Sense of Self in BPD in Remission

Oh what a happy title to be able to write. Hard won, so hard won. So i've been pondering the implications of having BPD in remission on my internal sense of self now compared with back in the day when I lived in an undiagnosed constant BPD haze, a fug of dysphoric mind stuff with attendant on-edge reactivity.

Being so much in the clear atm the difference is as night to day & though im always open to being wrong im feeling very much that what we call our sense of self, in the final analysis, after all the extraneous crap is out of the way will be found to be the simple yet hard won matter of being connected to the subtle compass of our real feeling self. The still small voice they call it although to me its is more a dictionary of subtle feeling in the body.

This is the true self as far as I am concerned & in BPD especially with its dysphoric pall of emotio-sensory discomfort but also Bipolar with so much distraction & loud nervous system dysfunction, it is very very hard to feel/hear, hence the famous disconnect.

The hard won part is simply that much of the trauma body accompanying, likely actually the cause of & main constituent part of severe mental conditions such as I suffer, that layer must be felt unconditionally in order to heal it. This is no small order when, as is often the case, disassociation/depersonalisation tendencies are baked in to most trauma bodies.

The reason ive been pondering this is because I keep hearing folk talk about Personality Disorders & saying well it's your personality what can you do? So this is not my experience at all. I do not relate to the dysphoric, reactionary elements of myself as being an intrinsic part of my personality but rather they are a part of my illness. The complication is when you are living under the pall of a condition for a very long time without identifying it as separate from yourself, which seems to be what a lot of people are doing. 

So I mean, you are owning these broken, damaged energies, holding them up as representing you internally when you don't need to, imo, you just need to become aware of the thought forms & urges & observe. I had a non action clause for a long time because I knew my urges were out of whack with who I wanted to be. Non action is easier than better action I found so it was a neutral & a missed gain but better than a loss which might capitulate.

I mean there's a subtle rub here, that broken energy is you, was you & you must reintegrate it into yourself, you must hold it in a maternal level of conscious awareness without resentment to be whole & well but it does not represent you, it represents harm that was done to you. It represents energy that fractured into unconsciousness in order to save the rest of you.

So, can Personality Disorders heal? Absolutely. But first you have to become aware of when your PD is not in charge & when it is & develop the wisdom on a daily to know the difference. 

That's my ten pence worth - have at it ;)

Fit n fitter - I Shouldn't Really Be Here

I’m really quite physically fit, fitter than I’ve ever been amazingly but over 50 I do accept that my tummy is now doing it’s own thing to quite a large degree now…. Unconnected to exercise or calorific intake…. just off in its own apparently…. lol 

No it’s lovely 🥰 I’ve worked really hard to achieve even this & it’s lovely…… Gratuitous bikini pix to you. 

If you’ve suffered severe mental health problems & you make it past 40 you’ve done so amazingly well - the stats are clear…. My imaginary autobiography would be called “I shouldn’t really be here”. If you add up the life years lost to each of my conditions it adds up, using the max stat for each condition to exaggerate for effect…… to almost all of my mad massive 55 years that I’ve achieved

ADHD loses you between 11-13 yrs of life when still active in adulthood, with women disproportionately more likely to die from accident….(that’s very ADD)

BPD = a risk of 15-20 yrs lost and Bipolar 1 can lose you 11-20 from the average life expectancy.

I know that’s a overdramatic way of viewing it but I’ve used it for affect…. The overall average for severe mental illness is about 10 yrs lost….but it’s the quality of life lost thats the real disaster for all mental illness imo…..the suffering, the loneliness, the low self esteem…. that’s what’s really tough…..be kind to yourself for gods sake & practice having your own back for when no one else does. 💜🙌

The difference between having long term severe mental illness & having a breakdown (*edited)

So I watched this & it got me sparking so I thought I’d share: Trauma, Shame & Being Enough

So Patti & I agree that within all so called Mental Illness is brain & nervous system dysfunction caused by some kind of trauma, a maladaptive response to stress &/or insurmountable stress.

Then I’d like to add Dr Amens thoughts about general anaesthetic, sedation & even local anaesthetic & then also head injury from accident or sports contributing to long term mental illness structurally via direct hardware brain/nervous system injury.

 *Then theres the obvious systemic inflammation from poor diet, food sensitivities & ready irritants like alcohol & drugs both legal & illegal (with exclusions in both those latter categories for some people eg CBD seems especially helpful across the board) confounding the nervous system particularly during childhood & adolescence reeking havoc on susceptible developing physiologies*

But I have the question….. what is the difference between a robust nervous system that can withstand endless insults of a range of types without developing a serious longterm fault or which recovers its prior function relatively swiftly & easily & one that simply does not or cannot.

We used to call it a constitutionally highly strung type because of course, the more sensitive someone is the more likely to spiral into increasing mental illness, that is; nervous system dysfunction, when faced with overwhelming stress or psychological insult. But the nurture aspect is crucial too. Support, genuine unconditional, family, community, friendship support can make or break a nervous system, I have no doubt, just as negative experiences in family or community can condemn us to a worse life. 

Like attracts like, of this i'm sure. My social circles in the past largely ended up with diagnoses or early death from Substance Use Disorders, old world alcoholism & drug addiction, that the vile Right Wing press would still have you believe is a weakness of character & not trying hard enough rather than what it is; the surface expression & attempted suppression of the symptoms of serious Nervous System Dysfunction. The eventual diagnoses or self diagnoses have all been, across the board, the most helpful thing for all of these people.

Patti's Talk I think is a worthy discussion for those who have had a single intense period of breakdown after really being predominantly functional, but it needs to be known that these bouncing back robust types have perhaps not suffered insurmountable psychological or physical adversity without adequate support. 

For those of us with long term ongoing nervous system dysfunction, there is for sure something of use for us in this talk, but id like to see the difference in these 2 groups discussed more frequently & deeply to help us find more answers for all.

NPD & BPD

I’ve had a phenomenal week, nearly a week off social media, really I’m talking about Twitter, where I’m not very social rather I’m informative or hope to be of service informationally. 

The sun has shone & I’ve managed multiple escapes to the sea with a healthy wide range of grandchildren, friends & watersports equipment. My energy, my mood, my self esteem has been great. Absent permanent anxiety my nervous system is clearly healing, finally, about bloody time.

There was a dog fight incident, absolutely not my fault, that prior to working with BPD/ADHD resources, isochonic tones, polyvagal stuff etc would have taken me days to recover from, I recovered in 15 mins just like a normal functional nervous system!

Absolutely brilliant. So very pleased.

I also bounced back from some, what I will call Narcissistic Abuse in pretty smart order during this week too. This is incredible progress for me. Coming back for years & actually decades in the dark with a broken nervous system were my capacity to trust in my thinking & my capacity to process was basically nil for so much of the time, to be able to determine that another party has injured me, unintentionally although through selfish motivations & the classic Narcissistic low empathy for consequences of their actions has been paradoxically, a real boost to my self confidence, self trust & sense of self esteem.

Also doubly paradoxically because had I not risked the interaction I would not have incurred the injury but then I would not have discovered my new improved robust recovery capability! BPD & ADHD have heightened risk of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, which is actually multiplied when comorbid, so this is no small success, not at all. I genuinely feel that this experience has given me hope that I could weather real world relationships with a firmer footing in self reliance & self confidence that I had not expected to achieve without the, for me impossible expense of personal therapy.

Another way of saying that is that I still felt I was much much more fragile than I actually turned out to be under interpersonal pressure, so thank you! I’ve been shielding my nervous system for so long, understandably when the consequences of not used to be a 9 month Bipolar 1 depression plus BPD neurosis & psychosis ugh with literally zero support psychologically, physically or financially…. with actual hinderance from others rather than support … my god I’ve been a resilient bastard…. I really have…. talk about dogged…. a trait I admire in others apparently has been truly under my belt this entire lifetime. 

It’s got me thinking though, because BPD & NPD are both ‘cluster b’ next of kin, like sister & brother….. incredibly 8% of men carry narcissistic traits enough to be considered Narcissistic, it’s like NPD is the male version of BPD in a way…… it’s like those super super sensitive children who aren’t supported to learn healthy emotional regulation &/or are actively emotionally, psychologically, physically or sexually abused, that deep early trauma wounding becomes the basis for the toughened shell of NPD or the skinless wrecked nervous system of BPD….. they are the same kind of untouchable wounds, kind of, but being managed in very different kind of opposing ways.

Narcissists are getting a really bad press atm, online therapists are on their trail & are teaching their victims how to defend themselves in vast numbers atm. But I want to interject 2 things here. 

Everyone has access to a narcissistic state of mind/being because selfishness is just a human trait, the degree to which its balanced with compassion & empathy will dictate the general psych wellness of an individual. The more protection the body/mind decides it needs to survive the more fiercely & densely Narcissism will grow.

And secondly I really object to the amount of 'these people are unhealable' that's going on in the online wellness community. Never forget that until about 15 years ago with Marsha Lineham & DBT arriving, BPD was also deemed completely impossible & unhealable & for the good of all concerned we were locked heavily medicated for decades in Mental Institutions - literally binned as human beings & now the recovery rate is very very good & still growing exponentially.

I do consider that had I been unequivocally forced into certain more oppressive situations in my 20’s I would have either died or managed to mutate into a much more aggressively self seeking self serving narcissistic person in order to survive….. I like to think I would have been able to do that rather than just give up & die, maybe that's bs though but as a thought experiment I’m having it.

So what’s my pondering today, what’s my subject here…..well it’s healing NPD I guess. Being almost the male version of BPD for basic sex difference reasons that speak for themselves….. innate male competitive urge & innate female cooperation urge being a good starting point.

So what’s the sticking point, why do Therapists generally imply that NPD is so much less healable than BPD? Seemingly, the core defence shell of the NPD is made up of, in part, lies & manipulation that is required to maintain the all important Narcissistic Supply that prevents direct experience of the low self image, deep trauma wounds & resulting psyche insecurity that are the roots of NPD. Even Therapists can be manipulated by a convincing habitual liar if the NPD is determined enough.

NPDs have to be committed to dissolving their protective shell made of lies & manipulation as the very first position,  no matter what horror that reveals,  that & forgiving themselves, everyday, & that doesn’t mean it’s ok to wound others, of course not but to become awake to what they thought they were getting by doing the manipulation in the first place….. which is the buffer of Narc supply…. a buffer for the low self image that they’ve lived under for too long.

I’m absolutely convinced this is healable, and that the way is honesty…..  honesty to yourself first & foremost & then to those that matter to you most, even if it’s after the fact, even when you make the old mechanical error of lying, admit it, correct it, every time you can, that's a skill, build it, give yourself that gift, underneath that awful weight of self hatred for being fake is such a profoundly beautiful sensitive child who I simply adore & always will. 

We are in a stunningly psychologically savvy, personal development focused social media world atm where info about traits & diagnoses & attendant evidence based resources are flooding into our deprived consciousnesses initiating awareness, growth & healing. Its all to win, it really is.

💜💜

Loss of faith in my thoughts (plus)

It’s understandable that after a period of time being wonky/ BPD episode is a good descriptor, that I have this reluctance to share anything. That last piece was going to be a sentence & some photos but I went stream of consciousness about beauty & then kept remembering fragments I had wanted to say. I’ve been watching TEDTalks about ADHD which has been really nice, it’s the most socially acceptable bit of my diagnoses I think, yet it is definitely really difficult to live with. I can forget what I’m thinking before I’ve even finished cognitising the thought, it feels like thoughts disappear into the ether, tracelessly, just leaving the frustrating sensation that I’ve just forgotten something important. 

I saw Dylan Moran on his recent ‘We Got This’ tour & he talked about losing memory & forgetting more as he’s got older, he’s talked of it before I think, he described it beautifully of course, “ don’t worry if you forget things your thinking about, there will always be more” he said dryly. Dylan strikes me as a potential ADHDer - he’s definitely got something wide of the norm going on there - he was drinking again on stage which I was surprised at, & he spoke of how he’d mastered sobriety, so he could drink again …..but then if you can handle it, & most with mental illness must have to say that they cannot, alcohol is a deliverer of the important relaxant neurotransmitter GABA to the blood stream…… I have other less addictive, less inflammatory ways of doing that myself.

So, organising my thoughts, creative ideas, to do list is/has always been a real struggle for me. I’ve actually done some major, long overdue house organising since I’ve been using Isochronic Tones…. Some areas of the house had been moved around whilst I was very brain damaged post high & things like my passport recently surfaced, outside in the porch in an amusing bag of mixed historical items….. that’s typical of the confused brain state of post high. 

How can I know that my disorganisation is ADHD not just brain damage from Bipolar episodes? 

Well, that’s why it’s taken so very long to get here. It’s the internal sense that I’ve reached ‘my normal’, my best functioning state, again, after a very long time being much less functional than that & then discovering anew that that ‘best’ state, as I perceive it, is indeed really bloody difficult in itself & has all the hallmarks of inattentive ADHD all over it. To be honest, it was remembering starting secondary school & how being baffled became my main mental, emotional state & what I now know are ADHD traits from then, from a time clearly pre Bipolar.

I just didn’t know why I was so frustrated & scatterbrained before….. and I was dealing with ridiculously long deep depressions & then hyposmanias that both scrambled my brain further….. never mind the BPD traits, how the fuck can you describe that, it’s like layers of dysfunction on dysfunction that somehow nobody else around me was taking seriously.

Maybe I had quite quiet BPD, certainly, in relationship, the main battleground of BPD, I’d be likely to just go into a deep depression at the depth of my difficulty, reactivity & defeatedness once the ever loving, intense, I guess love bombing? hypersexual bonding early stages faded & hot & cold, yes I did that definitely, “ you are perfect/ I hate you” that’s very BPD & I hated it, I commonly felt entirely defeated by relationships, my total instability & thus reliance of this person who I equally experienced as an enemy or as a friend. And yet the loss of, perceived loss of or abandonment by this person was like being killed, every time, slain, hopelessly destroyed & hating them all the more for having that monumental power over me. Excruciating yet unable to sensibly get away until they forced it. Quite rightly. “But you are not getting better” he said. I wasn’t, I was getting worse, the stress of hateful dependency on someone with no intention or interest in meeting any of my needs as a single mum with kids, on benefits, so at sea, so directionless, yet so loving, so kind, so accepting but so confused, endlessly confused, endlessly sorry for having a reaction, so jealous, so possessive, so lonely, so scared of a big bipolar episode then oblivious when one started.

It’s so hard not to attribute blame to people around me but I can see clearly now that about half of those around me, those who continually normalised my suicidal ideation, my hypersexuality, my binge drinking where also undiagnosed severe mentally ill & the other half were, due to their own energetic deficits were taking advantage of my intense vulnerability to feel better about themselves. Of course I attracted Narcissists, all vulnerable people attract NPD types who coldly take what they want & damn the cost to anyone else.

I’ve ranted, I’ll stop 🤔🤗🙂☺️ (if I repeat myself, I guess I do, then forgive me, I guess I’m using my blog as therapy…. So wtv)

PS

Ah, I just want to add a note about Narcissists & NPD here. Similarly to BPD, the popular preconception of these is really so bad & probably justifiably to a point but not all of us with these conditions are wilfully aiming to harm, in fact I’d say most are not aiming to harm. There is a big overlap between NPD & BPD, as much as 40% BPD have narcissistic traits I believe. Am I in that? You tell me, you are as likely to know from perceiving me from outside as I am from in here with all these perceptual aberrations. I think not, personally, I’m too much of a martyr I think….. but contrary to the popular position I think hating on us with these misunderstood conditions is vile. It is thought to be even more painful to be Narcissistic than it is to have BPD, so that’s saying something. Have compassion….remove yourself to safety but have compassion. Anyone that seeks help should be encouraged & supported, these illnesses are entirely life-destroying if allowed to be. Have hope if you have such yourself, you have my deepest sympathy, stay vigilant but have hope. 💗

Dopamine Highs & Lows...... Vs Oxytocin

In this fascinating video Russell Brand & the author of "Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, psychiatrist Dr. Anna Lembke" discuss how even relatively low Dopamine surges demand brain chemistry to self correct pretty swiftly causing a slight low. This is a general human response, as in everyone will experience this although i'm aware that as a Bipolar 1 sufferer i'm probably more experientially knowledgeable re: high & low dopamine at very extreme levels than a lot of people.

I had various degrees of Anorexia throughout roughly 2002-2008, some poverty related but much related to my Emotional Dysregulation that I now know to have been undiagnosed BPD plus BP1 - I was very very conscious at that time that i desperately needed Oxytocin, I was in the aftermath of a bad relationship break up but also a very disorientating Bipolar high (I was undiagnosed ) - I remember I used to fantasise about having my hair brushed by kind women friends which is terrifically emblematic of Oxytocin production to my mind, but I was suffering such a serious Bipolar depression by that point that I was not able to muster the strength to get any help.

I was always researching natural health & I found that Oxytocin was in development as a pain relieving, mood improving, anti anxiety medicine at that time, 2004 ish - I did not have a pet yet, a really top valuable Oxytocin provider. Singing in a group & along with music is also another well known way to get 'free' Oxytocin. But I was single & having drunken one night stands in a desperate bid for Oxytocin but to no avail. You get masses of exciting Dopamine but without that lovely cuddle hormone to soften the drop.

In fact i'd go so far as to say I don't think you can make Oxytocin from casual sex when you are drunk, which is why you might feel uncomfortable when you next see the person rather then warmly fond..... that's just my personal observation. If i'm correct, that makes that kind of sex much more expensive in terms of problematic brain chemistry (see video above) than sex in a trusted pair bond scenario. (i'm open to this maybe being a bit different for some intrinsically polyamorous types; assume naturally high Oxytocin status?) 

Just to clarify, the following is not about people who have an innately strong Oxytocin supply naturally. That is they do not suffer from any of the mental health issues mentioned, get over break ups with relative ease, feel naturally welcome in life generally, for want of a better description. I know because I don't so easily get these things up & running..... its a huge conscious effort for me.

One further point I want to insert here is that naturally occurring post-birth Oxytocin & indeed any pair bond Oxytocin famously can bring with it an increased sense of a spiritual dimension to life, I guess coming in via the feelings of safety, connectedness, oneness pointing the self towards an increased sense of an overarching cosmic consciousness. Which is lovely & a bit magical.

I tried to find research on the down side of supplemental Oxytocin & whilst there seemed to be only a positive response in sufferers of serious nervous system dysfunction;  PTSD, Anxiety, ASD, ADHD, eating disorders etc, 'well' people in the research could suffer the unwanted side affect of increased empathy to the subtle emotional signalling of strangers/acquaintances, potentially resulting in unnecessary intense emotional reactions. (This last bit makes me think that BPD might included a particular hyper sensitivity to Oxytocin or the absence of or problems with creating it in some way)

It seems to me to be beyond obvious that we should trial supplemental nasal spray Oxytocin in the deemed largely 'untreatable' Anti-Social Personality Disorder/Sociopathy/Psychopathy & Narcissistic Personality Disorder cohort. These disorders all suffer from a basic, deep seated lack of empathy, resulting in huge problems in life & relationships. Maybe its been done. I hope so.

It seems pretty obvious that unimpeded Oxytocin production during childhood, the steady feeling of belonging in a family, in a community, being physically comforted when you need to etc etc powerfully lays a framework for nervous system wellness in later life & that Physical & Psychological trauma interferes with Oxytocin production among other things, of that there is no doubt.

https://www.verywellmind.com/does-oxytocin-affect-your-mental-health-5114940

I find this subject absolutely fascinating. It accounts for why, for myself, casual relationships, one night stands are innately painful in a way that's really hard to describe. I think that making love without making Oxytocin requires the participants to be 'out of it' in some way, so with a blunted awareness of the lowering of boundaries & self consciousness, vulnerability etc hence why inhibition removing alcohol is a drug of choice wherever very casual sex is lauded as a very casual pastime.

I haven't so much as had my hand held romantically for over a decade..... that's quite extreme isn't it. I've had one serious 2 year relationship since I gave up alcohol in 2007 & zero casual hook ups...... the reason is within the statement I think.

In my defence I was undiagnosed, actively misdiagnosed as not having Bipolar in fact & yet knew absolutely there was something seriously wrong with me for the longest time. My dating aversion has been as much to protect others from my emotional dysregulation as it has been to protect myself from triggers. Unfortunately, my best efforts at close friends were also smited by undiagnosed BPD elements that I did not understand at all & was immensely frustrated by too.

So happy to now know what's wrong with me, so happy to be working on myself & being my own wellness project - Happy Valentines Day 💜  (for tomorrow)