On Dopamine Video too (a bit but not entirely)

I just watched the video I posted with the last blog & realised that my writing did not really relate that greatly to the content….. their conversation just inspired that whole thought in me re Oxytocin from the very beginning when she talked about a mysterious spiritual element commonly occurring that enables the first putting down of addictions for some/many people. It struck me that people able to increase their feeling of at oneness with another person, a group of people, a place, an animal, family, community etc, the more that is developed the more regulated your oxytocin will be & the more overall contentment you may be able to access. Sure there’s other psychological needs like status & I dunno, having kids or whatever too but those mentioned above cover a very wide vector of well-being.

The discipline element, self control, delayed gratification capacity that they mention was described as a strengthened linkage between the old emotional limbic brain and the evolutionarily newer pre frontal cortex. This link &/or pre frontal cortex are areas where I have brain damage from, I think mainly from my untreated Bipolar episodes (though Anorexia terrible awful for everything) My first recollection of a crash from a high or possibly hyper mania was at the age of 18. I don’t remember the high, that actually figures now I’ve had a more conscious experience of mania…. I just know I was very busy, very scattered, prone to unexpected emotional outbursts, that’s all I remember but the crash that first crash was like being killed. 

I remember waking up in bed completely unable to think or move or speak, I don’t remember being in pain but I bet I had the same nervous system pain that I have described when I crashed from my last big high in 2015/16, only I’d managed to be less conscious of it somehow, a kind of numbness. Unfortunately in this incredibly vulnerable state….. so hard to say this……my boyfriend had sex with me, I was unable to speak…… I guess that’s kind of unintentional assault because I did not/could not consent & was unable to brook much opposition as my body was so weird & weak. It was unpleasant. I love sex & fancied my boyfriend a lot but I found it unpleasant. Why do men find numb lifelessness in women so damn sexy…… 

It took a few days to slowly regain normal function & there was this disorientation which I think is a hallmark of bipolar crash. I don’t remember if I went into a depression or not, I assume I did. What’s salient though is the sense of being brain damaged, or having lost function & I think finding I had newly increased impulsivity & increased difficulty with decisions & having more anxiety & confusion, that all started back them. That was the beginning. It helps me to piece things together, thinking back. I lost a lot of the sense of coherence & time & the overall comprehension of my life, the big picture got lost very early on.

Well this ended up being a bit personal….. hmmm might take it down later x

Dopamine Highs & Lows...... Vs Oxytocin

In this fascinating video Russell Brand & the author of "Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, psychiatrist Dr. Anna Lembke" discuss how even relatively low Dopamine surges demand brain chemistry to self correct pretty swiftly causing a slight low. This is a general human response, as in everyone will experience this although i'm aware that as a Bipolar 1 sufferer i'm probably more experientially knowledgeable re: high & low dopamine at very extreme levels than a lot of people.

I had various degrees of Anorexia throughout roughly 2002-2008, some poverty related but much related to my Emotional Dysregulation that I now know to have been undiagnosed BPD plus BP1 - I was very very conscious at that time that i desperately needed Oxytocin, I was in the aftermath of a bad relationship break up but also a very disorientating Bipolar high (I was undiagnosed ) - I remember I used to fantasise about having my hair brushed by kind women friends which is terrifically emblematic of Oxytocin production to my mind, but I was suffering such a serious Bipolar depression by that point that I was not able to muster the strength to get any help.

I was always researching natural health & I found that Oxytocin was in development as a pain relieving, mood improving, anti anxiety medicine at that time, 2004 ish - I did not have a pet yet, a really top valuable Oxytocin provider. Singing in a group & along with music is also another well known way to get 'free' Oxytocin. But I was single & having drunken one night stands in a desperate bid for Oxytocin but to no avail. You get masses of exciting Dopamine but without that lovely cuddle hormone to soften the drop.

In fact i'd go so far as to say I don't think you can make Oxytocin from casual sex when you are drunk, which is why you might feel uncomfortable when you next see the person rather then warmly fond..... that's just my personal observation. If i'm correct, that makes that kind of sex much more expensive in terms of problematic brain chemistry (see video above) than sex in a trusted pair bond scenario. (i'm open to this maybe being a bit different for some intrinsically polyamorous types; assume naturally high Oxytocin status?) 

Just to clarify, the following is not about people who have an innately strong Oxytocin supply naturally. That is they do not suffer from any of the mental health issues mentioned, get over break ups with relative ease, feel naturally welcome in life generally, for want of a better description. I know because I don't so easily get these things up & running..... its a huge conscious effort for me.

One further point I want to insert here is that naturally occurring post-birth Oxytocin & indeed any pair bond Oxytocin famously can bring with it an increased sense of a spiritual dimension to life, I guess coming in via the feelings of safety, connectedness, oneness pointing the self towards an increased sense of an overarching cosmic consciousness. Which is lovely & a bit magical.

I tried to find research on the down side of supplemental Oxytocin & whilst there seemed to be only a positive response in sufferers of serious nervous system dysfunction;  PTSD, Anxiety, ASD, ADHD, eating disorders etc, 'well' people in the research could suffer the unwanted side affect of increased empathy to the subtle emotional signalling of strangers/acquaintances, potentially resulting in unnecessary intense emotional reactions. (This last bit makes me think that BPD might included a particular hyper sensitivity to Oxytocin or the absence of or problems with creating it in some way)

It seems to me to be beyond obvious that we should trial supplemental nasal spray Oxytocin in the deemed largely 'untreatable' Anti-Social Personality Disorder/Sociopathy/Psychopathy & Narcissistic Personality Disorder cohort. These disorders all suffer from a basic, deep seated lack of empathy, resulting in huge problems in life & relationships. Maybe its been done. I hope so.

It seems pretty obvious that unimpeded Oxytocin production during childhood, the steady feeling of belonging in a family, in a community, being physically comforted when you need to etc etc powerfully lays a framework for nervous system wellness in later life & that Physical & Psychological trauma interferes with Oxytocin production among other things, of that there is no doubt.

https://www.verywellmind.com/does-oxytocin-affect-your-mental-health-5114940

I find this subject absolutely fascinating. It accounts for why, for myself, casual relationships, one night stands are innately painful in a way that's really hard to describe. I think that making love without making Oxytocin requires the participants to be 'out of it' in some way, so with a blunted awareness of the lowering of boundaries & self consciousness, vulnerability etc hence why inhibition removing alcohol is a drug of choice wherever very casual sex is lauded as a very casual pastime.

I haven't so much as had my hand held romantically for over a decade..... that's quite extreme isn't it. I've had one serious 2 year relationship since I gave up alcohol in 2007 & zero casual hook ups...... the reason is within the statement I think.

In my defence I was undiagnosed, actively misdiagnosed as not having Bipolar in fact & yet knew absolutely there was something seriously wrong with me for the longest time. My dating aversion has been as much to protect others from my emotional dysregulation as it has been to protect myself from triggers. Unfortunately, my best efforts at close friends were also smited by undiagnosed BPD elements that I did not understand at all & was immensely frustrated by too.

So happy to now know what's wrong with me, so happy to be working on myself & being my own wellness project - Happy Valentines Day 💜  (for tomorrow)