Astrology plus Comedy

Equals….I don’t know…..a very wandering mind….

https://astromatrix.org/Horoscopes/Planet-Aspects/Moon-Square-Mercury

Natal Moon Square Mercury, I have this aspect - I also have Venus Square Moon to add insult to injury….don’t get me started on all my Venus oppositions, that lot alone results in a pretty clear depiction of BPD imho.

If you don’t like or believe in Astrology please just suspend your judgement temporarily for the sake of discursive entertainment & try to appreciate it as a bunch of well meaning Empaths reading the equivalent of feely tealeaves in the star canopy over millennia providing us with an idealogical skeleton which allows us to self directly dabble in a solo person centred therapy lucky dip. 

I like Astrology as a self development tool to dig around & gain insight. Some aspects won’t resonate strongly but when one does resonate with your current experience it can grant you a key to unlock a psychological door which otherwise may be missed. For example I only clocked that I had this aspect when I noticed my favourite person has it & I was looking at how it might play out for them 

I’d say we have an opposite dominance with this aspect (me & thee) I reckon I’d be Mercury dominant in this aspect as I’ve got Mercury in the 1st house of visible self, conjunct Venus in Pisces, I’m Pisces rising & fundamentally 12th house Pisces Sun….. but Gemini Moon makes that a kind of psychic swap shop of energies if I was appraising the positive, due to the mental nature of Gemini & the slippery ephemeral non physical nature of Pisces but I acknowledge the square energy, a blockage, a deflection, not flowing……. It’s my unwillingness to communicate, even just playing around with anything creatively, which being mainly a musician if I had to nail my colours to any professional mast, is pretty crushing.

That was a very dynamic statement wasn’t it. That brings me to that I’ve been wanting to share that I kind of did a reconnaissance mission of *all* my favourite comedians in the spring….. on my own….. i never went to sit down shows before, I always hated being stuck in a seat (ADHD much) I couldn’t afford tickets, never had a working vehicle, no one to go with (adversity much) social phobia, acrophobia, GAD, no support but Ive been building up to it gradually & Isochronic Tones Therapy really helps me.

I did it as an exercise in stoicism & I was great, i was really great, I grew some, I learned stuff, unfortunately I had a childish kind of myopic experience in regards to other people in their pairs in which I was not, & it kind of reinforced for me how difficult pairs are or could be out in the heightened scrutiny of the public zone….. but that’s another story….

I’m deeply attracted to comedy as an transformational art form, although I’m not personally built for doing it, I don’t think, unfortunately. Its Shamanic healing capacity so distinct with its instantaneous affect on neurotransmitters & im sure, brainwave frequency (oh I’d like to find out about that) 

 I’ve heard Eddie Izzard say that the unwritten rule in comedy is that you can only truly mock in good conscience that which you are or that you suffer….. so my potential to explore the myriad, ephemeral realms of Neurodiversity & my own experience of *so very many* Severe Mental Illness’s is a waste of good material tbh with a very well defined self selecting audience. Oh my, dissociation & paranoia jokes incoming…… or are they? 😅😂

Stewart Lee did a brilliant dramatic small section on aggressive intrusive thoughts late on in his Snowflake Tornado show, I loved it but I did not feel that that many members of the audience reacted as if they had direct first hand experience of what he was describing, which I do…. I appreciated that so much. I’ve felt such an outcast with my mental health, I appreciate that inclusion, that exposure so much.

I am deeply struck & moved by Stewart Lee saying on stage “I still don’t know what this is” about his craft as a whole and/or maybe also about his particularly unique & extraordinary version of it. I can really feel that statement, it’s like a moment of merging with the divine by pointing at it but then allowing it to be undefinable, uncontainable, it’s both a tantric comedy moment when he says it & a genuine description of the tantric potential of comedy.

Just as my imaginary music album has a name, and an Astro name at that, see a much earlier post, my imaginary comedy show would be called  “I just wish I’d charged”  see more recent posts 😅😂🤣 oh I’ll give it away 🤭 ….. it’s a Hypersexuality related title there that is….. for those that wonder.

Not all those that wonder remain lost. But those that wander may wonder realistically why not. 

Anyway

Here’s a couple of stolen astro graphics re Moon Square Mercury

My Current Isochronic Tones Playlist

So all the credit here goes to Jason Lewis, the man behind the music of ‘Mend Amend’ - find a massive catalog free to use on YouTube with beautiful graphics or stream on all the usual streaming services. Obviously there are others but currently, for me, MindAmend has it all. Here is his entirely extraordinary YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/c/MindAmend & here is his Website for purchases https://www.mindamend.com/

My god these things have become the love of my life, yes there are times when they don’t help but actually they are few & far between- the relief is still mostly whilst I’m using them but I feel that this will be gradually accumulative & as is the main rational behind some medication I am convinced that time spent being well & functional encourages further stabilisation of & establishment of those brain states of being well & functional. Just as time spent being unsupported in mental disorganisation &/or emotionally dsyregulated reinforces that. Anxiety, generally speaking still down to a decent 1/2 out of 10 from a previous daily without trigger 7/8 out if 10 - if this is the only change I’d still think it’s a wonder but I know there is much much more to gain.

I’m using the Schumann Resonance ones a lot - this is the speed of the Earths own frequency on the borderline of calm Theta to ‘work a day’ Alpha at 7.83hz - SR is my go to calm but alert tone & it totally enhances time spent in nature, deepening the sense of connection & experiential involvement as part of nature. My home base tone.

When I wake up too early & get unwanted premature surges of cortisol I go to Theta around 5.5hz & if I don’t get back to sleep at least I am not being tortured by cortisol induced pain & panic type thinking - so that’s a huge win, a huge asset to better sleep or at least a meditative calm alternative.

I have come to rely on the Complex Tasks isochronic tones sets, wait for it……...to cope with doing the dishes & making lunch 🤣……yes……tasks that many take for granted have always brought anxiety creating disorganisation & stress for me…… it’s so embarrassing but once I begin something like this my brain shoots off in 10 other directions & it takes a massive amount of patience & self forgiveness to complete this basic task without starting to glue up my wellies or organise the recycling after I’ve put the eggs on….. 

Finally, an honourable mention to the ADD/ADHD Intense Relief tones where he essentially de-emotionsalises the brain by speeding up the rational left brain higher than the creative/emotional right side - I think it’s like brain gym, like practicing rationality from a purely mechanical, anatomical, functional direction. I think it’s wonderful & these ones can bring me out of a funk sometimes. Usually being in nature with Schumann Resonance is the way to go for low mood though.

I achieved some, for me extremely complex tasks to do with music technology reasonably sensibly with the help of one of the Peak Focus tone sets. Jason has even inspired me to go electric as a previously confirmed acoustic musician….. I now have a Synth, prepped an Isochronic tone backing track of my own & opened GarageBand for the first time in 15 yrs…. 😄 - wires, leads, I dealt with those at length without a panic attack. I call that a real win. 😅

Loss of faith in my thoughts (plus)

It’s understandable that after a period of time being wonky/ BPD episode is a good descriptor, that I have this reluctance to share anything. That last piece was going to be a sentence & some photos but I went stream of consciousness about beauty & then kept remembering fragments I had wanted to say. I’ve been watching TEDTalks about ADHD which has been really nice, it’s the most socially acceptable bit of my diagnoses I think, yet it is definitely really difficult to live with. I can forget what I’m thinking before I’ve even finished cognitising the thought, it feels like thoughts disappear into the ether, tracelessly, just leaving the frustrating sensation that I’ve just forgotten something important. 

I saw Dylan Moran on his recent ‘We Got This’ tour & he talked about losing memory & forgetting more as he’s got older, he’s talked of it before I think, he described it beautifully of course, “ don’t worry if you forget things your thinking about, there will always be more” he said dryly. Dylan strikes me as a potential ADHDer - he’s definitely got something wide of the norm going on there - he was drinking again on stage which I was surprised at, & he spoke of how he’d mastered sobriety, so he could drink again …..but then if you can handle it, & most with mental illness must have to say that they cannot, alcohol is a deliverer of the important relaxant neurotransmitter GABA to the blood stream…… I have other less addictive, less inflammatory ways of doing that myself.

So, organising my thoughts, creative ideas, to do list is/has always been a real struggle for me. I’ve actually done some major, long overdue house organising since I’ve been using Isochronic Tones…. Some areas of the house had been moved around whilst I was very brain damaged post high & things like my passport recently surfaced, outside in the porch in an amusing bag of mixed historical items….. that’s typical of the confused brain state of post high. 

How can I know that my disorganisation is ADHD not just brain damage from Bipolar episodes? 

Well, that’s why it’s taken so very long to get here. It’s the internal sense that I’ve reached ‘my normal’, my best functioning state, again, after a very long time being much less functional than that & then discovering anew that that ‘best’ state, as I perceive it, is indeed really bloody difficult in itself & has all the hallmarks of inattentive ADHD all over it. To be honest, it was remembering starting secondary school & how being baffled became my main mental, emotional state & what I now know are ADHD traits from then, from a time clearly pre Bipolar.

I just didn’t know why I was so frustrated & scatterbrained before….. and I was dealing with ridiculously long deep depressions & then hyposmanias that both scrambled my brain further….. never mind the BPD traits, how the fuck can you describe that, it’s like layers of dysfunction on dysfunction that somehow nobody else around me was taking seriously.

Maybe I had quite quiet BPD, certainly, in relationship, the main battleground of BPD, I’d be likely to just go into a deep depression at the depth of my difficulty, reactivity & defeatedness once the ever loving, intense, I guess love bombing? hypersexual bonding early stages faded & hot & cold, yes I did that definitely, “ you are perfect/ I hate you” that’s very BPD & I hated it, I commonly felt entirely defeated by relationships, my total instability & thus reliance of this person who I equally experienced as an enemy or as a friend. And yet the loss of, perceived loss of or abandonment by this person was like being killed, every time, slain, hopelessly destroyed & hating them all the more for having that monumental power over me. Excruciating yet unable to sensibly get away until they forced it. Quite rightly. “But you are not getting better” he said. I wasn’t, I was getting worse, the stress of hateful dependency on someone with no intention or interest in meeting any of my needs as a single mum with kids, on benefits, so at sea, so directionless, yet so loving, so kind, so accepting but so confused, endlessly confused, endlessly sorry for having a reaction, so jealous, so possessive, so lonely, so scared of a big bipolar episode then oblivious when one started.

It’s so hard not to attribute blame to people around me but I can see clearly now that about half of those around me, those who continually normalised my suicidal ideation, my hypersexuality, my binge drinking where also undiagnosed severe mentally ill & the other half were, due to their own energetic deficits were taking advantage of my intense vulnerability to feel better about themselves. Of course I attracted Narcissists, all vulnerable people attract NPD types who coldly take what they want & damn the cost to anyone else.

I’ve ranted, I’ll stop 🤔🤗🙂☺️ (if I repeat myself, I guess I do, then forgive me, I guess I’m using my blog as therapy…. So wtv)

PS

Ah, I just want to add a note about Narcissists & NPD here. Similarly to BPD, the popular preconception of these is really so bad & probably justifiably to a point but not all of us with these conditions are wilfully aiming to harm, in fact I’d say most are not aiming to harm. There is a big overlap between NPD & BPD, as much as 40% BPD have narcissistic traits I believe. Am I in that? You tell me, you are as likely to know from perceiving me from outside as I am from in here with all these perceptual aberrations. I think not, personally, I’m too much of a martyr I think….. but contrary to the popular position I think hating on us with these misunderstood conditions is vile. It is thought to be even more painful to be Narcissistic than it is to have BPD, so that’s saying something. Have compassion….remove yourself to safety but have compassion. Anyone that seeks help should be encouraged & supported, these illnesses are entirely life-destroying if allowed to be. Have hope if you have such yourself, you have my deepest sympathy, stay vigilant but have hope. 💗

ive got lots to blog

 & lots of good things to share but im all backed up on my inner hard drive - so here have some vanity selfies from today instead 💗💜💚 im a bit too old to get vain really but it goes to show it can happen to anyone, I spent most of my adult life unable to find a hairbrush & avoiding mirrors & photos….. but then we are living in the Age of Vanity, of beauty/image worship/fetishism aren’t we…..I think we are, more than ever before, I suppose, with the onus now on the individual now able to compete to some extent with Hollywood standards of beauty that 50 yrs ago most would have happily experienced as unattainable.  No market in unattainable though is there….. 

I think I just spend too much time on my own & im the most interesting thing in my environment - but no, I do get pleasure out of make-up, its such an easy self expression even when im blocked up in other ways. I’ve been in a BPD episode for a few days I think, its been building for a while before that, I should make the effort to describe it better, I know, & its so much clearer to perceive & assess without the backdrop of permanent anxiety. What I will say though, is just how deeply & keenly it alters my perception of the world, just completely 100% different; that social phobia with paranoia, almost psychosis in perception, its only because im largely under no stress in my life, or none I cannot duck out of anyway, that I can see it for what it is so clearly. I would have to withdraw from any sort of busy environment. Fortunately, Im able to spend a lot of time in Nature which is so forgiving of those perceptions. Distortion, majorly distorted perception with foggy thinking & lostness, so very very uncomfortable. I had started not being able to tweet my opinions on Twitter, again, I’d write a reply then delete it in doubt & confusion. I’d freeze. This seems to have been a much milder episode & shorter than other ones I’ve spoken about on here but still really horrible.

Im still getting *lots* of help & relief from my Isochronic tones but I could dearly do with help from a therapist (even Samaritans?) for my BPD core trigger stuff.

Ive been making voice notes on my phone to try to help me to remember things I want to share, I have such an abysmal time trying to organise myself, my thoughts & ideas etc & I do have a lot of them ( thx god I have made the ADHD connection 🙄 though) & I did a whole 5 minutes about loneliness & mental illness which Id like to share - - - we'll see - lots of love

Binaural Beats Cooler Cousin - Isochronic Tones- Binaural Beats Geek Article

https://www.binauralbeatsgeek.com/isochronic-tones/

Another Excellent Article 

Here’s the introduction- EXTRACT 

“”

Isochronic Tones: The Beginner's Guide

Isochronic Tones are the newest kids on the block in the world of brain wave entrainment. They can help you to deeply meditate, relax, feel awesome and expand your consciousness - quickly

.

Binaural beats have been around for decades. Single toned isochronics are fresh off the street! I've been using them intensely for 4 months and the results are *very* promising. I'm experiencing stronger, faster and more enjoyable effects than with binaurals.

A year ago no one had heard of isochronic tones, and now everyone and their grandmother are calling them everything from the "strongest BWE technology ever" to (my favourite) "binaural beats on steroids".

This article will:

-introduce you to binaural beats' cooler cousin
-explain the differences between the two
-detail the benefits you will get from using isochronics
-help you make your mind up whether to try them out
-and point you in the right direction.

A Quick Recap

In case you're new here (welcome!), I'll do a 10 second roundup:

Isochronic tones are a form of brain wave entrainment. This means that you use isochronic tones as a way to entrain your brain waves (which means to have them all working in the same way, for example slowed down to the slow, low levels of alpha brain waves).

The benefits of this are varied – you can expect anything from a sense of deep relaxation and peace; to increased happiness and creativity; to vivid visualizations and *big* ideas. 

They are lots of fun, totally rejuvenating and don't require much skill to use (i.e. lay down and put headphones in. If you can manage that, you're on your way.

Oh, if you're lucky (or practice) you'll also soon be reaching a state of hemispheric or brainwave synchronization. This is what Zen meditators struggle to achieve for years, and perhaps is best described as a sense of 'total connectedness with the universe'. It's pretty hard to describe, but it feels pretty awesome and kind of awe-inspiring at times. 

(Read this article for *all* the juicy details on this "peak performance" state)

There has been lots of research and studies done which show that binaural beats and other forms of brain wave entrainment (BWE) increase the production of 'good' chemicals in the body, reduce the output of 'bad' chemicals, decrease anxiety, increase well-being and lots more. If you haven't had a look at this binaural beats research I'd highly recommend you check it out.

These are some of the main reasons that people like to use binaural beats and other forms of BWE. Now we'll look at what makes isochronics unique.

Brainwave Entrainment for Mood, Concentration, Anxiety etc

 https://www.mindamend.com/brainwave-entrainment/isochronic-tones/

Here’s an Extract from this extensive article “”

Isochronic Tones – How They Work, the Benefits and the Research

136 Comments / Brainwave Entrainment / By Jason Lewis

Isochronic tones are a fast and effective audio-based way to stimulate your brain.  Among many of the benefits, they can help improve focus, relaxation, energy levels, sleep and more, without taking drugs or needing any special equipment.

What isochronic tones essentially do, is guide your dominant brainwave activity to a different frequency while you are listening to them, allowing you to influence and change your mental state and how you feel.

The effects can be felt within a few minutes and all you literally have to do is click play and listen.

What You Need to Know About Isochronic Tones

You may have heard of binaural beats which are similar, but an older method of stimulating your brain.  In this in-depth article you will discover:

• The key benefits of isochronic tones and how they work
• How isochronic tones are different and more effective than binaural beats
• How different tone/beat frequencies affect your mental state and the way you feel
• What frequencies do what, and what to look out for
• Are isochronic tones as effective when combined with music?
• How to use isochronic tones effectively and how long the effects last for
• Any potential safety concerns or side effects
• Isochronic tones and binaural beats research and where to find it

Hmmm Iso (less chronic) Tones

(Some big successes as well actually, see below) Small personal success, I’ve got the paddle board on the van on soft bars on my own….. this means I can take the kayak on the van if I get help loading & unloading…. For some reason I thought the van roof was somehow concave or convex or wtv in my mind….. it’s not, it’s flat…..duh…. (It is curved inside though …. Lol) So pleased - essentially I can take both water vehicles out on same trip too, again with help loading…. So exciting! 

I’ve definitely had & am having progress with my overall mental health, it seems to be from the Isochronic Tones, I’m definitely less emotionally reactive (from BPD) over small things which is awesome …. & also I’ve been doing what I call practical technical things that I find really hard to focus on (from ADD) finding some of these things somewhat easier to do so woo 😄 hula hula 🥰

And that’s not even the biggest winner, I credit Isochronic Tones (plus some other Binaural Beats, ADHD specific ones) with a whopping reduction in anxiety from always being more than 6/7 out of 10 to having a baseline 0/2 out of 10 most of the time with also considerably less of an excruciating stress rise when I’m triggered…. To say I’m delighted does not cover it….I’ve suffered constant painful anxiety for years, decades….the longest time.

 I found this comment about ADHD anxiety being different from Anxiety Disorders, having different underpinings….Hopefully I will properly research the difference between GAD & ADHD Anxiety at some point but for now this comment rings true.

Also I’ve dropped my anti-anxiety herb Skullcap & replaced with some ADHD herbs which have different actions in the brain/nervous system (Bacopa & Gingko) so I will include them as being part of this positive shift that I’m in.

The research on Binaural Beats & Iso Tones does not recommend it for those with Severe Mental Illness, that’s a disclaimer that you can take that with a pinch of salt if you’ve ever been screwed around with by mainstream medicine for MH reasons & suffered, which is nearly everyone & if you are ready to take responsibility for being conscious of trusting your perception of how things affect you then this is absolutely for you. 

All natural alternative health things have the bare minimum of research because the big money for research is tied up with big profit pharmaceuticals. But you knew that. 

My New Fav Binaural Beat Video is really Isochronic Tones (oh yes it is)

 Oh I dig this one soooooo much I can’t take it off…..

I can’t copy & paste the video bio but it’s definitely well worth reading if you click through & watch it on YouTube.

Also I wanted to mention the one I liked the Deep Delta with Alpha Binaural Beats one with the ADHD warning very quickly became annoyingly slow! And the 14hz ADHD relief one was & still is really really helpful 😊🥰