Fit n fitter - I Shouldn't Really Be Here

I’m really quite physically fit, fitter than I’ve ever been amazingly but over 50 I do accept that my tummy is now doing it’s own thing to quite a large degree now…. Unconnected to exercise or calorific intake…. just off in its own apparently…. lol 

No it’s lovely 🥰 I’ve worked really hard to achieve even this & it’s lovely…… Gratuitous bikini pix to you. 

If you’ve suffered severe mental health problems & you make it past 40 you’ve done so amazingly well - the stats are clear…. My imaginary autobiography would be called “I shouldn’t really be here”. If you add up the life years lost to each of my conditions it adds up, using the max stat for each condition to exaggerate for effect…… to almost all of my mad massive 55 years that I’ve achieved

ADHD loses you between 11-13 yrs of life when still active in adulthood, with women disproportionately more likely to die from accident….(that’s very ADD)

BPD = a risk of 15-20 yrs lost and Bipolar 1 can lose you 11-20 from the average life expectancy.

I know that’s a overdramatic way of viewing it but I’ve used it for affect…. The overall average for severe mental illness is about 10 yrs lost….but it’s the quality of life lost thats the real disaster for all mental illness imo…..the suffering, the loneliness, the low self esteem…. that’s what’s really tough…..be kind to yourself for gods sake & practice having your own back for when no one else does. 💜🙌

The difference between having long term severe mental illness & having a breakdown (*edited)

So I watched this & it got me sparking so I thought I’d share: Trauma, Shame & Being Enough

So Patti & I agree that within all so called Mental Illness is brain & nervous system dysfunction caused by some kind of trauma, a maladaptive response to stress &/or insurmountable stress.

Then I’d like to add Dr Amens thoughts about general anaesthetic, sedation & even local anaesthetic & then also head injury from accident or sports contributing to long term mental illness structurally via direct hardware brain/nervous system injury.

 *Then theres the obvious systemic inflammation from poor diet, food sensitivities & ready irritants like alcohol & drugs both legal & illegal (with exclusions in both those latter categories for some people eg CBD seems especially helpful across the board) confounding the nervous system particularly during childhood & adolescence reeking havoc on susceptible developing physiologies*

But I have the question….. what is the difference between a robust nervous system that can withstand endless insults of a range of types without developing a serious longterm fault or which recovers its prior function relatively swiftly & easily & one that simply does not or cannot.

We used to call it a constitutionally highly strung type because of course, the more sensitive someone is the more likely to spiral into increasing mental illness, that is; nervous system dysfunction, when faced with overwhelming stress or psychological insult. But the nurture aspect is crucial too. Support, genuine unconditional, family, community, friendship support can make or break a nervous system, I have no doubt, just as negative experiences in family or community can condemn us to a worse life. 

Like attracts like, of this i'm sure. My social circles in the past largely ended up with diagnoses or early death from Substance Use Disorders, old world alcoholism & drug addiction, that the vile Right Wing press would still have you believe is a weakness of character & not trying hard enough rather than what it is; the surface expression & attempted suppression of the symptoms of serious Nervous System Dysfunction. The eventual diagnoses or self diagnoses have all been, across the board, the most helpful thing for all of these people.

Patti's Talk I think is a worthy discussion for those who have had a single intense period of breakdown after really being predominantly functional, but it needs to be known that these bouncing back robust types have perhaps not suffered insurmountable psychological or physical adversity without adequate support. 

For those of us with long term ongoing nervous system dysfunction, there is for sure something of use for us in this talk, but id like to see the difference in these 2 groups discussed more frequently & deeply to help us find more answers for all.

ADHD, BPD, Bipolar Hypersexuality & Me

Rummaging through ADHD YouTube it springs quite quickly to my attention that there is a distinct correlation between ADHD & 🙄 especially my form, Inattentive ADHD & Hypersexuality. The attentive reader will understand that this now makes all 3 of my mental health conditions especially prone to either bouts of or just plain generalised Hypersexuality. Well this is a bit embarrassing.

Shocked, I tell you…….lol, no, of course I’m not shocked at all. Again, like so much about putting the ADHD piece into my mental health jigsaw, all becomes transparently clear at long last.

For many years I was peripherally concerned & somewhat temporally amused that i seemed to have an almighty sex drive to the degree that, I felt myself to be perhaps somewhat some sort of Nymphomaniac. I never felt guilt or shame about my high libido, although aligned with my impulsivity these was certainly potentially problematic & resulted in some pretty heavy risk taking at times.

Fortunately for me, when out of committed monogamy I was so miserable I could barely leave my bedroom for the most part, partly because my sky high libido was in despair at our loss of mutual remedy. At some point, of course, I would have to go out, against my better judgement usually, to seek another lover & that required being at least in a somewhat better mood or at least stoic & outgoing to some extent, so alcohol would be involved, which I am to all intents & purposes allergic to.

So, yes, Hypersexuality- I’ve read much debate about it’s relative dis-ease status or not & really the discerning factor is the degree to which it damages your life, like any addictive behaviour or substance, if it’s out of control & harms other important areas of your world then it’s a problem you might do well to seek help with.

Ultimately, overall I was not that bad regarding other people. I destroyed one really important formative relationship early on with Hypersexuality induced infidelity with one other person whilst in a bipolar hypermanic episode for which I hated myself for many years - and that’s it. I had one night stands when out of monogamous relationships but overall in relationship I was a very committed lover. And that’s the rub, I was a very committed lover. 😉

I’ve heard BPD women described as Sex Geniuses & Nymphomaniacs & it’s to do with the need to bond deeply & to dedicatedly secure affection to feel some safety against a backdrop of severely low self esteem stemming from all of the deeply unpleasant & difficult traits of BPD. Abandonment is the ultimate BPD terror, so being a love bombing nympomamiac fulfilling the fantasies of a partner was key to ensuring that was kept at bay. But the pendulum swing from intense devotion, deep bonding & unconscious dependency is a mountain of unfulfillable expectation, knee jerk rebellion with anger & disillusionment followed by massive BPD fear & confusion.

So overall, I don’t think I’m that bad, I don’t think I’m a sex addict who would do anything with anyone to get a fix, that’s not me at all & it hasn’t been me throughout my life. I’m not fixated on sex although I would say that on a daily basis fantasy love & sex things do go though my mind regularly albeit quite fleetingly, sometimes several times a day….. I guess like we were told that men think about sex every few minutes, is that a thing? Did they used to say that? If that’s true, that makes every man in a relationship a fantasy infidel probably, as one fantasy partner is going to get boring if you are thinking about it every ten minutes, aren’t you?

That said, I’d say that my crush, there’s only ever one at a time I don’t multi-crush, can float through my mind in a sexual wave, feeling, vibe, visual, or sensory motion several times a day & I think that’s ok….. it’s nice, I’ve been single for a very very long time & I think that’s nice, I get a dopamine surge, sometimes I just get a mental cuddle sometimes briefly more but overall it helps my life..…it helps with managing the isolation that I seem to need & have created for myself in which to dissect & hopefully heal my dis-eases…..it helps buffer my naturally high Libido which I’d say is pretty healthy in spite of my intense combination of conditions. I guess you’d have to say I’ve got it under control……now I have at any rate. That’s probably much easier to say post-menopause though tbf.

Do I need to rake over the historic worst of it? I don’t think so. The main person who got hurt was me. The main person I need to apologise to is me. My early partners came off badly, everyone was confused, I was baffled by myself, my instability was terrifying, epic…..isolation was the only sane action often times. But I can & do apologise to all my early lovers, none of us knew what was wrong with me & there was a lot wrong, I’m sorry it was such a mess for us all. You got off lightly, I had to stay with me…. 

Here’s an aside to the above though. Bipolar Mania Hypersexuality is grim. Like all of the nervous system aberrations of Bipolar……so much nervous system pain, so much physical tension, so much speed, just awful…… the HS aspect is unpleasant but then getting anyone to sleep with you when you’re manic is tricky as it’s really hard to hide how unwell you are…… you are talking nonsense…… real super nonsense not everyday nonsense but the sky is falling nonsense, up is down nonsense, nothing is real nonsense….. with the notable exception of being taken advantage of under the influence of excessive alcohol when I was younger I think I kept pretty clear of the worst possibility’s due to being somewhat introverted by nature.

Ive not drank in 15 years now, thankfully, & I think that alcohol is the most heinous of drugs for any form of mental illness. To remove inhibitions from an already disinhibited person with BPD or Bipolar mania or hypomania is a disaster. It’s brain inflammatory. It’s horrible. And most with mental, that is brain based & nervous system dysfunction cannot physically cope with it imo. And it’s a cultural precursor to disinhibited social as well as sexual interaction for many well people, but I feel that ‘problems’ with alcohol are a ready indicator of undiagnosed mental illness & for those with particular conditions & traits, it’s an incredibly dangerous & life threatening drug.

Menieres Disease & Acupuncture

One of my big mental health & musical inspirations, Ryan Adams suffers from the debilitating condition Menieres Disease & I just wanted to send this out to him via the reliable information conveying vehicle that is the hashtag……(?!)

Anyway, it really seems that the way ahead for most Menieres sufferers is regular Acupuncture, I will link to a few studies confirming this statement below. I mean, I should have weekly acupuncture for all my stuff but it never gets to the top of the list……I’d certainly do it if I started to get a big high or big low & could not reign it in by myself…. It would gravitate to the top of my list in that circumstance, which I don’t anticipate happening tbh (ie I believe I can offset these myself now due to experience/knowledge/greater insight) 

I know some people find the idea of acupuncture weird or unpleasant or have fear of the pins etc but it’s such a wonderful brilliant whole body experience in the hands of a quality practitioner that to not give it a decent shot (2/3 sessions minimum to feel some benefits) I really think, that with something as patently disruptive & distressing as Menieres Disease that not giving Acupuncture a really fair go is at least self defeating at worse self neglect….. not to put too finer acupuncture needle point on it. 🤓

Here’s some stuff including peer review research articles to assuage your doubts. Maybe you’ve tried this but I suspect you are a bit needle resistant, just trust, it’s so great, really amazing, spiritual deep, you’ll love it once over any block you may have. (if it’s truly insurmountable go shiatsu/pressure point therapy instead)

I love acupuncture, I would have acupuncture weekly just for the tension release & you can barely feel the pins most of the time, just start with less pins, admit any fears to the practitioner & get a practitioner on their good reputation.

One last comment though…. I’ve been a very long time looking at health issues through the Natural Health & Wholeness lens & I believe you will never, your bodymind will never put down a thing that it’s made use of to get its needs met unless you are ready to listen to your body asking for, well it’s rest & down time isn’t it, that workaholic/ADHD types override their body for the neurotransmitter prize as well as worldly success obviously too….. not to diminish the desirability or necessity of these things one iota but the point remains the same, to bastardise a Led Zeppelin song title.

Anyway here you go Ryan & I’m so very proud of your sobriety, your continued self healing in therapy & all your self publishing & your pirate record company achievements. (I will get Chris when it streams…… I can tell it’s great, that I’ll love it from the feedback & reviews your getting) (oh & I love you always ever whatever etc but you know that 💜)

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6660197/

Quote 

“The classic symptoms of Meniere's disease are vertigo, tinnitus and deafness, but for all the treated patients vertigo was the most uncomfortable and distressing symptom. In all our cases vertigo stopped after a few acupuncture courses; but in our opinion it is more important to follow and control hearing threshold, since if it remains stable the other symptoms of Meniere's disease also do not persist.”

https://www.healthcmi.com/Acupuncture-Continuing-Education-News/1864-acupuncture-and-herbs-eliminate-meniere-s-disease

“Acupuncture has been proven clinically effective for the treatment of Meniere’s disease, a disorder characterized by vertigo, hearing loss, and tinnitus. Researchers determined that acupuncture produces a 100% total effective rate. The results indicate that acupuncture is safe and effective for the treatment of Meniere’s disease. [1]”

https://asu.pure.elsevier.com/en/publications/the-treatment-of-menieres-disease-with-acupuncture-and-chinese-me

“The patient had been treated with conventional medication, which did not resolve their symptoms. Over a period of ten weeks involving 14 acupuncture treatments and Chinese herbal medication, the patient's vertigo completely resolved and concomitant symptoms such as tinnitus and sensorineural hearing loss also improved.”

Co-Occurance Bipolar & ADHD

 A screen grab looking at the co-morbidity & genetic overlaps

SUD is substance use disorder - while I’m loooong time clean of alcohol & even longer of anything else.…. I had a month off nicotine at the end of last year which felt so brilliant & amazing but I buckled at a major trigger….. so I’m back on the weakest nicotine, 1% in pure VG vape that I make up myself……. I’d say it’s definitely 95% better than smoking for someone like me with long long term addictive tendencies 

It’s what it is.

(I will re-do this post properly in a bit with some links to research articles etc)