Fit n fitter - I Shouldn't Really Be Here

I’m really quite physically fit, fitter than I’ve ever been amazingly but over 50 I do accept that my tummy is now doing it’s own thing to quite a large degree now…. Unconnected to exercise or calorific intake…. just off in its own apparently…. lol 

No it’s lovely 🥰 I’ve worked really hard to achieve even this & it’s lovely…… Gratuitous bikini pix to you. 

If you’ve suffered severe mental health problems & you make it past 40 you’ve done so amazingly well - the stats are clear…. My imaginary autobiography would be called “I shouldn’t really be here”. If you add up the life years lost to each of my conditions it adds up, using the max stat for each condition to exaggerate for effect…… to almost all of my mad massive 55 years that I’ve achieved

ADHD loses you between 11-13 yrs of life when still active in adulthood, with women disproportionately more likely to die from accident….(that’s very ADD)

BPD = a risk of 15-20 yrs lost and Bipolar 1 can lose you 11-20 from the average life expectancy.

I know that’s a overdramatic way of viewing it but I’ve used it for affect…. The overall average for severe mental illness is about 10 yrs lost….but it’s the quality of life lost thats the real disaster for all mental illness imo…..the suffering, the loneliness, the low self esteem…. that’s what’s really tough…..be kind to yourself for gods sake & practice having your own back for when no one else does. 💜🙌

The difference between having long term severe mental illness & having a breakdown (*edited)

So I watched this & it got me sparking so I thought I’d share: Trauma, Shame & Being Enough

So Patti & I agree that within all so called Mental Illness is brain & nervous system dysfunction caused by some kind of trauma, a maladaptive response to stress &/or insurmountable stress.

Then I’d like to add Dr Amens thoughts about general anaesthetic, sedation & even local anaesthetic & then also head injury from accident or sports contributing to long term mental illness structurally via direct hardware brain/nervous system injury.

 *Then theres the obvious systemic inflammation from poor diet, food sensitivities & ready irritants like alcohol & drugs both legal & illegal (with exclusions in both those latter categories for some people eg CBD seems especially helpful across the board) confounding the nervous system particularly during childhood & adolescence reeking havoc on susceptible developing physiologies*

But I have the question….. what is the difference between a robust nervous system that can withstand endless insults of a range of types without developing a serious longterm fault or which recovers its prior function relatively swiftly & easily & one that simply does not or cannot.

We used to call it a constitutionally highly strung type because of course, the more sensitive someone is the more likely to spiral into increasing mental illness, that is; nervous system dysfunction, when faced with overwhelming stress or psychological insult. But the nurture aspect is crucial too. Support, genuine unconditional, family, community, friendship support can make or break a nervous system, I have no doubt, just as negative experiences in family or community can condemn us to a worse life. 

Like attracts like, of this i'm sure. My social circles in the past largely ended up with diagnoses or early death from Substance Use Disorders, old world alcoholism & drug addiction, that the vile Right Wing press would still have you believe is a weakness of character & not trying hard enough rather than what it is; the surface expression & attempted suppression of the symptoms of serious Nervous System Dysfunction. The eventual diagnoses or self diagnoses have all been, across the board, the most helpful thing for all of these people.

Patti's Talk I think is a worthy discussion for those who have had a single intense period of breakdown after really being predominantly functional, but it needs to be known that these bouncing back robust types have perhaps not suffered insurmountable psychological or physical adversity without adequate support. 

For those of us with long term ongoing nervous system dysfunction, there is for sure something of use for us in this talk, but id like to see the difference in these 2 groups discussed more frequently & deeply to help us find more answers for all.

Article Summing up Benefits of Red Light NIR Therapy

 https://platinumtherapylights.com/blogs/news/brain-light-therapy

Here is a really thorough review of the benefits of Red Light Therapy particularly regarding brain health but bear in mind that these guys make devices so it leans a bit towards sales speak & somewhat glorified interpretations of research but skimming through I cannot argue with it much except that, as with most natural therapies, getting proper extensive research done is nigh impossible if it’s going to detract from Big Pharma profit & if you read the possible list of benefits, like natural Progesterone- some unpatentable things just help too many lucrative conditions.

Also, as I said, Sunlight is the real healer. Warmth & Light from the Sun, if your climate & emotional psychological disposition permits, otherwise this therapy might help you get out there. 

My Current Isochronic Tones Playlist

So all the credit here goes to Jason Lewis, the man behind the music of ‘Mend Amend’ - find a massive catalog free to use on YouTube with beautiful graphics or stream on all the usual streaming services. Obviously there are others but currently, for me, MindAmend has it all. Here is his entirely extraordinary YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/c/MindAmend & here is his Website for purchases https://www.mindamend.com/

My god these things have become the love of my life, yes there are times when they don’t help but actually they are few & far between- the relief is still mostly whilst I’m using them but I feel that this will be gradually accumulative & as is the main rational behind some medication I am convinced that time spent being well & functional encourages further stabilisation of & establishment of those brain states of being well & functional. Just as time spent being unsupported in mental disorganisation &/or emotionally dsyregulated reinforces that. Anxiety, generally speaking still down to a decent 1/2 out of 10 from a previous daily without trigger 7/8 out if 10 - if this is the only change I’d still think it’s a wonder but I know there is much much more to gain.

I’m using the Schumann Resonance ones a lot - this is the speed of the Earths own frequency on the borderline of calm Theta to ‘work a day’ Alpha at 7.83hz - SR is my go to calm but alert tone & it totally enhances time spent in nature, deepening the sense of connection & experiential involvement as part of nature. My home base tone.

When I wake up too early & get unwanted premature surges of cortisol I go to Theta around 5.5hz & if I don’t get back to sleep at least I am not being tortured by cortisol induced pain & panic type thinking - so that’s a huge win, a huge asset to better sleep or at least a meditative calm alternative.

I have come to rely on the Complex Tasks isochronic tones sets, wait for it……...to cope with doing the dishes & making lunch 🤣……yes……tasks that many take for granted have always brought anxiety creating disorganisation & stress for me…… it’s so embarrassing but once I begin something like this my brain shoots off in 10 other directions & it takes a massive amount of patience & self forgiveness to complete this basic task without starting to glue up my wellies or organise the recycling after I’ve put the eggs on….. 

Finally, an honourable mention to the ADD/ADHD Intense Relief tones where he essentially de-emotionsalises the brain by speeding up the rational left brain higher than the creative/emotional right side - I think it’s like brain gym, like practicing rationality from a purely mechanical, anatomical, functional direction. I think it’s wonderful & these ones can bring me out of a funk sometimes. Usually being in nature with Schumann Resonance is the way to go for low mood though.

I achieved some, for me extremely complex tasks to do with music technology reasonably sensibly with the help of one of the Peak Focus tone sets. Jason has even inspired me to go electric as a previously confirmed acoustic musician….. I now have a Synth, prepped an Isochronic tone backing track of my own & opened GarageBand for the first time in 15 yrs…. 😄 - wires, leads, I dealt with those at length without a panic attack. I call that a real win. 😅

Red Light Therapy plus Therapy

The current trend in Anti-Aging Red Light & Near Infared Therapy devices got me curious about its cell metabolism increasing capacity in the brain & sure enough the research throws up that trials for PTSD & TBI have shows some benefits. Also for Fibromyalgia for my daughter, which slows metabolism prematurely, a bit like aging too soon….. Anyhow, I’ve been working with a red light nir box for a few weeks now & I love it & I think combined with the insight building of psychotherapy/talk therapy of your choice, I feel the combination would be a real winner in natural treatment of severe mental illnesses.

The query I get is, in what way is this not just a remedy for not enough sunlight…… I’ve loved my light box during grey rainy UK May & it cheers me up & gets me going when it’s chilly but I fail to see how in a warmer climate this would be needed unless the person refuses or is otherwise unable to leave the house, then this could help mimic the sun on your head, stimulating increased cellular atp activity & increasing cell metabolism etc.

I get it for anti aging, in a way, as full spectrum sun is perceived as very aging but surely with sunblock & covering up etc you would still absorb lots of NIR as well as FIR light through your clothes producing the same healthy cellular stimulation. That’s my only query.

So anyway, I love my box & all the benefits I’ve felt from using it so far & yes my skin on my face looks fab imho, definitely enough change there to keep me interested but it’s the affect on my body that’s so fantastic- I feel more energetic, more toned, more enlivened & more positive since using the light box.

My one is not a huge box, it’s a 300w tilting unit by a company called Helios that I rotate body parts towards in the bathroom in the morning, especially sore muscles - I totally recommend this therapy device or a bigger one for people stuck in the house with mental illness or in the more light deprived countries. It’s extremely bright, brighter than the face mask types which cost twice the price for a third of the power per cm2 at a foot away. I wear eye protection or exercise great caution with it as it can cause a painful glare sensation.

A word of warning, I have to say this, just like sunshine, it significantly increases hormonal activity throughout your endocrine system indeed some users use it for this Testosterone boosting, sexual dysfunction restorative capacity - it also increases Melatonin too which is your sleep hormone & a master antioxidant & anti inflammatory agent. I love it but having struggled with Hypersexuality as many BPD & Bipolar people do as part of their illness I am enormously careful with it…… but it’s marvellous 😄🤭😉

Loss of faith in my thoughts (plus)

It’s understandable that after a period of time being wonky/ BPD episode is a good descriptor, that I have this reluctance to share anything. That last piece was going to be a sentence & some photos but I went stream of consciousness about beauty & then kept remembering fragments I had wanted to say. I’ve been watching TEDTalks about ADHD which has been really nice, it’s the most socially acceptable bit of my diagnoses I think, yet it is definitely really difficult to live with. I can forget what I’m thinking before I’ve even finished cognitising the thought, it feels like thoughts disappear into the ether, tracelessly, just leaving the frustrating sensation that I’ve just forgotten something important. 

I saw Dylan Moran on his recent ‘We Got This’ tour & he talked about losing memory & forgetting more as he’s got older, he’s talked of it before I think, he described it beautifully of course, “ don’t worry if you forget things your thinking about, there will always be more” he said dryly. Dylan strikes me as a potential ADHDer - he’s definitely got something wide of the norm going on there - he was drinking again on stage which I was surprised at, & he spoke of how he’d mastered sobriety, so he could drink again …..but then if you can handle it, & most with mental illness must have to say that they cannot, alcohol is a deliverer of the important relaxant neurotransmitter GABA to the blood stream…… I have other less addictive, less inflammatory ways of doing that myself.

So, organising my thoughts, creative ideas, to do list is/has always been a real struggle for me. I’ve actually done some major, long overdue house organising since I’ve been using Isochronic Tones…. Some areas of the house had been moved around whilst I was very brain damaged post high & things like my passport recently surfaced, outside in the porch in an amusing bag of mixed historical items….. that’s typical of the confused brain state of post high. 

How can I know that my disorganisation is ADHD not just brain damage from Bipolar episodes? 

Well, that’s why it’s taken so very long to get here. It’s the internal sense that I’ve reached ‘my normal’, my best functioning state, again, after a very long time being much less functional than that & then discovering anew that that ‘best’ state, as I perceive it, is indeed really bloody difficult in itself & has all the hallmarks of inattentive ADHD all over it. To be honest, it was remembering starting secondary school & how being baffled became my main mental, emotional state & what I now know are ADHD traits from then, from a time clearly pre Bipolar.

I just didn’t know why I was so frustrated & scatterbrained before….. and I was dealing with ridiculously long deep depressions & then hyposmanias that both scrambled my brain further….. never mind the BPD traits, how the fuck can you describe that, it’s like layers of dysfunction on dysfunction that somehow nobody else around me was taking seriously.

Maybe I had quite quiet BPD, certainly, in relationship, the main battleground of BPD, I’d be likely to just go into a deep depression at the depth of my difficulty, reactivity & defeatedness once the ever loving, intense, I guess love bombing? hypersexual bonding early stages faded & hot & cold, yes I did that definitely, “ you are perfect/ I hate you” that’s very BPD & I hated it, I commonly felt entirely defeated by relationships, my total instability & thus reliance of this person who I equally experienced as an enemy or as a friend. And yet the loss of, perceived loss of or abandonment by this person was like being killed, every time, slain, hopelessly destroyed & hating them all the more for having that monumental power over me. Excruciating yet unable to sensibly get away until they forced it. Quite rightly. “But you are not getting better” he said. I wasn’t, I was getting worse, the stress of hateful dependency on someone with no intention or interest in meeting any of my needs as a single mum with kids, on benefits, so at sea, so directionless, yet so loving, so kind, so accepting but so confused, endlessly confused, endlessly sorry for having a reaction, so jealous, so possessive, so lonely, so scared of a big bipolar episode then oblivious when one started.

It’s so hard not to attribute blame to people around me but I can see clearly now that about half of those around me, those who continually normalised my suicidal ideation, my hypersexuality, my binge drinking where also undiagnosed severe mentally ill & the other half were, due to their own energetic deficits were taking advantage of my intense vulnerability to feel better about themselves. Of course I attracted Narcissists, all vulnerable people attract NPD types who coldly take what they want & damn the cost to anyone else.

I’ve ranted, I’ll stop 🤔🤗🙂☺️ (if I repeat myself, I guess I do, then forgive me, I guess I’m using my blog as therapy…. So wtv)

PS

Ah, I just want to add a note about Narcissists & NPD here. Similarly to BPD, the popular preconception of these is really so bad & probably justifiably to a point but not all of us with these conditions are wilfully aiming to harm, in fact I’d say most are not aiming to harm. There is a big overlap between NPD & BPD, as much as 40% BPD have narcissistic traits I believe. Am I in that? You tell me, you are as likely to know from perceiving me from outside as I am from in here with all these perceptual aberrations. I think not, personally, I’m too much of a martyr I think….. but contrary to the popular position I think hating on us with these misunderstood conditions is vile. It is thought to be even more painful to be Narcissistic than it is to have BPD, so that’s saying something. Have compassion….remove yourself to safety but have compassion. Anyone that seeks help should be encouraged & supported, these illnesses are entirely life-destroying if allowed to be. Have hope if you have such yourself, you have my deepest sympathy, stay vigilant but have hope. 💗

The Not Evidence Basedness of soooo much Mainstream Science

 

This is so superb in so many ways - it sums up the conflicts of interest & general untrustworthiness of Big Pharma that’s had me avoid pharmaceuticals myself for 4 decades. I absolutely do not think I would be here today had I dabbled with the mainstream suggestions for all my extensive 3 syndrome deep mental health problems.

The contraindications for Bipolar & ADHD & the medications recommended for each would have been a disaster. I was regularly offered SSRI’s which i refused as I was instinctively terrified of them for good reason as they would have triggered a Bipolar High with likely hospitalisation *at best*. 

I was so suicidally depressed that the risk of worsening, or the risk of worse rage would have been fatal, that’s how perilous my position felt. I’d read about suicides who had recently started or stopped SSRI’s & it was not worth the risk. As I say, for a person with Bipolar SSRI’s usually means psychosis & hospitalisation so….no. The fact that this stoic refusal is essentially why I went undiagnosed & unsupported for so long is absolutely criminal imho.

Love Russell - it’s so deeply heartening to see this level of exposure of corruption reach such a big audience - awesomeness 🤓😎

Binaural Beats Cooler Cousin - Isochronic Tones- Binaural Beats Geek Article

https://www.binauralbeatsgeek.com/isochronic-tones/

Another Excellent Article 

Here’s the introduction- EXTRACT 

“”

Isochronic Tones: The Beginner's Guide

Isochronic Tones are the newest kids on the block in the world of brain wave entrainment. They can help you to deeply meditate, relax, feel awesome and expand your consciousness - quickly

.

Binaural beats have been around for decades. Single toned isochronics are fresh off the street! I've been using them intensely for 4 months and the results are *very* promising. I'm experiencing stronger, faster and more enjoyable effects than with binaurals.

A year ago no one had heard of isochronic tones, and now everyone and their grandmother are calling them everything from the "strongest BWE technology ever" to (my favourite) "binaural beats on steroids".

This article will:

-introduce you to binaural beats' cooler cousin
-explain the differences between the two
-detail the benefits you will get from using isochronics
-help you make your mind up whether to try them out
-and point you in the right direction.

A Quick Recap

In case you're new here (welcome!), I'll do a 10 second roundup:

Isochronic tones are a form of brain wave entrainment. This means that you use isochronic tones as a way to entrain your brain waves (which means to have them all working in the same way, for example slowed down to the slow, low levels of alpha brain waves).

The benefits of this are varied – you can expect anything from a sense of deep relaxation and peace; to increased happiness and creativity; to vivid visualizations and *big* ideas. 

They are lots of fun, totally rejuvenating and don't require much skill to use (i.e. lay down and put headphones in. If you can manage that, you're on your way.

Oh, if you're lucky (or practice) you'll also soon be reaching a state of hemispheric or brainwave synchronization. This is what Zen meditators struggle to achieve for years, and perhaps is best described as a sense of 'total connectedness with the universe'. It's pretty hard to describe, but it feels pretty awesome and kind of awe-inspiring at times. 

(Read this article for *all* the juicy details on this "peak performance" state)

There has been lots of research and studies done which show that binaural beats and other forms of brain wave entrainment (BWE) increase the production of 'good' chemicals in the body, reduce the output of 'bad' chemicals, decrease anxiety, increase well-being and lots more. If you haven't had a look at this binaural beats research I'd highly recommend you check it out.

These are some of the main reasons that people like to use binaural beats and other forms of BWE. Now we'll look at what makes isochronics unique.

Menieres Disease & Acupuncture

One of my big mental health & musical inspirations, Ryan Adams suffers from the debilitating condition Menieres Disease & I just wanted to send this out to him via the reliable information conveying vehicle that is the hashtag……(?!)

Anyway, it really seems that the way ahead for most Menieres sufferers is regular Acupuncture, I will link to a few studies confirming this statement below. I mean, I should have weekly acupuncture for all my stuff but it never gets to the top of the list……I’d certainly do it if I started to get a big high or big low & could not reign it in by myself…. It would gravitate to the top of my list in that circumstance, which I don’t anticipate happening tbh (ie I believe I can offset these myself now due to experience/knowledge/greater insight) 

I know some people find the idea of acupuncture weird or unpleasant or have fear of the pins etc but it’s such a wonderful brilliant whole body experience in the hands of a quality practitioner that to not give it a decent shot (2/3 sessions minimum to feel some benefits) I really think, that with something as patently disruptive & distressing as Menieres Disease that not giving Acupuncture a really fair go is at least self defeating at worse self neglect….. not to put too finer acupuncture needle point on it. 🤓

Here’s some stuff including peer review research articles to assuage your doubts. Maybe you’ve tried this but I suspect you are a bit needle resistant, just trust, it’s so great, really amazing, spiritual deep, you’ll love it once over any block you may have. (if it’s truly insurmountable go shiatsu/pressure point therapy instead)

I love acupuncture, I would have acupuncture weekly just for the tension release & you can barely feel the pins most of the time, just start with less pins, admit any fears to the practitioner & get a practitioner on their good reputation.

One last comment though…. I’ve been a very long time looking at health issues through the Natural Health & Wholeness lens & I believe you will never, your bodymind will never put down a thing that it’s made use of to get its needs met unless you are ready to listen to your body asking for, well it’s rest & down time isn’t it, that workaholic/ADHD types override their body for the neurotransmitter prize as well as worldly success obviously too….. not to diminish the desirability or necessity of these things one iota but the point remains the same, to bastardise a Led Zeppelin song title.

Anyway here you go Ryan & I’m so very proud of your sobriety, your continued self healing in therapy & all your self publishing & your pirate record company achievements. (I will get Chris when it streams…… I can tell it’s great, that I’ll love it from the feedback & reviews your getting) (oh & I love you always ever whatever etc but you know that 💜)

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6660197/

Quote 

“The classic symptoms of Meniere's disease are vertigo, tinnitus and deafness, but for all the treated patients vertigo was the most uncomfortable and distressing symptom. In all our cases vertigo stopped after a few acupuncture courses; but in our opinion it is more important to follow and control hearing threshold, since if it remains stable the other symptoms of Meniere's disease also do not persist.”

https://www.healthcmi.com/Acupuncture-Continuing-Education-News/1864-acupuncture-and-herbs-eliminate-meniere-s-disease

“Acupuncture has been proven clinically effective for the treatment of Meniere’s disease, a disorder characterized by vertigo, hearing loss, and tinnitus. Researchers determined that acupuncture produces a 100% total effective rate. The results indicate that acupuncture is safe and effective for the treatment of Meniere’s disease. [1]”

https://asu.pure.elsevier.com/en/publications/the-treatment-of-menieres-disease-with-acupuncture-and-chinese-me

“The patient had been treated with conventional medication, which did not resolve their symptoms. Over a period of ten weeks involving 14 acupuncture treatments and Chinese herbal medication, the patient's vertigo completely resolved and concomitant symptoms such as tinnitus and sensorineural hearing loss also improved.”

Co-Occurance Bipolar & ADHD

 A screen grab looking at the co-morbidity & genetic overlaps

SUD is substance use disorder - while I’m loooong time clean of alcohol & even longer of anything else.…. I had a month off nicotine at the end of last year which felt so brilliant & amazing but I buckled at a major trigger….. so I’m back on the weakest nicotine, 1% in pure VG vape that I make up myself……. I’d say it’s definitely 95% better than smoking for someone like me with long long term addictive tendencies 

It’s what it is.

(I will re-do this post properly in a bit with some links to research articles etc)

DEEP Theta Binaural Beats ➤ LET GO of Fear, Overthinking & Worries ➤ 432Hz Deep Relaxation

 

Ive been using this for a few days now & I think its like taking Valium without any side effects or come down, although i've never taken one so how would I know......... First time I used it I basically passed out on the floor & it was the first time in I can't remember how long that the felt sense of anxiety sensation I have constantly down my spine in my upper back & shoulders, vagus nerve pain/contraction/constriction/agitation - completely disappeared - so thats pretty wow!

I mean it comes back terrifically easily when something triggers me, like the dogs go off or wtv - I think i've got Trauma bonding with the dogs..... seriously its been a nightmare. Maybe not trauma bonding, maybe just a vicious circle of us all having easily aroused nervous systems & not being able to break it. Wtv. So painful.

Bizarrely I do see getting the dogs when I did as a monumental act of self sabotage that saved my life..... the story of my life...... a contradiction in terms........nothing is clear........its all obscured by confusion or it has been very much so until maybe now, maybe getting less so now, I hope so.

Also this is one now a favourite too :)

Along with the Sukie Baxter's PolyVagal material, these are all having profound effects on me atm......it just makes me think about cultures that prioritise massage or other touch in an easy to access community sense or wtv & that if everyone was able to afford therapy as well (eg free co-counselling swap) the wellness ratio of the general population would absolutely skyrocket........instead in the West we've got Dopamine Nation: TV, prickly social media, porn, gambling, gaming & alcohol/drugs instead to distract us from the entirely constructed slope of a financial playing field that the GlobalElite have created for us to live our lives out on where 'everything' ends up in the ownership of the very very few...... nobody can win at that...... nobody, well maybe just psychopaths & sociopaths, but only because the world has been created in their own images.........Hmmm.

(I just spotted a quasi autistic word jumble I did there but I like it so much im gonna keep it :)

Late Diagnosis Anger/Trauma/Grief

I was talking with my wonderful, awesome daughter in law who has late diagnosed ADHD very recently at 33, about how angry I’ve been feeling & she told me that late diagnosis trauma is an actual recognised thing in mental health….. it’s ‘what could have been pain’….. yep that’s part of what’s been going on definitely, I keep getting really angry that I can’t have things happen that a more well person, someone who’s been okish, ok enough could have had like a career, relationships, friendships, achievements, I dunno, travel, err there’s lots of things isn’t there. I’ve literally lived in survival mode my entire adult life not knowing what the fuck was hitting me all the time, I didn’t know what was happening or why. 

So why am I getting angry now? Well, I thing my brain reconstruction process is in pretty good shape right now, best it’s been in a very long time, possibly ever which is great & a cause for great joy & for feeling very very proud & pleased that I’ve achieved that against such greats odds…… & I do think that feeling is there, it’s just partially obscured by this anger & trauma & loss about how much I missed out. Just bare with me, I’ve got to process it my way, I know people want to just say focus on the positive, the present, the future, don’t look back in anger or whatever but I’m raking it over to try to make sense & release some of it, Its just my process I guess. Certainly just a year ago I didn’t have the brain capacity to process anything other than am I having a good day & how to try to stay ok or a bad day & how best to triage that. 

I’ve been locked in my room on my own feeling crazy for all these different parts of my life, so many, long bipolar lows mainly but also for the 8 years after the Psychiatrist misdiagnosed/failed to diagnose me in 2008 I now know I was massively brain damaged at that time & at that actual appointment, which is why I couldn’t explain what I was experiencing to him. His misdiagnosis essentially put me & kept me in the house not knowing why my brain was broken or even that it was for nearly another decade of confusion. I had already given up alcohol, as i realised I couldn’t be trusted with it but that was my social anxiety buffer removed with nothing to replace it. 

It was just so baffling, probably since that first brain damage of the first Bipolar high & crash at 18. No, damn it……I felt brain damaged much earlier, I had over the top rage attacks as a child I don’t know when that started but it was still happening at 13/14 when I quit eating for 6 months. And as I went amongst it all as a teen & got into alcohol these merged into dangerous rage triggered by jealousy over boys, even physically attacking other girls - impulse control had left the building already…. this is how I left school at 17 with next to no qualifications. I hadn’t been able to concentrate on schoolwork for years, since about 12 is how I remember it. (there’s a real ADHD vibe about this period)

Bipolar highs definitely cause brain damage in & of themselves & the crash to low is completely surreal & feels like my nervous system completely disintegrating. Short term memory is decimated, as well as decision making & impulse control etc. I’ve heard PTSD be describe like Alzheimer’s & both my kids will verify how badly like Alzheimer’s I was post crash 2016 & now looking back I can start to see & appreciate the other times that I was left with this Alzheimer’s brain & the slow crawl back or else the resorting to extreme behaviour to get some respite & relief from the feeling of being disarranged cognitively as well as emotionally dysregulated by minutiae. 

Currently listing to Binaural Beats Deep Theta & it’s simply the most healing thing I’ve done in a long time for my nervous system 💜💜💜 Someone reminded me about them recently🙏 I used Binaural Beats for years between 2006-2015 but I invariably had no working headphones so I just had it on in the room which I think is not so good - that’s how poor I was financially before the disability benefits i got 2017 post diagnosis, I could not afford headphones. I was 50 & I couldn’t afford headphones, what can I say. 

Chronic Stress Weakens Connectivity in the Prefrontal Cortex: Architectural and Molecular Changes

Found this article rummaging around on Twitter in reference really to the PTSD that is now currently being wrought rapaciously across Europe & further afield with the new War.

Peer review research article from last year describing exactly what i'm always going on about. Its physical brain changes/damage caused by an unrelenting stress response that may be the result of difficult external circumstances but, more importantly in my mind, may have been merely modelled from a care giver in childhood or from psychological stress that wasn't attended to. Even lack of psychological support & sense of belonging cause brain damage. This is were i've been, on my own for the longest time. 

It makes me so angry. I'm feeling really angry. I've smiled my way so as not to bother anyone, through years & years of feeling brain damaged like big chunks of myself were missing & that not being able to cognitise information was fine, that not being able to remember words or what I was saying just now was fine & that living with a permanent felt sense of intense anxiety was fine just keep smiling..... im feeling so angry that mental health is seen as not physical that its all mental emotional 'stuff' that can be sorted out with the conscious mind...... The VagalTheory info (see last post) is clear that in a major way, it is dysfunction in the nervous system that is creating the difficult stuck, broken or unhelpful mental states that we all battle with, far more than the thoughts we think being the genesis & creator of our mental ill health.

All the mental stuff is just an interpretation, a guess, maybe, if we're lucky, a really good intuitive guess at what the body is trying to say.

Anyway. Im just feeling anger at the moment & im not smiling anymore. It wasn't fair. I was taken advantage of by so many people who should have known better. If I'd been physically ill in my twenties, thirties etc i'd have had support & sympathy from so many quarters. Because I had mental illness, depression, anxiety, ADHD-like high speed mind, physical, physical, physical - difficulty concentrating, difficulty explaining, difficulty feeling safe, difficulty controlling impulses, difficulty making decisions, brain damage, brain damage, brain damage.......im going to be angry about this on my blog until im not...... it may be some time...... im trying to accept that I can't afford therapy & im angry about that.....I can do self EMDR, I can learn bodywork to heal my nervous system, I can do these for free. I just feel ive been through so much.....im just so angry about it. I guess it will blow over. 

I just realised i'm proving this working hypothesis wrong in a way by being angry but, no, that's emotions, healthy emotions informing you when you've been violated or that something is wrong, that's different, emotions move, flow, shift, the nervous system states do not easily do that, they are stuck gears in the nervous system or synaptic blockages, its different albeit somewhat overlapping.

 Quote - Abstract

Chronic exposure to uncontrollable stress causes loss of spines and dendrites in the prefrontal cortex (PFC), a recently evolved brain region that provides top-down regulation of thought, action, and emotion. PFC neurons generate top-down goals through recurrent excitatory connections on spines. This persistent firing is the foundation for higher cognition, including working memory, and abstract thought. However, exposure to acute uncontrollable stress drives high levels of catecholamine release in the PFC, which activates feedforward calcium-cAMP signaling pathways to open nearby potassium channels, rapidly weakening synaptic connectivity to reduce persistent firing. Chronic stress exposures can further exacerbate these signaling events leading to loss of spines and resulting in marked cognitive impairment. In this review, we discuss how stress signaling mechanisms can lead to spine loss, including changes to BDNF-mTORC1 signaling, calcium homeostasis, actin dynamics, and mitochondrial actions that engage glial removal of spines through inflammatory signaling. Stress signaling events may be amplified in PFC spines due to cAMP magnification of internal calcium release. As PFC dendritic spine loss is a feature of many cognitive disorders, understanding how stress affects the structure and function of the PFC will help to inform strategies for treatment and prevention.

Heres the Link to the Article.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/24705470211029254

Sukie Baxter - Tips to Start a Trauma Healing Movement Practice

I just want to push this channel again. Subscribe subscribe!  This is such awesome material dealing with PTSD, cPTSD, GAD, anxiety, nervous breakdown & bipolar muscular tension issues - releasing body held trauma with movements based on PolyVagal Theory. 

“Going slow is going fast” once you get that it falls into place really nicely - wonderful stuff , so helpful, so calming, so relaxing 💜💜💜

Highs & Crashes

Just coming up to my 55 birthday in a couple of days & still inventorying the past a bit I think…. no stress…… keeping the peace…..💜

I’m kind of accounting for why my Bipolar diagnosis took so long here in a way. I’m piecing together some of the highs and the crashes I had in my twenties and thirties whilst ‘not knowing’ what they were. (I first said out loud that I had Bipolar in my teens…..you forget…….I forgot, brain damage makes you forget a lot of things, Drs were endlessly disinterested in me because I did not take the meds they offered) I knew what the low was, of course, when I had depression that was really self explanatory & required huge huge effort to dig myself out of the psychological, as well as the physical & brain chemistry aspects of that.

But often the highs just felt like really flying on all levels & being super well & super sexual, taking on more & more things with a weird peripheral awareness that it was unsustainable in some way that I could not see, that was out of my view. 

For example when I was with my boyfriend who was 17 yrs older than me, 1994 through 1999, I had at least one serious high that resulted in a crash that laid me down with, what seemed to be chronic exhaustion for 18 months solid. My brain didn’t work properly for the first year of that as I remember. But describing cognitive changes from the inside to others is really terribly hard. That low was particularly interesting because it was not just depression primarily, although that was there intermittently, it had this complete physical exhaustion element that was most prominent.

A lot of my crashes throughout this time were kind of engineered by binge drinking. I could drink 8 pints of dry blackthorn cider on a bad day on an empty stomach…… if anyone gave me spirits I’d try & kill myself with it, or so it seemed. I basically had no self control once I’d had one drink.

I think my drinking was the natural impulse to blow up the intrinsically painful over blown nervous system circuitry & physical strain of the high. Also, now I know I was struggling with BPD as well. So the weird paranoid stuff, losing time (disassociation), confusion, emotional dysregulation on a daily basis really. So fucking stressful. Relentless, like being on a sandy beach with the sea pulling the floor away all the time as you try and stand there, only you don’t know why it’s happening or why other people (unbeknownst to you standing on much better ground) are able to stand perfectly well all around you. In fact those others would sometime point & mock that I wasn’t able to stand steadily, that my floor kept going away. That I wasn’t doing something right somehow, so it always my own fault. Ho, ho, ho.

(The general statistics on alcohol, the damage alcohol does, the only reason it’s legal is because it causes brain damage & that helps the powers that be keep us compliant which they need) 

TBC

Dopamine Highs & Lows...... Vs Oxytocin

In this fascinating video Russell Brand & the author of "Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, psychiatrist Dr. Anna Lembke" discuss how even relatively low Dopamine surges demand brain chemistry to self correct pretty swiftly causing a slight low. This is a general human response, as in everyone will experience this although i'm aware that as a Bipolar 1 sufferer i'm probably more experientially knowledgeable re: high & low dopamine at very extreme levels than a lot of people.

I had various degrees of Anorexia throughout roughly 2002-2008, some poverty related but much related to my Emotional Dysregulation that I now know to have been undiagnosed BPD plus BP1 - I was very very conscious at that time that i desperately needed Oxytocin, I was in the aftermath of a bad relationship break up but also a very disorientating Bipolar high (I was undiagnosed ) - I remember I used to fantasise about having my hair brushed by kind women friends which is terrifically emblematic of Oxytocin production to my mind, but I was suffering such a serious Bipolar depression by that point that I was not able to muster the strength to get any help.

I was always researching natural health & I found that Oxytocin was in development as a pain relieving, mood improving, anti anxiety medicine at that time, 2004 ish - I did not have a pet yet, a really top valuable Oxytocin provider. Singing in a group & along with music is also another well known way to get 'free' Oxytocin. But I was single & having drunken one night stands in a desperate bid for Oxytocin but to no avail. You get masses of exciting Dopamine but without that lovely cuddle hormone to soften the drop.

In fact i'd go so far as to say I don't think you can make Oxytocin from casual sex when you are drunk, which is why you might feel uncomfortable when you next see the person rather then warmly fond..... that's just my personal observation. If i'm correct, that makes that kind of sex much more expensive in terms of problematic brain chemistry (see video above) than sex in a trusted pair bond scenario. (i'm open to this maybe being a bit different for some intrinsically polyamorous types; assume naturally high Oxytocin status?) 

Just to clarify, the following is not about people who have an innately strong Oxytocin supply naturally. That is they do not suffer from any of the mental health issues mentioned, get over break ups with relative ease, feel naturally welcome in life generally, for want of a better description. I know because I don't so easily get these things up & running..... its a huge conscious effort for me.

One further point I want to insert here is that naturally occurring post-birth Oxytocin & indeed any pair bond Oxytocin famously can bring with it an increased sense of a spiritual dimension to life, I guess coming in via the feelings of safety, connectedness, oneness pointing the self towards an increased sense of an overarching cosmic consciousness. Which is lovely & a bit magical.

I tried to find research on the down side of supplemental Oxytocin & whilst there seemed to be only a positive response in sufferers of serious nervous system dysfunction;  PTSD, Anxiety, ASD, ADHD, eating disorders etc, 'well' people in the research could suffer the unwanted side affect of increased empathy to the subtle emotional signalling of strangers/acquaintances, potentially resulting in unnecessary intense emotional reactions. (This last bit makes me think that BPD might included a particular hyper sensitivity to Oxytocin or the absence of or problems with creating it in some way)

It seems to me to be beyond obvious that we should trial supplemental nasal spray Oxytocin in the deemed largely 'untreatable' Anti-Social Personality Disorder/Sociopathy/Psychopathy & Narcissistic Personality Disorder cohort. These disorders all suffer from a basic, deep seated lack of empathy, resulting in huge problems in life & relationships. Maybe its been done. I hope so.

It seems pretty obvious that unimpeded Oxytocin production during childhood, the steady feeling of belonging in a family, in a community, being physically comforted when you need to etc etc powerfully lays a framework for nervous system wellness in later life & that Physical & Psychological trauma interferes with Oxytocin production among other things, of that there is no doubt.

https://www.verywellmind.com/does-oxytocin-affect-your-mental-health-5114940

I find this subject absolutely fascinating. It accounts for why, for myself, casual relationships, one night stands are innately painful in a way that's really hard to describe. I think that making love without making Oxytocin requires the participants to be 'out of it' in some way, so with a blunted awareness of the lowering of boundaries & self consciousness, vulnerability etc hence why inhibition removing alcohol is a drug of choice wherever very casual sex is lauded as a very casual pastime.

I haven't so much as had my hand held romantically for over a decade..... that's quite extreme isn't it. I've had one serious 2 year relationship since I gave up alcohol in 2007 & zero casual hook ups...... the reason is within the statement I think.

In my defence I was undiagnosed, actively misdiagnosed as not having Bipolar in fact & yet knew absolutely there was something seriously wrong with me for the longest time. My dating aversion has been as much to protect others from my emotional dysregulation as it has been to protect myself from triggers. Unfortunately, my best efforts at close friends were also smited by undiagnosed BPD elements that I did not understand at all & was immensely frustrated by too.

So happy to now know what's wrong with me, so happy to be working on myself & being my own wellness project - Happy Valentines Day 💜  (for tomorrow)

Fab Article re: my absolute favourite supplement: DLPA

 https://holisticnootropics.com/dlpa/

I could not be without this supplement- read this article if you suffer from any chronic mental illness also any chronic pain condition too. Of course there are limited studies, big pharma cannot patent it or profit from it & it would safely replace many of their highly lucrative more dangerous alternatives.

DLPA- Everything You Need To Know

Written by Erik Levi, FNTP 

Extract 

DLPA – An Overview

DLPA (DL-phenylalinine) is a more bioavailable form of the essential amino acid phenylalanine. Phenylalanine is one of the 9 essential amino acids, meaning it is not made in the body and must be obtained from outside sources.

Many people take DLPA as a nootropic supplement for:

Mood
Mental Sharpness

Pain Relief

There are plenty of reports that DLPA can improve cognition and general feelings of wellbeing, and there is some clinical evidence that backs up these claims.

DLPA is made from combining D-phenylalanine and L-phenylalanine. D- and L-phenylalanine are isomers, meaning they are mirror images of one another. L-phenylalanine is found naturally, while D-phenylalanine must be synthesized in a laboratory.

DLPA, then, is both of these isomers combined into one substance. It provides the best of both worlds.
Phenylalanine is a precursor for tyrosine, dopamine, norepinephrine, and epinephrine, and the skin pigment melanin. By affecting these systems, DLPA can have various nootropic and health effects.

End of Extract 

Dr Fox - How Depression in BPD is Different

 

these are both excellent videos

im really looking forwards to the Complex Borderline Personality Disorder book coming early next year

So, Agitated Depression

I just want to share this book & a video that have helped me - the video just in the last few days & the book way, way back in 2005 when I got very poorly with anorexia, which was due to undiagnosed Bipolar plus BPD essentially.

I had long loooong depressions at that time, 9 months of the year, on my own, endlessly on my own with that & anyway, the book author was with me, it felt, she did good with me. I had that book for consolation in very extreme physical/emotional pain - I really thought I was going to die, I could not eat at all for quite some time. Somehow it turned around & this book was part of that.

The bloody heart pain. That is one of my bad symptoms, one of my really bad pains - that’s why the book title reached out to me - it feels like im physically stabbed through the heart. This video by Dr Fox explains somewhat what’s going on, it is physical, it is constricted heart arteries & BPD people are highly susceptible to it - which is very good to know - it makes it ever so slightly less shit to know BPD folk get this one a lot.

Something has been building for quite some while, all summer i've been actively mitigating hypomania & anxiety whist simultaneously trying to bust through the really stubborn blocks of my agoraphobia & social phobia, with relative success I think.

But it culminated this last week with a kind of confusion explosion. I’d successfully made it to 2 gigs at Plymouth on my own in the last few weeks but I was getting more & more scared of driving to London on my own, with just my dog Connor for support. Yet meeting my oldest friend Annebella at the venue & then to go back to Worthing with her was so very very tantalising. 

I wanted to reconnect with her so much. Last time I saw her I’d not long been given my BPD diagnosis, her daughter also has a BPD diagnosis so AB was really brilliant to talk to. I was still very confused & she was great at letting me ramble, I know I was a bit incoherant. She’s a great listener, a precious beautiful lady, a PHd of Art History, a published author, I feel honoured to still have her as a friend, to have managed to not piss her off too badly. She knew me in my early 20’s when I had shorter depressions but was way wild with Hypomania much of the rest of the time. 

I’ve been so lonely, for so long, for a best friend, I feel like im dying from not having anyone to play with. We just buried my friend Mary which I got through by the grace of something I don’t really know but thank you! Another old friend stayed here for a few days over the funeral but he didn’t hang out with me very much, obviously he was grieving himself.

So this looming London gig got more & more threatening. I was worried about the cost & the Omicron thing. I emailed the venue on Tuesday & they sent a refund straight away & then I just crashed. I immediately regretted cancelling mostly for not seeing Annebella but also Eddie who I really love & I kept missing all his gigs throughout 2020/21 doing his Charles Dickens thing & every time I missed it I got more frustrated that I must manage to make it despite my agoraphobia & social anxiety.

Its really silly I know but Eddie was in my mind my ‘friend’ during my early mid twenties depressions  - his audio tapes & videos where literally one of the only things that made me feel hope or connected or like anyone on earth might understand my strange wonky brain, with his full on, unlimited imagination, I always felt like he would ‘get me’, mentally, I guess thats because I really 'got him' mentally & that was so rare for me when I generally felt I was too hard to understand & too much for most people most of the time.

Even at Marys wake I kept saying things that people didn’t get - I could tell I made people uncomfortable so that made me uncomfortable - I think ive just gone a bit feral from lack of human companionship - a bit more interpersonally/socially weird. Although, Lily's told me to tell people that I have Autism to explain myself a bit/get some leeway & she’s worked with Autistic teens so…….. yes maybe, hmmm?

So I got badly triggered whilst in the height of my confusion about the gig & it went straight to my heart pain with all the inconsolable crying - I had it for many months after my last relationship ended a decade ago - I was waitressing - I used to ask other people if they had ever had this excruciating heart pain that didn't go away for months & months but nobody really related very much as it was so physical.

As ever, I just shut up & put up with it. It went on so long, you just learn to live with stuff but I shouldn’t have really I should have got help. I’m a bugger for not getting help, I mainly don’t think I can afford help, maybe I also think I don’t deserve help, i don’t want to trouble anyone because there will be someone worse off that needs that help, I don’t really know why. Old habits of serious neglect die hard I guess.

I have just had a very tough few days. I disassociate easily I think, which is & mainly isn’t helpful, but is obviously something ive learned to do to cope. The immense fear of staying down & going into a long depression is absolutely terrifying. The dogs proceed to drag me from the house twice a day like the furry determined anti-depressants they are, so thats good, that’s in place, that works.

Ive been being terrible with money all year, in fact my son has now taken my bank cards for safe keeping. Overspending, comfort spending mainly on the way I look which feels so so ridiculous at my age when I don’t go out anywhere there are other people anyway. I see my daughter & granddaughter 2/3 times a week but Lily says my need to talk is too much for her supertired, supersore fibromyalgia plus ptsd/anxiety state she has going on. I see my son & his family maybe once a week but they are flat out in one way or another. I don’t get to talk, I don’t get to explore what’s so stuck with anyone, I have no other close friends or friends who I think would want me. 

Im quite a bit better today - a very long FaceTime with Lily yesterday whilst Pan was out & we managed to home in on what my immediate goals actually are….. not easy for either of us as we are very similar in impractical right brain nature, with anxiety & a strong sense of brain damage to our ‘sorting stuff out’ brains. My goals are organising more tangible support & therapies that might help decommission my big trigger stuff (EMDR on NHS for start) - there’s more obv but essentially I do have goals they are just a lot more limited & health based than what most people might think of as goals……. But wtv

Vienna as Psyche Repair

I’ve already talked a bit about my Vienna trip in 2016 but there’s so much more I’d like to say about it. I’ve not travelled hardly anywhere in my adult life due to mental ill health & mental ill health related poverty to put it bluntly.

I’d had a absolutely classic untreated Bipolar 1 ‘high’ lasting 8/9 months through 2015 (I was undiagnosed)& the dawning awareness of the severity of what was happening & that I was dealing with Bipolar 1 really hit me nearly at the end of that in December 2015 with the horrifying realisation that, if this was the high, excruciating & disorientating that it was….then there inevitably had to be a crash to a low coming at some point.

I was terrified that I’d need hospitalisation to manage the physical pain from the chaotic high speed that my nervous system & brain had achieved & I did not know what to expect as I had never sustained such a long, dramatic high, there had been mostly hypomania in the past to the best of my knowledge, so I’d been more a Bipolar 2 throughout my 20’s & 30’s with excessively long deep depressions. It is known that left untreated it can progress types like that.

I’ve long been mainstream medicine sceptical & them fucking me up badly at this totally vulnerable moment seemed a real possibility. I knew without a shadow of a doubt what I was dealing with now & in my mental mayhem I struggled to concentrate & research what happens when you crash but really there was little information or other people’s personal experience in the same completely unmedicated state that I was in.

I was wolfing down nervous system sedative herbs & amino acids to minimal success as my nervous system was way out of control at this late stage. I think my physical body’s reserves of……..I don’t know what, chi or wtv, I’m sure the loss of all the nutrients that my nervous system was burning like a forest fire was having an big impact too.

I remember some of the crash, it happened over a couple of days in January 2016. It was like the pain in my nervous system, the intense muscular tension & my spiralling brain chaos merged into a plateau made of pain soup & there was a sudden, shuddering collision with a large immovable object that didn’t actually exist. Just like a wall & then you slide to the bottom in a heap, concussed.

My mind was literally like soup, nothing externally made any sense, i couldn’t name objects, I couldn’t complete a statement in my head whist retaining knowledge of how the sentence started, it was completely terrifying. I thought I was probably brain damaged for life now. I couldn’t really move physically except very slowly. I could get to the loo, Lily brought me food but she knew I wanted to see if I could recover on my own. She says I looked very poorly & depressed & was very confused. She had a new job & she was struggling with that & her own things.

Then the hot flushes started. I’d been on a low dose 3% natural progesterone cream for years to manage peri menopause symptoms but it was completely impotent in the battle with my new depleted nervous system. There is an overlap between the endocrine system & the nervous system & women with Bipolar/BPD generally have an abysmal time with pms, pregnancy, menopause stuff. 

I’d had a bad time with early onset peri menopause at 42 in 2009 but I’d thought I’d got off with a difficult 3 years but this was epic. I was having hot flushes that really hurt approximately every 10/15 mins but also I had this horrible electrical sensation around my eyes that moved around & made it even harder to focus to talk to other people. Then there was the dyesthesia, which is the nearest word I could find to describe my ‘skin thing’. This was a painful prickly heat thing that was permanently fluctuating up my arms and torso from uncomfortable to fucking painful. It was a bit like being on fire sometimes. I didn’t know what it was & neither did any doctor or mental health professional I described it to. I also suddenly developed intense permanent changeable tones of  Tinnitus which was completely new & very depressing in its own right.

All those symptoms arrived with the crash. It’s like the nervous system exhaustion from the high took my Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Adrenal Axis (HPA Axis) down with it. Tinnitus has been found to be caused by synapses failing to make their usual connections, it’s literally the sound of brain damage. If I can find the article re: that I will link it, it was fascinating & helped me so much.

I was in a weird blackscape void mostly made of pain.

Gradually over a few days I started slowly regaining physical function & my overriding realisation was that I seriously needed to avoid a depression that matched that high else I’d be dead. My 9 month depressions of my undiagnosed 20’s & 30’s where utterly gruelling & treacherous territory that I would resist returning to with everything I could muster.

I got Dr appoints & CMHT support slowly happened later over the year but right then I needed to do something drastic to prevent depression.

The only person I felt could go any way to save me from a serious depression was Beethoven - I’d been intensively learning his piano sonatas prior to the high so he was very near me in my regrouping psyche. I had pictures of him & my beloved Schubert all over my music room wall, like they were waiting for me to get back to them. To my surprise, I could still read music & doing this became pain relief & time out from the disorganisation & confusion in my head.

I found a website listing all the Beethoven memorable sites in & around Vienna & applied it to my google map on my phone. I’d received some compensation for something so I last-minute booked a flight to be there the eve of my 49 birthday & an air bnb right in the heart of Vienna. Birthdays have often been especially challenging to my lonely confused prediagnosis self & I intended to feel loved or at least in love.

It was really incredibly intrepid & brave of me. I couldn’t navigate the train ticket machine I needed to get into the town until someone helped me. My physical symptoms where relentless but I consoled myself with the fact it was going to be really cold in Vienna in February & that might be good for my hot flushes. Also endless walking the streets distracted by beautiful architecture would have anti-depressant powers. It was so cold, you had to move & moving is so good for brain health. 

I arrived after dark 18th Feb & made my way across the town in a taxi utterly charmed & distracted, which I guess was the whole point of this trip.

I will do a part 2 to this hopefully as it was such an important time in my life. A real turning point on every level. 

The suffering he endured my LvB, the loneliness, the depression, the rages & feeling misunderstood, the tinnitus, the deafness, the unrequited loves, the relentless physical afflictions he suffered since his late 20’s, he was my soulmate on that trip & he was there for me at every corner & every stop on my Beethoven itinerary & Schubert joined us & we hung out & it worked to keep me here. His endless relentless creative triumph over his suffering insisted that I have strength & though I have nothing like his gifts to bestow on the world, he gave me permission to stay & play, to live through his music, like finding footsteps in woods when you are lost. 

And beloved Schubert. I stood outside the house/museum where he had his short illness & died so young & I couldn’t face going inside, I could feel him, his pain & his illness from the street, or so it felt as well as my love & admiration for him. He goes through me, his music goes through me like nature at it’s absolute purist perfection. They are my spirit animals those two, I guess.

Second part later, perhaps.