen astro graphics re Moon Square Mercury
Here is a really thorough review of the benefits of Red Light Therapy particularly regarding brain health but bear in mind that these guys make devices so it leans a bit towards sales speak & somewhat glorified interpretations of research but skimming through I cannot argue with it much except that, as with most natural therapies, getting proper extensive research done is nigh impossible if it’s going to detract from Big Pharma profit & if you read the possible list of benefits, like natural Progesterone- some unpatentable things just help too many lucrative conditions.
Also, as I said, Sunlight is the real healer. Warmth & Light from the Sun, if your climate & emotional psychological disposition permits, otherwise this therapy might help you get out there.
So all the credit here goes to Jason Lewis, the man behind the music of ‘Mend Amend’ - find a massive catalog free to use on YouTube with beautiful graphics or stream on all the usual streaming services. Obviously there are others but currently, for me, MindAmend has it all. Here is his entirely extraordinary YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/c/MindAmend & here is his Website for purchases https://www.mindamend.com/
My god these things have become the love of my life, yes there are times when they don’t help but actually they are few & far between- the relief is still mostly whilst I’m using them but I feel that this will be gradually accumulative & as is the main rational behind some medication I am convinced that time spent being well & functional encourages further stabilisation of & establishment of those brain states of being well & functional. Just as time spent being unsupported in mental disorganisation &/or emotionally dsyregulated reinforces that. Anxiety, generally speaking still down to a decent 1/2 out of 10 from a previous daily without trigger 7/8 out if 10 - if this is the only change I’d still think it’s a wonder but I know there is much much more to gain.
I’m using the Schumann Resonance ones a lot - this is the speed of the Earths own frequency on the borderline of calm Theta to ‘work a day’ Alpha at 7.83hz - SR is my go to calm but alert tone & it totally enhances time spent in nature, deepening the sense of connection & experiential involvement as part of nature. My home base tone.
When I wake up too early & get unwanted premature surges of cortisol I go to Theta around 5.5hz & if I don’t get back to sleep at least I am not being tortured by cortisol induced pain & panic type thinking - so that’s a huge win, a huge asset to better sleep or at least a meditative calm alternative.
I have come to rely on the Complex Tasks isochronic tones sets, wait for it……...to cope with doing the dishes & making lunch 🤣……yes……tasks that many take for granted have always brought anxiety creating disorganisation & stress for me…… it’s so embarrassing but once I begin something like this my brain shoots off in 10 other directions & it takes a massive amount of patience & self forgiveness to complete this basic task without starting to glue up my wellies or organise the recycling after I’ve put the eggs on…..
Finally, an honourable mention to the ADD/ADHD Intense Relief tones where he essentially de-emotionsalises the brain by speeding up the rational left brain higher than the creative/emotional right side - I think it’s like brain gym, like practicing rationality from a purely mechanical, anatomical, functional direction. I think it’s wonderful & these ones can bring me out of a funk sometimes. Usually being in nature with Schumann Resonance is the way to go for low mood though.
I achieved some, for me extremely complex tasks to do with music technology reasonably sensibly with the help of one of the Peak Focus tone sets. Jason has even inspired me to go electric as a previously confirmed acoustic musician….. I now have a Synth, prepped an Isochronic tone backing track of my own & opened GarageBand for the first time in 15 yrs…. 😄 - wires, leads, I dealt with those at length without a panic attack. I call that a real win. 😅
The current trend in Anti-Aging Red Light & Near Infared Therapy devices got me curious about its cell metabolism increasing capacity in the brain & sure enough the research throws up that trials for PTSD & TBI have shows some benefits. Also for Fibromyalgia for my daughter, which slows metabolism prematurely, a bit like aging too soon….. Anyhow, I’ve been working with a red light nir box for a few weeks now & I love it & I think combined with the insight building of psychotherapy/talk therapy of your choice, I feel the combination would be a real winner in natural treatment of severe mental illnesses.
The query I get is, in what way is this not just a remedy for not enough sunlight…… I’ve loved my light box during grey rainy UK May & it cheers me up & gets me going when it’s chilly but I fail to see how in a warmer climate this would be needed unless the person refuses or is otherwise unable to leave the house, then this could help mimic the sun on your head, stimulating increased cellular atp activity & increasing cell metabolism etc.
I get it for anti aging, in a way, as full spectrum sun is perceived as very aging but surely with sunblock & covering up etc you would still absorb lots of NIR as well as FIR light through your clothes producing the same healthy cellular stimulation. That’s my only query.
So anyway, I love my box & all the benefits I’ve felt from using it so far & yes my skin on my face looks fab imho, definitely enough change there to keep me interested but it’s the affect on my body that’s so fantastic- I feel more energetic, more toned, more enlivened & more positive since using the light box.
My one is not a huge box, it’s a 300w tilting unit by a company called Helios that I rotate body parts towards in the bathroom in the morning, especially sore muscles - I totally recommend this therapy device or a bigger one for people stuck in the house with mental illness or in the more light deprived countries. It’s extremely bright, brighter than the face mask types which cost twice the price for a third of the power per cm2 at a foot away. I wear eye protection or exercise great caution with it as it can cause a painful glare sensation.
A word of warning, I have to say this, just like sunshine, it significantly increases hormonal activity throughout your endocrine system indeed some users use it for this Testosterone boosting, sexual dysfunction restorative capacity - it also increases Melatonin too which is your sleep hormone & a master antioxidant & anti inflammatory agent. I love it but having struggled with Hypersexuality as many BPD & Bipolar people do as part of their illness I am enormously careful with it…… but it’s marvellous 😄🤭😉
Isochronic Tones are the newest kids on the block in the world of brain wave entrainment. They can help you to deeply meditate, relax, feel awesome and expand your consciousness - quickly
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Binaural beats have been around for decades. Single toned isochronics are fresh off the street! I've been using them intensely for 4 months and the results are *very* promising. I'm experiencing stronger, faster and more enjoyable effects than with binaurals.
A year ago no one had heard of isochronic tones, and now everyone and their grandmother are calling them everything from the "strongest BWE technology ever" to (my favourite) "binaural beats on steroids".
This article will:
-introduce you to binaural beats' cooler cousin -explain the differences between the two -detail the benefits you will get from using isochronics -help you make your mind up whether to try them out -and point you in the right direction.
A Quick Recap
In case you're new here (welcome!), I'll do a 10 second roundup:
Isochronic tones are a form of brain wave entrainment. This means that you use isochronic tones as a way to entrain your brain waves (which means to have them all working in the same way, for example slowed down to the slow, low levels of alpha brain waves).
The benefits of this are varied – you can expect anything from a sense of deep relaxation and peace; to increased happiness and creativity; to vivid visualizations and *big* ideas.
They are lots of fun, totally rejuvenating and don't require much skill to use (i.e. lay down and put headphones in. If you can manage that, you're on your way.
Oh, if you're lucky (or practice) you'll also soon be reaching a state of hemispheric or brainwave synchronization. This is what Zen meditators struggle to achieve for years, and perhaps is best described as a sense of 'total connectedness with the universe'. It's pretty hard to describe, but it feels pretty awesome and kind of awe-inspiring at times.
(Read this article for *all* the juicy details on this "peak performance" state)
There has been lots of research and studies done which show that binaural beats and other forms of brain wave entrainment (BWE) increase the production of 'good' chemicals in the body, reduce the output of 'bad' chemicals, decrease anxiety, increase well-being and lots more. If you haven't had a look at this binaural beats research I'd highly recommend you check it out.
These are some of the main reasons that people like to use binaural beats and other forms of BWE. Now we'll look at what makes isochronics unique.
Isochronic tones are a fast and effective audio-based way to stimulate your brain. Among many of the benefits, they can help improve focus, relaxation, energy levels, sleep and more, without taking drugs or needing any special equipment.
What isochronic tones essentially do, is guide your dominant brainwave activity to a different frequency while you are listening to them, allowing you to influence and change your mental state and how you feel.
The effects can be felt within a few minutes and all you literally have to do is click play and listen.
What You Need to Know About Isochronic Tones
You may have heard of binaural beats which are similar, but an older method of stimulating your brain. In this in-depth article you will discover:
The key benefits of isochronic tones and how they work
How isochronic tones are different and more effective than binaural beats
How different tone/beat frequencies affect your mental state and the way you feel
What frequencies do what, and what to look out for
Are isochronic tones as effective when combined with music?
How to use isochronic tones effectively and how long the effects last for
Any potential safety concerns or side effects
Isochronic tones and binaural beats research and where to find it
(Some big successes as well actually, see below) Small personal success, I’ve got the paddle board on the van on soft bars on my own….. this means I can take the kayak on the van if I get help loading & unloading…. For some reason I thought the van roof was somehow concave or convex or wtv in my mind….. it’s not, it’s flat…..duh…. (It is curved inside though …. Lol) So pleased - essentially I can take both water vehicles out on same trip too, again with help loading…. So exciting!
I’ve definitely had & am having progress with my overall mental health, it seems to be from the Isochronic Tones, I’m definitely less emotionally reactive (from BPD) over small things which is awesome …. & also I’ve been doing what I call practical technical things that I find really hard to focus on (from ADD) finding some of these things somewhat easier to do so woo 😄 hula hula 🥰
And that’s not even the biggest winner, I credit Isochronic Tones (plus some other Binaural Beats, ADHD specific ones) with a whopping reduction in anxiety from always being more than 6/7 out of 10 to having a baseline 0/2 out of 10 most of the time with also considerably less of an excruciating stress rise when I’m triggered…. To say I’m delighted does not cover it….I’ve suffered constant painful anxiety for years, decades….the longest time.
I found this comment about ADHD anxiety being different from Anxiety Disorders, having different underpinings….Hopefully I will properly research the difference between GAD & ADHD Anxiety at some point but for now this comment rings true.
Also I’ve dropped my anti-anxiety herb Skullcap & replaced with some ADHD herbs which have different actions in the brain/nervous system (Bacopa & Gingko) so I will include them as being part of this positive shift that I’m in.
The research on Binaural Beats & Iso Tones does not recommend it for those with Severe Mental Illness, that’s a disclaimer that you can take that with a pinch of salt if you’ve ever been screwed around with by mainstream medicine for MH reasons & suffered, which is nearly everyone & if you are ready to take responsibility for being conscious of trusting your perception of how things affect you then this is absolutely for you.
All natural alternative health things have the bare minimum of research because the big money for research is tied up with big profit pharmaceuticals. But you knew that.
This is the one I love, the one i'm playing lots atm - I have it on headphones first thing when I wake up for an hour to try to create a new habit of waking up calm & not letting getting high cortisol/ bit frantic win, which happens really really easily for me. For years/decades waking up already having a panic attack was my normal so this is an experimental resetting of my amygdala to a healthy baseline. Y'know, to create try & create a new nervous system habit. Also, working out with weights (not very heavy) is helping a lot I think & I so like being stronger, feeling stronger when bad or difficult events happen, I have felt more capable/less vulnerable, its hard to describe, I used to get hurt really easily, trap my sciatic nerve, hurt my back, get a neck headache but the more active I am the less these easily these happen ... I think its helping my nervous system too but I don't know why. I just need more hugs now & I'd nearly be like a normal well person lol well some of the time at least - oh oxytocin I miss you so much 😅😉💞
****Oooh bizarrely in the ‘about this video’ section on YouTube it has a beware for ADHD! How strange when I find it sooooo relaxing - so anyway I’ve found a ‘recommended for ADHD’ one as well which I also really like - I don’t understand why this one the one flow is problematic when it’s so calming but the faster one below is definitely really good for achieving stuff I’ve noticed…… ahahah
A screen grab looking at the co-morbidity & genetic overlaps
SUD is substance use disorder - while I’m loooong time clean of alcohol & even longer of anything else.…. I had a month off nicotine at the end of last year which felt so brilliant & amazing but I buckled at a major trigger….. so I’m back on the weakest nicotine, 1% in pure VG vape that I make up myself……. I’d say it’s definitely 95% better than smoking for someone like me with long long term addictive tendencies
It’s what it is.
(I will re-do this post properly in a bit with some links to research articles etc)
Feeling really sorry for myself - I’ve had a really tough week, really really hard with a lot of stress. Had the best help from binaural beats which has been so good at taking me out of sympathetic nervous system hijack really fast.
I’m still feeling very glad I’ve a fuller picture of what’s been so wrong with me, for sooooooooooo long but at the same time I feel really dejected & sorry for myself & like, when you add the definate PTSD I had post high 2016 - I had this random voice shouting at me out of nowhere in my head really loud, like attacking me, it was the weirdest thing……when I told a community support worker she said that was a lesser known but still classic PTSD symptom, like visual flashbacks are very well known but audio violent ‘hallucinations’ less well known……I thought it was just intrusive thoughts but it was very particularly aggressive……it’s like unconscious mind is trying to give the clue…. “You’re shocked, like THIS”
So yes, when you add at least one bout of PTSD (there have been more episodes though, from sexual assualts etc) you can take or leave GAD really at this point as it just indicates an almost permanent state of sympathetic nervous system arousal, that’s still a quad of co-morbidities. Yikes.
I feel like the most diagnosed person in town now or the maddest witch in the west…… the good thing, the best thing is that I feel I can blame my family even less than I did, which wasn’t much tbf, as the genetics of ADHD is majorly heritable (also genetic overlaps strong for BPD as well as Bipolar) & I’ve seen my mum especially exhibiting, really, the inattentive version & it does answer a lot of questions re: my dad now too……. How could anyone expect them to notice my atypical ADD presentation as a somewhat introverted child……
Sorry about all the dots……they comfort me…….
Bit of a weird photo, I had just had 3 days of intense stress & had managed some pretty generous equilibrium at this point, but the pain still shows I think, also it was dusk so I think a longer exposure than when brighter….. anyway this is me knowing that bit more about myself……. it does all help, every jigsaw piece, knowledge is power…… adult ADHD is really common, a 8-9% occurrence I think….. in some ways it’s gonna be the easier part of my picture to impact……I mean I’ve started loads of organisation type things for all the chaos that I’ve been trying to live amongst…… things that have troubled me for ages, years, the why, why can’t I concentrate on that, why is it so hard to do basic things….. self diagnosing has given me permission for it to feel hard, really hard & to grasp that doing it is even more worth while for my brain than for other types of brain….
The sensory component, the problems with sound & the feel of clothing, it always felt a bit autistic but adhd covers that well…… I think I’ve mentioned these before… I have to wear noise cancelling head phones if there is certain types of sound in order to be outside in my own garden….easily overwhelmed by sound etc …..
Me proving that Seinheiser headphones & badly worn baseball caps are indeed sex aids….
I’m sorry 😂 now my greatly long suspected neurodiversity is out of the bag please don’t imagine I’m going to hold any of my innate weirdness back now 😂💗🙌💜💗
Actually feeling better for expressing myself now x 🤓
Ive been using this for a few days now & I think its like taking Valium without any side effects or come down, although i've never taken one so how would I know......... First time I used it I basically passed out on the floor & it was the first time in I can't remember how long that the felt sense of anxiety sensation I have constantly down my spine in my upper back & shoulders, vagus nerve pain/contraction/constriction/agitation - completely disappeared - so thats pretty wow!
I mean it comes back terrifically easily when something triggers me, like the dogs go off or wtv - I think i've got Trauma bonding with the dogs..... seriously its been a nightmare. Maybe not trauma bonding, maybe just a vicious circle of us all having easily aroused nervous systems & not being able to break it. Wtv. So painful.
Bizarrely I do see getting the dogs when I did as a monumental act of self sabotage that saved my life..... the story of my life...... a contradiction in terms........nothing is clear........its all obscured by confusion or it has been very much so until maybe now, maybe getting less so now, I hope so.
Also this is one now a favourite too :)
Along with the Sukie Baxter's PolyVagal material, these are all having profound effects on me atm......it just makes me think about cultures that prioritise massage or other touch in an easy to access community sense or wtv & that if everyone was able to afford therapy as well (eg free co-counselling swap) the wellness ratio of the general population would absolutely skyrocket........instead in the West we've got Dopamine Nation: TV, prickly social media, porn, gambling, gaming & alcohol/drugs instead to distract us from the entirely constructed slope of a financial playing field that the GlobalElite have created for us to live our lives out on where 'everything' ends up in the ownership of the very very few...... nobody can win at that...... nobody, well maybe just psychopaths & sociopaths, but only because the world has been created in their own images.........Hmmm.
(I just spotted a quasi autistic word jumble I did there but I like it so much im gonna keep it :)
I was talking with my wonderful, awesome daughter in law who has late diagnosed ADHD very recently at 33, about how angry I’ve been feeling & she told me that late diagnosis trauma is an actual recognised thing in mental health….. it’s ‘what could have been pain’….. yep that’s part of what’s been going on definitely, I keep getting really angry that I can’t have things happen that a more well person, someone who’s been okish, ok enough could have had like a career, relationships, friendships, achievements, I dunno, travel, err there’s lots of things isn’t there. I’ve literally lived in survival mode my entire adult life not knowing what the fuck was hitting me all the time, I didn’t know what was happening or why.
So why am I getting angry now? Well, I thing my brain reconstruction process is in pretty good shape right now, best it’s been in a very long time, possibly ever which is great & a cause for great joy & for feeling very very proud & pleased that I’ve achieved that against such greats odds…… & I do think that feeling is there, it’s just partially obscured by this anger & trauma & loss about how much I missed out. Just bare with me, I’ve got to process it my way, I know people want to just say focus on the positive, the present, the future, don’t look back in anger or whatever but I’m raking it over to try to make sense & release some of it, Its just my process I guess. Certainly just a year ago I didn’t have the brain capacity to process anything other than am I having a good day & how to try to stay ok or a bad day & how best to triage that.
I’ve been locked in my room on my own feeling crazy for all these different parts of my life, so many, long bipolar lows mainly but also for the 8 years after the Psychiatrist misdiagnosed/failed to diagnose me in 2008 I now know I was massively brain damaged at that time & at that actual appointment, which is why I couldn’t explain what I was experiencing to him. His misdiagnosis essentially put me & kept me in the house not knowing why my brain was broken or even that it was for nearly another decade of confusion. I had already given up alcohol, as i realised I couldn’t be trusted with it but that was my social anxiety buffer removed with nothing to replace it.
It was just so baffling, probably since that first brain damage of the first Bipolar high & crash at 18. No, damn it……I felt brain damaged much earlier, I had over the top rage attacks as a child I don’t know when that started but it was still happening at 13/14 when I quit eating for 6 months. And as I went amongst it all as a teen & got into alcohol these merged into dangerous rage triggered by jealousy over boys, even physically attacking other girls - impulse control had left the building already…. this is how I left school at 17 with next to no qualifications. I hadn’t been able to concentrate on schoolwork for years, since about 12 is how I remember it. (there’s a real ADHD vibe about this period)
Bipolar highs definitely cause brain damage in & of themselves & the crash to low is completely surreal & feels like my nervous system completely disintegrating. Short term memory is decimated, as well as decision making & impulse control etc. I’ve heard PTSD be describe like Alzheimer’s & both my kids will verify how badly like Alzheimer’s I was post crash 2016 & now looking back I can start to see & appreciate the other times that I was left with this Alzheimer’s brain & the slow crawl back or else the resorting to extreme behaviour to get some respite & relief from the feeling of being disarranged cognitively as well as emotionally dysregulated by minutiae.
Currently listing to Binaural Beats Deep Theta & it’s simply the most healing thing I’ve done in a long time for my nervous system 💜💜💜 Someone reminded me about them recently🙏 I used Binaural Beats for years between 2006-2015 but I invariably had no working headphones so I just had it on in the room which I think is not so good - that’s how poor I was financially before the disability benefits i got 2017 post diagnosis, I could not afford headphones. I was 50 & I couldn’t afford headphones, what can I say.
I just want to push this channel again. Subscribe subscribe! This is such awesome material dealing with PTSD, cPTSD, GAD, anxiety, nervous breakdown & bipolar muscular tension issues - releasing body held trauma with movements based on PolyVagal Theory.
“Going slow is going fast” once you get that it falls into place really nicely - wonderful stuff , so helpful, so calming, so relaxing 💜💜💜
I've just found Sukie & love her wonderful healing resource YouTube Channel - here are some powerful anti-anxiety exercises anybody can easily learn/do. Im finding them extremely useful.
I'm particularly glad to find someone talking about the 'physiology first' nervous system dysfunction that I experience as opposed to the 'mental first' anxiety that gets talked about so much. The 'mind over matter' school usually has pre-eminence in the Patriarchic mindset.
I see & personally experience a massive distinction between a direct nervous system response in a dysfunctionally baselined Parasympathetic Nervous System & anxiety created from actively worrying about something. In my experience they are largely different things with some area of overlap, so the remedy for each would necessarily be quite different. I think they mutually contribute to eachother but in a healthy nervous system that returns easily to a functionally appropriate baseline state - its a different ballgame.
Obviously, once my physiology is caught in a habitual GAD response my mind can & does take off with it & run wild if I let it, but its the physical response that predominantly needs to be tamed imo.
I find it funny that as a young woman I heard that Menopause very commonly was a cause of Anxiety, immediately i assumed this to be a mental thing. Of course there may be a mental element as well for some people. but, in my own experience, it is a purely physical, biochemical, physiological change, as if the loss of hormones has downgraded my nervous systems capacity to tolerate stress.
To be fair my nervous system was already pretty broken pre menopause, but menopause was like removing the brakes from my physiological anxiety. Bio ID Progesterone does help. But physically releasing the Vagus nerve with cold water & exercises like these are definitely the way ahead & completely free!
In this fascinating video Russell Brand & the author of "Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, psychiatrist Dr. Anna Lembke" discuss how even relatively low Dopamine surges demand brain chemistry to self correct pretty swiftly causing a slight low. This is a general human response, as in everyone will experience this although i'm aware that as a Bipolar 1 sufferer i'm probably more experientially knowledgeable re: high & low dopamine at very extreme levels than a lot of people.
I had various degrees of Anorexia throughout roughly 2002-2008, some poverty related but much related to my Emotional Dysregulation that I now know to have been undiagnosed BPD plus BP1 - I was very very conscious at that time that i desperately needed Oxytocin, I was in the aftermath of a bad relationship break up but also a very disorientating Bipolar high (I was undiagnosed ) - I remember I used to fantasise about having my hair brushed by kind women friends which is terrifically emblematic of Oxytocin production to my mind, but I was suffering such a serious Bipolar depression by that point that I was not able to muster the strength to get any help.
I was always researching natural health & I found that Oxytocin was in development as a pain relieving, mood improving, anti anxiety medicine at that time, 2004 ish - I did not have a pet yet, a really top valuable Oxytocin provider. Singing in a group & along with music is also another well known way to get 'free' Oxytocin. But I was single & having drunken one night stands in a desperate bid for Oxytocin but to no avail. You get masses of exciting Dopamine but without that lovely cuddle hormone to soften the drop.
In fact i'd go so far as to say I don't think you can make Oxytocin from casual sex when you are drunk, which is why you might feel uncomfortable when you next see the person rather then warmly fond..... that's just my personal observation. If i'm correct, that makes that kind of sex much more expensive in terms of problematic brain chemistry (see video above) than sex in a trusted pair bond scenario. (i'm open to this maybe being a bit different for some intrinsically polyamorous types; assume naturally high Oxytocin status?)
Just to clarify, the following is not about people who have an innately strong Oxytocin supply naturally. That is they do not suffer from any of the mental health issues mentioned, get over break ups with relative ease, feel naturally welcome in life generally, for want of a better description. I know because I don't so easily get these things up & running..... its a huge conscious effort for me.
One further point I want to insert here is that naturally occurring post-birth Oxytocin & indeed any pair bond Oxytocin famously can bring with it an increased sense of a spiritual dimension to life, I guess coming in via the feelings of safety, connectedness, oneness pointing the self towards an increased sense of an overarching cosmic consciousness. Which is lovely & a bit magical.
I tried to find research on the down side of supplemental Oxytocin & whilst there seemed to be only a positive response in sufferers of serious nervous system dysfunction; PTSD, Anxiety, ASD, ADHD, eating disorders etc, 'well' people in the research could suffer the unwanted side affect of increased empathy to the subtle emotional signalling of strangers/acquaintances, potentially resulting in unnecessary intense emotional reactions. (This last bit makes me think that BPD might included a particular hyper sensitivity to Oxytocin or the absence of or problems with creating it in some way)
It seems to me to be beyond obvious that we should trial supplemental nasal spray Oxytocin in the deemed largely 'untreatable' Anti-Social Personality Disorder/Sociopathy/Psychopathy & Narcissistic Personality Disorder cohort. These disorders all suffer from a basic, deep seated lack of empathy, resulting in huge problems in life & relationships. Maybe its been done. I hope so.
It seems pretty obvious that unimpeded Oxytocin production during childhood, the steady feeling of belonging in a family, in a community, being physically comforted when you need to etc etc powerfully lays a framework for nervous system wellness in later life & that Physical & Psychological trauma interferes with Oxytocin production among other things, of that there is no doubt.
I find this subject absolutely fascinating. It accounts for why, for myself, casual relationships, one night stands are innately painful in a way that's really hard to describe. I think that making love without making Oxytocin requires the participants to be 'out of it' in some way, so with a blunted awareness of the lowering of boundaries & self consciousness, vulnerability etc hence why inhibition removing alcohol is a drug of choice wherever very casual sex is lauded as a very casual pastime.
I haven't so much as had my hand held romantically for over a decade..... that's quite extreme isn't it. I've had one serious 2 year relationship since I gave up alcohol in 2007 & zero casual hook ups...... the reason is within the statement I think.
In my defence I was undiagnosed, actively misdiagnosed as not having Bipolar in fact & yet knew absolutely there was something seriously wrong with me for the longest time. My dating aversion has been as much to protect others from my emotional dysregulation as it has been to protect myself from triggers. Unfortunately, my best efforts at close friends were also smited by undiagnosed BPD elements that I did not understand at all & was immensely frustrated by too.
So happy to now know what's wrong with me, so happy to be working on myself & being my own wellness project - Happy Valentines Day 💜 (for tomorrow)
I could not be without this supplement- read this article if you suffer from any chronic mental illness also any chronic pain condition too. Of course there are limited studies, big pharma cannot patent it or profit from it & it would safely replace many of their highly lucrative more dangerous alternatives.
DLPA (DL-phenylalinine) is a more bioavailable form of the essential amino acid phenylalanine. Phenylalanine is one of the 9 essential amino acids, meaning it is not made in the body and must be obtained from outside sources.
Many people take DLPA as a nootropic supplement for:
Mood Mental Sharpness
Pain Relief
There are plenty of reports that DLPA can improve cognition and general feelings of wellbeing, and there is some clinical evidence that backs up these claims.
DLPA is made from combining D-phenylalanine and L-phenylalanine. D- and L-phenylalanine are isomers, meaning they are mirror images of one another. L-phenylalanine is found naturally, while D-phenylalanine must be synthesized in a laboratory.
DLPA, then, is both of these isomers combined into one substance. It provides the best of both worlds. Phenylalanine is a precursor for tyrosine, dopamine, norepinephrine, and epinephrine, and the skin pigment melanin. By affecting these systems, DLPA can have various nootropic and health effects.
Both my dogs are somewhat unwell at the moment but especially little Dylan & I’m really worried about how I will cope with them dying as they are getting on a bit now…… also it’s so hard being woken up at night, it’s so bad for BPD/Bipolar sufferers to have bad night after bad night, it’s so hard to get my Cortisol & Adrenaline under control when the dogs wake me in the night. They are almost my entire support system at the same time as being actually really difficult & problematic, mostly due to breed. Though we’ve had some good progress with behaviour of late, not least helped by Conny wearing a harness to make him a bit more manageable & because I’m more confident when we see other people (he can no longer slip his collar, the rogue that he is) it seems to go better. But yes, poorly animals are nearly as stressful, probably are as stressful as having poorly children. 😣
