The Law of the Even Deal

I stumbled across this interesting concept, the Law of the Even Deal on a Buddhist Relationship Counsellors web site….. I think…… or at least that’s where I ended up somehow & I really liked it so I thought I’d share it in case it helps anyone.

Basically, in years of giving couples therapy she discovered that one of the biggest pit falls in relationships was how men & women process receiving differently.

So the concept is that when men receive something in relationship, anything, a kiss, affection, sex, a gift, a meal etc they experience it internally an increased sense of self esteem, self worth, almost like the experience of praise. But women experience receiving these same things as a debt that must be repaid. So women seek to repay what’s given, whereas men, generally only give when they are moved to internally. The counsellor said that 99% of the time in her practice this was the fact.

So this is interesting. What’s the main complaint that women have in relationship? It’s that they feel it’s unbalanced, that they give & give & it’s not reciprocated. Women traditionally build resentment over time about this don’t they, it’s a classic scenario.

I remember making this complaint to a male friend about a boyfriend, he explained to me that when you give & give unconditionally (I know, ‘apparently’ unconditionally) all the other person really knows or learns about you is that you love to give….. rather than ‘look I can give & give, will you also give & give the same….. because I have all these needs’.

My ‘best’, as in least unsuccessful relationship had my partner trying to actually employ me in a range of roles in the real world & as such was the least ‘indebted’ of all my ex’s specifically due to this. Unfortunately, my continued lack of diagnoses conundrum & on going depressions ruined all that but the sentiment was clearly there… bless him…. the only one who tried to get some balance between us….. many were just…. I’m not even going to talk about them actually.

So, the Law of the Even Deal strives for more conscious balance in the give & take of relationships, acknowledging there’s a gender based difference & that not attending to this subtle law is one of the major causes of relationship breakdown.

I guess ultimately, deciding on what exactly constitutes balance in any given relationship is going to be unique & personal to the individuals involved, but I think it’s a very worthwhile area to explore. 

Astrology plus Comedy

Equals….I don’t know…..a very wandering mind….

https://astromatrix.org/Horoscopes/Planet-Aspects/Moon-Square-Mercury

Natal Moon Square Mercury, I have this aspect - I also have Venus Square Moon to add insult to injury….don’t get me started on all my Venus oppositions, that lot alone results in a pretty clear depiction of BPD imho.

If you don’t like or believe in Astrology please just suspend your judgement temporarily for the sake of discursive entertainment & try to appreciate it as a bunch of well meaning Empaths reading the equivalent of feely tealeaves in the star canopy over millennia providing us with an idealogical skeleton which allows us to self directly dabble in a solo person centred therapy lucky dip. 

I like Astrology as a self development tool to dig around & gain insight. Some aspects won’t resonate strongly but when one does resonate with your current experience it can grant you a key to unlock a psychological door which otherwise may be missed. For example I only clocked that I had this aspect when I noticed my favourite person has it & I was looking at how it might play out for them 

I’d say we have an opposite dominance with this aspect (me & thee) I reckon I’d be Mercury dominant in this aspect as I’ve got Mercury in the 1st house of visible self, conjunct Venus in Pisces, I’m Pisces rising & fundamentally 12th house Pisces Sun….. but Gemini Moon makes that a kind of psychic swap shop of energies if I was appraising the positive, due to the mental nature of Gemini & the slippery ephemeral non physical nature of Pisces but I acknowledge the square energy, a blockage, a deflection, not flowing……. It’s my unwillingness to communicate, even just playing around with anything creatively, which being mainly a musician if I had to nail my colours to any professional mast, is pretty crushing.

That was a very dynamic statement wasn’t it. That brings me to that I’ve been wanting to share that I kind of did a reconnaissance mission of *all* my favourite comedians in the spring….. on my own….. i never went to sit down shows before, I always hated being stuck in a seat (ADHD much) I couldn’t afford tickets, never had a working vehicle, no one to go with (adversity much) social phobia, acrophobia, GAD, no support but Ive been building up to it gradually & Isochronic Tones Therapy really helps me.

I did it as an exercise in stoicism & I was great, i was really great, I grew some, I learned stuff, unfortunately I had a childish kind of myopic experience in regards to other people in their pairs in which I was not, & it kind of reinforced for me how difficult pairs are or could be out in the heightened scrutiny of the public zone….. but that’s another story….

I’m deeply attracted to comedy as an transformational art form, although I’m not personally built for doing it, I don’t think, unfortunately. Its Shamanic healing capacity so distinct with its instantaneous affect on neurotransmitters & im sure, brainwave frequency (oh I’d like to find out about that) 

 I’ve heard Eddie Izzard say that the unwritten rule in comedy is that you can only truly mock in good conscience that which you are or that you suffer….. so my potential to explore the myriad, ephemeral realms of Neurodiversity & my own experience of *so very many* Severe Mental Illness’s is a waste of good material tbh with a very well defined self selecting audience. Oh my, dissociation & paranoia jokes incoming…… or are they? 😅😂

Stewart Lee did a brilliant dramatic small section on aggressive intrusive thoughts late on in his Snowflake Tornado show, I loved it but I did not feel that that many members of the audience reacted as if they had direct first hand experience of what he was describing, which I do…. I appreciated that so much. I’ve felt such an outcast with my mental health, I appreciate that inclusion, that exposure so much.

I am deeply struck & moved by Stewart Lee saying on stage “I still don’t know what this is” about his craft as a whole and/or maybe also about his particularly unique & extraordinary version of it. I can really feel that statement, it’s like a moment of merging with the divine by pointing at it but then allowing it to be undefinable, uncontainable, it’s both a tantric comedy moment when he says it & a genuine description of the tantric potential of comedy.

Just as my imaginary music album has a name, and an Astro name at that, see a much earlier post, my imaginary comedy show would be called  “I just wish I’d charged”  see more recent posts 😅😂🤣 oh I’ll give it away 🤭 ….. it’s a Hypersexuality related title there that is….. for those that wonder.

Not all those that wonder remain lost. But those that wander may wonder realistically why not. 

Anyway

Here’s a couple of stolen astro graphics re Moon Square Mercury

Positive Traits of People with BPD

I know this is hard to accept for all the hating on us the world can do but this stuff in this article is to a greater or lesser extent true for very many of us I believe. I hear this idea that BPD is arrested emotional development, that we are emotionally stunted, emotionally immature but its a very specific stuntedness, that description does not completely hold water, I mean in some ways it does, the tantrums, the acting out but its not the whole story, there's something else going on.

Ive been told many many times that I am emotionally intelligent, empathic, in touch with my self & my feelings, conscious of others wants & needs......  I half trained as a Psychotherapist, people said they thought i'd make a genuinely good counsellor......what gives? I don't know.

I see BPD more like a particularly deep ego wounding that healed all up wrong so that it catches fire & goes up in flames when its touched & its so sore you spend your whole life keeping others from touching it..... I don't know.... its a really tough corner.....

Anyway so its nice to see positive things about people with BPD expressed:-

Positive Traits of People with BPD

ADHD, BPD, Bipolar Hypersexuality & Me

Rummaging through ADHD YouTube it springs quite quickly to my attention that there is a distinct correlation between ADHD & 🙄 especially my form, Inattentive ADHD & Hypersexuality. The attentive reader will understand that this now makes all 3 of my mental health conditions especially prone to either bouts of or just plain generalised Hypersexuality. Well this is a bit embarrassing.

Shocked, I tell you…….lol, no, of course I’m not shocked at all. Again, like so much about putting the ADHD piece into my mental health jigsaw, all becomes transparently clear at long last.

For many years I was peripherally concerned & somewhat temporally amused that i seemed to have an almighty sex drive to the degree that, I felt myself to be perhaps somewhat some sort of Nymphomaniac. I never felt guilt or shame about my high libido, although aligned with my impulsivity these was certainly potentially problematic & resulted in some pretty heavy risk taking at times.

Fortunately for me, when out of committed monogamy I was so miserable I could barely leave my bedroom for the most part, partly because my sky high libido was in despair at our loss of mutual remedy. At some point, of course, I would have to go out, against my better judgement usually, to seek another lover & that required being at least in a somewhat better mood or at least stoic & outgoing to some extent, so alcohol would be involved, which I am to all intents & purposes allergic to.

So, yes, Hypersexuality- I’ve read much debate about it’s relative dis-ease status or not & really the discerning factor is the degree to which it damages your life, like any addictive behaviour or substance, if it’s out of control & harms other important areas of your world then it’s a problem you might do well to seek help with.

Ultimately, overall I was not that bad regarding other people. I destroyed one really important formative relationship early on with Hypersexuality induced infidelity with one other person whilst in a bipolar hypermanic episode for which I hated myself for many years - and that’s it. I had one night stands when out of monogamous relationships but overall in relationship I was a very committed lover. And that’s the rub, I was a very committed lover. 😉

I’ve heard BPD women described as Sex Geniuses & Nymphomaniacs & it’s to do with the need to bond deeply & to dedicatedly secure affection to feel some safety against a backdrop of severely low self esteem stemming from all of the deeply unpleasant & difficult traits of BPD. Abandonment is the ultimate BPD terror, so being a love bombing nympomamiac fulfilling the fantasies of a partner was key to ensuring that was kept at bay. But the pendulum swing from intense devotion, deep bonding & unconscious dependency is a mountain of unfulfillable expectation, knee jerk rebellion with anger & disillusionment followed by massive BPD fear & confusion.

So overall, I don’t think I’m that bad, I don’t think I’m a sex addict who would do anything with anyone to get a fix, that’s not me at all & it hasn’t been me throughout my life. I’m not fixated on sex although I would say that on a daily basis fantasy love & sex things do go though my mind regularly albeit quite fleetingly, sometimes several times a day….. I guess like we were told that men think about sex every few minutes, is that a thing? Did they used to say that? If that’s true, that makes every man in a relationship a fantasy infidel probably, as one fantasy partner is going to get boring if you are thinking about it every ten minutes, aren’t you?

That said, I’d say that my crush, there’s only ever one at a time I don’t multi-crush, can float through my mind in a sexual wave, feeling, vibe, visual, or sensory motion several times a day & I think that’s ok….. it’s nice, I’ve been single for a very very long time & I think that’s nice, I get a dopamine surge, sometimes I just get a mental cuddle sometimes briefly more but overall it helps my life..…it helps with managing the isolation that I seem to need & have created for myself in which to dissect & hopefully heal my dis-eases…..it helps buffer my naturally high Libido which I’d say is pretty healthy in spite of my intense combination of conditions. I guess you’d have to say I’ve got it under control……now I have at any rate. That’s probably much easier to say post-menopause though tbf.

Do I need to rake over the historic worst of it? I don’t think so. The main person who got hurt was me. The main person I need to apologise to is me. My early partners came off badly, everyone was confused, I was baffled by myself, my instability was terrifying, epic…..isolation was the only sane action often times. But I can & do apologise to all my early lovers, none of us knew what was wrong with me & there was a lot wrong, I’m sorry it was such a mess for us all. You got off lightly, I had to stay with me…. 

Here’s an aside to the above though. Bipolar Mania Hypersexuality is grim. Like all of the nervous system aberrations of Bipolar……so much nervous system pain, so much physical tension, so much speed, just awful…… the HS aspect is unpleasant but then getting anyone to sleep with you when you’re manic is tricky as it’s really hard to hide how unwell you are…… you are talking nonsense…… real super nonsense not everyday nonsense but the sky is falling nonsense, up is down nonsense, nothing is real nonsense….. with the notable exception of being taken advantage of under the influence of excessive alcohol when I was younger I think I kept pretty clear of the worst possibility’s due to being somewhat introverted by nature.

Ive not drank in 15 years now, thankfully, & I think that alcohol is the most heinous of drugs for any form of mental illness. To remove inhibitions from an already disinhibited person with BPD or Bipolar mania or hypomania is a disaster. It’s brain inflammatory. It’s horrible. And most with mental, that is brain based & nervous system dysfunction cannot physically cope with it imo. And it’s a cultural precursor to disinhibited social as well as sexual interaction for many well people, but I feel that ‘problems’ with alcohol are a ready indicator of undiagnosed mental illness & for those with particular conditions & traits, it’s an incredibly dangerous & life threatening drug.

Extensive Library of Articles on Red Light & Near Infared Therapy

Credit where it’s due - this is a truly extensive library of information about RLT & NIR Therapy & it’s positive potential across the board health wise. Due to its health giving impact at the cellular level, literally every system in the body can benefit. Wonderful.

https://platinumtherapylights.com/blogs/news

Article Summing up Benefits of Red Light NIR Therapy

 https://platinumtherapylights.com/blogs/news/brain-light-therapy

Here is a really thorough review of the benefits of Red Light Therapy particularly regarding brain health but bear in mind that these guys make devices so it leans a bit towards sales speak & somewhat glorified interpretations of research but skimming through I cannot argue with it much except that, as with most natural therapies, getting proper extensive research done is nigh impossible if it’s going to detract from Big Pharma profit & if you read the possible list of benefits, like natural Progesterone- some unpatentable things just help too many lucrative conditions.

Also, as I said, Sunlight is the real healer. Warmth & Light from the Sun, if your climate & emotional psychological disposition permits, otherwise this therapy might help you get out there. 

My Current Isochronic Tones Playlist

So all the credit here goes to Jason Lewis, the man behind the music of ‘Mend Amend’ - find a massive catalog free to use on YouTube with beautiful graphics or stream on all the usual streaming services. Obviously there are others but currently, for me, MindAmend has it all. Here is his entirely extraordinary YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/c/MindAmend & here is his Website for purchases https://www.mindamend.com/

My god these things have become the love of my life, yes there are times when they don’t help but actually they are few & far between- the relief is still mostly whilst I’m using them but I feel that this will be gradually accumulative & as is the main rational behind some medication I am convinced that time spent being well & functional encourages further stabilisation of & establishment of those brain states of being well & functional. Just as time spent being unsupported in mental disorganisation &/or emotionally dsyregulated reinforces that. Anxiety, generally speaking still down to a decent 1/2 out of 10 from a previous daily without trigger 7/8 out if 10 - if this is the only change I’d still think it’s a wonder but I know there is much much more to gain.

I’m using the Schumann Resonance ones a lot - this is the speed of the Earths own frequency on the borderline of calm Theta to ‘work a day’ Alpha at 7.83hz - SR is my go to calm but alert tone & it totally enhances time spent in nature, deepening the sense of connection & experiential involvement as part of nature. My home base tone.

When I wake up too early & get unwanted premature surges of cortisol I go to Theta around 5.5hz & if I don’t get back to sleep at least I am not being tortured by cortisol induced pain & panic type thinking - so that’s a huge win, a huge asset to better sleep or at least a meditative calm alternative.

I have come to rely on the Complex Tasks isochronic tones sets, wait for it……...to cope with doing the dishes & making lunch 🤣……yes……tasks that many take for granted have always brought anxiety creating disorganisation & stress for me…… it’s so embarrassing but once I begin something like this my brain shoots off in 10 other directions & it takes a massive amount of patience & self forgiveness to complete this basic task without starting to glue up my wellies or organise the recycling after I’ve put the eggs on….. 

Finally, an honourable mention to the ADD/ADHD Intense Relief tones where he essentially de-emotionsalises the brain by speeding up the rational left brain higher than the creative/emotional right side - I think it’s like brain gym, like practicing rationality from a purely mechanical, anatomical, functional direction. I think it’s wonderful & these ones can bring me out of a funk sometimes. Usually being in nature with Schumann Resonance is the way to go for low mood though.

I achieved some, for me extremely complex tasks to do with music technology reasonably sensibly with the help of one of the Peak Focus tone sets. Jason has even inspired me to go electric as a previously confirmed acoustic musician….. I now have a Synth, prepped an Isochronic tone backing track of my own & opened GarageBand for the first time in 15 yrs…. 😄 - wires, leads, I dealt with those at length without a panic attack. I call that a real win. 😅