Scorpio New Moon & Solar Eclipse ( tomorrow)

 https://www.elephantjournal.com/2019/03/what-the-f-is-a-soul-tie-and-why-should-i-care/

https://cafeastrology.com/events/new-moon-solar-eclipse-on-october-25-2022/

I realised recently that Im not attached to any of my exes, not even slightly, not in a bad way just a cool calm way, a good way…….well it’s been a very long time for sure but I remembered that due to the overwhelming BPD pain of abandonment & awful obsessive preoccupation with the ex when a relationship ended I was super keen to practice cord cutting within quite a short space of time just to reclaim some energy back for myself…. I mean after all, predominantly they were doing pretty well in life post relationship compared to the nervous wreckage I always ended up in…… so I genuinely did not want to be funding their ongoing success with my own energy on any level at all when I needed it so badly myself ….. also periodically I would check for & delete cords, the feeling of attachment to exes on a regular & ongoing basis. 

I think this astrological moment is perfect to do some work on unwanted energetic attachments.

I used to make up my own, being strong on the visualisation front, I would tend to do internal versions of the common external ritual exercises….. personally I’m not big on rituals but you just do what speaks to you.

The Law of the Even Deal

I stumbled across this interesting concept, the Law of the Even Deal on a Buddhist Relationship Counsellors web site….. I think…… or at least that’s where I ended up somehow & I really liked it so I thought I’d share it in case it helps anyone.

Basically, in years of giving couples therapy she discovered that one of the biggest pit falls in relationships was how men & women process receiving differently.

So the concept is that when men receive something in relationship, anything, a kiss, affection, sex, a gift, a meal etc they experience it internally an increased sense of self esteem, self worth, almost like the experience of praise. But women experience receiving these same things as a debt that must be repaid. So women seek to repay what’s given, whereas men, generally only give when they are moved to internally. The counsellor said that 99% of the time in her practice this was the fact.

So this is interesting. What’s the main complaint that women have in relationship? It’s that they feel it’s unbalanced, that they give & give & it’s not reciprocated. Women traditionally build resentment over time about this don’t they, it’s a classic scenario.

I remember making this complaint to a male friend about a boyfriend, he explained to me that when you give & give unconditionally (I know, ‘apparently’ unconditionally) all the other person really knows or learns about you is that you love to give….. rather than ‘look I can give & give, will you also give & give the same….. because I have all these needs’.

My ‘best’, as in least unsuccessful relationship had my partner trying to actually employ me in a range of roles in the real world & as such was the least ‘indebted’ of all my ex’s specifically due to this. Unfortunately, my continued lack of diagnoses conundrum & on going depressions ruined all that but the sentiment was clearly there… bless him…. the only one who tried to get some balance between us….. many were just…. I’m not even going to talk about them actually.

So, the Law of the Even Deal strives for more conscious balance in the give & take of relationships, acknowledging there’s a gender based difference & that not attending to this subtle law is one of the major causes of relationship breakdown.

I guess ultimately, deciding on what exactly constitutes balance in any given relationship is going to be unique & personal to the individuals involved, but I think it’s a very worthwhile area to explore. 

Astrology plus Comedy

Equals….I don’t know…..a very wandering mind….

https://astromatrix.org/Horoscopes/Planet-Aspects/Moon-Square-Mercury

Natal Moon Square Mercury, I have this aspect - I also have Venus Square Moon to add insult to injury….don’t get me started on all my Venus oppositions, that lot alone results in a pretty clear depiction of BPD imho.

If you don’t like or believe in Astrology please just suspend your judgement temporarily for the sake of discursive entertainment & try to appreciate it as a bunch of well meaning Empaths reading the equivalent of feely tealeaves in the star canopy over millennia providing us with an idealogical skeleton which allows us to self directly dabble in a solo person centred therapy lucky dip. 

I like Astrology as a self development tool to dig around & gain insight. Some aspects won’t resonate strongly but when one does resonate with your current experience it can grant you a key to unlock a psychological door which otherwise may be missed. For example I only clocked that I had this aspect when I noticed my favourite person has it & I was looking at how it might play out for them 

I’d say we have an opposite dominance with this aspect (me & thee) I reckon I’d be Mercury dominant in this aspect as I’ve got Mercury in the 1st house of visible self, conjunct Venus in Pisces, I’m Pisces rising & fundamentally 12th house Pisces Sun….. but Gemini Moon makes that a kind of psychic swap shop of energies if I was appraising the positive, due to the mental nature of Gemini & the slippery ephemeral non physical nature of Pisces but I acknowledge the square energy, a blockage, a deflection, not flowing……. It’s my unwillingness to communicate, even just playing around with anything creatively, which being mainly a musician if I had to nail my colours to any professional mast, is pretty crushing.

That was a very dynamic statement wasn’t it. That brings me to that I’ve been wanting to share that I kind of did a reconnaissance mission of *all* my favourite comedians in the spring….. on my own….. i never went to sit down shows before, I always hated being stuck in a seat (ADHD much) I couldn’t afford tickets, never had a working vehicle, no one to go with (adversity much) social phobia, acrophobia, GAD, no support but Ive been building up to it gradually & Isochronic Tones Therapy really helps me.

I did it as an exercise in stoicism & I was great, i was really great, I grew some, I learned stuff, unfortunately I had a childish kind of myopic experience in regards to other people in their pairs in which I was not, & it kind of reinforced for me how difficult pairs are or could be out in the heightened scrutiny of the public zone….. but that’s another story….

I’m deeply attracted to comedy as an transformational art form, although I’m not personally built for doing it, I don’t think, unfortunately. Its Shamanic healing capacity so distinct with its instantaneous affect on neurotransmitters & im sure, brainwave frequency (oh I’d like to find out about that) 

 I’ve heard Eddie Izzard say that the unwritten rule in comedy is that you can only truly mock in good conscience that which you are or that you suffer….. so my potential to explore the myriad, ephemeral realms of Neurodiversity & my own experience of *so very many* Severe Mental Illness’s is a waste of good material tbh with a very well defined self selecting audience. Oh my, dissociation & paranoia jokes incoming…… or are they? 😅😂

Stewart Lee did a brilliant dramatic small section on aggressive intrusive thoughts late on in his Snowflake Tornado show, I loved it but I did not feel that that many members of the audience reacted as if they had direct first hand experience of what he was describing, which I do…. I appreciated that so much. I’ve felt such an outcast with my mental health, I appreciate that inclusion, that exposure so much.

I am deeply struck & moved by Stewart Lee saying on stage “I still don’t know what this is” about his craft as a whole and/or maybe also about his particularly unique & extraordinary version of it. I can really feel that statement, it’s like a moment of merging with the divine by pointing at it but then allowing it to be undefinable, uncontainable, it’s both a tantric comedy moment when he says it & a genuine description of the tantric potential of comedy.

Just as my imaginary music album has a name, and an Astro name at that, see a much earlier post, my imaginary comedy show would be called  “I just wish I’d charged”  see more recent posts 😅😂🤣 oh I’ll give it away 🤭 ….. it’s a Hypersexuality related title there that is….. for those that wonder.

Not all those that wonder remain lost. But those that wander may wonder realistically why not. 

Anyway

Here’s a couple of stolen astro graphics re Moon Square Mercury

ADHD, BPD, Bipolar Hypersexuality & Me

Rummaging through ADHD YouTube it springs quite quickly to my attention that there is a distinct correlation between ADHD & 🙄 especially my form, Inattentive ADHD & Hypersexuality. The attentive reader will understand that this now makes all 3 of my mental health conditions especially prone to either bouts of or just plain generalised Hypersexuality. Well this is a bit embarrassing.

Shocked, I tell you…….lol, no, of course I’m not shocked at all. Again, like so much about putting the ADHD piece into my mental health jigsaw, all becomes transparently clear at long last.

For many years I was peripherally concerned & somewhat temporally amused that i seemed to have an almighty sex drive to the degree that, I felt myself to be perhaps somewhat some sort of Nymphomaniac. I never felt guilt or shame about my high libido, although aligned with my impulsivity these was certainly potentially problematic & resulted in some pretty heavy risk taking at times.

Fortunately for me, when out of committed monogamy I was so miserable I could barely leave my bedroom for the most part, partly because my sky high libido was in despair at our loss of mutual remedy. At some point, of course, I would have to go out, against my better judgement usually, to seek another lover & that required being at least in a somewhat better mood or at least stoic & outgoing to some extent, so alcohol would be involved, which I am to all intents & purposes allergic to.

So, yes, Hypersexuality- I’ve read much debate about it’s relative dis-ease status or not & really the discerning factor is the degree to which it damages your life, like any addictive behaviour or substance, if it’s out of control & harms other important areas of your world then it’s a problem you might do well to seek help with.

Ultimately, overall I was not that bad regarding other people. I destroyed one really important formative relationship early on with Hypersexuality induced infidelity with one other person whilst in a bipolar hypermanic episode for which I hated myself for many years - and that’s it. I had one night stands when out of monogamous relationships but overall in relationship I was a very committed lover. And that’s the rub, I was a very committed lover. 😉

I’ve heard BPD women described as Sex Geniuses & Nymphomaniacs & it’s to do with the need to bond deeply & to dedicatedly secure affection to feel some safety against a backdrop of severely low self esteem stemming from all of the deeply unpleasant & difficult traits of BPD. Abandonment is the ultimate BPD terror, so being a love bombing nympomamiac fulfilling the fantasies of a partner was key to ensuring that was kept at bay. But the pendulum swing from intense devotion, deep bonding & unconscious dependency is a mountain of unfulfillable expectation, knee jerk rebellion with anger & disillusionment followed by massive BPD fear & confusion.

So overall, I don’t think I’m that bad, I don’t think I’m a sex addict who would do anything with anyone to get a fix, that’s not me at all & it hasn’t been me throughout my life. I’m not fixated on sex although I would say that on a daily basis fantasy love & sex things do go though my mind regularly albeit quite fleetingly, sometimes several times a day….. I guess like we were told that men think about sex every few minutes, is that a thing? Did they used to say that? If that’s true, that makes every man in a relationship a fantasy infidel probably, as one fantasy partner is going to get boring if you are thinking about it every ten minutes, aren’t you?

That said, I’d say that my crush, there’s only ever one at a time I don’t multi-crush, can float through my mind in a sexual wave, feeling, vibe, visual, or sensory motion several times a day & I think that’s ok….. it’s nice, I’ve been single for a very very long time & I think that’s nice, I get a dopamine surge, sometimes I just get a mental cuddle sometimes briefly more but overall it helps my life..…it helps with managing the isolation that I seem to need & have created for myself in which to dissect & hopefully heal my dis-eases…..it helps buffer my naturally high Libido which I’d say is pretty healthy in spite of my intense combination of conditions. I guess you’d have to say I’ve got it under control……now I have at any rate. That’s probably much easier to say post-menopause though tbf.

Do I need to rake over the historic worst of it? I don’t think so. The main person who got hurt was me. The main person I need to apologise to is me. My early partners came off badly, everyone was confused, I was baffled by myself, my instability was terrifying, epic…..isolation was the only sane action often times. But I can & do apologise to all my early lovers, none of us knew what was wrong with me & there was a lot wrong, I’m sorry it was such a mess for us all. You got off lightly, I had to stay with me…. 

Here’s an aside to the above though. Bipolar Mania Hypersexuality is grim. Like all of the nervous system aberrations of Bipolar……so much nervous system pain, so much physical tension, so much speed, just awful…… the HS aspect is unpleasant but then getting anyone to sleep with you when you’re manic is tricky as it’s really hard to hide how unwell you are…… you are talking nonsense…… real super nonsense not everyday nonsense but the sky is falling nonsense, up is down nonsense, nothing is real nonsense….. with the notable exception of being taken advantage of under the influence of excessive alcohol when I was younger I think I kept pretty clear of the worst possibility’s due to being somewhat introverted by nature.

Ive not drank in 15 years now, thankfully, & I think that alcohol is the most heinous of drugs for any form of mental illness. To remove inhibitions from an already disinhibited person with BPD or Bipolar mania or hypomania is a disaster. It’s brain inflammatory. It’s horrible. And most with mental, that is brain based & nervous system dysfunction cannot physically cope with it imo. And it’s a cultural precursor to disinhibited social as well as sexual interaction for many well people, but I feel that ‘problems’ with alcohol are a ready indicator of undiagnosed mental illness & for those with particular conditions & traits, it’s an incredibly dangerous & life threatening drug.

Loss of faith in my thoughts (plus)

It’s understandable that after a period of time being wonky/ BPD episode is a good descriptor, that I have this reluctance to share anything. That last piece was going to be a sentence & some photos but I went stream of consciousness about beauty & then kept remembering fragments I had wanted to say. I’ve been watching TEDTalks about ADHD which has been really nice, it’s the most socially acceptable bit of my diagnoses I think, yet it is definitely really difficult to live with. I can forget what I’m thinking before I’ve even finished cognitising the thought, it feels like thoughts disappear into the ether, tracelessly, just leaving the frustrating sensation that I’ve just forgotten something important. 

I saw Dylan Moran on his recent ‘We Got This’ tour & he talked about losing memory & forgetting more as he’s got older, he’s talked of it before I think, he described it beautifully of course, “ don’t worry if you forget things your thinking about, there will always be more” he said dryly. Dylan strikes me as a potential ADHDer - he’s definitely got something wide of the norm going on there - he was drinking again on stage which I was surprised at, & he spoke of how he’d mastered sobriety, so he could drink again …..but then if you can handle it, & most with mental illness must have to say that they cannot, alcohol is a deliverer of the important relaxant neurotransmitter GABA to the blood stream…… I have other less addictive, less inflammatory ways of doing that myself.

So, organising my thoughts, creative ideas, to do list is/has always been a real struggle for me. I’ve actually done some major, long overdue house organising since I’ve been using Isochronic Tones…. Some areas of the house had been moved around whilst I was very brain damaged post high & things like my passport recently surfaced, outside in the porch in an amusing bag of mixed historical items….. that’s typical of the confused brain state of post high. 

How can I know that my disorganisation is ADHD not just brain damage from Bipolar episodes? 

Well, that’s why it’s taken so very long to get here. It’s the internal sense that I’ve reached ‘my normal’, my best functioning state, again, after a very long time being much less functional than that & then discovering anew that that ‘best’ state, as I perceive it, is indeed really bloody difficult in itself & has all the hallmarks of inattentive ADHD all over it. To be honest, it was remembering starting secondary school & how being baffled became my main mental, emotional state & what I now know are ADHD traits from then, from a time clearly pre Bipolar.

I just didn’t know why I was so frustrated & scatterbrained before….. and I was dealing with ridiculously long deep depressions & then hyposmanias that both scrambled my brain further….. never mind the BPD traits, how the fuck can you describe that, it’s like layers of dysfunction on dysfunction that somehow nobody else around me was taking seriously.

Maybe I had quite quiet BPD, certainly, in relationship, the main battleground of BPD, I’d be likely to just go into a deep depression at the depth of my difficulty, reactivity & defeatedness once the ever loving, intense, I guess love bombing? hypersexual bonding early stages faded & hot & cold, yes I did that definitely, “ you are perfect/ I hate you” that’s very BPD & I hated it, I commonly felt entirely defeated by relationships, my total instability & thus reliance of this person who I equally experienced as an enemy or as a friend. And yet the loss of, perceived loss of or abandonment by this person was like being killed, every time, slain, hopelessly destroyed & hating them all the more for having that monumental power over me. Excruciating yet unable to sensibly get away until they forced it. Quite rightly. “But you are not getting better” he said. I wasn’t, I was getting worse, the stress of hateful dependency on someone with no intention or interest in meeting any of my needs as a single mum with kids, on benefits, so at sea, so directionless, yet so loving, so kind, so accepting but so confused, endlessly confused, endlessly sorry for having a reaction, so jealous, so possessive, so lonely, so scared of a big bipolar episode then oblivious when one started.

It’s so hard not to attribute blame to people around me but I can see clearly now that about half of those around me, those who continually normalised my suicidal ideation, my hypersexuality, my binge drinking where also undiagnosed severe mentally ill & the other half were, due to their own energetic deficits were taking advantage of my intense vulnerability to feel better about themselves. Of course I attracted Narcissists, all vulnerable people attract NPD types who coldly take what they want & damn the cost to anyone else.

I’ve ranted, I’ll stop 🤔🤗🙂☺️ (if I repeat myself, I guess I do, then forgive me, I guess I’m using my blog as therapy…. So wtv)

PS

Ah, I just want to add a note about Narcissists & NPD here. Similarly to BPD, the popular preconception of these is really so bad & probably justifiably to a point but not all of us with these conditions are wilfully aiming to harm, in fact I’d say most are not aiming to harm. There is a big overlap between NPD & BPD, as much as 40% BPD have narcissistic traits I believe. Am I in that? You tell me, you are as likely to know from perceiving me from outside as I am from in here with all these perceptual aberrations. I think not, personally, I’m too much of a martyr I think….. but contrary to the popular position I think hating on us with these misunderstood conditions is vile. It is thought to be even more painful to be Narcissistic than it is to have BPD, so that’s saying something. Have compassion….remove yourself to safety but have compassion. Anyone that seeks help should be encouraged & supported, these illnesses are entirely life-destroying if allowed to be. Have hope if you have such yourself, you have my deepest sympathy, stay vigilant but have hope. 💗

Well, I feel really mean…..

Well, I feel really mean leaving that intimate account where I did. In trying to protect the person’s identity, by giving less detail, I just made him look worse than he deserved….. so I can either take it off that bit or add more data.

We were a right couple of freaks, we really were very out of the box & experimental. We did experiment with drugs but it was pretty mild & innocuous. We both had terrific childhood trauma that we couldn’t work through. I was incredibly unstable & volatile throughout our entire relationship. 

In his defence on that occasion, I do know he absolutely genuinely meant no harm to me, it was really really unfortunate, I had no idea what had happened to me, so I’m completely sure he did not know & of course prior to the crash I would have been hypomanic with hyper sexuality. He undoubtedly believed he could restore me to my former sex bot status me by having more sex with me. Sadly not but no one’s fault.

For years, this episode, I genuinely believed I’d been spiked with drugs, I had to have been I thought, it was incomprehensible that my own inner chemistry set could have achieved such extraordinary mental & physical lockdown. 

That wasn’t the beginning of my history of mental illness, it was roughly the beginning of my Bipolar though I think. I’d made an enormous number of very weird & impulsive choices already by that age but BPD mostly covers it. I mean I don’t know. I certainly had issues with paranoia, rage, binge drinking, impulsive risk taking, especially sexually back at 15. 

My BPD type behaviours, I think began pre-puberty or the cusp of that…. Psyche Drs will not diagnosis BPD during teens because, at some point most teenagers act out in a BPD way but for the majority the more extreme behaviours stop. I sort to control my eating for the first time at about 14 & dropped masses of weight very fast, in a deeply unhealthy manner. I stayed very very thin until I was pregnant at 20. 

It’s not the beginning of my history of sexual misadventure either but I don’t feel the need to go over that again here, publicly. At the end of my work with the Psychologist 18 months ago he referred me to the rape crisis team despite the heavily historical nature of multiple traumatic experiences. He said that it would be well worth defusing some of that trauma even at this late stage.

The PTSD specific therapy EMDR is a top choice for all & any unintegrated trauma work imo. Though I’ve not done it myself for trauma , I will do, I must do & I recommend it to anyone.

I did have some with a hypnotherapist about 10 yrs ago for giving up smoking……although I did not stop smoking, the therapy itself was amazing. 

On Dopamine Video too (a bit but not entirely)

I just watched the video I posted with the last blog & realised that my writing did not really relate that greatly to the content….. their conversation just inspired that whole thought in me re Oxytocin from the very beginning when she talked about a mysterious spiritual element commonly occurring that enables the first putting down of addictions for some/many people. It struck me that people able to increase their feeling of at oneness with another person, a group of people, a place, an animal, family, community etc, the more that is developed the more regulated your oxytocin will be & the more overall contentment you may be able to access. Sure there’s other psychological needs like status & I dunno, having kids or whatever too but those mentioned above cover a very wide vector of well-being.

The discipline element, self control, delayed gratification capacity that they mention was described as a strengthened linkage between the old emotional limbic brain and the evolutionarily newer pre frontal cortex. This link &/or pre frontal cortex are areas where I have brain damage from, I think mainly from my untreated Bipolar episodes (though Anorexia terrible awful for everything) My first recollection of a crash from a high or possibly hyper mania was at the age of 18. I don’t remember the high, that actually figures now I’ve had a more conscious experience of mania…. I just know I was very busy, very scattered, prone to unexpected emotional outbursts, that’s all I remember but the crash that first crash was like being killed. 

I remember waking up in bed completely unable to think or move or speak, I don’t remember being in pain but I bet I had the same nervous system pain that I have described when I crashed from my last big high in 2015/16, only I’d managed to be less conscious of it somehow, a kind of numbness. Unfortunately in this incredibly vulnerable state….. so hard to say this……my boyfriend had sex with me, I was unable to speak…… I guess that’s kind of unintentional assault because I did not/could not consent & was unable to brook much opposition as my body was so weird & weak. It was unpleasant. I love sex & fancied my boyfriend a lot but I found it unpleasant. Why do men find numb lifelessness in women so damn sexy…… 

It took a few days to slowly regain normal function & there was this disorientation which I think is a hallmark of bipolar crash. I don’t remember if I went into a depression or not, I assume I did. What’s salient though is the sense of being brain damaged, or having lost function & I think finding I had newly increased impulsivity & increased difficulty with decisions & having more anxiety & confusion, that all started back them. That was the beginning. It helps me to piece things together, thinking back. I lost a lot of the sense of coherence & time & the overall comprehension of my life, the big picture got lost very early on.

Well this ended up being a bit personal….. hmmm might take it down later x

Dopamine Highs & Lows...... Vs Oxytocin

In this fascinating video Russell Brand & the author of "Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, psychiatrist Dr. Anna Lembke" discuss how even relatively low Dopamine surges demand brain chemistry to self correct pretty swiftly causing a slight low. This is a general human response, as in everyone will experience this although i'm aware that as a Bipolar 1 sufferer i'm probably more experientially knowledgeable re: high & low dopamine at very extreme levels than a lot of people.

I had various degrees of Anorexia throughout roughly 2002-2008, some poverty related but much related to my Emotional Dysregulation that I now know to have been undiagnosed BPD plus BP1 - I was very very conscious at that time that i desperately needed Oxytocin, I was in the aftermath of a bad relationship break up but also a very disorientating Bipolar high (I was undiagnosed ) - I remember I used to fantasise about having my hair brushed by kind women friends which is terrifically emblematic of Oxytocin production to my mind, but I was suffering such a serious Bipolar depression by that point that I was not able to muster the strength to get any help.

I was always researching natural health & I found that Oxytocin was in development as a pain relieving, mood improving, anti anxiety medicine at that time, 2004 ish - I did not have a pet yet, a really top valuable Oxytocin provider. Singing in a group & along with music is also another well known way to get 'free' Oxytocin. But I was single & having drunken one night stands in a desperate bid for Oxytocin but to no avail. You get masses of exciting Dopamine but without that lovely cuddle hormone to soften the drop.

In fact i'd go so far as to say I don't think you can make Oxytocin from casual sex when you are drunk, which is why you might feel uncomfortable when you next see the person rather then warmly fond..... that's just my personal observation. If i'm correct, that makes that kind of sex much more expensive in terms of problematic brain chemistry (see video above) than sex in a trusted pair bond scenario. (i'm open to this maybe being a bit different for some intrinsically polyamorous types; assume naturally high Oxytocin status?) 

Just to clarify, the following is not about people who have an innately strong Oxytocin supply naturally. That is they do not suffer from any of the mental health issues mentioned, get over break ups with relative ease, feel naturally welcome in life generally, for want of a better description. I know because I don't so easily get these things up & running..... its a huge conscious effort for me.

One further point I want to insert here is that naturally occurring post-birth Oxytocin & indeed any pair bond Oxytocin famously can bring with it an increased sense of a spiritual dimension to life, I guess coming in via the feelings of safety, connectedness, oneness pointing the self towards an increased sense of an overarching cosmic consciousness. Which is lovely & a bit magical.

I tried to find research on the down side of supplemental Oxytocin & whilst there seemed to be only a positive response in sufferers of serious nervous system dysfunction;  PTSD, Anxiety, ASD, ADHD, eating disorders etc, 'well' people in the research could suffer the unwanted side affect of increased empathy to the subtle emotional signalling of strangers/acquaintances, potentially resulting in unnecessary intense emotional reactions. (This last bit makes me think that BPD might included a particular hyper sensitivity to Oxytocin or the absence of or problems with creating it in some way)

It seems to me to be beyond obvious that we should trial supplemental nasal spray Oxytocin in the deemed largely 'untreatable' Anti-Social Personality Disorder/Sociopathy/Psychopathy & Narcissistic Personality Disorder cohort. These disorders all suffer from a basic, deep seated lack of empathy, resulting in huge problems in life & relationships. Maybe its been done. I hope so.

It seems pretty obvious that unimpeded Oxytocin production during childhood, the steady feeling of belonging in a family, in a community, being physically comforted when you need to etc etc powerfully lays a framework for nervous system wellness in later life & that Physical & Psychological trauma interferes with Oxytocin production among other things, of that there is no doubt.

https://www.verywellmind.com/does-oxytocin-affect-your-mental-health-5114940

I find this subject absolutely fascinating. It accounts for why, for myself, casual relationships, one night stands are innately painful in a way that's really hard to describe. I think that making love without making Oxytocin requires the participants to be 'out of it' in some way, so with a blunted awareness of the lowering of boundaries & self consciousness, vulnerability etc hence why inhibition removing alcohol is a drug of choice wherever very casual sex is lauded as a very casual pastime.

I haven't so much as had my hand held romantically for over a decade..... that's quite extreme isn't it. I've had one serious 2 year relationship since I gave up alcohol in 2007 & zero casual hook ups...... the reason is within the statement I think.

In my defence I was undiagnosed, actively misdiagnosed as not having Bipolar in fact & yet knew absolutely there was something seriously wrong with me for the longest time. My dating aversion has been as much to protect others from my emotional dysregulation as it has been to protect myself from triggers. Unfortunately, my best efforts at close friends were also smited by undiagnosed BPD elements that I did not understand at all & was immensely frustrated by too.

So happy to now know what's wrong with me, so happy to be working on myself & being my own wellness project - Happy Valentines Day 💜  (for tomorrow)

2 Russell Brand videos that I think are game changers

 

This is from 2 years ago “Ceremony, Relationships & Communal Living” - Russell Brand talking to shaman Wendy Mandy, to be fair the first half was the best bit but with lots of loose threads that I would have loved to have heard unravelled - the second half ended up being predominantly about psychological healing with powerful natural psychoactive substances, which I’m less keen on with my very fragile nervous system, particularly when certain very simple lifestyle/dietary changes/supplements can be so transformative. 

Also, I’ve been peripheral to the use of very many of these psychoactive substances mentioned in the second half, in friends that are essentially undiagnosed severely mentally ill & despite many many safeguards, extensive knowledge & proper supervision the desired effects of psyche repair did not take place in this population, in fact I’ve seen people worsen with these substances. But, that said, I do still believe they have an important place in healing, as does the now becoming mainstream medicinal use of ketamine, MDMA & even LSD in psyche repair….. & better compared to most of the mainstream psyche drugs available which I would not touch with a barge pole personally. 

I love & get huge benefits from my (citations in the sidebar) DL Phenylalanine powder, which is an individual amino acid that has specific beneficial effects on the nervous system, also my N-Acetyl Cysteine powder and my pure GABA powder. This summer I have been back on Kava Kava in the evening to get my cortisol under control which is fab & I’ve been using CBD oil by mouth too for a month which is lovely but too expensive to come to rely on. I also take masses of B vitamins, Vit C & high EPA fish oil every day (plus D & K2 & E for being old). I cannot eat refined sugar period & alcohol would have me hospitalised in no time…..just sayin….. 15 years sober otherwise I would have died…….& I have to be in nature twice a day whatever the weather…. it’s a bit austere but it works, being inside cut off for the sky & the Earth can be majorly depressive.

One last thing….. she’s got to me, Wendy, she’s reminding me of things I knew and since finding this video the other day I’ve stopped using my headphones in nature to reconnect my consciousness with the consciousness surrounding me in my local area & it’s been so so helpful & grounding….. there was a reason I started using headphones, I was trying to protect my nervous system from my own bark reactive dogs & as a way to avoid other people but it’s made me increasingly orphaned in my sense of place so I’ve stopped using them. I will still take them out though, they’re my favourite body armour. 😍

This video is not intended to make anyone on meds do anything rash, it is a very general video which is extremely powerful in its capacity to somewhat humorously explain the intense predicament we are in with “science” - love it…..thank you so much Russell 💜