Fit n fitter - I Shouldn't Really Be Here

I’m really quite physically fit, fitter than I’ve ever been amazingly but over 50 I do accept that my tummy is now doing it’s own thing to quite a large degree now…. Unconnected to exercise or calorific intake…. just off in its own apparently…. lol 

No it’s lovely 🥰 I’ve worked really hard to achieve even this & it’s lovely…… Gratuitous bikini pix to you. 

If you’ve suffered severe mental health problems & you make it past 40 you’ve done so amazingly well - the stats are clear…. My imaginary autobiography would be called “I shouldn’t really be here”. If you add up the life years lost to each of my conditions it adds up, using the max stat for each condition to exaggerate for effect…… to almost all of my mad massive 55 years that I’ve achieved

ADHD loses you between 11-13 yrs of life when still active in adulthood, with women disproportionately more likely to die from accident….(that’s very ADD)

BPD = a risk of 15-20 yrs lost and Bipolar 1 can lose you 11-20 from the average life expectancy.

I know that’s a overdramatic way of viewing it but I’ve used it for affect…. The overall average for severe mental illness is about 10 yrs lost….but it’s the quality of life lost thats the real disaster for all mental illness imo…..the suffering, the loneliness, the low self esteem…. that’s what’s really tough…..be kind to yourself for gods sake & practice having your own back for when no one else does. 💜🙌

Astrology plus Comedy

Equals….I don’t know…..a very wandering mind….

https://astromatrix.org/Horoscopes/Planet-Aspects/Moon-Square-Mercury

Natal Moon Square Mercury, I have this aspect - I also have Venus Square Moon to add insult to injury….don’t get me started on all my Venus oppositions, that lot alone results in a pretty clear depiction of BPD imho.

If you don’t like or believe in Astrology please just suspend your judgement temporarily for the sake of discursive entertainment & try to appreciate it as a bunch of well meaning Empaths reading the equivalent of feely tealeaves in the star canopy over millennia providing us with an idealogical skeleton which allows us to self directly dabble in a solo person centred therapy lucky dip. 

I like Astrology as a self development tool to dig around & gain insight. Some aspects won’t resonate strongly but when one does resonate with your current experience it can grant you a key to unlock a psychological door which otherwise may be missed. For example I only clocked that I had this aspect when I noticed my favourite person has it & I was looking at how it might play out for them 

I’d say we have an opposite dominance with this aspect (me & thee) I reckon I’d be Mercury dominant in this aspect as I’ve got Mercury in the 1st house of visible self, conjunct Venus in Pisces, I’m Pisces rising & fundamentally 12th house Pisces Sun….. but Gemini Moon makes that a kind of psychic swap shop of energies if I was appraising the positive, due to the mental nature of Gemini & the slippery ephemeral non physical nature of Pisces but I acknowledge the square energy, a blockage, a deflection, not flowing……. It’s my unwillingness to communicate, even just playing around with anything creatively, which being mainly a musician if I had to nail my colours to any professional mast, is pretty crushing.

That was a very dynamic statement wasn’t it. That brings me to that I’ve been wanting to share that I kind of did a reconnaissance mission of *all* my favourite comedians in the spring….. on my own….. i never went to sit down shows before, I always hated being stuck in a seat (ADHD much) I couldn’t afford tickets, never had a working vehicle, no one to go with (adversity much) social phobia, acrophobia, GAD, no support but Ive been building up to it gradually & Isochronic Tones Therapy really helps me.

I did it as an exercise in stoicism & I was great, i was really great, I grew some, I learned stuff, unfortunately I had a childish kind of myopic experience in regards to other people in their pairs in which I was not, & it kind of reinforced for me how difficult pairs are or could be out in the heightened scrutiny of the public zone….. but that’s another story….

I’m deeply attracted to comedy as an transformational art form, although I’m not personally built for doing it, I don’t think, unfortunately. Its Shamanic healing capacity so distinct with its instantaneous affect on neurotransmitters & im sure, brainwave frequency (oh I’d like to find out about that) 

 I’ve heard Eddie Izzard say that the unwritten rule in comedy is that you can only truly mock in good conscience that which you are or that you suffer….. so my potential to explore the myriad, ephemeral realms of Neurodiversity & my own experience of *so very many* Severe Mental Illness’s is a waste of good material tbh with a very well defined self selecting audience. Oh my, dissociation & paranoia jokes incoming…… or are they? 😅😂

Stewart Lee did a brilliant dramatic small section on aggressive intrusive thoughts late on in his Snowflake Tornado show, I loved it but I did not feel that that many members of the audience reacted as if they had direct first hand experience of what he was describing, which I do…. I appreciated that so much. I’ve felt such an outcast with my mental health, I appreciate that inclusion, that exposure so much.

I am deeply struck & moved by Stewart Lee saying on stage “I still don’t know what this is” about his craft as a whole and/or maybe also about his particularly unique & extraordinary version of it. I can really feel that statement, it’s like a moment of merging with the divine by pointing at it but then allowing it to be undefinable, uncontainable, it’s both a tantric comedy moment when he says it & a genuine description of the tantric potential of comedy.

Just as my imaginary music album has a name, and an Astro name at that, see a much earlier post, my imaginary comedy show would be called  “I just wish I’d charged”  see more recent posts 😅😂🤣 oh I’ll give it away 🤭 ….. it’s a Hypersexuality related title there that is….. for those that wonder.

Not all those that wonder remain lost. But those that wander may wonder realistically why not. 

Anyway

Here’s a couple of stolen astro graphics re Moon Square Mercury

ADHD, BPD, Bipolar Hypersexuality & Me

Rummaging through ADHD YouTube it springs quite quickly to my attention that there is a distinct correlation between ADHD & 🙄 especially my form, Inattentive ADHD & Hypersexuality. The attentive reader will understand that this now makes all 3 of my mental health conditions especially prone to either bouts of or just plain generalised Hypersexuality. Well this is a bit embarrassing.

Shocked, I tell you…….lol, no, of course I’m not shocked at all. Again, like so much about putting the ADHD piece into my mental health jigsaw, all becomes transparently clear at long last.

For many years I was peripherally concerned & somewhat temporally amused that i seemed to have an almighty sex drive to the degree that, I felt myself to be perhaps somewhat some sort of Nymphomaniac. I never felt guilt or shame about my high libido, although aligned with my impulsivity these was certainly potentially problematic & resulted in some pretty heavy risk taking at times.

Fortunately for me, when out of committed monogamy I was so miserable I could barely leave my bedroom for the most part, partly because my sky high libido was in despair at our loss of mutual remedy. At some point, of course, I would have to go out, against my better judgement usually, to seek another lover & that required being at least in a somewhat better mood or at least stoic & outgoing to some extent, so alcohol would be involved, which I am to all intents & purposes allergic to.

So, yes, Hypersexuality- I’ve read much debate about it’s relative dis-ease status or not & really the discerning factor is the degree to which it damages your life, like any addictive behaviour or substance, if it’s out of control & harms other important areas of your world then it’s a problem you might do well to seek help with.

Ultimately, overall I was not that bad regarding other people. I destroyed one really important formative relationship early on with Hypersexuality induced infidelity with one other person whilst in a bipolar hypermanic episode for which I hated myself for many years - and that’s it. I had one night stands when out of monogamous relationships but overall in relationship I was a very committed lover. And that’s the rub, I was a very committed lover. 😉

I’ve heard BPD women described as Sex Geniuses & Nymphomaniacs & it’s to do with the need to bond deeply & to dedicatedly secure affection to feel some safety against a backdrop of severely low self esteem stemming from all of the deeply unpleasant & difficult traits of BPD. Abandonment is the ultimate BPD terror, so being a love bombing nympomamiac fulfilling the fantasies of a partner was key to ensuring that was kept at bay. But the pendulum swing from intense devotion, deep bonding & unconscious dependency is a mountain of unfulfillable expectation, knee jerk rebellion with anger & disillusionment followed by massive BPD fear & confusion.

So overall, I don’t think I’m that bad, I don’t think I’m a sex addict who would do anything with anyone to get a fix, that’s not me at all & it hasn’t been me throughout my life. I’m not fixated on sex although I would say that on a daily basis fantasy love & sex things do go though my mind regularly albeit quite fleetingly, sometimes several times a day….. I guess like we were told that men think about sex every few minutes, is that a thing? Did they used to say that? If that’s true, that makes every man in a relationship a fantasy infidel probably, as one fantasy partner is going to get boring if you are thinking about it every ten minutes, aren’t you?

That said, I’d say that my crush, there’s only ever one at a time I don’t multi-crush, can float through my mind in a sexual wave, feeling, vibe, visual, or sensory motion several times a day & I think that’s ok….. it’s nice, I’ve been single for a very very long time & I think that’s nice, I get a dopamine surge, sometimes I just get a mental cuddle sometimes briefly more but overall it helps my life..…it helps with managing the isolation that I seem to need & have created for myself in which to dissect & hopefully heal my dis-eases…..it helps buffer my naturally high Libido which I’d say is pretty healthy in spite of my intense combination of conditions. I guess you’d have to say I’ve got it under control……now I have at any rate. That’s probably much easier to say post-menopause though tbf.

Do I need to rake over the historic worst of it? I don’t think so. The main person who got hurt was me. The main person I need to apologise to is me. My early partners came off badly, everyone was confused, I was baffled by myself, my instability was terrifying, epic…..isolation was the only sane action often times. But I can & do apologise to all my early lovers, none of us knew what was wrong with me & there was a lot wrong, I’m sorry it was such a mess for us all. You got off lightly, I had to stay with me…. 

Here’s an aside to the above though. Bipolar Mania Hypersexuality is grim. Like all of the nervous system aberrations of Bipolar……so much nervous system pain, so much physical tension, so much speed, just awful…… the HS aspect is unpleasant but then getting anyone to sleep with you when you’re manic is tricky as it’s really hard to hide how unwell you are…… you are talking nonsense…… real super nonsense not everyday nonsense but the sky is falling nonsense, up is down nonsense, nothing is real nonsense….. with the notable exception of being taken advantage of under the influence of excessive alcohol when I was younger I think I kept pretty clear of the worst possibility’s due to being somewhat introverted by nature.

Ive not drank in 15 years now, thankfully, & I think that alcohol is the most heinous of drugs for any form of mental illness. To remove inhibitions from an already disinhibited person with BPD or Bipolar mania or hypomania is a disaster. It’s brain inflammatory. It’s horrible. And most with mental, that is brain based & nervous system dysfunction cannot physically cope with it imo. And it’s a cultural precursor to disinhibited social as well as sexual interaction for many well people, but I feel that ‘problems’ with alcohol are a ready indicator of undiagnosed mental illness & for those with particular conditions & traits, it’s an incredibly dangerous & life threatening drug.

Loss of faith in my thoughts (plus)

It’s understandable that after a period of time being wonky/ BPD episode is a good descriptor, that I have this reluctance to share anything. That last piece was going to be a sentence & some photos but I went stream of consciousness about beauty & then kept remembering fragments I had wanted to say. I’ve been watching TEDTalks about ADHD which has been really nice, it’s the most socially acceptable bit of my diagnoses I think, yet it is definitely really difficult to live with. I can forget what I’m thinking before I’ve even finished cognitising the thought, it feels like thoughts disappear into the ether, tracelessly, just leaving the frustrating sensation that I’ve just forgotten something important. 

I saw Dylan Moran on his recent ‘We Got This’ tour & he talked about losing memory & forgetting more as he’s got older, he’s talked of it before I think, he described it beautifully of course, “ don’t worry if you forget things your thinking about, there will always be more” he said dryly. Dylan strikes me as a potential ADHDer - he’s definitely got something wide of the norm going on there - he was drinking again on stage which I was surprised at, & he spoke of how he’d mastered sobriety, so he could drink again …..but then if you can handle it, & most with mental illness must have to say that they cannot, alcohol is a deliverer of the important relaxant neurotransmitter GABA to the blood stream…… I have other less addictive, less inflammatory ways of doing that myself.

So, organising my thoughts, creative ideas, to do list is/has always been a real struggle for me. I’ve actually done some major, long overdue house organising since I’ve been using Isochronic Tones…. Some areas of the house had been moved around whilst I was very brain damaged post high & things like my passport recently surfaced, outside in the porch in an amusing bag of mixed historical items….. that’s typical of the confused brain state of post high. 

How can I know that my disorganisation is ADHD not just brain damage from Bipolar episodes? 

Well, that’s why it’s taken so very long to get here. It’s the internal sense that I’ve reached ‘my normal’, my best functioning state, again, after a very long time being much less functional than that & then discovering anew that that ‘best’ state, as I perceive it, is indeed really bloody difficult in itself & has all the hallmarks of inattentive ADHD all over it. To be honest, it was remembering starting secondary school & how being baffled became my main mental, emotional state & what I now know are ADHD traits from then, from a time clearly pre Bipolar.

I just didn’t know why I was so frustrated & scatterbrained before….. and I was dealing with ridiculously long deep depressions & then hyposmanias that both scrambled my brain further….. never mind the BPD traits, how the fuck can you describe that, it’s like layers of dysfunction on dysfunction that somehow nobody else around me was taking seriously.

Maybe I had quite quiet BPD, certainly, in relationship, the main battleground of BPD, I’d be likely to just go into a deep depression at the depth of my difficulty, reactivity & defeatedness once the ever loving, intense, I guess love bombing? hypersexual bonding early stages faded & hot & cold, yes I did that definitely, “ you are perfect/ I hate you” that’s very BPD & I hated it, I commonly felt entirely defeated by relationships, my total instability & thus reliance of this person who I equally experienced as an enemy or as a friend. And yet the loss of, perceived loss of or abandonment by this person was like being killed, every time, slain, hopelessly destroyed & hating them all the more for having that monumental power over me. Excruciating yet unable to sensibly get away until they forced it. Quite rightly. “But you are not getting better” he said. I wasn’t, I was getting worse, the stress of hateful dependency on someone with no intention or interest in meeting any of my needs as a single mum with kids, on benefits, so at sea, so directionless, yet so loving, so kind, so accepting but so confused, endlessly confused, endlessly sorry for having a reaction, so jealous, so possessive, so lonely, so scared of a big bipolar episode then oblivious when one started.

It’s so hard not to attribute blame to people around me but I can see clearly now that about half of those around me, those who continually normalised my suicidal ideation, my hypersexuality, my binge drinking where also undiagnosed severe mentally ill & the other half were, due to their own energetic deficits were taking advantage of my intense vulnerability to feel better about themselves. Of course I attracted Narcissists, all vulnerable people attract NPD types who coldly take what they want & damn the cost to anyone else.

I’ve ranted, I’ll stop 🤔🤗🙂☺️ (if I repeat myself, I guess I do, then forgive me, I guess I’m using my blog as therapy…. So wtv)

PS

Ah, I just want to add a note about Narcissists & NPD here. Similarly to BPD, the popular preconception of these is really so bad & probably justifiably to a point but not all of us with these conditions are wilfully aiming to harm, in fact I’d say most are not aiming to harm. There is a big overlap between NPD & BPD, as much as 40% BPD have narcissistic traits I believe. Am I in that? You tell me, you are as likely to know from perceiving me from outside as I am from in here with all these perceptual aberrations. I think not, personally, I’m too much of a martyr I think….. but contrary to the popular position I think hating on us with these misunderstood conditions is vile. It is thought to be even more painful to be Narcissistic than it is to have BPD, so that’s saying something. Have compassion….remove yourself to safety but have compassion. Anyone that seeks help should be encouraged & supported, these illnesses are entirely life-destroying if allowed to be. Have hope if you have such yourself, you have my deepest sympathy, stay vigilant but have hope. 💗

ive got lots to blog

 & lots of good things to share but im all backed up on my inner hard drive - so here have some vanity selfies from today instead 💗💜💚 im a bit too old to get vain really but it goes to show it can happen to anyone, I spent most of my adult life unable to find a hairbrush & avoiding mirrors & photos….. but then we are living in the Age of Vanity, of beauty/image worship/fetishism aren’t we…..I think we are, more than ever before, I suppose, with the onus now on the individual now able to compete to some extent with Hollywood standards of beauty that 50 yrs ago most would have happily experienced as unattainable.  No market in unattainable though is there….. 

I think I just spend too much time on my own & im the most interesting thing in my environment - but no, I do get pleasure out of make-up, its such an easy self expression even when im blocked up in other ways. I’ve been in a BPD episode for a few days I think, its been building for a while before that, I should make the effort to describe it better, I know, & its so much clearer to perceive & assess without the backdrop of permanent anxiety. What I will say though, is just how deeply & keenly it alters my perception of the world, just completely 100% different; that social phobia with paranoia, almost psychosis in perception, its only because im largely under no stress in my life, or none I cannot duck out of anyway, that I can see it for what it is so clearly. I would have to withdraw from any sort of busy environment. Fortunately, Im able to spend a lot of time in Nature which is so forgiving of those perceptions. Distortion, majorly distorted perception with foggy thinking & lostness, so very very uncomfortable. I had started not being able to tweet my opinions on Twitter, again, I’d write a reply then delete it in doubt & confusion. I’d freeze. This seems to have been a much milder episode & shorter than other ones I’ve spoken about on here but still really horrible.

Im still getting *lots* of help & relief from my Isochronic tones but I could dearly do with help from a therapist (even Samaritans?) for my BPD core trigger stuff.

Ive been making voice notes on my phone to try to help me to remember things I want to share, I have such an abysmal time trying to organise myself, my thoughts & ideas etc & I do have a lot of them ( thx god I have made the ADHD connection 🙄 though) & I did a whole 5 minutes about loneliness & mental illness which Id like to share - - - we'll see - lots of love

Late Diagnosis Anger/Trauma/Grief

I was talking with my wonderful, awesome daughter in law who has late diagnosed ADHD very recently at 33, about how angry I’ve been feeling & she told me that late diagnosis trauma is an actual recognised thing in mental health….. it’s ‘what could have been pain’….. yep that’s part of what’s been going on definitely, I keep getting really angry that I can’t have things happen that a more well person, someone who’s been okish, ok enough could have had like a career, relationships, friendships, achievements, I dunno, travel, err there’s lots of things isn’t there. I’ve literally lived in survival mode my entire adult life not knowing what the fuck was hitting me all the time, I didn’t know what was happening or why. 

So why am I getting angry now? Well, I thing my brain reconstruction process is in pretty good shape right now, best it’s been in a very long time, possibly ever which is great & a cause for great joy & for feeling very very proud & pleased that I’ve achieved that against such greats odds…… & I do think that feeling is there, it’s just partially obscured by this anger & trauma & loss about how much I missed out. Just bare with me, I’ve got to process it my way, I know people want to just say focus on the positive, the present, the future, don’t look back in anger or whatever but I’m raking it over to try to make sense & release some of it, Its just my process I guess. Certainly just a year ago I didn’t have the brain capacity to process anything other than am I having a good day & how to try to stay ok or a bad day & how best to triage that. 

I’ve been locked in my room on my own feeling crazy for all these different parts of my life, so many, long bipolar lows mainly but also for the 8 years after the Psychiatrist misdiagnosed/failed to diagnose me in 2008 I now know I was massively brain damaged at that time & at that actual appointment, which is why I couldn’t explain what I was experiencing to him. His misdiagnosis essentially put me & kept me in the house not knowing why my brain was broken or even that it was for nearly another decade of confusion. I had already given up alcohol, as i realised I couldn’t be trusted with it but that was my social anxiety buffer removed with nothing to replace it. 

It was just so baffling, probably since that first brain damage of the first Bipolar high & crash at 18. No, damn it……I felt brain damaged much earlier, I had over the top rage attacks as a child I don’t know when that started but it was still happening at 13/14 when I quit eating for 6 months. And as I went amongst it all as a teen & got into alcohol these merged into dangerous rage triggered by jealousy over boys, even physically attacking other girls - impulse control had left the building already…. this is how I left school at 17 with next to no qualifications. I hadn’t been able to concentrate on schoolwork for years, since about 12 is how I remember it. (there’s a real ADHD vibe about this period)

Bipolar highs definitely cause brain damage in & of themselves & the crash to low is completely surreal & feels like my nervous system completely disintegrating. Short term memory is decimated, as well as decision making & impulse control etc. I’ve heard PTSD be describe like Alzheimer’s & both my kids will verify how badly like Alzheimer’s I was post crash 2016 & now looking back I can start to see & appreciate the other times that I was left with this Alzheimer’s brain & the slow crawl back or else the resorting to extreme behaviour to get some respite & relief from the feeling of being disarranged cognitively as well as emotionally dysregulated by minutiae. 

Currently listing to Binaural Beats Deep Theta & it’s simply the most healing thing I’ve done in a long time for my nervous system 💜💜💜 Someone reminded me about them recently🙏 I used Binaural Beats for years between 2006-2015 but I invariably had no working headphones so I just had it on in the room which I think is not so good - that’s how poor I was financially before the disability benefits i got 2017 post diagnosis, I could not afford headphones. I was 50 & I couldn’t afford headphones, what can I say. 

Dopamine Highs & Lows...... Vs Oxytocin

In this fascinating video Russell Brand & the author of "Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, psychiatrist Dr. Anna Lembke" discuss how even relatively low Dopamine surges demand brain chemistry to self correct pretty swiftly causing a slight low. This is a general human response, as in everyone will experience this although i'm aware that as a Bipolar 1 sufferer i'm probably more experientially knowledgeable re: high & low dopamine at very extreme levels than a lot of people.

I had various degrees of Anorexia throughout roughly 2002-2008, some poverty related but much related to my Emotional Dysregulation that I now know to have been undiagnosed BPD plus BP1 - I was very very conscious at that time that i desperately needed Oxytocin, I was in the aftermath of a bad relationship break up but also a very disorientating Bipolar high (I was undiagnosed ) - I remember I used to fantasise about having my hair brushed by kind women friends which is terrifically emblematic of Oxytocin production to my mind, but I was suffering such a serious Bipolar depression by that point that I was not able to muster the strength to get any help.

I was always researching natural health & I found that Oxytocin was in development as a pain relieving, mood improving, anti anxiety medicine at that time, 2004 ish - I did not have a pet yet, a really top valuable Oxytocin provider. Singing in a group & along with music is also another well known way to get 'free' Oxytocin. But I was single & having drunken one night stands in a desperate bid for Oxytocin but to no avail. You get masses of exciting Dopamine but without that lovely cuddle hormone to soften the drop.

In fact i'd go so far as to say I don't think you can make Oxytocin from casual sex when you are drunk, which is why you might feel uncomfortable when you next see the person rather then warmly fond..... that's just my personal observation. If i'm correct, that makes that kind of sex much more expensive in terms of problematic brain chemistry (see video above) than sex in a trusted pair bond scenario. (i'm open to this maybe being a bit different for some intrinsically polyamorous types; assume naturally high Oxytocin status?) 

Just to clarify, the following is not about people who have an innately strong Oxytocin supply naturally. That is they do not suffer from any of the mental health issues mentioned, get over break ups with relative ease, feel naturally welcome in life generally, for want of a better description. I know because I don't so easily get these things up & running..... its a huge conscious effort for me.

One further point I want to insert here is that naturally occurring post-birth Oxytocin & indeed any pair bond Oxytocin famously can bring with it an increased sense of a spiritual dimension to life, I guess coming in via the feelings of safety, connectedness, oneness pointing the self towards an increased sense of an overarching cosmic consciousness. Which is lovely & a bit magical.

I tried to find research on the down side of supplemental Oxytocin & whilst there seemed to be only a positive response in sufferers of serious nervous system dysfunction;  PTSD, Anxiety, ASD, ADHD, eating disorders etc, 'well' people in the research could suffer the unwanted side affect of increased empathy to the subtle emotional signalling of strangers/acquaintances, potentially resulting in unnecessary intense emotional reactions. (This last bit makes me think that BPD might included a particular hyper sensitivity to Oxytocin or the absence of or problems with creating it in some way)

It seems to me to be beyond obvious that we should trial supplemental nasal spray Oxytocin in the deemed largely 'untreatable' Anti-Social Personality Disorder/Sociopathy/Psychopathy & Narcissistic Personality Disorder cohort. These disorders all suffer from a basic, deep seated lack of empathy, resulting in huge problems in life & relationships. Maybe its been done. I hope so.

It seems pretty obvious that unimpeded Oxytocin production during childhood, the steady feeling of belonging in a family, in a community, being physically comforted when you need to etc etc powerfully lays a framework for nervous system wellness in later life & that Physical & Psychological trauma interferes with Oxytocin production among other things, of that there is no doubt.

https://www.verywellmind.com/does-oxytocin-affect-your-mental-health-5114940

I find this subject absolutely fascinating. It accounts for why, for myself, casual relationships, one night stands are innately painful in a way that's really hard to describe. I think that making love without making Oxytocin requires the participants to be 'out of it' in some way, so with a blunted awareness of the lowering of boundaries & self consciousness, vulnerability etc hence why inhibition removing alcohol is a drug of choice wherever very casual sex is lauded as a very casual pastime.

I haven't so much as had my hand held romantically for over a decade..... that's quite extreme isn't it. I've had one serious 2 year relationship since I gave up alcohol in 2007 & zero casual hook ups...... the reason is within the statement I think.

In my defence I was undiagnosed, actively misdiagnosed as not having Bipolar in fact & yet knew absolutely there was something seriously wrong with me for the longest time. My dating aversion has been as much to protect others from my emotional dysregulation as it has been to protect myself from triggers. Unfortunately, my best efforts at close friends were also smited by undiagnosed BPD elements that I did not understand at all & was immensely frustrated by too.

So happy to now know what's wrong with me, so happy to be working on myself & being my own wellness project - Happy Valentines Day 💜  (for tomorrow)

So, Agitated Depression

I just want to share this book & a video that have helped me - the video just in the last few days & the book way, way back in 2005 when I got very poorly with anorexia, which was due to undiagnosed Bipolar plus BPD essentially.

I had long loooong depressions at that time, 9 months of the year, on my own, endlessly on my own with that & anyway, the book author was with me, it felt, she did good with me. I had that book for consolation in very extreme physical/emotional pain - I really thought I was going to die, I could not eat at all for quite some time. Somehow it turned around & this book was part of that.

The bloody heart pain. That is one of my bad symptoms, one of my really bad pains - that’s why the book title reached out to me - it feels like im physically stabbed through the heart. This video by Dr Fox explains somewhat what’s going on, it is physical, it is constricted heart arteries & BPD people are highly susceptible to it - which is very good to know - it makes it ever so slightly less shit to know BPD folk get this one a lot.

Something has been building for quite some while, all summer i've been actively mitigating hypomania & anxiety whist simultaneously trying to bust through the really stubborn blocks of my agoraphobia & social phobia, with relative success I think.

But it culminated this last week with a kind of confusion explosion. I’d successfully made it to 2 gigs at Plymouth on my own in the last few weeks but I was getting more & more scared of driving to London on my own, with just my dog Connor for support. Yet meeting my oldest friend Annebella at the venue & then to go back to Worthing with her was so very very tantalising. 

I wanted to reconnect with her so much. Last time I saw her I’d not long been given my BPD diagnosis, her daughter also has a BPD diagnosis so AB was really brilliant to talk to. I was still very confused & she was great at letting me ramble, I know I was a bit incoherant. She’s a great listener, a precious beautiful lady, a PHd of Art History, a published author, I feel honoured to still have her as a friend, to have managed to not piss her off too badly. She knew me in my early 20’s when I had shorter depressions but was way wild with Hypomania much of the rest of the time. 

I’ve been so lonely, for so long, for a best friend, I feel like im dying from not having anyone to play with. We just buried my friend Mary which I got through by the grace of something I don’t really know but thank you! Another old friend stayed here for a few days over the funeral but he didn’t hang out with me very much, obviously he was grieving himself.

So this looming London gig got more & more threatening. I was worried about the cost & the Omicron thing. I emailed the venue on Tuesday & they sent a refund straight away & then I just crashed. I immediately regretted cancelling mostly for not seeing Annebella but also Eddie who I really love & I kept missing all his gigs throughout 2020/21 doing his Charles Dickens thing & every time I missed it I got more frustrated that I must manage to make it despite my agoraphobia & social anxiety.

Its really silly I know but Eddie was in my mind my ‘friend’ during my early mid twenties depressions  - his audio tapes & videos where literally one of the only things that made me feel hope or connected or like anyone on earth might understand my strange wonky brain, with his full on, unlimited imagination, I always felt like he would ‘get me’, mentally, I guess thats because I really 'got him' mentally & that was so rare for me when I generally felt I was too hard to understand & too much for most people most of the time.

Even at Marys wake I kept saying things that people didn’t get - I could tell I made people uncomfortable so that made me uncomfortable - I think ive just gone a bit feral from lack of human companionship - a bit more interpersonally/socially weird. Although, Lily's told me to tell people that I have Autism to explain myself a bit/get some leeway & she’s worked with Autistic teens so…….. yes maybe, hmmm?

So I got badly triggered whilst in the height of my confusion about the gig & it went straight to my heart pain with all the inconsolable crying - I had it for many months after my last relationship ended a decade ago - I was waitressing - I used to ask other people if they had ever had this excruciating heart pain that didn't go away for months & months but nobody really related very much as it was so physical.

As ever, I just shut up & put up with it. It went on so long, you just learn to live with stuff but I shouldn’t have really I should have got help. I’m a bugger for not getting help, I mainly don’t think I can afford help, maybe I also think I don’t deserve help, i don’t want to trouble anyone because there will be someone worse off that needs that help, I don’t really know why. Old habits of serious neglect die hard I guess.

I have just had a very tough few days. I disassociate easily I think, which is & mainly isn’t helpful, but is obviously something ive learned to do to cope. The immense fear of staying down & going into a long depression is absolutely terrifying. The dogs proceed to drag me from the house twice a day like the furry determined anti-depressants they are, so thats good, that’s in place, that works.

Ive been being terrible with money all year, in fact my son has now taken my bank cards for safe keeping. Overspending, comfort spending mainly on the way I look which feels so so ridiculous at my age when I don’t go out anywhere there are other people anyway. I see my daughter & granddaughter 2/3 times a week but Lily says my need to talk is too much for her supertired, supersore fibromyalgia plus ptsd/anxiety state she has going on. I see my son & his family maybe once a week but they are flat out in one way or another. I don’t get to talk, I don’t get to explore what’s so stuck with anyone, I have no other close friends or friends who I think would want me. 

Im quite a bit better today - a very long FaceTime with Lily yesterday whilst Pan was out & we managed to home in on what my immediate goals actually are….. not easy for either of us as we are very similar in impractical right brain nature, with anxiety & a strong sense of brain damage to our ‘sorting stuff out’ brains. My goals are organising more tangible support & therapies that might help decommission my big trigger stuff (EMDR on NHS for start) - there’s more obv but essentially I do have goals they are just a lot more limited & health based than what most people might think of as goals……. But wtv

Vienna as Psyche Repair

I’ve already talked a bit about my Vienna trip in 2016 but there’s so much more I’d like to say about it. I’ve not travelled hardly anywhere in my adult life due to mental ill health & mental ill health related poverty to put it bluntly.

I’d had a absolutely classic untreated Bipolar 1 ‘high’ lasting 8/9 months through 2015 (I was undiagnosed)& the dawning awareness of the severity of what was happening & that I was dealing with Bipolar 1 really hit me nearly at the end of that in December 2015 with the horrifying realisation that, if this was the high, excruciating & disorientating that it was….then there inevitably had to be a crash to a low coming at some point.

I was terrified that I’d need hospitalisation to manage the physical pain from the chaotic high speed that my nervous system & brain had achieved & I did not know what to expect as I had never sustained such a long, dramatic high, there had been mostly hypomania in the past to the best of my knowledge, so I’d been more a Bipolar 2 throughout my 20’s & 30’s with excessively long deep depressions. It is known that left untreated it can progress types like that.

I’ve long been mainstream medicine sceptical & them fucking me up badly at this totally vulnerable moment seemed a real possibility. I knew without a shadow of a doubt what I was dealing with now & in my mental mayhem I struggled to concentrate & research what happens when you crash but really there was little information or other people’s personal experience in the same completely unmedicated state that I was in.

I was wolfing down nervous system sedative herbs & amino acids to minimal success as my nervous system was way out of control at this late stage. I think my physical body’s reserves of……..I don’t know what, chi or wtv, I’m sure the loss of all the nutrients that my nervous system was burning like a forest fire was having an big impact too.

I remember some of the crash, it happened over a couple of days in January 2016. It was like the pain in my nervous system, the intense muscular tension & my spiralling brain chaos merged into a plateau made of pain soup & there was a sudden, shuddering collision with a large immovable object that didn’t actually exist. Just like a wall & then you slide to the bottom in a heap, concussed.

My mind was literally like soup, nothing externally made any sense, i couldn’t name objects, I couldn’t complete a statement in my head whist retaining knowledge of how the sentence started, it was completely terrifying. I thought I was probably brain damaged for life now. I couldn’t really move physically except very slowly. I could get to the loo, Lily brought me food but she knew I wanted to see if I could recover on my own. She says I looked very poorly & depressed & was very confused. She had a new job & she was struggling with that & her own things.

Then the hot flushes started. I’d been on a low dose 3% natural progesterone cream for years to manage peri menopause symptoms but it was completely impotent in the battle with my new depleted nervous system. There is an overlap between the endocrine system & the nervous system & women with Bipolar/BPD generally have an abysmal time with pms, pregnancy, menopause stuff. 

I’d had a bad time with early onset peri menopause at 42 in 2009 but I’d thought I’d got off with a difficult 3 years but this was epic. I was having hot flushes that really hurt approximately every 10/15 mins but also I had this horrible electrical sensation around my eyes that moved around & made it even harder to focus to talk to other people. Then there was the dyesthesia, which is the nearest word I could find to describe my ‘skin thing’. This was a painful prickly heat thing that was permanently fluctuating up my arms and torso from uncomfortable to fucking painful. It was a bit like being on fire sometimes. I didn’t know what it was & neither did any doctor or mental health professional I described it to. I also suddenly developed intense permanent changeable tones of  Tinnitus which was completely new & very depressing in its own right.

All those symptoms arrived with the crash. It’s like the nervous system exhaustion from the high took my Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Adrenal Axis (HPA Axis) down with it. Tinnitus has been found to be caused by synapses failing to make their usual connections, it’s literally the sound of brain damage. If I can find the article re: that I will link it, it was fascinating & helped me so much.

I was in a weird blackscape void mostly made of pain.

Gradually over a few days I started slowly regaining physical function & my overriding realisation was that I seriously needed to avoid a depression that matched that high else I’d be dead. My 9 month depressions of my undiagnosed 20’s & 30’s where utterly gruelling & treacherous territory that I would resist returning to with everything I could muster.

I got Dr appoints & CMHT support slowly happened later over the year but right then I needed to do something drastic to prevent depression.

The only person I felt could go any way to save me from a serious depression was Beethoven - I’d been intensively learning his piano sonatas prior to the high so he was very near me in my regrouping psyche. I had pictures of him & my beloved Schubert all over my music room wall, like they were waiting for me to get back to them. To my surprise, I could still read music & doing this became pain relief & time out from the disorganisation & confusion in my head.

I found a website listing all the Beethoven memorable sites in & around Vienna & applied it to my google map on my phone. I’d received some compensation for something so I last-minute booked a flight to be there the eve of my 49 birthday & an air bnb right in the heart of Vienna. Birthdays have often been especially challenging to my lonely confused prediagnosis self & I intended to feel loved or at least in love.

It was really incredibly intrepid & brave of me. I couldn’t navigate the train ticket machine I needed to get into the town until someone helped me. My physical symptoms where relentless but I consoled myself with the fact it was going to be really cold in Vienna in February & that might be good for my hot flushes. Also endless walking the streets distracted by beautiful architecture would have anti-depressant powers. It was so cold, you had to move & moving is so good for brain health. 

I arrived after dark 18th Feb & made my way across the town in a taxi utterly charmed & distracted, which I guess was the whole point of this trip.

I will do a part 2 to this hopefully as it was such an important time in my life. A real turning point on every level. 

The suffering he endured my LvB, the loneliness, the depression, the rages & feeling misunderstood, the tinnitus, the deafness, the unrequited loves, the relentless physical afflictions he suffered since his late 20’s, he was my soulmate on that trip & he was there for me at every corner & every stop on my Beethoven itinerary & Schubert joined us & we hung out & it worked to keep me here. His endless relentless creative triumph over his suffering insisted that I have strength & though I have nothing like his gifts to bestow on the world, he gave me permission to stay & play, to live through his music, like finding footsteps in woods when you are lost. 

And beloved Schubert. I stood outside the house/museum where he had his short illness & died so young & I couldn’t face going inside, I could feel him, his pain & his illness from the street, or so it felt as well as my love & admiration for him. He goes through me, his music goes through me like nature at it’s absolute purist perfection. They are my spirit animals those two, I guess.

Second part later, perhaps.

Not really about Dylan Moran at all

Dylan Moran turned 50 yesterday so I thought, as my very most favourite comedian I’d like to post a little personal outthink to the artistic & comedic genius in a kind of self absorbed thankyou for all of the psychological relief I’ve received from his work, which has been extensive.

The only time I’ve ever seen him live was when my son surprised me with tickets to see him at the Exeter Phoenix as a small venue warm up show for Off the Hook for my 48 birthday. We were front row & also near the door to ease my social anxiety but also so very near him in such an intimate venue & I was quickly thrown by the absence in myself of physical attraction for him in real life - I had such huge affection for him, i felt such massive psychological rapport so you know, I just assumed that automatically I’d have the most intense romantic feelings for him in physical proximity but they were most distinctly lacking. Not to say he’s not physically an attractive person, of course he is, he’s scrummy on all levels but he just did not, most mercifully I might add, trigger those kind of feelings, instead there was just the most warm appreciation & deep friendliness you can imagine. Still, I remember I was surprised.

It was a relief to find that I did not have any unrequited romantic love for my favourite & a distinctly happily married comedian, those drives in me are more than capable of making me completely insane thanks to BPD’s high capacity for limerence & obsession. The more performers I love that I get to meet as human beings the more i can enjoy a truer appreciation unburden by all the crazy fantasy elements I’m capable of creating, however much fun those can be & they really are.

I have massive problem facing reality I think, maybe it’s too late to change now coming on 55, I don’t know. I think harnessing my overactive imagination for creative purposes is my only hope. I don’t think being less lonely is gonna be easy to manifest in the real world, it doesn’t feel easy to manifest. I was so lonely walking the streets of Vienna on my 49th birthday, following my self made Beethoven & Schubert itinerary the only way to make it bearable was by imagining the two of them with me, you know hanging out with me, my best friends which since then they turned out to be just that, somehow, across the centuries, it was a life saver, my powerful sky high imagination saved my own life that time, when I needed it to most.

There was another Dylan link, Dylan was performing in Vienna the very week I was there but I was too ill to make an independent off itinerary decision, I walked past the theatre a couple of times & felt my oh too familiar sense of intense pressing paranoia (a common BPD trait) along with the completely irrational fear that somehow I’d be made to listen to it in Viennese & that that would have been excruciating …. I don’t know, it was extra money I guess, ultimately it’s just really hard to go to most things on my own, sit down events especially. If I can move about I can expend some of my nervous tension so live music events can be a bit easier for me.

Just speaking out loud which I think is good for me x