The difference between having long term severe mental illness & having a breakdown (*edited)

So I watched this & it got me sparking so I thought I’d share: Trauma, Shame & Being Enough

So Patti & I agree that within all so called Mental Illness is brain & nervous system dysfunction caused by some kind of trauma, a maladaptive response to stress &/or insurmountable stress.

Then I’d like to add Dr Amens thoughts about general anaesthetic, sedation & even local anaesthetic & then also head injury from accident or sports contributing to long term mental illness structurally via direct hardware brain/nervous system injury.

 *Then theres the obvious systemic inflammation from poor diet, food sensitivities & ready irritants like alcohol & drugs both legal & illegal (with exclusions in both those latter categories for some people eg CBD seems especially helpful across the board) confounding the nervous system particularly during childhood & adolescence reeking havoc on susceptible developing physiologies*

But I have the question….. what is the difference between a robust nervous system that can withstand endless insults of a range of types without developing a serious longterm fault or which recovers its prior function relatively swiftly & easily & one that simply does not or cannot.

We used to call it a constitutionally highly strung type because of course, the more sensitive someone is the more likely to spiral into increasing mental illness, that is; nervous system dysfunction, when faced with overwhelming stress or psychological insult. But the nurture aspect is crucial too. Support, genuine unconditional, family, community, friendship support can make or break a nervous system, I have no doubt, just as negative experiences in family or community can condemn us to a worse life. 

Like attracts like, of this i'm sure. My social circles in the past largely ended up with diagnoses or early death from Substance Use Disorders, old world alcoholism & drug addiction, that the vile Right Wing press would still have you believe is a weakness of character & not trying hard enough rather than what it is; the surface expression & attempted suppression of the symptoms of serious Nervous System Dysfunction. The eventual diagnoses or self diagnoses have all been, across the board, the most helpful thing for all of these people.

Patti's Talk I think is a worthy discussion for those who have had a single intense period of breakdown after really being predominantly functional, but it needs to be known that these bouncing back robust types have perhaps not suffered insurmountable psychological or physical adversity without adequate support. 

For those of us with long term ongoing nervous system dysfunction, there is for sure something of use for us in this talk, but id like to see the difference in these 2 groups discussed more frequently & deeply to help us find more answers for all.

NPD & BPD

I’ve had a phenomenal week, nearly a week off social media, really I’m talking about Twitter, where I’m not very social rather I’m informative or hope to be of service informationally. 

The sun has shone & I’ve managed multiple escapes to the sea with a healthy wide range of grandchildren, friends & watersports equipment. My energy, my mood, my self esteem has been great. Absent permanent anxiety my nervous system is clearly healing, finally, about bloody time.

There was a dog fight incident, absolutely not my fault, that prior to working with BPD/ADHD resources, isochonic tones, polyvagal stuff etc would have taken me days to recover from, I recovered in 15 mins just like a normal functional nervous system!

Absolutely brilliant. So very pleased.

I also bounced back from some, what I will call Narcissistic Abuse in pretty smart order during this week too. This is incredible progress for me. Coming back for years & actually decades in the dark with a broken nervous system were my capacity to trust in my thinking & my capacity to process was basically nil for so much of the time, to be able to determine that another party has injured me, unintentionally although through selfish motivations & the classic Narcissistic low empathy for consequences of their actions has been paradoxically, a real boost to my self confidence, self trust & sense of self esteem.

Also doubly paradoxically because had I not risked the interaction I would not have incurred the injury but then I would not have discovered my new improved robust recovery capability! BPD & ADHD have heightened risk of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, which is actually multiplied when comorbid, so this is no small success, not at all. I genuinely feel that this experience has given me hope that I could weather real world relationships with a firmer footing in self reliance & self confidence that I had not expected to achieve without the, for me impossible expense of personal therapy.

Another way of saying that is that I still felt I was much much more fragile than I actually turned out to be under interpersonal pressure, so thank you! I’ve been shielding my nervous system for so long, understandably when the consequences of not used to be a 9 month Bipolar 1 depression plus BPD neurosis & psychosis ugh with literally zero support psychologically, physically or financially…. with actual hinderance from others rather than support … my god I’ve been a resilient bastard…. I really have…. talk about dogged…. a trait I admire in others apparently has been truly under my belt this entire lifetime. 

It’s got me thinking though, because BPD & NPD are both ‘cluster b’ next of kin, like sister & brother….. incredibly 8% of men carry narcissistic traits enough to be considered Narcissistic, it’s like NPD is the male version of BPD in a way…… it’s like those super super sensitive children who aren’t supported to learn healthy emotional regulation &/or are actively emotionally, psychologically, physically or sexually abused, that deep early trauma wounding becomes the basis for the toughened shell of NPD or the skinless wrecked nervous system of BPD….. they are the same kind of untouchable wounds, kind of, but being managed in very different kind of opposing ways.

Narcissists are getting a really bad press atm, online therapists are on their trail & are teaching their victims how to defend themselves in vast numbers atm. But I want to interject 2 things here. 

Everyone has access to a narcissistic state of mind/being because selfishness is just a human trait, the degree to which its balanced with compassion & empathy will dictate the general psych wellness of an individual. The more protection the body/mind decides it needs to survive the more fiercely & densely Narcissism will grow.

And secondly I really object to the amount of 'these people are unhealable' that's going on in the online wellness community. Never forget that until about 15 years ago with Marsha Lineham & DBT arriving, BPD was also deemed completely impossible & unhealable & for the good of all concerned we were locked heavily medicated for decades in Mental Institutions - literally binned as human beings & now the recovery rate is very very good & still growing exponentially.

I do consider that had I been unequivocally forced into certain more oppressive situations in my 20’s I would have either died or managed to mutate into a much more aggressively self seeking self serving narcissistic person in order to survive….. I like to think I would have been able to do that rather than just give up & die, maybe that's bs though but as a thought experiment I’m having it.

So what’s my pondering today, what’s my subject here…..well it’s healing NPD I guess. Being almost the male version of BPD for basic sex difference reasons that speak for themselves….. innate male competitive urge & innate female cooperation urge being a good starting point.

So what’s the sticking point, why do Therapists generally imply that NPD is so much less healable than BPD? Seemingly, the core defence shell of the NPD is made up of, in part, lies & manipulation that is required to maintain the all important Narcissistic Supply that prevents direct experience of the low self image, deep trauma wounds & resulting psyche insecurity that are the roots of NPD. Even Therapists can be manipulated by a convincing habitual liar if the NPD is determined enough.

NPDs have to be committed to dissolving their protective shell made of lies & manipulation as the very first position,  no matter what horror that reveals,  that & forgiving themselves, everyday, & that doesn’t mean it’s ok to wound others, of course not but to become awake to what they thought they were getting by doing the manipulation in the first place….. which is the buffer of Narc supply…. a buffer for the low self image that they’ve lived under for too long.

I’m absolutely convinced this is healable, and that the way is honesty…..  honesty to yourself first & foremost & then to those that matter to you most, even if it’s after the fact, even when you make the old mechanical error of lying, admit it, correct it, every time you can, that's a skill, build it, give yourself that gift, underneath that awful weight of self hatred for being fake is such a profoundly beautiful sensitive child who I simply adore & always will. 

We are in a stunningly psychologically savvy, personal development focused social media world atm where info about traits & diagnoses & attendant evidence based resources are flooding into our deprived consciousnesses initiating awareness, growth & healing. Its all to win, it really is.

💜💜

The Law of the Even Deal

I stumbled across this interesting concept, the Law of the Even Deal on a Buddhist Relationship Counsellors web site….. I think…… or at least that’s where I ended up somehow & I really liked it so I thought I’d share it in case it helps anyone.

Basically, in years of giving couples therapy she discovered that one of the biggest pit falls in relationships was how men & women process receiving differently.

So the concept is that when men receive something in relationship, anything, a kiss, affection, sex, a gift, a meal etc they experience it internally an increased sense of self esteem, self worth, almost like the experience of praise. But women experience receiving these same things as a debt that must be repaid. So women seek to repay what’s given, whereas men, generally only give when they are moved to internally. The counsellor said that 99% of the time in her practice this was the fact.

So this is interesting. What’s the main complaint that women have in relationship? It’s that they feel it’s unbalanced, that they give & give & it’s not reciprocated. Women traditionally build resentment over time about this don’t they, it’s a classic scenario.

I remember making this complaint to a male friend about a boyfriend, he explained to me that when you give & give unconditionally (I know, ‘apparently’ unconditionally) all the other person really knows or learns about you is that you love to give….. rather than ‘look I can give & give, will you also give & give the same….. because I have all these needs’.

My ‘best’, as in least unsuccessful relationship had my partner trying to actually employ me in a range of roles in the real world & as such was the least ‘indebted’ of all my ex’s specifically due to this. Unfortunately, my continued lack of diagnoses conundrum & on going depressions ruined all that but the sentiment was clearly there… bless him…. the only one who tried to get some balance between us….. many were just…. I’m not even going to talk about them actually.

So, the Law of the Even Deal strives for more conscious balance in the give & take of relationships, acknowledging there’s a gender based difference & that not attending to this subtle law is one of the major causes of relationship breakdown.

I guess ultimately, deciding on what exactly constitutes balance in any given relationship is going to be unique & personal to the individuals involved, but I think it’s a very worthwhile area to explore. 

Astrology plus Comedy

Equals….I don’t know…..a very wandering mind….

https://astromatrix.org/Horoscopes/Planet-Aspects/Moon-Square-Mercury

Natal Moon Square Mercury, I have this aspect - I also have Venus Square Moon to add insult to injury….don’t get me started on all my Venus oppositions, that lot alone results in a pretty clear depiction of BPD imho.

If you don’t like or believe in Astrology please just suspend your judgement temporarily for the sake of discursive entertainment & try to appreciate it as a bunch of well meaning Empaths reading the equivalent of feely tealeaves in the star canopy over millennia providing us with an idealogical skeleton which allows us to self directly dabble in a solo person centred therapy lucky dip. 

I like Astrology as a self development tool to dig around & gain insight. Some aspects won’t resonate strongly but when one does resonate with your current experience it can grant you a key to unlock a psychological door which otherwise may be missed. For example I only clocked that I had this aspect when I noticed my favourite person has it & I was looking at how it might play out for them 

I’d say we have an opposite dominance with this aspect (me & thee) I reckon I’d be Mercury dominant in this aspect as I’ve got Mercury in the 1st house of visible self, conjunct Venus in Pisces, I’m Pisces rising & fundamentally 12th house Pisces Sun….. but Gemini Moon makes that a kind of psychic swap shop of energies if I was appraising the positive, due to the mental nature of Gemini & the slippery ephemeral non physical nature of Pisces but I acknowledge the square energy, a blockage, a deflection, not flowing……. It’s my unwillingness to communicate, even just playing around with anything creatively, which being mainly a musician if I had to nail my colours to any professional mast, is pretty crushing.

That was a very dynamic statement wasn’t it. That brings me to that I’ve been wanting to share that I kind of did a reconnaissance mission of *all* my favourite comedians in the spring….. on my own….. i never went to sit down shows before, I always hated being stuck in a seat (ADHD much) I couldn’t afford tickets, never had a working vehicle, no one to go with (adversity much) social phobia, acrophobia, GAD, no support but Ive been building up to it gradually & Isochronic Tones Therapy really helps me.

I did it as an exercise in stoicism & I was great, i was really great, I grew some, I learned stuff, unfortunately I had a childish kind of myopic experience in regards to other people in their pairs in which I was not, & it kind of reinforced for me how difficult pairs are or could be out in the heightened scrutiny of the public zone….. but that’s another story….

I’m deeply attracted to comedy as an transformational art form, although I’m not personally built for doing it, I don’t think, unfortunately. Its Shamanic healing capacity so distinct with its instantaneous affect on neurotransmitters & im sure, brainwave frequency (oh I’d like to find out about that) 

 I’ve heard Eddie Izzard say that the unwritten rule in comedy is that you can only truly mock in good conscience that which you are or that you suffer….. so my potential to explore the myriad, ephemeral realms of Neurodiversity & my own experience of *so very many* Severe Mental Illness’s is a waste of good material tbh with a very well defined self selecting audience. Oh my, dissociation & paranoia jokes incoming…… or are they? 😅😂

Stewart Lee did a brilliant dramatic small section on aggressive intrusive thoughts late on in his Snowflake Tornado show, I loved it but I did not feel that that many members of the audience reacted as if they had direct first hand experience of what he was describing, which I do…. I appreciated that so much. I’ve felt such an outcast with my mental health, I appreciate that inclusion, that exposure so much.

I am deeply struck & moved by Stewart Lee saying on stage “I still don’t know what this is” about his craft as a whole and/or maybe also about his particularly unique & extraordinary version of it. I can really feel that statement, it’s like a moment of merging with the divine by pointing at it but then allowing it to be undefinable, uncontainable, it’s both a tantric comedy moment when he says it & a genuine description of the tantric potential of comedy.

Just as my imaginary music album has a name, and an Astro name at that, see a much earlier post, my imaginary comedy show would be called  “I just wish I’d charged”  see more recent posts 😅😂🤣 oh I’ll give it away 🤭 ….. it’s a Hypersexuality related title there that is….. for those that wonder.

Not all those that wonder remain lost. But those that wander may wonder realistically why not. 

Anyway

Here’s a couple of stolen astro graphics re Moon Square Mercury

Positive Traits of People with BPD

I know this is hard to accept for all the hating on us the world can do but this stuff in this article is to a greater or lesser extent true for very many of us I believe. I hear this idea that BPD is arrested emotional development, that we are emotionally stunted, emotionally immature but its a very specific stuntedness, that description does not completely hold water, I mean in some ways it does, the tantrums, the acting out but its not the whole story, there's something else going on.

Ive been told many many times that I am emotionally intelligent, empathic, in touch with my self & my feelings, conscious of others wants & needs......  I half trained as a Psychotherapist, people said they thought i'd make a genuinely good counsellor......what gives? I don't know.

I see BPD more like a particularly deep ego wounding that healed all up wrong so that it catches fire & goes up in flames when its touched & its so sore you spend your whole life keeping others from touching it..... I don't know.... its a really tough corner.....

Anyway so its nice to see positive things about people with BPD expressed:-

Positive Traits of People with BPD

ADHD, BPD, Bipolar Hypersexuality & Me

Rummaging through ADHD YouTube it springs quite quickly to my attention that there is a distinct correlation between ADHD & 🙄 especially my form, Inattentive ADHD & Hypersexuality. The attentive reader will understand that this now makes all 3 of my mental health conditions especially prone to either bouts of or just plain generalised Hypersexuality. Well this is a bit embarrassing.

Shocked, I tell you…….lol, no, of course I’m not shocked at all. Again, like so much about putting the ADHD piece into my mental health jigsaw, all becomes transparently clear at long last.

For many years I was peripherally concerned & somewhat temporally amused that i seemed to have an almighty sex drive to the degree that, I felt myself to be perhaps somewhat some sort of Nymphomaniac. I never felt guilt or shame about my high libido, although aligned with my impulsivity these was certainly potentially problematic & resulted in some pretty heavy risk taking at times.

Fortunately for me, when out of committed monogamy I was so miserable I could barely leave my bedroom for the most part, partly because my sky high libido was in despair at our loss of mutual remedy. At some point, of course, I would have to go out, against my better judgement usually, to seek another lover & that required being at least in a somewhat better mood or at least stoic & outgoing to some extent, so alcohol would be involved, which I am to all intents & purposes allergic to.

So, yes, Hypersexuality- I’ve read much debate about it’s relative dis-ease status or not & really the discerning factor is the degree to which it damages your life, like any addictive behaviour or substance, if it’s out of control & harms other important areas of your world then it’s a problem you might do well to seek help with.

Ultimately, overall I was not that bad regarding other people. I destroyed one really important formative relationship early on with Hypersexuality induced infidelity with one other person whilst in a bipolar hypermanic episode for which I hated myself for many years - and that’s it. I had one night stands when out of monogamous relationships but overall in relationship I was a very committed lover. And that’s the rub, I was a very committed lover. 😉

I’ve heard BPD women described as Sex Geniuses & Nymphomaniacs & it’s to do with the need to bond deeply & to dedicatedly secure affection to feel some safety against a backdrop of severely low self esteem stemming from all of the deeply unpleasant & difficult traits of BPD. Abandonment is the ultimate BPD terror, so being a love bombing nympomamiac fulfilling the fantasies of a partner was key to ensuring that was kept at bay. But the pendulum swing from intense devotion, deep bonding & unconscious dependency is a mountain of unfulfillable expectation, knee jerk rebellion with anger & disillusionment followed by massive BPD fear & confusion.

So overall, I don’t think I’m that bad, I don’t think I’m a sex addict who would do anything with anyone to get a fix, that’s not me at all & it hasn’t been me throughout my life. I’m not fixated on sex although I would say that on a daily basis fantasy love & sex things do go though my mind regularly albeit quite fleetingly, sometimes several times a day….. I guess like we were told that men think about sex every few minutes, is that a thing? Did they used to say that? If that’s true, that makes every man in a relationship a fantasy infidel probably, as one fantasy partner is going to get boring if you are thinking about it every ten minutes, aren’t you?

That said, I’d say that my crush, there’s only ever one at a time I don’t multi-crush, can float through my mind in a sexual wave, feeling, vibe, visual, or sensory motion several times a day & I think that’s ok….. it’s nice, I’ve been single for a very very long time & I think that’s nice, I get a dopamine surge, sometimes I just get a mental cuddle sometimes briefly more but overall it helps my life..…it helps with managing the isolation that I seem to need & have created for myself in which to dissect & hopefully heal my dis-eases…..it helps buffer my naturally high Libido which I’d say is pretty healthy in spite of my intense combination of conditions. I guess you’d have to say I’ve got it under control……now I have at any rate. That’s probably much easier to say post-menopause though tbf.

Do I need to rake over the historic worst of it? I don’t think so. The main person who got hurt was me. The main person I need to apologise to is me. My early partners came off badly, everyone was confused, I was baffled by myself, my instability was terrifying, epic…..isolation was the only sane action often times. But I can & do apologise to all my early lovers, none of us knew what was wrong with me & there was a lot wrong, I’m sorry it was such a mess for us all. You got off lightly, I had to stay with me…. 

Here’s an aside to the above though. Bipolar Mania Hypersexuality is grim. Like all of the nervous system aberrations of Bipolar……so much nervous system pain, so much physical tension, so much speed, just awful…… the HS aspect is unpleasant but then getting anyone to sleep with you when you’re manic is tricky as it’s really hard to hide how unwell you are…… you are talking nonsense…… real super nonsense not everyday nonsense but the sky is falling nonsense, up is down nonsense, nothing is real nonsense….. with the notable exception of being taken advantage of under the influence of excessive alcohol when I was younger I think I kept pretty clear of the worst possibility’s due to being somewhat introverted by nature.

Ive not drank in 15 years now, thankfully, & I think that alcohol is the most heinous of drugs for any form of mental illness. To remove inhibitions from an already disinhibited person with BPD or Bipolar mania or hypomania is a disaster. It’s brain inflammatory. It’s horrible. And most with mental, that is brain based & nervous system dysfunction cannot physically cope with it imo. And it’s a cultural precursor to disinhibited social as well as sexual interaction for many well people, but I feel that ‘problems’ with alcohol are a ready indicator of undiagnosed mental illness & for those with particular conditions & traits, it’s an incredibly dangerous & life threatening drug.

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