Astrology plus Comedy

Equals….I don’t know…..a very wandering mind….

https://astromatrix.org/Horoscopes/Planet-Aspects/Moon-Square-Mercury

Natal Moon Square Mercury, I have this aspect - I also have Venus Square Moon to add insult to injury….don’t get me started on all my Venus oppositions, that lot alone results in a pretty clear depiction of BPD imho.

If you don’t like or believe in Astrology please just suspend your judgement temporarily for the sake of discursive entertainment & try to appreciate it as a bunch of well meaning Empaths reading the equivalent of feely tealeaves in the star canopy over millennia providing us with an idealogical skeleton which allows us to self directly dabble in a solo person centred therapy lucky dip. 

I like Astrology as a self development tool to dig around & gain insight. Some aspects won’t resonate strongly but when one does resonate with your current experience it can grant you a key to unlock a psychological door which otherwise may be missed. For example I only clocked that I had this aspect when I noticed my favourite person has it & I was looking at how it might play out for them 

I’d say we have an opposite dominance with this aspect (me & thee) I reckon I’d be Mercury dominant in this aspect as I’ve got Mercury in the 1st house of visible self, conjunct Venus in Pisces, I’m Pisces rising & fundamentally 12th house Pisces Sun….. but Gemini Moon makes that a kind of psychic swap shop of energies if I was appraising the positive, due to the mental nature of Gemini & the slippery ephemeral non physical nature of Pisces but I acknowledge the square energy, a blockage, a deflection, not flowing……. It’s my unwillingness to communicate, even just playing around with anything creatively, which being mainly a musician if I had to nail my colours to any professional mast, is pretty crushing.

That was a very dynamic statement wasn’t it. That brings me to that I’ve been wanting to share that I kind of did a reconnaissance mission of *all* my favourite comedians in the spring….. on my own….. i never went to sit down shows before, I always hated being stuck in a seat (ADHD much) I couldn’t afford tickets, never had a working vehicle, no one to go with (adversity much) social phobia, acrophobia, GAD, no support but Ive been building up to it gradually & Isochronic Tones Therapy really helps me.

I did it as an exercise in stoicism & I was great, i was really great, I grew some, I learned stuff, unfortunately I had a childish kind of myopic experience in regards to other people in their pairs in which I was not, & it kind of reinforced for me how difficult pairs are or could be out in the heightened scrutiny of the public zone….. but that’s another story….

I’m deeply attracted to comedy as an transformational art form, although I’m not personally built for doing it, I don’t think, unfortunately. Its Shamanic healing capacity so distinct with its instantaneous affect on neurotransmitters & im sure, brainwave frequency (oh I’d like to find out about that) 

 I’ve heard Eddie Izzard say that the unwritten rule in comedy is that you can only truly mock in good conscience that which you are or that you suffer….. so my potential to explore the myriad, ephemeral realms of Neurodiversity & my own experience of *so very many* Severe Mental Illness’s is a waste of good material tbh with a very well defined self selecting audience. Oh my, dissociation & paranoia jokes incoming…… or are they? 😅😂

Stewart Lee did a brilliant dramatic small section on aggressive intrusive thoughts late on in his Snowflake Tornado show, I loved it but I did not feel that that many members of the audience reacted as if they had direct first hand experience of what he was describing, which I do…. I appreciated that so much. I’ve felt such an outcast with my mental health, I appreciate that inclusion, that exposure so much.

I am deeply struck & moved by Stewart Lee saying on stage “I still don’t know what this is” about his craft as a whole and/or maybe also about his particularly unique & extraordinary version of it. I can really feel that statement, it’s like a moment of merging with the divine by pointing at it but then allowing it to be undefinable, uncontainable, it’s both a tantric comedy moment when he says it & a genuine description of the tantric potential of comedy.

Just as my imaginary music album has a name, and an Astro name at that, see a much earlier post, my imaginary comedy show would be called  “I just wish I’d charged”  see more recent posts 😅😂🤣 oh I’ll give it away 🤭 ….. it’s a Hypersexuality related title there that is….. for those that wonder.

Not all those that wonder remain lost. But those that wander may wonder realistically why not. 

Anyway

Here’s a couple of stolen astro graphics re Moon Square Mercury

ADHD, BPD, Bipolar Hypersexuality & Me

Rummaging through ADHD YouTube it springs quite quickly to my attention that there is a distinct correlation between ADHD & 🙄 especially my form, Inattentive ADHD & Hypersexuality. The attentive reader will understand that this now makes all 3 of my mental health conditions especially prone to either bouts of or just plain generalised Hypersexuality. Well this is a bit embarrassing.

Shocked, I tell you…….lol, no, of course I’m not shocked at all. Again, like so much about putting the ADHD piece into my mental health jigsaw, all becomes transparently clear at long last.

For many years I was peripherally concerned & somewhat temporally amused that i seemed to have an almighty sex drive to the degree that, I felt myself to be perhaps somewhat some sort of Nymphomaniac. I never felt guilt or shame about my high libido, although aligned with my impulsivity these was certainly potentially problematic & resulted in some pretty heavy risk taking at times.

Fortunately for me, when out of committed monogamy I was so miserable I could barely leave my bedroom for the most part, partly because my sky high libido was in despair at our loss of mutual remedy. At some point, of course, I would have to go out, against my better judgement usually, to seek another lover & that required being at least in a somewhat better mood or at least stoic & outgoing to some extent, so alcohol would be involved, which I am to all intents & purposes allergic to.

So, yes, Hypersexuality- I’ve read much debate about it’s relative dis-ease status or not & really the discerning factor is the degree to which it damages your life, like any addictive behaviour or substance, if it’s out of control & harms other important areas of your world then it’s a problem you might do well to seek help with.

Ultimately, overall I was not that bad regarding other people. I destroyed one really important formative relationship early on with Hypersexuality induced infidelity with one other person whilst in a bipolar hypermanic episode for which I hated myself for many years - and that’s it. I had one night stands when out of monogamous relationships but overall in relationship I was a very committed lover. And that’s the rub, I was a very committed lover. 😉

I’ve heard BPD women described as Sex Geniuses & Nymphomaniacs & it’s to do with the need to bond deeply & to dedicatedly secure affection to feel some safety against a backdrop of severely low self esteem stemming from all of the deeply unpleasant & difficult traits of BPD. Abandonment is the ultimate BPD terror, so being a love bombing nympomamiac fulfilling the fantasies of a partner was key to ensuring that was kept at bay. But the pendulum swing from intense devotion, deep bonding & unconscious dependency is a mountain of unfulfillable expectation, knee jerk rebellion with anger & disillusionment followed by massive BPD fear & confusion.

So overall, I don’t think I’m that bad, I don’t think I’m a sex addict who would do anything with anyone to get a fix, that’s not me at all & it hasn’t been me throughout my life. I’m not fixated on sex although I would say that on a daily basis fantasy love & sex things do go though my mind regularly albeit quite fleetingly, sometimes several times a day….. I guess like we were told that men think about sex every few minutes, is that a thing? Did they used to say that? If that’s true, that makes every man in a relationship a fantasy infidel probably, as one fantasy partner is going to get boring if you are thinking about it every ten minutes, aren’t you?

That said, I’d say that my crush, there’s only ever one at a time I don’t multi-crush, can float through my mind in a sexual wave, feeling, vibe, visual, or sensory motion several times a day & I think that’s ok….. it’s nice, I’ve been single for a very very long time & I think that’s nice, I get a dopamine surge, sometimes I just get a mental cuddle sometimes briefly more but overall it helps my life..…it helps with managing the isolation that I seem to need & have created for myself in which to dissect & hopefully heal my dis-eases…..it helps buffer my naturally high Libido which I’d say is pretty healthy in spite of my intense combination of conditions. I guess you’d have to say I’ve got it under control……now I have at any rate. That’s probably much easier to say post-menopause though tbf.

Do I need to rake over the historic worst of it? I don’t think so. The main person who got hurt was me. The main person I need to apologise to is me. My early partners came off badly, everyone was confused, I was baffled by myself, my instability was terrifying, epic…..isolation was the only sane action often times. But I can & do apologise to all my early lovers, none of us knew what was wrong with me & there was a lot wrong, I’m sorry it was such a mess for us all. You got off lightly, I had to stay with me…. 

Here’s an aside to the above though. Bipolar Mania Hypersexuality is grim. Like all of the nervous system aberrations of Bipolar……so much nervous system pain, so much physical tension, so much speed, just awful…… the HS aspect is unpleasant but then getting anyone to sleep with you when you’re manic is tricky as it’s really hard to hide how unwell you are…… you are talking nonsense…… real super nonsense not everyday nonsense but the sky is falling nonsense, up is down nonsense, nothing is real nonsense….. with the notable exception of being taken advantage of under the influence of excessive alcohol when I was younger I think I kept pretty clear of the worst possibility’s due to being somewhat introverted by nature.

Ive not drank in 15 years now, thankfully, & I think that alcohol is the most heinous of drugs for any form of mental illness. To remove inhibitions from an already disinhibited person with BPD or Bipolar mania or hypomania is a disaster. It’s brain inflammatory. It’s horrible. And most with mental, that is brain based & nervous system dysfunction cannot physically cope with it imo. And it’s a cultural precursor to disinhibited social as well as sexual interaction for many well people, but I feel that ‘problems’ with alcohol are a ready indicator of undiagnosed mental illness & for those with particular conditions & traits, it’s an incredibly dangerous & life threatening drug.

Red Light Therapy plus Therapy

The current trend in Anti-Aging Red Light & Near Infared Therapy devices got me curious about its cell metabolism increasing capacity in the brain & sure enough the research throws up that trials for PTSD & TBI have shows some benefits. Also for Fibromyalgia for my daughter, which slows metabolism prematurely, a bit like aging too soon….. Anyhow, I’ve been working with a red light nir box for a few weeks now & I love it & I think combined with the insight building of psychotherapy/talk therapy of your choice, I feel the combination would be a real winner in natural treatment of severe mental illnesses.

The query I get is, in what way is this not just a remedy for not enough sunlight…… I’ve loved my light box during grey rainy UK May & it cheers me up & gets me going when it’s chilly but I fail to see how in a warmer climate this would be needed unless the person refuses or is otherwise unable to leave the house, then this could help mimic the sun on your head, stimulating increased cellular atp activity & increasing cell metabolism etc.

I get it for anti aging, in a way, as full spectrum sun is perceived as very aging but surely with sunblock & covering up etc you would still absorb lots of NIR as well as FIR light through your clothes producing the same healthy cellular stimulation. That’s my only query.

So anyway, I love my box & all the benefits I’ve felt from using it so far & yes my skin on my face looks fab imho, definitely enough change there to keep me interested but it’s the affect on my body that’s so fantastic- I feel more energetic, more toned, more enlivened & more positive since using the light box.

My one is not a huge box, it’s a 300w tilting unit by a company called Helios that I rotate body parts towards in the bathroom in the morning, especially sore muscles - I totally recommend this therapy device or a bigger one for people stuck in the house with mental illness or in the more light deprived countries. It’s extremely bright, brighter than the face mask types which cost twice the price for a third of the power per cm2 at a foot away. I wear eye protection or exercise great caution with it as it can cause a painful glare sensation.

A word of warning, I have to say this, just like sunshine, it significantly increases hormonal activity throughout your endocrine system indeed some users use it for this Testosterone boosting, sexual dysfunction restorative capacity - it also increases Melatonin too which is your sleep hormone & a master antioxidant & anti inflammatory agent. I love it but having struggled with Hypersexuality as many BPD & Bipolar people do as part of their illness I am enormously careful with it…… but it’s marvellous 😄🤭😉

Loss of faith in my thoughts (plus)

It’s understandable that after a period of time being wonky/ BPD episode is a good descriptor, that I have this reluctance to share anything. That last piece was going to be a sentence & some photos but I went stream of consciousness about beauty & then kept remembering fragments I had wanted to say. I’ve been watching TEDTalks about ADHD which has been really nice, it’s the most socially acceptable bit of my diagnoses I think, yet it is definitely really difficult to live with. I can forget what I’m thinking before I’ve even finished cognitising the thought, it feels like thoughts disappear into the ether, tracelessly, just leaving the frustrating sensation that I’ve just forgotten something important. 

I saw Dylan Moran on his recent ‘We Got This’ tour & he talked about losing memory & forgetting more as he’s got older, he’s talked of it before I think, he described it beautifully of course, “ don’t worry if you forget things your thinking about, there will always be more” he said dryly. Dylan strikes me as a potential ADHDer - he’s definitely got something wide of the norm going on there - he was drinking again on stage which I was surprised at, & he spoke of how he’d mastered sobriety, so he could drink again …..but then if you can handle it, & most with mental illness must have to say that they cannot, alcohol is a deliverer of the important relaxant neurotransmitter GABA to the blood stream…… I have other less addictive, less inflammatory ways of doing that myself.

So, organising my thoughts, creative ideas, to do list is/has always been a real struggle for me. I’ve actually done some major, long overdue house organising since I’ve been using Isochronic Tones…. Some areas of the house had been moved around whilst I was very brain damaged post high & things like my passport recently surfaced, outside in the porch in an amusing bag of mixed historical items….. that’s typical of the confused brain state of post high. 

How can I know that my disorganisation is ADHD not just brain damage from Bipolar episodes? 

Well, that’s why it’s taken so very long to get here. It’s the internal sense that I’ve reached ‘my normal’, my best functioning state, again, after a very long time being much less functional than that & then discovering anew that that ‘best’ state, as I perceive it, is indeed really bloody difficult in itself & has all the hallmarks of inattentive ADHD all over it. To be honest, it was remembering starting secondary school & how being baffled became my main mental, emotional state & what I now know are ADHD traits from then, from a time clearly pre Bipolar.

I just didn’t know why I was so frustrated & scatterbrained before….. and I was dealing with ridiculously long deep depressions & then hyposmanias that both scrambled my brain further….. never mind the BPD traits, how the fuck can you describe that, it’s like layers of dysfunction on dysfunction that somehow nobody else around me was taking seriously.

Maybe I had quite quiet BPD, certainly, in relationship, the main battleground of BPD, I’d be likely to just go into a deep depression at the depth of my difficulty, reactivity & defeatedness once the ever loving, intense, I guess love bombing? hypersexual bonding early stages faded & hot & cold, yes I did that definitely, “ you are perfect/ I hate you” that’s very BPD & I hated it, I commonly felt entirely defeated by relationships, my total instability & thus reliance of this person who I equally experienced as an enemy or as a friend. And yet the loss of, perceived loss of or abandonment by this person was like being killed, every time, slain, hopelessly destroyed & hating them all the more for having that monumental power over me. Excruciating yet unable to sensibly get away until they forced it. Quite rightly. “But you are not getting better” he said. I wasn’t, I was getting worse, the stress of hateful dependency on someone with no intention or interest in meeting any of my needs as a single mum with kids, on benefits, so at sea, so directionless, yet so loving, so kind, so accepting but so confused, endlessly confused, endlessly sorry for having a reaction, so jealous, so possessive, so lonely, so scared of a big bipolar episode then oblivious when one started.

It’s so hard not to attribute blame to people around me but I can see clearly now that about half of those around me, those who continually normalised my suicidal ideation, my hypersexuality, my binge drinking where also undiagnosed severe mentally ill & the other half were, due to their own energetic deficits were taking advantage of my intense vulnerability to feel better about themselves. Of course I attracted Narcissists, all vulnerable people attract NPD types who coldly take what they want & damn the cost to anyone else.

I’ve ranted, I’ll stop 🤔🤗🙂☺️ (if I repeat myself, I guess I do, then forgive me, I guess I’m using my blog as therapy…. So wtv)

PS

Ah, I just want to add a note about Narcissists & NPD here. Similarly to BPD, the popular preconception of these is really so bad & probably justifiably to a point but not all of us with these conditions are wilfully aiming to harm, in fact I’d say most are not aiming to harm. There is a big overlap between NPD & BPD, as much as 40% BPD have narcissistic traits I believe. Am I in that? You tell me, you are as likely to know from perceiving me from outside as I am from in here with all these perceptual aberrations. I think not, personally, I’m too much of a martyr I think….. but contrary to the popular position I think hating on us with these misunderstood conditions is vile. It is thought to be even more painful to be Narcissistic than it is to have BPD, so that’s saying something. Have compassion….remove yourself to safety but have compassion. Anyone that seeks help should be encouraged & supported, these illnesses are entirely life-destroying if allowed to be. Have hope if you have such yourself, you have my deepest sympathy, stay vigilant but have hope. 💗

Well, I feel really mean…..

Well, I feel really mean leaving that intimate account where I did. In trying to protect the person’s identity, by giving less detail, I just made him look worse than he deserved….. so I can either take it off that bit or add more data.

We were a right couple of freaks, we really were very out of the box & experimental. We did experiment with drugs but it was pretty mild & innocuous. We both had terrific childhood trauma that we couldn’t work through. I was incredibly unstable & volatile throughout our entire relationship. 

In his defence on that occasion, I do know he absolutely genuinely meant no harm to me, it was really really unfortunate, I had no idea what had happened to me, so I’m completely sure he did not know & of course prior to the crash I would have been hypomanic with hyper sexuality. He undoubtedly believed he could restore me to my former sex bot status me by having more sex with me. Sadly not but no one’s fault.

For years, this episode, I genuinely believed I’d been spiked with drugs, I had to have been I thought, it was incomprehensible that my own inner chemistry set could have achieved such extraordinary mental & physical lockdown. 

That wasn’t the beginning of my history of mental illness, it was roughly the beginning of my Bipolar though I think. I’d made an enormous number of very weird & impulsive choices already by that age but BPD mostly covers it. I mean I don’t know. I certainly had issues with paranoia, rage, binge drinking, impulsive risk taking, especially sexually back at 15. 

My BPD type behaviours, I think began pre-puberty or the cusp of that…. Psyche Drs will not diagnosis BPD during teens because, at some point most teenagers act out in a BPD way but for the majority the more extreme behaviours stop. I sort to control my eating for the first time at about 14 & dropped masses of weight very fast, in a deeply unhealthy manner. I stayed very very thin until I was pregnant at 20. 

It’s not the beginning of my history of sexual misadventure either but I don’t feel the need to go over that again here, publicly. At the end of my work with the Psychologist 18 months ago he referred me to the rape crisis team despite the heavily historical nature of multiple traumatic experiences. He said that it would be well worth defusing some of that trauma even at this late stage.

The PTSD specific therapy EMDR is a top choice for all & any unintegrated trauma work imo. Though I’ve not done it myself for trauma , I will do, I must do & I recommend it to anyone.

I did have some with a hypnotherapist about 10 yrs ago for giving up smoking……although I did not stop smoking, the therapy itself was amazing.